Hi,
How are you doing today?
I have to tell you what happened on Halloween –it’s just too funny!
I had to take my 11-month-old goddaughter trick-or-treating.
Of course I did, because how do you say no to an 11-month-old, right?
Well, she decided to dress up as a sunflower. really cute, right?
But that’s not the point. Oh, no, the point is that she wanted me to dress up as something that went along with her sunflower costume!
Now, you tell me – what on earth goes along with a sunflower???
So I decided to be a green pea.
I actually asked someone who has bipolar disorder who to make the costume. This person is super smart and creative and had a complete plan but said it would take a week to get all the stuff to me : )
That didn’t work.
Then I decided to be the Jolly Green Giant.
I don’t know why I thought about this. I think probably because I was eating green beans and on the package was the “green giant” the logo for the green bean company.
I couldn’t find a costume big enough to fit a man over 6 foot tall! I guess they figure only kids trick-or-treat these days, I don’t know.
(ok, I can hear you snickering now)
All right, so I had to do something in desperation.
I finally decided to go as a cowboy.
At least I could put on a denim shirt and wear jeans and find a cowboy hat somewhere, right?
I actually have a cowboy hat. I think they are really cool but I wouldn’t wear them around because I would look odd.
Ok, ok, so it’s not the traditional Halloween costume.
And it has absolutely nothing to do with a sunflower.
And now I can totally hear you laughing trying to picture this big tall cowboy taking this tiny little sunflower around trick-or-treating.
Well before I left I had to drive around and get some stuff. People were laughing at me : )
Then when I got there and I was all ready to go, Anna decided she didn’t want to go because she got scared from all the people with costumes I guess.
It was good because I didn’t feel like walking around anyway with my “costume.” lol BUT I would have gone if she wanted to go.
And now I’ll tell you what this Halloween story has to do with bipolar disorder.
It has to do with sacrifices.
See, again, there was no way I wanted to go trick-or-treating.
There were a million other things I would’ve rather been doing.
Actually, there was anything else I would’ve rather been doing than dressing up like a cowboy and being laughed at in a strange area I have never been (we actually went where Anna’s father grew up).
But I love my goddaughter.
And I wanted to see her happy.
So I put my feelings and my own needs aside and made sacrifices for her.
And it was worth it.
As a supporter of a loved one with bipolar disorder, you have to make sacrifices as well.
In my courses/systems, I talk about what makes a good supporter, and I think the difference between being a good supporter and being a super-supporter is putting your own needs aside to help your loved one with theirs.
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
I’m not saying that your feelings and your needs don’t count, because they do.
But your loved one needs you.
And once your own needs are met, it doesn’t take much to sacrifice your time to help them, does it?
If you’re doing ok, it doesn’t take much to sacrifice on your part to make sure they’re ok too, does it?
If you see that you’re loved one is struggling, wouldn’t you be willing to make some sacrifices to help them?
Of course you would.
Because you love them as much as I love my goddaughter.
We all have to make sacrifices at some point.
Look at the sacrifices our young men in the service are making for our country.
Look at the sacrifices that parents make for their children every day.
Look at the sacrifices that adults make for their aging parents all the time.
Look at the sacrifices that couples make for each other that don’t have bipolar disorder to deal with (they still have other problems to face, though).
They all do it out of love.
Everybody makes sacrifices for the people they love.
As a good supporter, you sometimes have to make sacrifices for your loved one as well.
And it’s worth it.
Because I know your loved one appreciates it.
Because I know your loved one would make the same
sacrifices for you.
Agree or disagree?
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David Oliver is the author of the shocking guide “Bipolar Disorder—The REAL Silent Killer.” Click Here to get FREE Information sent via email on how and why bipolar disorder kills.
