Bipolar: Don’t Do This To Yourself

Hi,

I got this email from a supporter the other day and I thought I’d share it with you because I have some thoughts on it for you:

“Dave, I thought I was a good supporter, and I try to do the things you tell me to do in your emails, but my husband keeps going into episodes anyway. When I try to help him, he just gets mad at me, and we end up fighting. I think I’m doing the right things, but he won’t even listen to me. I’m so sad and frustrated. I just don’t know what else to do. I know it’s all my fault. I must be the worst supporter in the world. Deborah”

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I’ve gotten many emails like this from supporters who feel just like Deborah. Maybe you feel like her, too. If so, just know that you’re not alone. Now, I’m not a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, or anyone like that, but I know how she feels, because I went through it with my mom. I experienced all those feelings, too, and I didn’t know what to do.

But let me address Deborah’s email directly, since so many supporters are going through the same thing that she is. The biggest thing I sense here is GUILT. And that is very common. And what I have to say to that is: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! You could be the ace, #1, absolutely BEST supporter in the world, but if your loved one refuses to do what they’re supposed to do for their OWN stability, then nothing you do is going to change that. Again, it is NOT your fault.

It has nothing to do with you. It is THEIR problem, and not yours. Now, Deborah says that she follows what I say in my emails for supporters. But I also write emails for people who have bipolar disorder. And if her husband was doing what I told him to do in my emails to him, he would be listening to her, he would be doing what he needs to be stable, he wouldn’t be fighting with her, and he sure wouldn’t be going into episodes, now would he?

It sounds like Deborah is trying to do all the right things. She is trying to help her husband. She is trying to be supportive. She is trying to get her husband to do the things he should do to stay stable. But you can’t force someone to do something that they don’t want to do. That’s where her frustration and sadness are coming from. But here’s the most important thing (and I hear this from so many supporters): Deborah is BLAMING herself for her husband’s bad bipolar behavior and lack of stability. You can tell, when she says, “It’s all my fault.” Well, I’m not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but it sure doesn’t seem like it to me! It seems to me like she’s trying everything she can to be supportive to her husband.

How is it her fault that he won’t listen to her and won’t let her help him? He is an adult, and makes his own choices. He can choose to let her help him or not. He can choose to listen to her or not. He can choose to be stable or not. It is NOT her fault if he makes the wrong choices. “I must be the worst supporter in the world,” she says. But the very fact that she reached out to me and sent me that email proves that she isn’t! The fact that she is asking for help for her and her husband proves that she isn’t!

 

Well, I have to go!

 

Your Friend,

 

Dave

 

  1. I am a person with bi-polar disorder, and I have a few things to say in regards to Deborah, I just have one question in regards to your husbands meds, have they figured out the right combination? I know I do everything possibly right by taking everything that they prescribe me, but I still have the mood swings, and they are still trying to adjust them, so that I won’t. If this is the case, I know it is hard, but please have patience with him because if this is the problem, it is hard to follow through on the rest of your healthy decisions that you must follow through with to stay on track. If that is not the case, I praise you, I have an amazing support system, and without them, I don’t know what I would do!!! So, don’t ever get down on yourself or blame yourself, it is our responsibility once we are stable to continue therapy, taking medications, etc..to keep ourselves healthy no one else’s!! Your husband should be appreciative of you because you don’t know how many people in my life I’ve lost because they didn’t understand or know how to cope with me!! So, may GOD bless you and stay strong!!

  2. Been there, done that.. to make that misstake. Blaming myself.. and tried to make it better etc, etc… well, it is one thing what we all has done, right? tried to be better supporters. Yeps, it is good thing when it goes to normal level, but it is destructive when it goes unhealthy level.. and I think all of us need find yours own normal level to be supportive.. be good supportive but not destroy yours own live at doing in it.

  3. Hey All,

    Dave, please help I – Me ex wife bipolar and has been very abusive towards she sisters. Me wouldn’t want to do this to me-self however many personalities come through this dame. Me dont know how when why or where she pick up so many personalities. Me and She brotha made a discovery — she was asked to put on one to many hats and as a result of not focusing – dem all take her head. I try not to do this to me-self but I dont think she deserve to be punished by life’s many personalities. She started to take she meds so me hope to hear a change as I stay as far as the sahara from whatever Ajax, Pinesol, Clorox may trigger from she next.

    best regards

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