Hi,
I hope you are doing great!
I talked to a bunch of bipolar supporters recently.
We were having a good talk, and I learned a lot of things about the way they were coping with
their loved ones’ bipolar disorder.
But I also noticed that they were making 5 big mistakes.
And I wanted to pass on these 5 big mistakes onto you, to make sure that you’re not making them, too.
1. Doing nothing and hope the
problem fixes itself
Year after year, my dad thought like this.
He always thought that it would work itself out.
He ignored things that were indications that my mom was getting worse and worse – things that he should have noticed, before things got out of control.
He didn’t do anything, because he thought the problem (my mom’s “condition,” or the bipolar disorder) would fix itself.
He honestly thought mom would get better without him having to do anything about it.
That has got to be the number one mistake.
That’s like ignoring the elephant in the living room.
Bipolar disorder is NOT going to go away by itself.
You HAVE to do something about it in order for your loved one to get better.
2. Reacting instead of being proactive
My dad always let bipolar disorder run the show so to speak.
He never knew what to do, because he didn’t know enough about the disorder to help my mom.
Now, because I have taught them, my mom is in charge of her bipolar disorder, instead of IT being in charge of HER.
That’s why I teach in my courses/systems below that having knowledge of bipolar disorder is one of the most important things you have to do:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
If you don’t have KNOWLEDGE of bipolar disorder, how can you fight it?
If you don’t realize what you’re up against, you will be reactive instead of proactive, just like my dad was.
He just plain didn’t know what to do, so my mom got out of control.
Then when she went into the worst episode of her life, he had to react to the situation and take drastic measures and put her in the hospital.
I’m not just picking on my father here, I see other supporters making the same mistake.
You need to learn as much as you can about the disorder and about your loved one’s symptoms,
so that you can be proactive, and head off an episode before it becomes full-blown.
3. Not realizing how serious bipolar disorder
can be.
Just like I was just saying about having to put my mom in the hospital, my dad didn’t realize
how serious bipolar disorder can be.
If he had realized it was something that could actually make my mom that out of control, I think he would have taken it more serious much earlier than he did.
Bipolar disorder is a very serious disorder.
It can destroy families. It can destroy lives.
And supporters need to realize how devastating an illness bipolar disorder can be, and how dangerous it can be for their loved one.
Some supporters don’t take it serious enough, until they’re sitting in a hospital waiting room,
like my dad.
4. Trying to change your loved one, looking
for a quick fix
Many supporters are looking for a quick fix.
I don’t blame them. Many of us do, when we’re faced with a difficult situation.
But you have to understand that you can’t change your loved one – they can only change themselves.
Getting stable takes time – it will NOT happen overnight.
It will take patience on your part as a supporter to wait for your loved one’s treatment (medication and therapy) to work.
There is no quick fix to recovery from bipolar disorder.
5. Not realizing your loved one can be “normal”,
stable and successful
Yet, along the same lines, some supporters give up too soon.
They think that their loved one will never get stable, and this is just as big a mistake.
NEVER give up hope on your loved one.
With your help and support (and a lot of work on your loved one’s part), there is ALWAYS hope
for stability and recovery from bipolar disorder for your loved one.
Just like I said before, it won’t happen overnight, it will take time, and there will be set-backs and probably more episodes before it happens, but your loved one CAN become stable, normal,”
and successful.
My mom did it!
Have you noticed yourself making any of these 5 big mistakes?
How do you see them happening in your life?