Post responses below
how can i argue with your ideal of sacrificing for the sake of my partner? i can’t, or won’t, because i do. yet, we don’t live in an ideal world, and with a loved one suffering from bipolar disorder there is no “quid pro quo” in terms of sacrifice or even support. hell, most times there isn’t even a sense of any intention towards reciprocity. but that’s alright because you’re right, i love her and i believe she is deserving of as good a life as can be mustered under the given set of conditions. i can look at the totality of my life history, the drama, trials, tribulations, failures and successes and honestly say that my wish is to stay with my partner because she (or the situation, if you prefer) has brought more to my life than at any other period in my 52 year history. i now tend to look at everything i’ve done in terms of earning a degree in human services and working in mental health for almost 20 years as the buildup for this relationship. perhaps god did have this purpose in mind for those of you of that persuasion. thanks dave.
hey dave,i can say that i look so forward to your email,s,,you have help me understand so much about bipolar,,i,am a supporter of someone i love very much,,he is also glad that i receive your mail because he never really liked to talk to me about it.but now we talk to each other very openly,,we have been seeing each other for 16 months and he was afraid to tell me he has bipolar,,but it didn,t take me long,,we laugh bout it now,,he has had some rough moment,s but he reallyturned his life around he said it was me,,but i say it,s him he,s doing so great.he,s holding down a good job that he loves,he got a great system..and with all your email,s i,m a better suporter,,thank you keep them coming….
Dear David,
I liked your email today. It is important for people to put someone else first when the person is in need of help.
Just one thing, please don’t forget the young women in the military.
Thank you!
Hi, Dave,
Really enjoyed your Halloween story. Actually I enjoy all your emails. I have a grown child with bi polar disorder, who praise the Lord takes her meds & is doing fine. I have been diagnosed with early alzheimers. Such a bummer. /thanks, Dave.
Yes, story, laughs and support sentences whit no believe me, promises, hope, absolute and miracle, hahahaha!
In waiting for more, thanks!
Dave,
In the end, it is not how much we accumulate, it is how much we give, it is not how strong we are, but whether or not we help those in need. It is not what we do, but who we do what for. It is not how much we live, but how much we love. That is all that matters. In the end, it doesn’t matter what we have done, but why we have done it… If it was for love, then we will feel at peace… for we have done the right thing.
Thanks for a funny story, now that was funny…
Thanks,
Bob
Dave , I agree with you with my whole. Family is very important to me . Sue Albert
I have a recently diagonsed bipolar teen. I give 100% support But when does it become too much for the supporter? I love her with undying love and it seems it is never quite enough. She is on medication and seems to be working, and involved in intense therapy 3x a week. This has taken over our lives, (I have 6 children), it seems that our focus always has to be on her aand the rest of the family suffers. I know this is new and I read you e;mails every day and have read countless articles, so I know there is hope and am looking forward to some normal days in the future.
Thanks, Andrea
Dave , I enjoyed Halloween Story. How can you no . You can’t. My family is very important to me, and always set aside for them and help them as much as i can. Today family has to stand by each other with support. Thank’s Dave understanding. Sue Albert
Dave – You’re a real TROUPER!! Just to THINK about going trick-or-treating with your goddaughter – and dressing up as a cowboy in spite of your “reservations” – made me think MORE of you as a human being. The sacrifice you would have made to do this is AWESOME. And, at last, I see you as quite “normal,” even though you deal daily with us people with bipolar disorder and those who love us.
Thank you for a truly heart-warming story. Maybe NEXT Halloween??!!
i agree with you david about sacerfices i have to everyday to help my mom and my self and its really hard sometimes. my mom and i support easc other and we both sacerfice a lot of things to help each other out. thank you for all your doing keep up all your work. your friend sharon allen . nov 1 2008
To ALELSANDER: As far as I know, America is a DEMOCRACY. One of our political candidates wants to turn it into a SOCIALIST state, something I am fully and wholly NOT in agreement with. I will vote for the moderate/conservative candidate. I just hope enough Americans will come to their senses before election day, and see the MAJOR differences in the two men who are running. The mainstream media here have idolized and “messiani-sized” the liberal candidate, to the point that the undecideds don’t know HOW to vote.
For example: of 71 reports written on the liberal candidate, 69 were favorable, and 2 were not. Of 82 reports on the conservative candidate, 71 were unfavorable, and 9 were favorable. Whereas one of our poets pointed out – “the pen is mightier than the sword,” I’m afraid this election hinges on what people read (and see in the ads on TV), and not on their consciences.
