Hi,
Have you ever given someone a “foot up,” you know, a chance? Like a kid fresh out of school? Or someone who just graduated from college? They’re just asking for a chance. They have the skill and the knowledge, but maybe they just don’t have the experience. But weren’t we all there at one time? Just asking for that first chance?
So what does this have to do with bipolar disorder? I’m not just talking about first chances here.
I’m talking about when they ask you for another chance. It could be a second chance. Or maybe it’s a third chance. Or maybe even a fourth chance! What will you do? That’s the question.
Maybe when you first met your loved one they told you that they had bipolar disorder, but they
asked you to give them a chance. (Obviously you decided to, because you’re with them.)
But time has gone on and maybe they’ve had some episodes. And say that your loved one has made some mistakes. They’ve done some things for which they owe consequences.
They may even have hurt you, and you don’t want to forgive them. It’s hard, I know. When my mom was yelling at me and calling me names and telling me she didn’t even want me to be her son any more, it hurt.
It really hurt. It hurt so bad I almost wanted to hurt her back. But I had to learn to get over it.
How did I do that? I learned to give her a second chance.
But what about all the other things she said and did to me? It seemed like every time I turned around she was asking for another chance. Well, what was I supposed to do?
I had to forgive her for the things she had done that hurt me. I had to forgive her for yelling at me and calling me names. I had to forgive her for not being there for me. I had to forgive her for not being the mother I wanted her to be because of the bipolar disorder.
How did I do that? I learned to separate my mom from her disorder. I loved my mom. But I hated her disorder. And that’s ok. If no one’s told you this yet, let me tell you this now – it’s ok to hate bipolar disorder!
Remember back to when you first met your loved one and gave them that first chance. Then remember back to those times that you’ve had to give them those second chances (and third,
and fourth…).
Think about how you feel when someone gives you a chance. Or a second chance. Forgiveness is a great thing. If it feels good when someone does it for you, wouldn’t it feel good if you did it for your loved one?
What do you think?
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
Thank you for this newsletter, this one was especially impacting. My son has bipolar, and has been in trouble for most of his 18 years. My family and friends think I should just kick him out and let him fend for himself. They don’t understand why I continue to support and help him. I do it, not because he is bipolar, but because he’s my son and I love him. Thank you for your encouragement!
Hi David I just wanted to say separating your mom from her bipolar is the best decision you have made there are many people who have love ones that are bipolar that need to do the desperation of the person from the mental illness they were a person before the mental illness that wad a very good point I must admitt but what people don’t realize with bipolar you will always most likely be be forgiven and always again the person need a second third maybe four chance that was very good it caught my attentio keep up the good work thanks Mary
David, that was said very honestly and so true, I know my son has said and done ALOT of hurtful things to me but I always felt he was not able to control it , and he would most always would ask me to forgive him. Of course I already did and I assure him of that not just because he’s my son but I know its not him. Its the illness! Yes forgiveness not only feels good for them to know but its good for me. Thank you for sharing ,
God bless,
While, every person with Bipolar is unique on their own way, we,supporters have almost everything in common. And this is one of it!
What you said came at the right time because I am having that problem about chances with my Daughter who is adult. I given so many until I have made myself sick. Very sick. What do I do now if I have to say no. You comment are great and I appreciate them. Thanks David
I think your piece on forgiveness is one of the most important pieces of advice you’ve ever given. Thank you from a forgiving and a forgiven (repeatedly in both adjectives) mother.
Ive been diagnosed 10 years ago with bipolar.please keep sending your useful tips david.im currently recovering from a massive suicide.You give hope.