Hi, Am aware she is a user but she does jnot seem to have anyone else to turn to apart from her family. Alwasy asks me questionss even about subjects i dont really know about. she is platonic (Unfortunately) and Ive worn myself out telling her I adore her. IOf I go my own way wont that hurt her? If i say im not interested thta would be a lie from me. Any ideas please ?

Your bubblegum analogy is interesting. You see, I am the one who is bipolar. I’ve struggled more than you can ever, ever imagine and I have been considering throwing in the towel — with life, that is.

You see, I am a 45 year old woman who has had a more difficult life than most people could ever deal with. Counselors, family and friends have ALL confirmed this to be the case when they understand and hear the stories.

I grew up the hard way, divorced mother (three times), who is probably bipolar herself, and I was the caretaker, of her and of my sister. My father is a Southern Baptist minister and no one can ever live up to his standards, least of all, me.

I have worked since I was 13, put myself through college and have had a pretty good career, considering. I have a lot of talent and according to colleagues am one of the most creative and dynamic people you have ever met (one of my bipolar tenancies, I suppose).

But when obstacles come, and I have had a lot of them, I get deeply depressed.

I married a man who is a narcissistic alcoholic and tried to make things work with him for 19 years, constantly hearing from him that I was the one with the problem because of my depression and inability to accept accountability for my problems. I have believed it all these years, obviously because I am so insecure and of course bipolar and things always go so perfectly for him (they call him Perfect Patrick), so the problem obviously was me.

I have two children and they say they hate me now and never want to see me again because I have threatened to kill myself and give up on life so many times and have made their lives miserable.

This hurts even more because all I have done for the past 18 years (my daughter is 18, my son is almost 14), is try to make them and their father happy and to make them love me. I tried to hold down intense executive-level jobs, come home and cook, clean and mother all three of them, to no avail. They wouldn’t help at all. So, I would quit my job (I’ve done this three times) and try to be a better mother and wife, again thinking it was all my fault.

They have been more abusive than most people can fathom. They have spit in my face, hit me called me a crazy, obnoxious, fat, ugly, f-ing, bitch. Their father has filled their heads with a lot of this and they have bought it hook, line and sinker. None of them lifted a finger to help me, leaving dirty dishes all over the house, trash in the floor, even letting the dogs potty in the house because they were too lazy to take them out, and leaving it there for me to clean up. I begged time and again for help, but again they said I was just obnoxious and needed to get over it.

In January of last year (a year and a half ago), I felt like I had reached my limit of pain and left. They had all three left me crying in the floor too many times and I loved them too much to continue to make them miserable. In all honesty, somehow I wanted them to see my pain, not feeling sorry for me as much as appreciating me and loving me for all I did for them and how much I love them.

Obviously, that wasn’t the outcome, they said good ridden’s. In the process of divorce, my husband took everything from me. He had obviously been preparing for this for quite awhile, had even told the kids so. He had manipulated all our finances so that all the assets were hidden (with his mother and brother) and all our debts were huge. I had never been privy to our finances, even though I brought in almost half the income. But I had assumed we were in great shape since we lived in a half million dollar home, drove very nice cars, went on great trips, etc.

Anyway, the kids obviously chose to stay with him and he left me with only debts. I have been trying my hardest to get a good job for over a year. I did finally get one last year, actually got three offers in one week. The best paying one was far away though and so I chose to take the one where I wouldn’t have to move away. Big mistake.

By staying in the same town, I left myself for even more abuse. My ex had leased his very expensive vehicle in my name, so I had to take it. He had bought a boat in my name and of course it was upside down financially as well. I hired a divorce attorney who was easily manipulated, didn’t check his financial information. I trusted her and thought I had no alternative and so I ended up with all this debt and in a job that was impossible for me and paid nowhere near enough for me to make ends meet. I lost that job in January.

I have lived off support from family, my church and what was left of my retirement. I have even spent a trust fund that was set up for my daughter by my parents. My ex keeps asking for that since the divorce settlement put it in his name. He has no idea I have spent it, but I had no other choice but to be in the street. Oh, I didn’t tell you, when I originally left him I had no place to go, he wouldn’t leave the home although his mother lived less than a mile away. I had no friends or family in that town, since it was his hometown, and had to go stay with a church member for eight weeks until I found a small place that I “thought” I could afford.

Now, I have moved away at the insistence of friends and family and moved back to my hometown. I am in debt up to my eyeballs and the only job I have been able to secure is as a server at a restaurant making $2 an hour plus tips. It is grueling work, especially for a woman my age not used to being on my feet all day. It is quite humbling too since I am used to making more than $80K per year.