I wish I could have understood what you were saying about Socrates; it would have made it so much more enjoyable.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. Don’t Forget to turn your clocks back, and PLEASE – DON’T FORGET TO VOTE!!!
That is a very good point, I have been feeling as if I was going to go high shortly, but I have managed to control it this time, but I phoned my psychiatrist, and she is going to see me next week, but this time I recognise it myself, whereas before my husband has told me I was going manic, and I would not listen, so I think I have achieve something from ready all your e-mails. Thank – You
Tina
I miss the days of the innocence of being a child. To carve a pumpkin, to go trick or treating, to dress up in costumes, to go to parties, or to eat the candy. All of that has left me. I feel as though I have so many problems, so many worries that the ‘fun’ experiences of life are gone.
Dave, I agree completely. WE have to stand alongside our family member(s) no matter what the situation. Family is all we have and they are worth any and all sacrificing that must be handled to try making life worthy.
Thanks Dave, You are an inspiration for all of us.
I loved the Halloween story – could really picture it, too. I’m always making sacrifices for the people I love. The biggest one is that I will probably never have my own home again and renting means always to be at someone else’s mercy. On a smaller scale, I enjoy dressing up and going out partying occasionally. Provided he is not in a depressive episode my boyfriend likes a good night out, too. But he would have to be hypomanic before he would go to a fancy dress party. It starts with wearing bright colours and jewellery (no problem), then black hair gel (messy), then lots of bling and make up and the type of clothes that most people would consider fancy dress. I understand that while he is stable he doesn’t want to go out dressed like he was in a manic episode. So I went out to a Halloween party with other friends. They have seen him as the life and soul of a party before and don’t understand why he doesn’t want to come out with me this time. It’s not always easy to explain. He wants me to go out and enjoy myself, though it’s only half the fun going out to a party where most people are in couples. Halloween is not important, but I do want to see the New Year in with him. So I have suggested that he should choose where we go.
Hi, Dave — Your Halloween experience with your little goddaughter was a
real treat to read. I see you as a very kind, compassionate and caring person, and almost feel like I know you personally. You are “down to earth” in your emails, and I just think all of us need more of that from those we know. Isn’t it funny how we visualize the people we write to or talk to on the phone that we have never seen. I had formed a vision of you being rather short, very muscular from all your working out. I guess in a way, I see you looking much like my second oldest grandson, and I think that is why it is so easy to see you that way.
It is so difficult for me to write about the situation in my life. I wish that there were someone here in my city – like you – that I could talk with,
who understands Bipolar. My son absolutely will not go to a therapist or anyone to talk out his problems (he thinks he knows better than anyone), and the psychiatrist he goes to spends less than five minutes with him when he goes for his appointments(Once every two months) and the few minutes consist of a conversation like this, “Hi Mr. —–“how are we doing today?” Of course my son just tells him “I’m okay — I need my meds.
I am very unhappy with the meds the Dr. gives him. They are mostly something that makes him either “high” or sedates him to the point that he falls all the time, knocks expensive paintings off the wall – breaks
dishes, radios, tvs and just about everything he touches, and spills food and milk all over the carpets. Now, he is not always like this; but these things are happening much more frequently than ever before. By nature, he is a very sweet, loving and compassionate person; but when he has his medications, he can get very threatening to both me and his father. I am really growing weary from all the stress. I know that you have said that supporters need some time for themselves, but I just don’t ever find a chance to go places or be with my friends any more. I am afraid to leave my husband and our son alone, because they don’t like each other, and
they have had some really bad fights, and my husband just doesn’t seem to understand that he is dealing with a troubled mind, and he shouldn’t challenge him to a fight because our son is much larger and as “strong as an ox” and his father is old and very weak, especially since his recent hospitalization. I have always been a really cheerful upbeat person, but this situation is making me an angry, bitter old woman and I can’t feel positive or happy about anything anymore. This attitude has come on me very suddenly, and I feel worthless, and that I have absolutely nothing to look forward to. It is so new for me to be so extremely depressed about life, and I feel sorta like I’m locked up in a cage.
