Hi,
I hope you’re doing ok today.
We hear a lot about how important communication is.
Especially in a relationship, bipolar or not.
Many supporters of a loved one with bipolar disorder tell me that it’s very hard to communicate with their loved one.
Here are some of the complaints I’ve heard from other supporters:
1. My loved one sleeps too much
2. My loved one isolates
3. They won’t talk about things,
or will only talk about surface
things
4. They watch TV all the time
5. They are “in their own little
world”
6. They are rarely home (and
then only to eat and sleep)
7. They ignore me
8. They don’t listen to what
I’m really saying
9. They are self-centered
10. They complain all the time
Now, first of all, how can you communicate with someone who sleeps all the time?
Consider that they may have a problem such as being over-medicated, in which case you should talk to their doctor.
But also consider that they may be sleeping to avoid talking with you (or anyone else).
Don’t take this personally, it could be part of their bipolar disorder – possibly even a sign that they are in a depressive
episode.
As far as your loved one isolating (and therefore not really “there” to even talk to), isolation is both a trigger to a bipolar episode and a symptom of one.
So, again, don’t take it personally, but if you think they are in an episode, contact their doctor.
Hypersomnia (sleeping too much) and isolation are just two of the symptoms of a bipolar episode that I go over in my courses/systems:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
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http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
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http://www.bipolarparenting.com
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Some supporters tell me that their loved one just sits around and watches TV all the time, seeming to shut them out.
Well, some people with bipolar disorder will do this, if they’re trying to escape their disorder (shut the world out).
The problem with that is not only that they won’t communicate with you, but also that they won’t get any better, because they need to be productive and do something other than just sit in front of the TV doing nothing.
Some supporters complain that their loved one is rarely home, and even then only to eat and sleep. They feel slighted, and their feelings are hurt. But they don’t tell their loved one that they’re feeling this way, so the person has no reason to act any different.
Even if they are home, they may ignore you, not listen to what you’re really saying, be self-centered, and complain all the time.
None of these situations lends itself to good communication.
Some supporters have even told me that even when their loved one does talk to them, that it’s only about surface things, and not their thoughts and feelings.
If your loved one is talking to you but doing it in the form of complaining, or only surface things, they are not really communicating.
They are just talking AT you, instead of WITH you (especially for those who say their loved one doesn’t listen to them).
Your loved one may be so consumed by their bipolar disorder and the issues surrounding it that they give no consideration toward good communication with you.
You need to sit down together when your loved one is NOT in an episode, and communicate your thoughts and feelings to them.
As long as you do it in a supportive, loving way, instead of an angry or hostile way (such as: “You NEVER talk to me!” which will make them feel defensive), they should be able to hear what you’re saying.
As long as you aren’t pushy, they may be willing to open up to you and trust you enough to tell you what their thoughts and feelings really are.
Have you had problems communicating with your loved one?
How did you solve the problem?
Post responses below
Hi David,
This is a very important topic and I’m thankful that you have also taken the time to share this information with others.
It helps, as you pointed out, to make sure that my wife is not battling an episode when we talk things over. What helps is when we take time to go out to dinner to a quiet place and we are able to really talk without much interruption. As long as her anxiety is low, public situations can help quite a bit.
Here’s an article I wrote last night about a similar topic if you’re interested…http://thebipolarspouse.com/2009/10/04/helping-the-normal-to-understand/
I am bipolar,when I don’t feel defensive and overwhelmed by the way I am talked to. I make other people feel that way. Eventually,it leads to one big argument that can last days.
Hi,
I think I have blown it with my relationship forever.
I have known him for 11 years and have been together with him on and off for five years.
He is a homeless activist, and I have tried to create a co-op since he had broke off our engagement to be able to stay at my apt more than a week at a time even facing having to move for the owner wants to build a condo.
Well he was on a 32 day hunger fast for healthcare and asked me for a dollar and wanted to work in my garden, and I felt violated, and yelled at him because he didn’t respect me because he hasn’t shaved in years.
What should I do? Should I move on, should I wait for him, He says he wants to be away from me for at least a year or two so I would heal.
I love him, and I am sorry, but I really yelled at him, saying I never wanted to see him again or hear his voice, and it really hurt him.
He has since come back to work on a few things at my apt. he wanted to take care of, ie. a computer, and food basket.
We use to feed the homeless vegan meals, so I was preparing to make him pasta, but he says he has had the flu and couldn’t eat and that we are breaking up and then he said maybe we will get in touch with me in a week. I think my yelling at him has taken a toll on him!
I am so sorry that I have gone off on him, and I love him very much, but I have had a problem of yelling at him many times before.
Can I salvage this relationship?
Sincerely, Charity (A very remorseful girlfriend(partner)
P.S. He wants me to work on my activism, but I want to work with him!
Debbie Brown is my sister & I truly appreciate the comments regarding her bipolar condition. Hopefully she will open up to me when she is not in an episode.
Hi.