Post responses below
My husband has no idea that he has a mental illness. The dr put him on Lexapro for a recent anxiety attack. It brought him out of theanxiety and depression he was experiencing,but he has now entered into a period of outrageous behavior. I am embarrassed to go out in public with him,as he HAS to attract attention to himself,by acting loud and obnoxious.He is 65 years old! He flirts terribly with every woman he encounters and demands special treatment all the time. I cannot bring any of this to his attention,as he becomes extremely defensive,and tells me that I’m crazy,and that I’M the problem! I tried calling his dr to discuss putting him on a mood stabilizer,but his Dr will not return my calls. Any advice you can give me will be greatly appreciated
Dear David – I am using your program for ove 8 months now. I medical doctor and Psychologist with years of expirience in all psychoatric disorder, howevervO am not Psychiatrist a lot of my patients are receiving care and help from me rrgarding their emotional problems, mental imbalace etc ( for 20 years) . Even all this I have realy big problem to help my close friend who was doagnosed with bipolar 15 years ago. He stpped to seevany doctors over 1 year ago, completly stpped to take medications which I prescribed – he was taking only for few weeks in November 2008 and as soon as he feel better, I have him bgood job as office manager( under my supervision ) all marketing work, assistance andchelp to develope additionaly antiaging medicine practice in my office, asvhe was realu good in rthis area – he decided he dosnt need ” this toxic medications any more as he is healthy now in full balance. Hr started to spend money around ( lost all money he received from work plus he asked me to cosign his personal loan 65000$ to start new life and payboff all debts- what i did on November 2008 trusting him and hoping it jelps him overcome all stresses – ot wad my worst mistake I did. He immoediatly start to fight, became verybrude, agressive, not trspiaible for all work he started, accusing me for ” hostile work environment” he left suddenly work płace ( my clinic) with all work not finished, with a lot of expenses he made in last days of his work when he didnt consulted with me any decisions. He left to other state , didnt listen to me completly accusing mevtjay I tried ti kill him and his mother (who is bipolar and hevlives with her taking care of her) he never pair even onecpayment of his loan I cosign , i have to pay almost 3000$ a month in his name since November 2008
To save my credit history. He never said thanks or sorry, bkaming me for everything bad happened ti him; that he has np job, no income, that he lost all this money in few weeks and is in severe debts again behind all payments for 8 months, his car sąd repossed , he is not taking any meds, he used somevtherapist in Indiana who told humvthat his condotin dosnt require any medicine!!! He states that he is close with God whom he taks constatly and aks for all advices and acting terrible pe : he put order of protection against me – that I am stacking him, harassing by calls and emaila, trying poison him and hiis mom , that i want to seperate him from normal people to put him in psychiatric ward( what is nothing truth) i tried so gard to cincienve him to get some proper care and help what makes him very angry and agressive, after 2 months judge vacated this avnormal order of protection. Si he went with his mother to Mefical Board reporting me for prescribing medication for him and other not true accusituons. They are doing investigation now, I had few hearings, have próve what i never did as he states- its one big hell what he did from my life only because Ibhad a lot of compassion for him and tried to help him and his mother ( I offered myvplace to live for them temporarly – si he accused me that I tried to poison and kill them both and he os taking his mother to each płace whenbhe makes reports against me) she is mentalyvretarded, bipolar and she is doing whatever he aska her to do – generaly not good person at all as she allowed for sexual abuse hinbas 6 years old by her boyfriend andchis brother for 8 years not reacting to his cry, fear abd complains about this horroble abuse. Just now hexstarted tobthreten me that if i dont give him money he lost not working since December ( as he states its my fault that he cannt work as I am abusive for staff – whatbis notvtruth of course) he will taks other action against me putting me to the court, reporting me to Human Rights Depart( what he did few days ago as he told me recently. Its terible situatin for me he destroy mybpersonal and professional life, defame my character, destroying my health – i lander in hospital 3 times recently due to severe bledding from peptic ulcers requiring blood transfusion- all related to severe sttess, meantime I lost suddenly my only brother, my mother 1 year earlier – he jad no compassion completly. Its difficult imagine.. Imam stullbpaying his loan, paying lawyers, losing time and energy, unable to work as before. What can i di in situation like this if i still dont want ti harm him as its all bipolar not real he.. Advice mw please whoever can , i never had exportownce in such avnormal unfair areas , its killing me slowly.. If i tried to send him your programm, bougjt dome and sent him – he became like crazy doing more damage toyblifr only as he states that all zctiins he takes is God advice and he is healthy and i need bipolar therapy. Thanks. Michael S. Md who can help me for help I offered to him without sny my personal interest, as I am this type of person who likws help and care as muchvas its needed..
Great Post!! – I wish I had this info years ago. Yes, I am one that at first did nothing. Then when I figured out that I needed to do something – I didn’t know what. I ultimately discovered (and this took years to figure out) my loved one’s depression and mania always originated from altering/eliminating the dosage of her meds w/o the pdoc’s knowledge. This is and always was disasterous. My question is, how do you support a bipolar spouse who (in my eyes) is the one ultimately responsible for taking their meds (correctly)? I csn’t do this – that is another way of shedding her of responsiblity and in turn enforcing me as an enabler? This simple fact is currently having a profound effect on my marriage. What is one to do??
