Hi,
I’ve been thinking about something, and wanted to share my thoughts with you. It’s about what happens when you try to accomplish too much too fast. Think about it. When you try to accomplish too much too fast, you are just setting yourself up for failure, because you’ll never be able to do it. It can also get very discouraging for you. Also, if you don’t know how long something should take, you can start to think it’s taking too long.
For example, after an episode. It could take up to a year to fully “fix” the after effects of an episode. Like the financial ruin – you can’t fix a bankruptcy in just two weeks! But some people think you can just do it overnight! We don’t rush the stroke victim or even the cancer victim, why do we rush the victim of bipolar disorder? Thinking that they should be over an episode
after just a week or two is just plain unrealistic expectations. Would we have that same expectation if they were getting over a physical illness? Then why are we expecting it from a bipolar episode?
I have interviewed people who are success stories, and they talk about how long it took them sometimes to fully recover from some of their episodes, and some of them say it took a whole year, and some even longer! There are certain things in life that take a certain amount of time to happen. It’s just the way it has to be.
Think about things in nature. Like the butterfly – it starts off as a caterpillar…then it goes into a cocoon… and only after a certain period of time does it change (through the process of metamorphosis) into that beautiful butterfly! It just doesn’t happen overnight. And if you interrupt it at any point in the chain of events, the whole thing would be ruined! Some things just can’t be rushed. Other things just have to take place in a certain order. And still other things have to take place at a certain time.
Wanting your loved one who has bipolar disorder to get over their episode overnight is like wanting them to be that beautiful butterfly without going through the cocoon phase! Some things are just worth waiting for. You just have to be more patient sometimes. Part of being a good supporter is being patient and understanding. And this is one of those areas where that patience and understanding will be tried.
It helps to know the process. For one thing, your loved one didn’t get this way overnight, and they aren’t going to get better overnight, either. But they will be putting forth the effort to get
better, and they will need your love, patience, support, and understanding as they go through
the process of getting better. So understanding that it is a process might help you as well.
Your loved one won’t get better overnight, but the good news is that, working together with you
by their side, they can get better.
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
I completely agree that fixing issues after an episode is a slow and tedious process. However, I do wish that my bipolar husband understood that. He is the one in the that seems to always want to fix issues overnight.
Post responses below
No personally I am worn out trying to save a person who
is not ready to admit they have a problem. We are in our
golden years and age makes you realize that you body and mind can’t take anymore NEXT MANIC EPISODE I WILL’NOT STAND BY HIS SIDE HE WILL BE ON HIS OWN
This letter about taking time to get better is wonderful! It is, indeed, a process, because in many case it’s a “hidden” disease in that the person suffering “looks” okay on the outside, but the debilitating effects can be quite invisible. I believe that a person with a broken arm gets more attention in general, because it is so visible. Someone can “paste” a smile on their face (maybe) and still be feeling totally awful inside, with a racing mind, or ongoing depression, or anxiety…..all that this disease entails. Yes, it takes time, much time. Getting those meds tweaked and the right, ongoing CBT are longranging musts. You definitely can’t do this too fast. Thank you, David. You’ve expressed it well.
David,
You have no idea how much I needed to hear what you had to say today! I have been receiving your e-mails for a few weeks now, but have been on the fence about ordering the bi-polar supporter’s course. I am no longer on the fence! My order is moments away.
God bless you for the work you do. You truly have no idea how many lives you may touch and even change forever.
You will be in my prayers!
Thank you again!
Diana
Thanks David
A very timely reminder to be patient – I am learning to give my daughter space and time, so feelings on both sides can calm down.
I have found that is vital to have good solid friends to turn to and pray with when I felt like I could no longer be around her…they can help me keep perspective and be strengthened for the next episode. It really works!
Bless you for all your efforts and time spent to help so many via this website -it’s much appreciated 😀
Hi Dave,
So right about people expecting an episode to disappear
overnight. That is not why UPS is so successful…
I had episodes when I didnt even know what they were,
not even knowing they were “episodes”. Just thought
it was another fall into the mud pit of another event
forever attached to depression. Depressed I was, and
dangerously so. My finances shocked me, what could I
possibly purchase in my sleep? Denial is quite strong
when you have lived with alcoholics most of your life.
I could not see, I was numb to events and feelings that
should have been celebrations in the younger years.
Then much later in life, find out I was bipolar. This
is what got me shopping on episodes considered “high”.
As a survivor I have learned to watch it all come and go many times and know there is no turn-off button to
be pressed in that roller-coaster ride.
Time is what it is and it will take a whole lot of it
to understand that there is no “snap out of it” limit
to stamp an episode with. It can even appear over when
the last rush is still bubbling quietly.
Sadly enough many of us have no support whatsoever.
Folks give your loved one(s)the compassion they need &deserve. And all the time required. None of us chose
to be born this way and time is the best healer of all.
Help them get help, encourage them to keep at it. This
will not go away through wishful thinking. We really
need to know and feel we are fighting this together.
Would you want to be in our shoes for even one day?
Didn’t think so. And Dave, stick around. Need ya.
I`m in Canada but looking for a place to send our son in USA for integrated therapy!Diagnosed after an episode w Bipolar and is abusing with weed but willing to go to rehab!
