Hi,
You know, I get a lot of emails and calls asking me some of the same questions, and so those are the ones I try to write to you about, because you may be dealing with the same issues. Well, one of the questions I get asked about most often is what to say and what NOT to say to your loved one when they’re in a bipolar episode. I got asked this by one woman especially this one time:
“Dave, I hope you can help me. I am so frustrated I don’t know what to do. My husband is just so mad at me it seems like all the time. No matter what I say it always seems like it’s the wrong thing to say like I can never say anything right. Of course this is only when hes in a bipolar episode otherwise hes the nicest guy in the world. But how do I know whats the right thing to say and whats the wrong thing to say so I don’t make him so mad all the time? Can you tell me? Thanks Emily.”
Well, maybe you feel the same way. Maybe the same thing is happening to you. If so, know that this is a common thing that happens when someone who has bipolar disorder goes into an episode, especially a manic one where they get agitated, irritable, and angry. So how do you know what to say and what NOT to say then? I can tell you from my own experience with my mom, as well as from what I’ve learned from talking to other supporters and what they’ve written to me and told me.
For example, you should never tell your loved one in an episode that you know how they feel.
This is one comment that can make them very angry at you. The truth is that you do not have bipolar disorder, so there is no way that you can truly know how they feel. It would be better if you said something like: “I can understand that you might be feeling [ ] right now…” And insert a word like frustrated, or angry, or resentful, or hurt, or whatever feeling you have noticed or think that your loved one may be feeling. This way you’re acknowledging their feelings, but you’re not antagonizing your loved one, either. Especially if you stay calm and say it in a soft voice. You’re showing your support and understanding, but you’re not assuming anything either, which is what makes them mad at you.
Another thing you should never say to your loved one during an episode is, “You could just snap out of this if you wanted to,” or something along those lines. I know you can get really frustrated waiting for your loved one to come out of their episode, but this is still not the right thing to say, even if you have to bite your tongue. I know I did, when my mom was in her episodes. I kept thinking things like, “If she loved me, she would stop this behavior,” or, “If she would just try harder, she could come out of this episode,” and things like that.” But I realized that she WAS trying, and that she was NOT doing this to me personally! If you say these things to your loved one, you’ll be making a mistake. These types of comments can truly make them mad (hurt them) because, well, think of yourself in their shoes. If it were you, don’t you think if it were that easy, that you would do it? It isn’t that easy. That’s why your loved one is struggling.
You need to be more loving, supportive and understanding. Try saying something like: “I know this is a hard thing for you to be going through, but I just want you to know that I’m here for you.” Your loved one may say things like, “Just leave me alone!” Or even something as terrible as, “I hate you!” My mom did that, too. But you can’t take it personally. It’s just part of their bipolar episode.
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
This is so true. My husband yells, says no one helps him. He works when he feels like it. He is negative and actually scares me sometimes. We have been separated for almost 4 years now. He says I abandoned him and is very aggressive but I have tried almost everything. I do feel like I abandoned him and want to help him so bad. Everyone has given up on him.
OMG I have a son that calls us everyday and yells and screams at us……It is horrible, calling me names like Pig, and worse yet……….I cannot reach him and I know this is not him…………He lies, drinks and spends money he does not even have………I wish I convience him into taking medicine…He was diagnosed with manic four years ago and now he is in another episode….It been about 5 long months already………I think I am going to need meds after this is over………I have David Oliver books and it helps at time but sometimes I don’t know what to do……….
My love one always wants to blow money when he is in a episode. I am theonly one working and we ddon’t have extra money. But he will keep on on wanting more money he put us in a financial bind. He want to go places but it really puts us in bind. Then I get stressed out for the bills get behind or struggle to pay them. What should I do? Any thoughts?
David, Thank you for posting “Don’t say this”. I needed
to read it because just last night I has an episode with
a loved one and was afraid I said the wrong things.Today,
nothing has been said about the incident between us but
I think they wanted my understanding more than my sympathy
or advice. I think it’s great that you are so dedicated to this website.
This is something I struggle with. At my husband’s request, I attend his counseling sessions with him. He never wants to “own” his behavior when he has had an episode so he asks me to tell the counselor about the events between visits. I actually asked this same question of the counselor and was given the same advice as David’s. But it backfired. My husbands episodes are getting increasingly aggressive to the point it is abusive. Our children fear him. He says such hateful things and drags us through the mud for hours. I can’t count the number of times he has told me to just leave him but then when I say fine, if that’s what you want, he goes to pieces afraid I am leaving. I never know what to say, what not to say and the things he says to me are just vicious. I feel helpless. This is not a good environment for children yet I love this man with my whole being and don’t want to give up on him or abandon him. I don’t know what to do.
Dave another good article close to home big time. I read the things your to say nd not to say, and totally agree with you……
But what the heck do ya do when you have a partner like that?! my husband thinks Bi-polar is not real, it is just all in your head, and your just being weak minded, snap out of it and get over it are his words whern I am in a lower part of my Bi-polar, he says all the wrong things that your nit supposed to say to your partner with BP, which is me. It is a hard battle with this, the way he is. He works out of twon a lot so we are not around each other a whole ots of the time, but when he is, this is what I deal with. The meds do what they can, but they only go so far. At times feels like I am losing my mind, just needing encouraging words but never get them, just cold and unfeeling, it is like an annoyance to him when I am in my lower part of my BP, he does not want to believe that Bi-polar is real, or he just does not want to deal with it. I try and be happy when he is home for the few dya he is, hide it all…do you know how much energy that takes? a lot, by the time he leaves I am so mentally drained and usually crash, and have heck of a time pulling myself out.
I do not realy know how long this all can last, really don’t!! feel so alone in this!!
Christina.Macdonald168@gmail.com
I call this the Emancipation of Emily Rose! My boyfriend has a young relative that said once “Why is everyone mean to Clarita – They are always yelling at her she’s a big person (meaning an adult); Wow out of the mouth of babes! Even a small child recognizes that an Adult should be spoken to with a respectful tone and to notice inappropriate behavior by other adults is quite frightening. Even noticing that the adult is being treated as a small child.
I was trying to figure out exactly what to “Say” in this case.
I answered him gently by saying some “big people” are not quite themselves they are not well so they behave in a way that shows their sickness. They don’t mean to be mean however the sickness sometimes gets in the way and it sounds terribly loud. He understood right away that Clarita is a good human it’s just that her environment is not healthy and there are many “sick” people that display “sick” behaviors.
My boyfriend was very impressed that I articulated this so simple that a small child could understand that it’s never right to see adults screaming at adults but when he does, it’s because that adult is not a healthy adult and is in need of medication.
His next question was “when” will her environment take the medication; she’s too nice to them! I simply blushed and remained speechless. lead the horse to water but who can really “make” it drink?
Good question though huh Dave?