– peace
G
Very interesting article, but I would like to hear more on the person that has bipolar. Is there a program that the insurance will cover that will help you cope with bipolar? I don’t like to take the medicine because I gain weight. I am already heavy to begin with. I haven’t found a good doctor to go to talk to that the insurance will pay for. A stay home mom looking for help without costing the family money on her. Please shed some light on this Dave. Thanks
Dear Dave , I made all of those mistakes time and time again:its a very hard and sometimes bleak road a supporter walks down as well.
Here’s the thing: a supporter has to learn( the hard way, usually) about how to be a great supporter:
I did nothing for 2 years I actively enabled my daughter by excusing her outbursts of bad and oftimes reckless behaviour, by getting her the booze by giving her money ( for drugs)by agreeing with every weird idea she had.I believed it would all get better soon.
When my daughter went into the worst episode in her life – it forced me to act for the very first time to save her life and I signed the papers to have her hospitalized.
At this point I realised that everything I had done( to help my daughter) didn’t help it made matters worse. then I started reading your emails Dave.
Changing my behaviour towards my daughter was soooooo hard.Some of the ways we deal with our children get hardwired into our brains over the years.
There were 3 life changing emails you sent, the first email was about BP sufferers having to want to change and it wasn’t going to be a 2 minute quick fix
(as a parent I wanted to do all that changing for my daughter I couldn’t bear the thought of her suffering so bad)
The email that talked about BP as a serious illness and is a killer!!!! and to take the message seriously
(I thought that my daughter would never do such a thing as that kill herself – she was a very bright young med student and sensible) I had to accept my daughter had BP.
The third email was about having faith that BP sufferers do stabilize but they have to do the hard yards but hey do recover and go on to be highly productive members of the community.
( When my daughter went into her major episode I honestly didn’t think she would come out of it for the rest of her life – at first)
Then I read that email and it was a light going off in my head. And even when others said she would never recover (Rachel had been in the hospital now for almost a year) I set about searching in myself for my own faith and conviction – I started believing Rachel would stabilize she would win this fight)the one thing I figured out was that for years I had subconciously believed my daughter was quite weak ( fragile ) and without gumption – what a terrble burden to put on one’s child.
there are 2 things I have actively pursued as a result of my daughters illness
1) Sought to change my mindset about mental illness especially BP and to educate mydself on BP
2)Change the way I support my daughter from an enabler to a supporter
Thank you Dave
Regards
Shona
YOOO……
Am fab dave….. theres just somethings you carnt egnore….
Take Care Linda x
You could call me a “success story.” I’m one of the “lucky ones.” I have been diagnosed as bipolar since 1968 (when it was the “umbrella diagnosis” of schizophrenia). I had two hospitalizations after that, but none since 1977. The “proper” diagnosis of bipolar came in 2000, and I was put on different meds.
Even when I was on “life support” for acute pancreatitis, they gave me my psychotropic meds! That’s not to say I don’t have the occasional bout of anxiety or panic attacks. But – there are meds for those, too.
One of the special things about Dave’s Supporter’s blog is that I have learned that there are others out there who experience the same things that I do. Of course, in the hospital – where I was the “sickest” on the ward – you don’t realize that other patients have gone though the same delusions and paranoia that you have. This produces a “community” feeling between patients, that you’re NOT alone with this terrible disorder. As Dave reiterates, “Knowledge is Power,” and I believe it. The MORE you know about bipolar, the easier it is to become “stable.” Working with your pDoc and therapist is the cornerstone of recovery…
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.
Dear Dave, I live with a man whose son is bipolar. He was diagnosed 6 years ago. He is 35 years old. Has lost his wife and two children over this. I receive your emails to help Don understand what his son is going thru. His ex-wife has not accepted her sons illness. She wants to blame the wife, the place he lives and anything that she can blame. It’s very sad, no one wants to be honest, nor talk bout BP. I feel this guy will never get well do to the conflict within his family. How do you help the supporters understand the seriousness of this illness. It’s so hard when the family pretends to know what they are doing, but in my opinion are only making matters worse. He just checked into a hospital mental facilily @ a local hospital and his mother went to visit today. She seems to think that he is just depressed. And will get over this soon. She hasn’t seen the mania side. Both of them a year ago co-signed for their son on different loans. Now she can’t repay and thinks we should be helping her, I say we refuse, and let her get the full gist of what is to come..She has mental issues herself. Are we fighting a losing battle. It seems to me to be a tug-of war over who their son will not hate n the end. I say let’s not let the end be to soon for any of them.
