Hi,
I’m going to ask you a question. A hard question, but one you need to ask yourself.
What about YOU?
Have you ever asked yourself that? “What about ME?”
Sometimes bipolar disorder can take over your lives to such a degree that you really can get to the point that you ask yourself that question. If you have, you need to know that it is NORMAL! You’re not alone – many supporters ask themselves that question.
Do you sometimes feel as if you have a child instead of a partner? That’s a normal feeling, too. You may sometimes wonder why you are in the relationship at all if it only means taking care of someone who is ill more times than they are not. And this may be harder on you than you thought it would be.
Maybe the bipolar disorder cast you in a role you have no desire to play, but you see no way
out because there is no one else to do it if you don’t.
Maybe you’re just plain burnt out. That happens sometimes. So what about you? If you don’t take care of yourself first, you won’t be able to take care of your loved one. Remember that.
You may be asking yourself, “What about me and what I want from life?” Well, what about you? What do you want and need?
Now that you have the tools to manage the disorder, it’s time for you to become clear about
the role you want to play in your relationship. You may feel that the bipolar disorder has taken
the choice away from you. This, too, is a normal feeling.
When your loved one is in an episode, you may feel that you HAVE to play the role of the loving
supporter. That you have to hold things together. But you don’t. Everything you do is a choice.
Whether it’s going to the hospital when your loved one is in an episode, helping your loved one take their medication, or putting up with constant mood swings, there is a choice. It may not be an easy choice, or you may feel like you have no choice, but it is all a choice.
If you choose to stay in a relationship where your loved one is often sick (in an episode), it’s important that you at least know who you are and why you do what you do.
Many of the people who write to me who are married to a loved one with bipolar disorder say that if they knew ahead of time what they would be getting into, they wouldn’t have married that person.
Is this you? Do you feel this way? It’s ok if you do, because others do, but not if you let this feeling turn into a resentment against your loved one, or you stuff it and it bubbles up inside you and reflects how you feel about your loved one. You need to deal with it.
If it’s your choice to stay with your loved one, no matter what (and remember, you do have a choice), then feeling like that is something that you just have to get over, as it will get in the way of being a good supporter.
I know, because I am a supporter myself, that sometimes it’s just not good enough to know that you’re not alone in your struggle against bipolar disorder – that you’re not the only one who feels the way you do…that so much is expected of you, especially when your loved one goes into an episode, because even though you’re the one who does all the work, your loved one is probably the one who gets all the attention.
“In sickness and in health” can be hard to take when it seems sometimes that there just isn’t any “health”! Your role gets so complicated sometimes that you wonder who you really are any more: You often have to be a financial planner, a confidant, a therapist, a nurse, a parent, a provider, a supporter, and any number of roles that maybe you didn’t sign on for.
This is a lot to ask of you. And many times it is a thankless job. And, again, if you don’t take care of yourself first, you may burn out from it. Don’t despair if it’s wearing you out. It wears everyone out.
Again, ask yourself the tough questions: What about ME? Who am I? What do I want out of life? How much longer can I continue on like this? Can I continue on like this? Is this all worth it?
Because you need to know the answers.
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
Wow this is exactly how I am feeling. Been dealing with my husband for 32 yrs and daughter who is 27 bipolar trying to raise 3 kids one being 8wks old. I am being treated for depression and anxiety. Tried to make a therapy appt for me can’t be seen till the end of May. Your newsletters help me alot.
yes. it often boils down to: “how much crap am i willing to put up with?” Even while out of episodes, my husband can really dish out the verbal abuse and criticism and negativity. He also falls prey to the persecution complex so I am often the perpetrator of all his suffering. Even though his whole life of being emotionally abused at the hands and mouth of an alcholic mother who died of cirhosis is what really made most of his baggage. I end up being the scapegoat while I am just struggling for a sense of normal life raising four children.
In sickness and in health” can be hard to take when it seems sometimes that there just isn’t any “health”! Your role gets so complicated sometimes that you wonder who you really are any more: You often have to be a financial planner, a confidant, a therapist, a nurse, a parent, a provider, a supporter, and any number of roles that maybe you didn’t sign on for.
