Hi David:

Just wanted to clarify that my email address (angryaswipe)is an oxymoron. I am the most optimistic chronically depressed person you will ever find in all your wheeling and dealings. I am not angry (well until someone pushes enough of my buttons) and I take life as it comes. Thank you so very much for all your hard work and the time and money you spend in sending out the emails and the information to helps us, who want to learn more, the easy way, on being able to help our loved ones with BPD. I read your emails the 1st thing when I log on, even more important to me than checking my financial situation, because I often have to calm down 2 in my household that tend to set off each other. Then we all have a great time with me in the middle.

Thanks again:
Helen

Sometimes the names represent the alter-ego all us bipolars know we have… We are truly 2 different people at times, the well person and the depressed/manic person. So dont always take these monikers as a put down of ourselves just a not so humous attempt to accept our 2 so different selves..

Hi. Todays emale Dave just shows how we stigmatise our selfs we shouldn’t be we do. I geuss stigma is so insidious we do it to our selfs esspecialy when we’re first diognosed & we’re trying to come to turms with this media & community distorted view of what mental illness realy means to us.

It’s hard not to inturnalise when your world is turned upside down by meds & a lifestile that comes with lost of side effects.

How many self medicate to cope? If your honest I bet theres a lot of you I’m not saying this is nessisaraly a bad thing bout it unfately goes against our “image”. moderation & eridation I think are the key to socilal & personal acceptance. Not calling ourselfs names as well leave that to the bias. And remember if your going to enjoy some social lubrication… One mans medicine is an other mans poisin & know your pass & recipe.

When I was first “signed in” on the Psychiatric Ward in 1968 – I didn’t think/know I was “crazy.” My only thought was that my surgeon had me admitted for “exhaustion.” I was in the middle of a full-blown manic episode (only they called it “schizophrenia” back then), and thought EVERYTHING was rosy and meant to be. My religiousity had gotten ahold of me, and I thought that I was on “Sibley 7 – for Heaven.”

After I was examined, the first thing they did was give me pills. I had been told by the other patients NOT to take them, so I hid them under my mattress. Well, someone “squealed,” and I HAD to swallow them in front of the nurse. THEN I knew it was serious.

One of the other “inmates” said to me that all of us on the Ward had a mental illness or substance abuse. I was SCARED – very, VERY scared. From that moment on, I had a label – and it was “mentally ill.” How can you AVOID internalizing your illness??!!

Anyway, I must have been the “sickest” on the Ward, because after two months, they remanded me to the custody of my parents and we went back to IL, where I was admitted to a private psychiatric hospital not too far from where my parents lived. I was still VERY “manic” and was a patient there for another four months.

I guess I must have “crashed” on the meds they gave me. This was before Lithium was even a glimmer in its inventor’s mind. Valium, Nembutal, and Seconal were all they used on me.

When I first really learned I had a label like “mentally ill,” I can remember lying on my bed, crying, telling my Mom – “I’ve lost EVERYTHING. My dream job, my fiance, my apartment – what happened??!!” There were no answers. They were giving patients ECT all over the place, and I was soooo afraid they’d give me one, too. Fortunately, I WASN’T depressed at that point, so they didn’t give me one.

I can understand why the User Name would be something like “Crazylady,” or “Insane247.” I feel it’s because if we DON’T give it a name, it will consume us. We’re “putting it out there” so it’s not SCARY anymore. The name identifies us. It tells us WE control the illness, and the illness is just an extension of our personalities. If I were braver, I might use something like “Li’lbitdamaged” for my User Name, to set me apart from the “normal” people who don’t have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder.

But – I am PROUD of my name. I’ve overcome the disorder’s hold on me (so far!), and am, therefore, a highly-functioning person with bipolar. That DOESN’T mean I’m “healed” in ANY way, or that the disorder won’t come back when I least expect it. It just shows that I know my triggers and how to limit my stressors to give the bipolar less work on my brain chemistry!

BIG HUGS to all those with bipolar disorder, and the ones who love us. My prayers are with Susan, who is going through a tough time. Let’s all give her our best wishes for nothing but “good thoughts” and hope. May God bless you real good.

Now we usually choose a name for a child because we like the sound of it, while in older days we would choose a name for its meaning hoping the child would aspire to it. In some cultures, e.g. Native American, they probably still do so. It’s true that certain names and titles make certain impressions. In my experience when someone admits to being “crazy” or whatever they are usually less crazy than someone who constantly emphasises that they’re not. e.g. I used to know a woman who couldn’t tell you often enough that she was “a very down to earth person,” as she was anything but! If she really was so very down to earth people would know and she wouldn’t have to constantly remind them. If someone describes themselves as “crazy” or “insane” it usually shows that they have a sense of humour.