My sister 41, is really ill. she has been diagnosed bi-polar but refuses to get medical help. I love her but I can’t let her treat me so disrespectfully. So I am trusting God to work in her life. When she is ready to go for help. I am in the house right next to her and I will take her.
This is very true. I was thinking along those lines when my younger brother called me. He told me that one of the guys that works in the store next door was found dead. He had bipolar and was a friend of his. I knew from talking to the guy and my brother that he was not stable. He took his medicine some times, but not enough to make a difference AND was mixing them with street drugs. It was that combination that killed him. While bipolar is a very serious illness, I know that it can be managed with medication and life style.
I have bipolar and am blessedly stable most of the time. But I take my medicine EVERY DAY as prescribed. I see my doctor as I am supposed to. I have a case manager that I stay in close contact with. And I am greatly blessed with lots of people that love and support me.
I don’t know if this was the case with the guy my brother knew, but it saddens me that he was so out of touch with things that he has passed away.
OK… Dave, I want to thank you very much for your link that led me to subscribe to your newsletter. It has been very helpful, encouraging and very supportive for me. The relationship with my partner has had plenty of mood swings and lots of mind changing. Throughout our relationship he’s been: Yes, I am really happy here,this is what I love and then he goes to I don’t want the relationship anymore, I don’t want to be accountable or be responsible for them.. ok.. with the marriage we were going to get married, then he didn’t want to.. etc. OK, for 5 years I did not think twice about Bipolar. He actually told me near the beginning of our relationship and I just ‘ohed’ it and moved on.. I didn’t know what it was and did not think twice about it since until like I said last year. After his mom died, he started leaving, he would go to friends’ houses and spend the night and then he decided to move out so he packed up and took off out of state. He came home after maybe 2-3 weeks. He is not on any medication. He takes vitamins, which I just noticed he’s forgotten a couple days and he’s now on a down side. We’ve seen a couple counselors. He used to see one when we met, then stopped. We saw one together and she told him that if he felt like going he should go(a couple months after he went out of state to a friends place). The one we are seeing now does not believe he is bipolar but has deep issues and has actually done a lot of work with him. He is much more stable, although, he is now in a place similar to that of before, where he wants to be by himself. I’ve talked to mental health counselors about our situation and I’ve looked up what I could. He’s become more stable, however, he goes into these really depressed episodes and I really worry about him. Our relationship has changed in that we not as intimate as we were. We are becoming better friends. I’ve had issues and I had a reaction a couple months ago and I feel like I triggered something so deep he’s now shut me out to a certain degree. He tells me he loves me, he’s told me he’s in a funny place and that’s where he’s at, and I thanked him for telling me. I feel like we rebounding on something that happened a couple months ago. We love each other very much. He recently said he’s spent the relationship trying to make it work and he doesn’t want to anymore. I truly believe we are soul mates, as we do have a very profound connection. Soon, he will have access to do whatever he wants, travel, move, etc. as he will be receiving an inheritance, so he’s feeling like he wants to fly.. we’ve been together 6 yrs. We are meshed and he has a very close relationship to my children. Dave, I pray continously and when I read your newsletters I jump for joy because I absolutely do not want to give up. There are times I just don’t know though. He’s happy with us and then he’s not, he’s wanted to get married and then he doesn’t, he believes he will succeed with employment, then he doesn’t and becomes depressed. He has mood swings, but I wouldn’t call them extreme. I hope I’ve made sense but does any of this sound like bipolar or personality disorder something.. The mental health counselor I spoke with, Bless her heart,I have never met her, but I found her number and she listened to me and was very supportive, she thought he had bipolar. I’m not a educated in that field, but I am learning and from what I’ve read, it sounds like he has some symtoms, but not all or as intense. I would like to read your thoughts on this please. Also, I ask for prayers for us, please. Thanks for taking the time to read this as I know it’s lengthy. Blessings to you and your families.
