Hi, how’s it going? Hope you are doing well.
Have you ever seen a toddler trying to walk for the first time? They usually fall – a lot. But most of the time, they are pretty persistent. Their parents help that along. They encourage their child to get back up and try again.
Have you ever seen a child try their hand at sewing? They generally mess up a lot, and are likely as not to poke themselves with a needle once or twice. And watching them try to thread a needle can be a test of patience. But they keep trying. Eventually, with practice, they will get it right.
Have you ever watched a first grade student learn to write? Often times, at first, they get it wrong. And they always need to ask what letter comes next. It takes a lot of patience to be the one teaching them to write. But in the long run it’s worth it, because they do learn.
One more.
Have you ever seen a child learn to swim? First they test the water. Then they slowly wade in, clinging onto the edge of the pool. Generally, they have a life jacket on and maybe even floaties anyway. But they are cautious, and don’t necessarily want to try it all at once. But their parents keep taking them back to the pool over and over again until they learn to swim.
All of these stories have a couple of things in common. Yes, they are all about children. But that wasn’t *exactly* the answer I was looking for. LOL. For one, they are all about second chances. And sometimes even about third, fourth, fifth… Secondly, they are all about persevering until it’s right.
These are two very valuable lessons for someone who is a supporter of a person with bipolar disorder. People who have bipolar disorder don’t generally give up. And when they do, it’s not for long – maybe just for a period of depression, and then when they come out of the depression they go right back to struggling to make things better.
They don’t always get things right at first. After all, no one does. But if you keep giving them chances, they will get it right in the end. They are willing to persevere. Are you?
Even if you get impatient at times and say or do something you shouldn’t, there are second chances for you, too. Life is full of second chances to learn and grow. It is also full of things to test our perseverance and to make things harder on us.
Remember next time your loved one doesn’t get it right that they need more chances so that they can get to the point that they will get it right. Remember that if you were in their place, you would want someone to give you a second chance.
What are your thoughts on this?
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
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stress is down when costs are down…………..
I am tortured .I worked through15 yrs. of episodes,but last Dec., I had to get a protective order. I could no longer tolerate the abuse,
verbal & physical.He said he felt great and stopped taking his mood
stabilizer.He started drinking more along with adavan, adderall ,&
ambian.
184 days after leaving my house, he was found dead from drowning.
I am devastated.I am by nature a caregiver. I am tormented by my
realization that I could not help him to keep trying, to feel that he was making progress, to want to go on.
Dave, I think everyone should have a second chance because people make poor choices with out thinking. A Bipolar person needs counseling, love and caring people in their life who understand Bipolar disorder. Sincerely, Carol
Dear Dave,
I wish I could give my loved one more chances. I was willing but he ended it all at age 65. I pray supporters and those with bipolar listen to you and persevere. IT IS SOOOOO WORTH THE EFFORT. Keep up the good work and God bless you all, always.
Paula
Sounds a little too touchy/feely,politically correct,Obamaesque to me. I don’t have much jewelery or other valuables left for more chances, they have all been stolen and pawned by my 21 y/o son who won’t keep a job.
Hello !!
First of all we thank David O. for all the resource what we able to have for free because we could not afford right now any expenses Thank you David to open up a road to recovery we need many people like you hope we can be one !!
Yes I agree 100% with giving a second third and more chances to our loved one I know it is difficult when you ran out patient to have more patient and wait for response. Thank God for second and more chances for us to in life . We were able to handle our situation with our faith in God and Hope for a better day every day even when sometimes the next day was a disaster but Thank God for strength we were up an going again try again We dealing with this only for 3 years we learn a lot but we had so little resource and help and success We would like to be one the success stories were we can tell yes it is possible to leave your life with bipolar and be successful
Thank you
aniko
You’re good stuff, please keep sending me your information.
The past several emails have been awesome, very much appreciated and informative.
Thans again,
John Burke
My niece who is bi-polar is destroying my sister’s life as well as her own. How many chances do you give someone who won’t help herself? Seems to me there comes a point of self preservation where you have to let go!
ty :)::::::::
this is so true. sometimes i lose my patience with my son.
i have to remember that love and patience is the best medication for him, especially from me.
thank you for reminding me.
this really hits home..my husband’s personality changes and rapid progression of his illness in the last 4 years has been beyond challenging. sometimes i feel like an antagonist and other times like an enabler. i have endured because i have a great support system in our children, my family and friends. i acknowledge that he did not ask for this onset at age 60 but the man i married is long gone – that is the most lonely and difficult part – facing that who he was is not there anymore. it is a huge compromise on all of us but especially me. it feels like i am always the one that has to be understanding and forgiving. it is especially tough given that i am having my own battle going through menopause and have no partner to lean on. i shall persevere.