My children say they never want to speak to me again and I have not heard from them for over a month now. My heart breaks each and ever morning the minute I awake and I have absolutely no will to live. Yet, I don’t have the nerve to slit my wrists.

So, now that I have told you all of this, and you probably hit the delete a long, long time ago, let’s revisit the bubblegum analogy. My life is the used up bubblegum. I have two choices, and actually feel like I have done both to no avail.

I have tried putting that gum (my life) back in my life, chewing it (living it) anyway and trying to suck any flavor I can get out of it. That sucks, literally as it just gets worse and worse, right?

And, I have tried throwing the old gum (my old life) away and trying to start another, but it seems everywhere I turn, I suppose the analogy is ever stick of gum, brings no satisfaction whatsoever.

So, since I have tried both of your choices, I suppose the only thing I am left with is not to chew gum anymore — in essence, give up on all of it, because I have most certainly given it my all.

So, there you have it. That’s the message I get today.

And where my life stands. Or I suppose, where it ends.

Oops, I accidentally hit enter too soon. You sound like a very strong woman who has had many accomplishments in your short life. I believe your children will come around eventually. Yes you have had a very hard life no doubt, but maybe all these trials you have/are going through are leading to better things, that you obviously deserve. Again DO NOT GIVE UP. Although it doesn’t seem possible now, your children would really miss their mom. Keep pushing and best of luck to you.

Terry I want to tell you not to give up…It may seem that nothing is working in your life and you feel so alone, but trust me you are not alone in fact your story is alot like my story..July 14 2003 my husband (now exhusband) left me and I was facing a morgage, car and other credit cards and bills alone with my daughter at the time was 10 years old.
my husband medicated his self with drugs and drinking almost daily not to mention all of the womanizing…any way he left and at the time I could not afford a lawyer at the time to try make my husband help with all of the debt. Thankfully I did sale my house before forecloser and my wonderful family (sisters and bother) help me and my daughter move into a small rentle house and out the time I just wanted to give up and die but I turn to God for all my strength and I knew my daughter was suffering and I had to get better and strong.
It took me a year later to get up the nerve to divorce my husband.I did not make very much money off of the sale of my house even though I had over a 150 thousand dollars worth of equity in it ,I sold it for just a little over what was owed on it and that was better than forecloser, and everything was in my name too. I could not trust my husband to do the right thing and to treat me right. He was to busy living his wild life to care about me or our daughter,so I had to do what I felt was right to take care of us.
I did alot of praying every day and was so scared and felt alone and abandon and abused by him but God got me through it.
I ask my family and my sunday school class to pray for me and for guidance.
every day was a new fresh day even though for almost 2 years I cried my self to sleep every night and alot of mornings i did not want to get up but i did and put on a fake smile and was there for my daughter she needed me.
I would like to tell you now my smiles are not fake, I feel alot better now and it has been 4 years since my divorce was final. I still love my husband but he hurt me bad and almost destoried me emotionally,mentally, physically, and spritually.
WOW that is giving a human being alot of power that they don’t deserve to have!!!!
I know its hard to be strong but please don’t give up just take on day at a time and if it means starting rebuilding credit homes familys what ever you want you can do it.
I now in a home of my own , it isn’t big but its nice and its clean, and my daughter loves it and she has friends over and I do and my family is proud of me too. and there is peace….grace…. and happiness but some days I Still miss my husband and some times holidays are rough because we have to share our daughter and my house is empty and I know its hard on you with your childern being with ther Dad but you have to understand they are torn but they do love you both and they need you to be strong even when you don’t feel like it.
Please don’t give up and remember you are loved by your kids and God.
I don’t know if this has helped you at all but just know you are not alone.
Take care and don’t give up.

Wow, Terry, ((((Hugs)))) for you!

I wish I could say this briefly, this may be a long reply, but it is a good one…

People grow up forming beliefs out of their circumstances. For me and you, we got the message that we are not “good” enough, or don’t deserve respect, and that we have no hope. I want you to know there IS HOPE FOR YOU!!! Fear is what sounds like I hear coming from you. You explained all the reasons why you fear life will only give you more of what you have gotten so far. Faith on the other hand, has no evidence to support it, we must choose to have faith that there is hope for us without any evidence that it is true, but we can do it! Hope is the most critical need that we have and the good thing is we can choose to have hope in even the circumstances you have described. My life was hopeless. I tried to OD on my medication once, and another time I tried to cut my throat. I wasn’t playing around. I was out of control. I was in a psychiatric hospital and couldn’t get my medication, that’s right, I was in a psychiatric hospital on suicide watch and they didn’t have my medication when I got there, I hadn’t taken my evening does the night before I got there, so I missed my previous evening dose, my morning dose, and then another evening’s dose. It’s a long story, but I wanted you to know that the only reason I didn’t succeed was because I couldn’t find anything sharp enough to actually cut myself. But I damn sure tried!!! I had no hope!!! You didn’t mention if you were able to stay on your medication through out this ordeal, but if you are without your medication, by all means look for a way to get seen by a psychiatrist and get back on your meds.