Well, Dave, thank you for listening to me — it helps to let off some “steam” even if it is only on an email. Any suggestions you have would be very much appreciated. Right now, our money is so tight, I can’t think of buying anything, but if things should take a turn for the better, I will definitely get your course, because I am feel sure that iI really do need it to help me deal with a lot of these issues I am going through now.
GOD BLESS YOU IN ALL THAT YOU DO
thank you so much for all the words of encouragement, so sorry that l am not goo in expressing my feelings in writing
Suzanne hello! Actual question is how could come such much cruelty out of one of us a common people? An important educational debate in the time of the Roman Empire arose after Christianity had achieved broad acceptance. The question concerned the educational value of pre-Christian classical thought: “Given that the body of knowledge of the pre-Christian Romans was heathen in origin, was it safe to teach it to Christian children? I see it just the opposite. In growing comfort with out intellect metatarsi a humanoid become benefit predator frustrated by power of others. When mentions ones get decide power they barricade relations instead of intellect metatarsi ones who start to develop relations parallel whit comfort growth (history arguments).
Is that true? Which products can show religions? Thanks for answer.
Suzanne, I am very pleased to talk what Socrates suggest:
What I do not know I do not even think I know.
It is true what have proved.
Knowledge, love, and fairness are potential intellect for good deed.
Who know for good did well.
david,
if you are so passionate about your mothers bipolar why do you post all ths info and expect $ renumerication to give the answers for those that have experienced simalar experiences. Can’t help but wonder if this all all about $ and not mothers torment.
Sacrifice should be a natural part of every relationship. The challenge comes when the supporter gives and gives and little is given in return. Just like a car, if you keep driving the car and never putting any gas in it eventually it won’t operate anymore. Supporters are the same way. Being with someone with bipolar is emotionally draining and rarely, in my case, did the reciprocity equal when I was going through a difficult period in my life and needed support. The focus was on what I WASN’T giving to my partner. Then, my ability to cope with the drama that was our life lessened.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m fairly strong and I believe in standing by and being there for the people you love. The times when things were “normal” (hate that word) I couldn’t have been happier. We laughed, we shared, we loved. But all that during the good times doesn’t keep it together during the more “trying” times. No, that’s not an accurate description. I’m pretty good during the “trying” times.
It’s when I’m SUCKED dry that I have difficulty being that supporter. Anyone else ever experience that? Those times when no matter what you do it isn’t enough. You’re not good enough. You’re not loving enough. You’re NOT…. well, fill in the blank.
Am I the only one out there who was treated like the scum of the earth during the manic episodes? How do you get through those times? How do you keep the relationship intact? I sacrificed, yet I failed.
Where is the point where sacrifice is no longer sacrifice, but a giving up of you as a person? How much can you give up without totally losing yourself? I believe there is no magic number, but there comes a time when there’s nothing left if the episodes are serious enough and frequent enough.
Because we weren’t married I didn’t have the right to speak with his doctor or counselor. Because he is poor he was put through the DBT therapy through a community mental health agency and “graduated”. So, he’s basically on his own and he pushed me away. His family won’t even read anything to do with the bipolar. It’s a “choice” he is making and all he has to do is “make better choices.” GRRRR
Do you ever find your loved one pushing you out of their life? There’s no support group locally so you all are it! Thank you. It’ does help to read what others are going through and the questions posed.
I appreciate you.
To Vicki,
I feel your pain. I have been right where you are right now, you sacrifice and sacrifice then your love one who you have been there for time after time leaves you.
I was left bankrupt, had to sale the house(for what was owed on it, not for any profit) and many many other bills,I loved with my whole heart and did everything I knew to do to help him then he just up and leaves and you see him going through woman after woman and having a good time.
Then when he has done this a while and is down on his luck he may then remember you and want you back, and I allow him to come back once after he had a serious motor cycle wreck, he needed help his family(daddy and a sister) live 5 hours south of where we live., but I refuse to help him financially at all any more,I have found with him it does not matter how much Love,compassion,or forgivness you have in your heart he does not Love his self enough to see the life of destruction he is causing himself or others.
I am at a place now where I have to take care of myself and our daughter and Give him and all his issues to God because I can not allow him to suck any more of my life out of me because he thinks he is right and won’t get the help he needs.I have made big big sacrifice for him and I will always love and pray for him but I am at peace now about letting go and letting God intervene.