Dear Dave – I would like to add few words to my previouss comments sent earlier. I am medical doctor board certified in internal medicine, family medicine, antiaging medicine and Bariatrics, certified psychologist ( not practicing ) . Have a lot of expireience and lot of psychiatric patients as I know them for many years and all their personal problems why they prefer if I take care of their problems. Generaly I have very good results even with bipolar patients as I spend a lot of time with each one( at least 30. – 60 minutes each time when I see them , and follow up tj ok very regular basis trying to understand all their problems very troughfuly woth a loy of understanding, patirnce, sensitivity with ppen hesrt for them . I don’t control time I spend with them ad each patient has differnt individual needs and cannt be treated same , additionaly I tried to talk to family members or all close who take care of patient instructing them , explaining carefuly all aspects of BD. It’s so important as a lot of people including doctors ( sorry) don’t understant what it is and what careful management and special care with such understanding and patience is necessary, your programm is so valuable that I didn’t meet anything even close . Theory is not enough, most of people have even no ideas what to do and usually helping not properly or not doing anything make only patient’s condition worse and progressing with terrible symptoms and effect which destoy air of families and relationship, each doctor who is following this patients should be special sensitive to some issues and never treat patients complains superficialy as it a realy deadly disease. I wrote about complications in my professional and personal life done by my friend whom I tried so hard to save from destruction and disease progression. It’s first time I am lost, hopeless , upset, disappointed .. I made mistakes to trust him too much Bering too good for him and helping immiediatly in each difficult situation he found himself. Additionaly I didn’t know all truth about his so harmful past , family relations ( mother and 2 sisters are bipolar, mother is manipulating him as she never worked and even didn’t know how to count money so she us afraid to lose his care and doant care about his personal life( she us 62y old, he us 42, with few broken relationships . His mother spend with him 24/7 , expecting him to take dull care including preparing meals, organizing medical care etc. She likes him to go to bars, night clubs singing and spending time with people who are there. It makes his condition worse. His 3 sisters don’t care completly, when I called one of them she explained that they know that he us schzophrenic but he ischit child so I should leave him alone as doctor as long as he deceides to return to medications or they will put him to hospital if it will be worse- simple plan , as it happened few times before. I had a lotbif compassion to him because situation he has mostly that he is very talented and smart when not in episode. He remodeled all my clinic, home office, start marketing, was very good in managing my office – but as I explained earlier he left all work nitcfinushed suddenly leaving office losing all money he got from work( 6000$ monthly) plus personal loan 65000$ I cisigned and have to pay fir him now. Mwantrine he did such harm to my health, personal and professional life that I am almost broken .( court, order of protection, reports to Medical Board, to Hyman Rights Dep – he is threatening me additionaly with Labor Department , court again . In sytuation when American law is unpredictable unfair in situation like this- they are taking all reports seriously and starting investigations, hearings treating me realy as criminals inbfeont of paruevts, staff, family, friends. They fintvecwn listen about hisvbipilar history, most if unvestigatirs and lawyers have go idea about this disease , same as some doctors- why it makes situation very harmful. Everybody advices to leave him alone with all this problems what in his specific situation may bring tragedy I’d more seriouss conseqences. He usvin severe manic episode now and he went to other state ( Las Vegas) to start work as massour puttingvads in Internet – but I think that it’s even not legal as it’s for gay men only and some erotic massage like escorting??? His ads are on few sites . This time he went there alone without mother so it’s even more dangerous situation . He us notifying me about this calling almost every day even when I am with patient. I tried not pick up phone what makes him very angry and agressice. As I see be has go respect to me as person and doctor, behaving very rude, unkind, cursing, using worst possible names , yelling , threatining, . Why I ask for any advice because profesiinals I asked don’t know what to do and reporting him to police didn’t resolve anything mostly that he us using blocked calls and I don’t know which hotel be is, however his ads are still on few pages . I am scarry howvge is able to goveo clients to hotels doing some ? Massage ? In such manic condition. I am sorry for a lot texnixal mistakes but I use I- phone and it’s very sensitive xhanging letters sometimes. If I can any advice I will be aporwciate. I wrote to show to other how complicated and dangerous is BD mostly when not treated properly – even foevprofrssiomals as me. Your progan is amazing ? It’s great help for all involved in BD , each doctor should read, each therapist..you don’t imaginebhow little kbowlege is about this. How suprdicialy this specific patients are treated.. How many people dintvunderatant basic issues related to bipolar what is so important. If it’s matter kbowlege we can prevent against so many tragic and harmful consequences for patients , caregivers, friends and other. I like to thank you officialy for all help you offer and way it’s done. I