All that you mentioned has happened between me and my bipolar husband. I feel I am dealing with a narcissist. In fact, is it possible that the two are quite similar? I have tried all those communication tips given by the best shrinks and believe me I have a major patience and having been a teacher and public relations, with major background on psychology I thought I could handle communication pretty well even with the thoughest. But after complete blank stares and non responses, he just turns around and says: “I haven’t heard a word because I couldn’t care less. I am a far greater human being and petty things do not come into my sphere”. Shrinks say they don’t go into his world, so are we supposed to???
I am so saddened by my 30 year old daughter that not only doesn’t communicate but when she does it is hateful like I am the arch enemy. She has a beautiful little 4 year old girl that my husband and I are raising for her. She did function well until she received this diagnosis and then her life and ours went downhill. She had a good job, a car, an apartment and her girl, since she was diagnosed she has lost all of that and ended up on the streets using IV drugs. She is on meds from her shrink and swears she takes them as she is supposed to but I cannot believe anything she says any more. How do we get help from here? Thanks for letting me vent.
Dear Dave It is uncanny but everytime I’m having a problem as a supporter to my daughter, you write abut the exact same thing.
For the last 2 days my daughter has been acting odd – that is she has been sleeping A LOT ( she slept all of yesterday) she has also been talking ( almost incoherently) of what she wants to do in 2 years time.
for the first day I became very anxious – and I realised at the end of that day that feeling anxious was not helpful and was reflective of me referencing past BP episodes, and how they started.
So I had a big think about it all and decided the best kind of supporter was one who was proactive- so I told my daughter ( who was wrapped up in her blankets and totally non communicative) that I would let this present stage go for the today but she would have to ring her boss and tell her boss she wasn’t coming in and 2) she would have to be present at all meal times and 3) if this mood hadn’t shifted by the next day out of concern for her mental wellbeing, I would call her mental health team and tell them what was happening.
Rachel emailed her boss, she came to every meal and then retresated to her room (I sent her childrenb in to give her little kisses and cuddles promptly every hour – it was her birthday yesterday – and that may have somethinmg to do with it.)and this morning she got up had a shower put on clean clothes and went to work – she ignored me and that’s okay I love my daughter and I think she has so much courage to face daily this enemy BP even before she has had a chance to have breakfast and clean her teeth. I love my daughter:
If theres anything I have gotten from this is the problem around TIMING when does a supporter step and say something without taking the onus of the control of teh disorder away from their loved one?
Thank you Dave for such insightful opinion.
Regards
Shona
I am writing as a person with bipolar disorder, who has NO 24/7 Supporter. But I find that if another person is talking to me in a condescending manner, I turn them OFF. In particular, the professional psychiatric worker. This happens mostly when I am hospitalized for a manic episode. “Are you comfortable?” “Are you acting appropriately?” The WORST was one time when my Mom visited me at the State Hospital. She talked in a low, almost whisper, way, saying something like, “Is there anything I can do for you? How are you feeling,” in that same condescending attitude. I turned HER off, and wouldn’t even acknowledge the fact that she was there. It made me feel as if I WERE a mental patient, and she wasn’t communicating with me on a personal level, NOT that of a psychiatric tech or nurse.
I can carry on a viable conversation with ANYONE, as long as they don’t treat me as if I am “mad as a hatter,” and can’t think for myself. I’m asking Supporters to watch the caliber of their voices when talking to their loved one; it may just be as simple as the tone of your voice that sets them off.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.
Communication is very important. Although our relationship has gone a bit pear-shaped in recent months, just over the last couple of weeks communication has improved. There’s light at the end of the tunnel. He doesn’t watch tv all day, he does worse. He looks out of the window smoking watching the clouds and in the evening he reaches for the bottle. He does sleep quite a lot and I think that’s to do with his meds and maybe the drink, too. He phones me a lot now and we chat more like we did when we first got to know each other. He opens up to me. His ex still turns up and finds work for him to do. I don’t know how often he phones her. It’s good for him to do something and get out of the house, but not with her. “The devil makes work for idle hands” comes to mind.
Dear Suzanne:
your emails are thoughtful and thank you for that- it is always very hard for me to communicate with my daughter so that she does not feel in any way condescending so any thing you can say that helps me to be a good supporter for my daughter is always helpful.
I know in the past the way I said things to Rachel was not ever helpful – so I am always on the lookout for those expressions and ways of communication that are neither invasive condescending or patronizing since its about successful outcomes for both my daughter and myself and her 2 children.
regards
Shona
David,
I have learned over time, by making many mistakes, that getting angry at my daughter with bipolar NEVER helps. I always stay calm even when she is yelling. Many times I realize its time to stop talking all together. I do not ignore, I just let her calm down before proceeding. I realize I can come back and talk about issues later when she is in a better mood. Boundaries must be set. When she is in mania, I always ask her to speak to me without swearing and if she can’t I will stop the conversation until she is calm. I do not leave her I just quit speaking. Many time she is just overwhelmed and over stimulated and needs peace and quiet.