Hang in there, do things to help yourself, be strong and don’t be a door matt if he is unstable and you can’t help him..
Durning these times I found that praying to God and staying in a bible study helped me to have strenght to take care of me and my daughter after dealing with him.
I am sorry if I sound negitive but really now after all I have sacrificed and he left any way….I feel at peace and I have grace in my life and thats a wonderful feeling to me and I feel positive about my on sanity and well being after all we been through.
You will too, I know its hard but peace and joy will come even after what seems to be unappreciated sacrifice.
Dave you, and all bipolar sirviors and supporters are in my thoughts and prayers,and I appreciated all the effort each one of you made to share a story alone with todays email from you Dave…..God Bless you all, lots of big big hugs for your sacrifice.
Hi Dave,
Enjoyed your story about Halloween with your goddaughter.
I agree that you have to make sacrifices when it comes to your loved one with bipolar. I have sacrificed over and over again. However, I have come to a decision I had to make to protect me and my husband from my son with severe bipolar I disorder. The last time he had an episode he was very violent towards me and very hostile. I hate that I have to make this decision but I can’t take anymore chances of him not taking his medicine anymore and getting more violent the next time, and I know there will be a next time because this has been going on for 16 years. I am afraid the next time will be worse or yet I or my husband could be killed. I know I probably sound like a selfish person and I hate it, because I love my son, and I am there for him to give him the support he needs but I feel it would be dangerous to take the risk. What do you think? How would you handle this? Please email me back and let me know your thoughts.
God Bless,
Ann
Hi Dave
We all have to sacrifice in our lives. I have to sacrifice, to cook and care for my families everyday needs. Being at home and not working takes more out of one than being a working mother. They expect you to do everything as you have all the time in the world being at home. In actual fact it is sacrifice. What do they sacrifice in turn to make me feel better or happy or wanted. Sacrifice is love, happiness etc. At the end of the day your sacrifices don’t mean anything. They sometimes forget that I need their support, the fact that I also need time for myself. You know I feel sometimes like walking out of the house and just living on the street where I will no longer have to feel sad. I am surrounded by my family, but the sacrifice they put in for me is zero. You goddaughter is lucky to have someone like you, who really cares and would do anything to make her happy.
Thank you Dave
DEAR DAVE: I AM REALLY SCARED BECAUSE MY LOVED ONE HASSTOPPED MEDICATION. I AM WILLING TO DO EVERYTHING I CAN BUT I DON`T KNOW WHAT TO SAY ANYMORE. HE GETS VERY ANGRY IF WE MENTION THE NEED FOR MEDICATION. THE FAMILY IS READY TO MAKE SACRIFICES, BUT GETS SO DISCOURAGES WHEN NOTHING SEEMS TO WORK. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND HELP.
Hi Dave, Just wanted to say Thank You for all the help you have so patiently given me. I am a 76 year old senior with a 50 year old Son with Bipolar. For many years I did not know that was his problem. I just thought he was iltempered and very angry about alot of things that happened during his chilhood.He has all the classical symptoms, 4 exwives, 3 children, dozens of jobs, low self esteem, alchohol dependant, an unpredictable disposition to name just a few. He was very sick and needed an organ transplant (liver.) He was a very lucky young man. He was really honest with his Doctors and really opened up truthfully to them and told them about his bipolar disorder. The transplant team really worked together and they have had him on medication that has completely turned him around. I know it’s not a cure, but for the first time in his life he is able to control his life with a confidence I have never seen in him before. He still has some down days but nothing like before he was on the medication. I want to be a helpful suporter and not an enabler. he does not live with me as I live in a senior complex and I don’t see him like I did when he did live with me. He has a good job that he really likes with a fair amount of resposibility that he is handling well . I want to thank you for helping me to understand this devastating disorder. I feel now that I can be morehelp to him. I love your emails. Don’t pay any attention to the negativity of some of your”FANS”. You are doing a great service for so many people. I’m sure God will place a special star in your crown for what you ar doing for others. God Bless You. Keep the mail coming.Thank You……Lynn