The word “crazy” nowadays more often means “unconventional”, “eccentric” or even just “very lively”. Personally it would not offend me to be called “crazy” or “a bit mad”. I have been called worse (lol).

People can call themselves what they like. Example: You’re looking for a date online and you see a user name “madhatter” and another “lonelyguy”. I know which one I would pick. “madhatter” to me suggests someone who is lively, fun, interesting, while “lonelyguy” would usually be someone fairly dull.

I think Suzanne is right, by describing yourself as “crazy” etc. you’re controlling bipolar instead of bipolar controlling you.

Fortunately my daughter’s many email addresses do not have anything to do with any type of mental illness. Her most recent and most used name is: oookthen@gmail, short for oh, oh, ok then I will do it. Because I gently nag her into doing something and that is what she says every time. She has a pretty good sense of humor most of the time. My daughter and my Nephew are basically like twins, except different parents of course and they come up with the silliest, but very creative email names.

Hi Dave,
First I just want to tell you thanks for the daily emails. They really seem to give hope to an incredibly frustrating situation. I had just got out of the “hospital” in April of this year and was doing well with my meds, when my husband had to leave his job due to the threat of his company closing due to bankrupcy. Anyway, switching jobs meant either pay over $1000 a month for the insurance to carryover (which we could not afford) or go without. It was a extremely hard time for myself, but probably mostly my family. I am amazed they stuck by me, but God blessed me with an amazing family. Last month I finally decided I was either going to call a doctor and get an appointment right away, or I was going to be right back in the hospital. I am glad to report that I found a wonderful doctor that does not want to over medicate me as they have done in the past, but actually wants to help me live a better life. I have also gained a great therapist that I know actually cares about what I am going through. It is a struggle somedays, but I finally have hope.
As far as the bipolar internalizing me, I have finally learned to embrace my illness. And have finally come to terms with being ok with myself. For so long I would stop taking my meds because I wanted to be “normal” all by myself. It was so frustrating that I could not control my behaviors. Over and over this cycle went until one day I really thought about what I was doing. I had been telling myself all this time that if I could be “tough” enough I could handle this on my own with no help from anyone. Well after “waking up” being married for the third time at 26 and having seen the stress my mood swings had put on my children, I decided that it wasn’t fair to anyone, not even myself.
Believe me this took a LONG time to finally hit me.
Don’t get me wrong, making the decision that I have Bipolar was hard. However, I now know that I will have this “illness” for the rest of my life, and that is ok. I am a very creative person, and I can relate to people on a level most cannot. I understand that this is not my fault, but I know I have it now and it is my responsibility to take care of myself. The medications do make a difference, and like it or not I really do need them.
I would love to tell you that everything is great now, but even just yesterday, I lost another friend. She had been like a sister to me, and I really did love her like family. Well, after seeing me in different stages of the disorder, she decided that I am not the person she had come to love.
I started to get upset when she told me this, but you know what?? It’s ok. I am a great person, whether she sees it or not. I am ok with myself now. It’s ok with me to be called “crazy”, “crazy bitch”, or “f****** crazy”, “psycho”, or whatever because you know, there are always going to be those people that treat you different, or even bad sometimes when they find out you are bipolar. But the thing is, I don’t care. The only thing that matters to me know is that my family and I are healthy and happy. Now that I have decided to embrace the “crazy” person I know I am, I can FINALLY live my life. I no longer have to fight who I really am. I don’t have to hate myself for being different, and I know it’s ok to need help. I just hope that if someone is going through this “denial” stage, they can see this and realize it’s ok to be yourself, that God made you how you are for a reason. You don’t have to understand why, just know that you have something inside yourself that help you get through it, whether you believe it or not.
Well, after all that, the point I wanted to make is: for me telling myself I was “crazy” or “sick” helped me realize that I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I have bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, Post traumatic stress disorder, and probably a little obsessive compulsive disorder thrown in 🙂
And that’s ok. You can like me or not, it’s part of me. Now that I know that, I can be happy with who I am, and accept the help that has been offered to me. Thanks again for the emails.

Hi Dave,perhaps these folks have not yet been experienced in the devastating impact on their reality that “crazy” can do. Experience is what you get when you dont get what you want. Myself I have been experienced, I always tell myself you can to it, the harder you fight the harder it is to surrender, I will work again. I am separate from my illness. I have a mental illness I struggle with, I am not crazy, insane, I have an illness. Thanks Dave, Karen