This is a lot to ask of you. And many times it is a thankless job. And, again, if you don’t take care of yourself first, you may burn out from it. Don’t despair if it’s wearing you out. It wears everyone out.
Yes, a ‘wearing out’ situation as described in the first paragraph, yet CAN BE done with Love, patience (of a Saint) and kindness AND taking care of yourself as a supporter
However, crossing over into ‘abuse’ is not acceptable behavior regardless if suffering with bipolar disorder or not. Unsure of the percentage of people who suffer with bipolar disorder (or any other mental disorder) are abusive (physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally…. All or some combination of)….. The situation is no longer about supporting a ‘difficult to handle’ illness……. It is clear cut, point blank, black and white, TRUTH we do not want anyone living with abuse. God does NOT want any of his children abused. A supporter is left without choice, along with a severely broken heart … but to distance themselves from harm. The situation becomes not ‘wanting’ to leave a sufferer of bipolar, someone you truly love, but ‘HAVING’ to leave……..( the person who is abusive, not the person who has an illness ) Very heart breaking, very sad. For better or for worse, In sickness or health IS CORRECT to never give up on love with patience and kindness, including the list in the first copied paragraph (financial planner, confidant, therapist, nurse, parent….)—(If in fact you are even ‘allowed’ to follow through with these roles without interruption of every task ON THEIR TERMS AND TIMES—that generally don’t make sense and hinder a simple process or kindness, turning it into a constant ‘teetering’ of an episode) But all of this becomes totally separate when within that list you add ‘PUNCHING BAG’ ( whether physical, mental, spiritual, or emotional ) Again, abuse is unacceptable behavior…… and is completely separate from ‘illness’ yet, seemingly so common to it as well. Someone, along with David, please share your knowledge specifically regarding ‘abuse’ and ‘bipolar disorder’…….. Thank you, I look forward to responses. I have placed comments a few times and never received a response or asked for feed back, but this is a subject that never seems to come up. Maybe it’s because they are two separate issues and it is so obvious we do not want anyone to remain in a situation where they are being abused…… having nothing by itself to do with the batterer suffering with any illness or not. While I am here and typing, God Bless you Mr. David Oliver! You are truly a wonderful person making a difference in the lives a MANY! I, along with many many others appreciate ALL of your steadfast hard work and surely you have changed the paths for many, and possibly saved lives along the way! What an accomplishment! I am so happy you took the hard path of fulfilling an obvious huge purpose of your life, you have a lot to be proud of and all of us who benefit from your honesty, education, and sharing ways are truly blessed! Your Mom is extremely proud of you whether she tells you often or not! She is blessed with you as her son….. And may she count you as her biggest earthly blessing! … As I am sure she does!
i thank god you are their to help sort out the issues people go thru with bi -polar it runs thru families and is devestating to go thru to be supportive and hard to stand your ground and helplessness steps in and you pray for a stronger support be cause you feel like you aren”t even able to help,but you are and you know you get thru the ups and downs and the person you know comes back like nothing is wrong because they are there talking about there eposides to tring to sort it out them selves.
thanks
Yes, yes and yes. All of the above. You feel like your life doesn’t matter, your hopes, dreams and goals do not matter. If you have the unfortunate luck of being a bipolar supporter-your life is doomed. At least that’s what it feels like at this time for me being the mom of a bipolar daughter going on 15 years of support and having my beautiful wolf lawn statues kicked to bits the other day. It was like the last straw. I feel like I’ve done my time and I am done.
I heartily agree…I’m a full time caregiver for my handicapped mother, and have my bipolar 30yr. old son living w me as well. Feeling that I was loosing my mind, I joined a support group sponsored by NAMI, for friends and family of bipolar individuals. It has literally, I think, saved my sanity. But before that, the incredible information that I ordered from you, started me looking at myself, and realizing that if I’m not there for me how can I possibly be there for them…it’s crazy, but we can sure lose sight of that. So thank you again for your helpful, supportive, and so informative blogs, they are much appreciated.
Absolutely agree.