Do you have a place as I`m confused and overwhelmed by the places and programs offered and we want to take him there ASAP!!
My son has scizoeffect disorder with Bi-Polar
(a) He hears voices telling him terrible things about himself and others. He hears and sees people screaming in his face and ringing in his ears. He is on medication.
They had him on two drugs that really helped a lot but because one had a side effect of diabetes he has chose not to take that particular one. The one he is continues to take barely holds the voices at bay. Is there another group that deals primarily with his disorder. This place has been helpful, but I have so many questions on how to handle this disorder mixed with the bi-polar together, that I am stumped. If any of you know of anyone that has a group like this one that deals with his disorder please let me know. I’d appreciate it. He stays at the Salvation Army, while he is waiting and waiting and waiting on his disability to kick in. He never has a manic episode. His manic is to be less depressed. He has severe depression, too.
HELP PLEASE! Thanks, a concerned Mom
i found this post to be so helpful,my wife has fought for many years about being bipolar and has now admittted and on meds and doing what she should do,however she is so close to getting her AA degree in school only needs like 4 classes and just cant seem to get there,but after reading this it helps me understand how to explain it to her,alot of theses post have helped so much thanks dave
Thanks Dave.
your words of wisdom is wise,for the wise person learns from the person who is righteous. i have the trades of many, and the patience to gracefully age with understanding and knowledge. the person who needs my total love and care is my landlady. to whom that i cared for 10 years. its a pity that her family in a way,never did what i have done.for they chase a pocketfull of rainbows and i did not.i have not left the person that i do care for who is my landlady. this is why i am living a free rent fully paid.and out of love and caring for the person who needs love,i now have been given land far across the sea of the fijian islands.
thanks dave.
from New Zealand
Again a highly & valuable posting Dave. For me, also quite timely,as I believe I suffer with the disorder to some extent myself, and also am starting to see/believe that a friend I am getting closer to/with also has the same syndrome.
Phew.It’s all quite challenging at times but manageable as I’ve been following a spiritual path of great discipline for decades now. Thank God.
It’s just an amazing blessing to receive timely reminders. The yogis also say,”that patience is the first wont of Dharma.”-spirituality without dogma.
Heartfelt thanks once again,Dave & others who have posted here.
Cheers, M
Hi Dave, I do think compassion, communication, and patience is needed when one is going through episodes.. No one knows clearly how long an episode will last. Praying for that individual will help tremendously.
I was hoping that my recovery wouldn’t take so long. I hadn’t factored in that my husband would be a big part of my recovery. His acceptance of the schizoaffective disorder and realizing that the things I once accomplished would take me longer now. My acceptance that the things that I accomplished in mania and hypomania would now take more time. Realizing that getting the kind of medication and the strength of the medication takes awhile to figure out and that it is different for each individual was important in my recovery. There were also bad things about mania as I spent way too much money, I got involved in way too many activities and projects and therefore didn’t finish a lot of them. I also was very impulsive and had little self-control. Good communication is extremely important to help in ones recovery. And yet be careful not to be to patient for 5 years I was on anti-depressants only. I should have been on a mood stablizer too. It took another 5 years to discover the right dose of each medication. I never thought it would take that long. Don’t give up. My husband has started to understand and is quite patient. Education is a big part of the recovery process. Thanks for being a part of the educational process, Dave.
I do want to share that many people don’t realize that moths come out of cocoons and butterflies come from chrysalis.
After awhile, the caterpillars attach themselves head down to a convenient twig, they shed their outer skin and begin the transformation into a pupa (or chrysalis), a process which is completed in a matter of hours.
what do you do when your not over the getting better process and you have an episode again
joy C.
I really needed to hear message today very helpful
I had been married to a man for 23yrs who has been having episodes from day one. I did not realize what we were dealing with. He comes from a large family with a heavy family history of mental illness. Many family members are in denial and think things will just go away. They supported him but not me. I asked for their help, but did not receive any. He’s very calculating and they believe everything he says. He got involved with another woman and they told me to just get a divorce. He refuses to get evaluated and get into treatment. I would have stood by his side to the end, but no longer could afford to risk loosing our home, dealing with his infedelity issues, being blamed for everything, etc. We’ve lost thousands of dollars due to his episodes. I did not realize how bad the roller coaster was until I finally jumped off. I loved him more than anything else in the world and tried for him to get help for the last 6 months and decided I could no longer physically, emotionally and financially stay with him. My life is worth more than that. I understand the episodes and the patience, but also believe if he’s not willing to get help there is nothing more that I can do.
This is a very helpful article. Thank you so much for puting it into perpective. I have been dealing with my girlfriends episodes for about 2 months now.She is out of meds(been so since December), she is having problems with the state getting the help and meds needed. We live a couple hours apart and we have not talked for 2 weeks, she is not responding to me, I send her messages that I am here for her and love her via text and email. This article gives me persective. It also agreed with what God has been waying on my heart, patience. It is a diffucult thing but thanks to these letters and other sites I have learned more and more about Bipolar. So thank you so much for your words. Keep em coming so much help now I don’t feel like I am in left field and can be a strong support for her.