My fiancee has bi polar and I feel like I am the one giving all the chanvce I love very much but it seems like she don’t even get it. Is it common for people with bi polar to lie about things? Do they alsso go against rules such as house rule or how we are to spend money etc we have been together for five years I read up on bi polar but I seem to be more confused than ever
David — You are so right about second chances. The memory that surfaced right away was my first two wheeler bike. Dad showed me how to ride it when I was six. Then for the rest of the day I was on that two wheeler. No training wheels. By the time I came in for supper I knew how to ride that bike. When taking my bath that night mother counted twenty-nine bruises and scrapes. She said “Cindy, don’t these all hurt”. “Nope”, I said “I know everyone of them helped me ride my new two wheeler. So I know not to ride it that way again.”
This is one of my Dad’s favorite stories to tell about me. He is 80 now. This story I don’t mind him telling everyone. 🙂
I couldnt agree more. Bipolar people need all the chances they can get to get it right but so do their carers because us carers are learning every day more about bipolar & also a lot of times get it wrong
Dave, your emails are very helpful to me and I desperately need and appreciate the lifeline and support. Being a supporter of my grown youngest daughter over the past 11 years has been like a neverending roller coaster ride. It’s really been insane and so frustrating since she refuses to accept the diagnosis or stay on her prescribed meds even long enough to notice an improvement in her life and relationships. It’s so hard as a mother to watch your child do remarkably well for periods of time and then inevitably try to self-medicate with ‘street drugs’, then be snatched down into the dark pit of depression and finally spiral out of control repeatedly, over and over and over again. I can no longer keep count of the number of times I’ve sworn that I would just give up and stop trying to help her. She has cursed me, told me she hates me and been verbally abusive in every way possible countless times. But whenever she needs anything, I’m the first,, and most, times the only person she calls. She depends on me and expects me to be there for her regardless to how much or how many times she’s hurt me. I don’t know why God chose to create her the way that she is. But I know that I’ve made many mistakes in my life – some born of ignorance and just as many born of stuborness. I’ve gotten second chances and sometimes even more. And I DON’T have a mental disorder, although sometimes I feel that might be questionable! But I have held onto the tiny shreads of hope that somehow, someway, someday she will accept the diagnosis, get back on her meds and we can all live as ‘normally’ as possible. Nobody in their right mind would desire to be Bi-Polar. I accept that my daughter will need more chances to ‘get it right’ than most people. So, for now I will continue to pray for more patience, strength, endurance and understanding to deal with the constant challenges of being a Bi-Polar Supporter. My child did not ask for this disorder. Hopefully I’ll be able to keep giving her the additional chances she needs as she struggles to survive.
You are talking about straight bipolar right? The illness that has ups and downs that is treatable. We gave HUGE second and third and tenth and more chances. We risked everything to give him everything he wanted to stay at home. But instead of being insightful and thankful and having remorse for his behavior, the abuse became worse and worse. We too had to call the police. And we too, showed mercy one more time. But instead of showing remorse or doing the few things we think would help (anger management and from our own experience different mood stabilizers really work well) all of our trying and giving chances and praying and hoping, went down the drain. It was not worth all the trauma we went through over the last 5 years. It was not worth the emotional and mental and psychological devastation that goes along with the severe abuse when someone is not medicated properly. It was a waste of energy and time to think that it could be different or better for him, at the expense of us being terrorized and traumatized further. Empty soul, no empathy, serious personality disorder involved and it makes everyone else that only has bipolar disorder or illness look like a gem !
Has everyone almost repeated similar feelings of how hard it is to keep getting back up after the negative behavior keeps returning from their loved one –no matter how hard you try; my daughter does excessive spending, faults everyone and situation for not having endless money and resources also, is becoming more joyless by the minute, very inconsistant with her children , full of anger and blame; the
situation becomes exhausting and seems hopeless. No matter what support , meds, money, time its like a losing battle. Is thereany light at the end of the tunnel???
For one, they are all about second chances.
WHY SHOULD ANYONE GIVE UP, PERHAPS THE “FIRT ATTEMPT” WAS THE SIGN THAT YOU’LL PROBABLY BE TRYING AGAIN – ONCE YOU’VE COME TO SEE THAT – IT’S SMOOTH SAILING FROM THAT POINT ON.
i have a friend WHO believes in reincarnation and i appreciate those with beliefs different from mine so she proceeded to explain —I THINK IN A PAST LIFE (HERE) I BIT MORE THAN I COULD CHEW AND I TOOK ON TOO MUCH – I SAW MYSELF AS A “PARENT” NOT OF CHILDREN BUT OF ADULTS AND IT WAS TOO MUCH…..I THINK I’M HAVING ONE OF THOSE EXPERIENCES WHERE NOW I AM THE CHILD NOT JUST ANYONE’S CHILD BUT A CHILD NEVERTHELESS AND YOU KNOW WHAT??? I FEEL MUCH BETTER NOW….A LITTLE FREER, A LITTLE RICHER, A WHOLE LOT HAPPIER…..THIS IS THE SECOND CHANCE I WAS HOPING FOR……LIKE YOU SAID IT’S ALL ABOUT CHILDREN – WE TODDLE, WE CRAWL, WE SCREAM BECAUSE UNFORTUNATELY, WE FIND OURSELVES AT THE MERCY OF SOMEONE ELSE AND OUR WILL IS LIMITED…. BUT EVENTUALLY THE “PACIFIER” (the good secret) perhaps hearing a man next door say Mummy call you..COMES ALONG AND THE WORLD IS A GOOD PLACE….. I GET IT, AND I THINK YOU DO TOO!