YES YES YES….WHAT ABOUT ME? My father has sent ME to a psychologist as he thinks that I suffer from some disorder because I choose to stay in a relationship with someone who suffers from bipolar. I have been told about all the negatives and I have been told that what I am doing is the same as putting my self in frount of a fast moving train.
And yes, I have been through the lows with him and the highs. The lows are better! And yes I have been heart broken and insulted and shocked and had my life ripped to pieces, BUT I CHOOSE to stay with him because I see him for him and I excuse the mood swings and the crap that goes with them. There are many times when I find myself saying “I dont want this, I want an adult relationship with someone who can be there for me when I need them too.. and there are times when I feel very alone and very unloved by him, yet I stay. People always tell me that I am too pretty and to smart and to good for him, yet I stay.
Is there such a thing as a bipolar supporter dependency? Have I just got so used to all thus stuff that I think its normal, or do people who choose to stay have a disorder themselves. So what about me? I am a full time post grad law student, I have 3 children I am fit and healthy and have a close and loving family,and a “partner” who suffers from bipolar…Yes its hard and yes its unstable and yes I would really like it if I didt have to get so anxious every time he speeds up a little in anticipation of the manic phase which will follow or the low which will make him withdraw, and yes it affects my moods and my life. I have started to hate spring and hate winter and get so anxious around christmas.
No one can say if its worth it or not, I cant controll him only how i react to him. What I would like to know from others is how they cope. Do you get lonely having to not rely on your partner cause you know they wont cope with you being upset or sad or that they will just yell at you.
Boy, that hit the spot! I am struggling and had to step away from 8 years with a very angry un-medicated bipolar man. For obvious reasons as well as to check my own sanity! I have an 11 yr old daughter. Behavior, self control (or lack there of) is hard to explain when its allowed for a 48 yr old and not an 11 yr old. My daughter has learned “HE” can act like that, why cant “SHE”? My job requires continued education of SELF CONTROL, NEGOTIATING TACTICS, DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE….but I’m exhausted and am to the point that I just want to slap him and scream, “GET A GRIP & SNAP OUT OF IT”! I don’t know what it’s like to be him, and that breaks my heart because I don’t know what to do to help him.
But it helps to know I’m not alone. Thanks David for this very special place you have provided.
I would like to comment on ‘momofboys’post. Thank you for summarizing this critical issue. I cannot comment professionally on this, but certainly personally. I have been dealing with and supporting, what I assumed was a biploar sufferer. Slowly the scenarios changed and escalated. They say that non-physical forms of abuse cause the most problems and distress.
Abuse is considered any behaviour or action used with the intent of controlling your partner. A behaviour is abusive if used to: make someone do something they don’t want to; stop them from doing something they don’t want you to; punish or ‘teach the person a lesson’ so in the future the person will do what you want.
Types of abuse: physical, sexual, verbal, emotional/psychological, financial, using intimidation, using coercion and threats, creating isolation, minimizing, denying and blanming, using privilege – entitlement.
Anger is a feeling – NOT a behaviour. Abuse is a behaviour – NOT a feeling.
So, for those dealing with bipolar and think that there may also be an abusive side, consider the above items. Aside from the exhaustion of caring for a bipolar suffered, the are huge impacts to someone who is in an abusive relationship combined with bipolar. The affects are long lasting and have a serious impact on the victim’s ability to lead a happy and fulfilling life.
There is a difference between bipolar episodes(and the unreasonableness/risky behaviour/grandiose ideas/spending/their rules and terms) and abuse. And I truly believe also that God does not want anyone in a situation where abuse is happening. This is not the ‘in sickness’ part, this is the abandonment of a marriage partner with a replacement of an abusive partner. It is heart-breaking to think of separating from someone that you ove and wondering how they will cope because of the bipolar factor.
Thanks to all who comment and to David for his insight and willingness to share.
ADDENDUM:
my appologies – I meant to comment on Shelly’s feedback (however sited momofboys in error).
All of this is so true. I cope with my daughter and brother on these issues. I’ve said all the same things more than once. I never realized how many bipolar people there is and how other people are dealing with the same thing I am.