If you are on your medication, the good news is we can choose to have hope! Hope is “THE MOST CRITICAL” need we have! And the good part is we can meet it by believing things will get better. I know you have plenty of evidence that things are horrible and that it looks like they will stay that way, but Hope is a choice. I really believe that. As long as we are on our medication we can choose to have hope. There doesn’t have to be any “Evidence” that things will work out, we just have to choose to believe that things will. Once I realized that, my outlook in life changed, my life changed, and I got better. Life doesn’t have to change for us to get better, but for life to change, we need to get better. They say Faith can move mountains, Well Hope Can Move The EARTH! All it takes is a ray of hope and you will begin to improve. You have the choice to believe in hope, hope that things can and will get better. There is a stick of gum out there with your name on it, it is full of flavor, and it is comprised of HOPE.

You also didn’t mention if you have had any therapy over the past 20 years or so. I have found therapy indispensable to my recovery from child abuse. Trust me, what you went through was abusive. Your parents may not have physically beat you, or starved you to death physically, but they did hit you with words, and starved you of the attention everyone needs to develop self esteem. My psychologists have been substitute parents for me. They taught me all the things my parents never could or did. I learned in therapy how to survive child abuse. So I highly recommend seeing a good psychologist trained in treating child neglect/abuse.

They say sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me… Nothing could be farther from the truth. Sticks and stones can ONLY break our bones, but words alone can KILL us! You have those messages from home, from your dad’s disapproval, from your mom’s incompetence as a parent, recycling through your mind telling you you are no good, that you don’t deserve respect, that you cannot be loved because you are not worthy. The only thing that can change these messages is you being in therapy with a good Psychologist. Trust me. They can work miracles. They did for me.

The new stick of gum to try is going to see a psychologist. And if you have seen them before and it didn’t help it was the individual psychologist that didn’t help. The therapy process works. Some psychologists are bad. Others are Good. If one is sour, spit it out and try another one till you find one that can and does help you. There is hope!

I know you are working a low paying job. But we have to do what we have to do to survive. I am not able to work, I draw disability. I bet I get less per month than you make at your low paying job! But I am Happy! I am stable most all the time. I still have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from my childhood because it was so bad, my dad made Freddy Cruger look like the Easter Bunny! Seriously. If I can over come my problems, and be happy on the crumbs the government gives me, you can start where you are and end up back at an $80K job! I promise!

It is when it looks like the end, that on faith, we must depend! I am not talking about religious faith, I mean faith that their is hope that your life will improve. It is usually when we feel like we want to quit that we need to keep going, and usually when we want to keep on at something that is not working that we need to quit! The way you are thinking to yourself is the problem. You mentioned you realized you have insecurity. That should be the main focus of what you want to change. Insecurity is like if life were a calculator and life punches in the numbers, but when we are insecure, “WE” hit the negative, subtract sign, and life keeps taking away from us. With positive self esteem life punches in the “SAME” numbers but “WE” hit the positive sign and life starts adding up for us. The only way I know of to help you is for you to believe there is hope first of all, then second do what you can to find a psychologist to reprogram your thinking. There are low cost places. Since you have access to the internet, google “low cost counseling in (your city and state)” and you should get a list of places that offer free or low cost therapy.

Sorry this is so long, but I really want you to know that the only thing you need to do is believe there is hope, and it will appear! Then things start to happen that reinforce that hope, and eventually you become Full of hope!

May you find peace and comfort knowing none of this is your fault. All the things you described are that there are abusive people who were mean to you, and mean people are mean to anyone they can pick on. It has nothing to do with you as a person. You are a determined, persistent, courageous and tenacious person who refuses to give up! I see nothing but good qualities in you!

Hang in there, reach out for help, and just believe it will work out, and I can assure you it WILL!!!

In Compassionate Understanding,
From someone who has been where you are,
Sincerely,
Bob

Isnt that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I have a tendency to use reverse pyschology on my loved one most of the time. It works and theres no insults so he doesnt become aggitated. Thanks for your articles they have been very interesting to me

I like the idea: “Bubble-gum theory”.
Throw it out is an option. If it realy gets stale, what else to do? …Maybe bubbles.
Get a fresh piece, but without get out the old one?!
Bye