EVEN IF THE GLOBE WEARS OLGA – OLGA WILL BE JUST ANOTHER FELLOW CHILD ALONGSIDE ME ON OUR VACATION – THIS WAS THE STORY OF OLGA…..THANKS MR. NEXT DOOR – YOU’VE HELPED ME SEE WHAT IT MEANS TO REALLY BE A CHILD OF GOD
I am bipolar and so is my brother and watching what my brother puts my mother through is so sad.She is almost 80 and I worry it is going to shorten her life,not to mention the quality of what is left for her.My dad died 5 yrs., ago and my brother has lived with her ever since.All of the other siblings have tryed to help,he drinks strong beer so it’s really tough.We all wish mom had more time for us,but we take the back burner most of the time.He attempted suicide 1/2 yr. ago and says he won’t again but he is going to have to go to jail in the end of summer.It is so hard for him to deal with,if anyone can pray for his incarseration to be bearable we would greatly appreciate it.I am doing good,I quit drinking long ago,but I have a dear husband that gave me a zillian chances,God bless him.Good luck to all you caretakers of bipolar loved ones,hang in there!
I never give up easily, only after I tried absolutely everything and failed, then I leave it to fate. My loved one with bipolar and I have not been together as a couple for over a year now. He broke my heart, but he is still my best friend and I still support him and stick by him. The good thing is he has been episode-free for over 2 years now, although he seems to be in some sort of limbo. He doesn’t want to do anything, which is sad, as he is just letting life go by. I have been trying to move on and hoping to meet a new man, still with a spark of hope that we may get back together. But for now I have to leave it to fate.
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BETTY, I’m so sorry to read your story. You are obviously going through a grieving process and guilt and blaming yourself is so often a part of that. Please know that what happened is not your fault. It is a bipolar tragedy. I hope you have some good friends to support you and help you through this time and maybe a counselor can help. Do as much as you can to go out of the house to distract yourself, meet people, maybe get a pet. Prayers and healing thoughts are with you.
.
CHRIS, Yes lying seems to be common with bipolar. Even more common than lying is being in denial. If your fiancee is going through an episode she may well be lying and twisting everything. It maybe a good idea for you to not give her access to too much money until she is better. Don’t leave cash in the house, change the PIN for the bank account.
I was sooo lucky to have the Mother I needed during my “bipolar days.” From 1968 to 1977, I had three hospitalizations for mania. Not only did my Mom take me home, she treated me as if I DIDN’T have a mental illness. Sometimes that made it hard to explain to her what I was feeling/thinking, but, on the whole, being treated as “normal” turned out to be the right thing at the right time. My last hospitalization was in 1977. At that time, I hated my Mother, and didn’t want her around. She wrote me the dearest letter, trying to figure out WHAT she did wrong with me, and why did I HATE her so. I still have that letter, and every time I read it, I cry. I have not had a hospitalization, or major manic episode, since. My beloved Mother died of Alzheimer’s in 1991, before which I became HER caregiver. She lived with me and my husband for four years before she became unamangeable and we had to put her in a nursing home. Yes, she was the CHAMPION of second, third, and even SIXTH chances. After each hospitalization, she took me in and was a great Supporter, though she never acknowledged that her “precioius daughter” had a “flaw.” I have been on a looong road to recovery. I’m twice widowed at 62, and live alone with my two cats. I have the utmost support from the local Mental Health Clinic, and know they are there if/when I need them. I “grew up” in the School of Hard Knocks, but I still look over my shoulder should the dreaded “bipolar” creep up on me. But, I follow a treatment plan, take my meds, and see my shrink on a regular basis. I’m also in a Mood Group Therapy program every week. Although one is never CURED of bipolar, they can “learn to live with it,” and have a pretty good life…I know I do…
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I continue to pray for my country.
Right now my daughter is in the state hospital. I’m not sure for how long she was court ordered. We think 3 to 6 months.It is so hard on me and my husband but we have each other to lean on. She was doing so well before she relapsed. She did stop taking her medications and did fine for 8 months she was convinced she was cured. So now we are on a long road to recovery when she comes home. Please keep us in your prayers. David you have helped us with all your advice it has helped and giving us new ways of handling situations with our daughter. Thank you and God bless you.
Dave, I am so grateful for your constant flow of encouragement. In a world where a supporter can almost feel pressured to walk away from a loved one who makes life too complicated, your messages continue to support me in my personal comittment to persevere through many incidents other people would not.
Thank you and don’t stop spreading your educated and personal experience perspectives.
Paisley in Florida