Am sure God will bless you now and forever. Wish you best only
With full respect – sincerely. Dr Michael S. H
SOPHIA, you and I are kindred spirits, as we are having very similar experiences with our “moody men.” Do you find it impossible to plan ahead for anything? I always have to take every day as it comes. My boyfriend has bipolar 1, it looks like yours has a milder version of the illness. Has he been diagnosed by a doctor or are some health professionals just assuming? He certainly seems to be showing some of the common symptoms. My boyfriend went through a very bad manic episode just over a year ago, spending 6 weeks in the psych ward. To bring him back down to earth he was prescribed Zyprexa, which made him put on a lot of weight and having longer depressive episodes. He likes his own space and we don’t live together but not far from each other. We have always helped and supported and genuinely loved each other. He has been very depressed for 2 months now. Only last week I found out that over the last few weeks he has been cheating on me with an ex-girlfriend, who has always caused nothing but trouble in his life. All this has happened before. Although I’m heartbroken right now I have a lot of hope that he will “wake up” as he did before and come back to me. I am very concerned for his well-being. If he was happy with her I would leave him be. But she is manipulating him deeper into depression. She has not been diagnosed with anything herself but is showing several symptoms of hystrionic disorder. If your man would agree to see a good psychiatrist who can assess him and prescribe the right meds for him, it could help both of you very well. As Dave always says, it can’t be done over night, it’ll take time.
Is there anyone out there? I could use some positive comments.. he just called and he’s staying with a friend and he’s been drinking and he made some joke about having to go because the hookers were almost there……I know he’s just joking but damn, sometimes I have a hard time with stuff like that. Do I sound selfish?
Hi Dave,
My name is Lee,and i just wanted to say,that i find your e-mails very informative and helpfull,through your articals,I understand my disorder and myself alot better.{and how to manage it better}.Im gratefull to you for your continued dedication to help us all get back on track,and hopefully stay there!
thanx again:lee.
ok, i’ve got more.. the first few years of our relationship i think i was more assertive about how i felt about different things, i called him on stuff more, well since his mom died, he was devastated and he went to a place i didn’t know what to do, he was nasty to me and was actually very intense and extreme. i became very worried because he also became very depressed and thought i would hang in there until he came out of it, well… i love him so very much, i can’t imagine us not being together.. but ultimatly if he really has to go, i can’t stop him, he will go… well since then, i’ve become passive. since our intimacy has become mild, i’ve tried to focus on our friendship which is good and i remember saying before i felt he wasn’t a friend to me because whenever i would go into a mood he would trip on it, so i’ve stopped my bad moods and been praying continously become very forgiving. some of my thoughts are perhaps he wanting me to be more assertive again, give him things to do, tell him what to do, give him direction, because… he said yesterday, he doesn’t what he wants.. he’ll go into a mood because he thinks about leaving and he feels really bad about it. i’ve stopped reacting and become more proactive, however, i’m not 100% there yet, like now and i’m trying to talk to someone for some encouragement. in the end, i know we’ll be ok, but it seems so hairy sometimes, and that’s me reacting instead of keeping my chin up and smiling.. i need to appreciate that i am happy he’s at home instead of being out of the house, and this stuff is his way of having swings at home instead of not, at least i’ll be talking to him tomorrow and seeing him when i get home from work and he will hold my hand,give me a kiss and tell me he loves me : )
thanks for letting me post this, i’m feeling a reaction and being able to at least write it out where i can get some feedback helps hear what i’m actually saying and i feel better as i reassure myself by sorting my thoughts. we’ll be fine : ) i guess i felt a bump..
Thank you so much for your response Nightlady!! yes, he told me that he had been diagnosed more than once. when we first began seeing each other, he was seeing a counselor and that went away. we both went to see a counselor after his mom died a couple years ago and she saw us together and then individually. i called her after a few months of not seeing her and asked if she at any point thought he might have bipolar and she said yes! she thought he probably was………. thanks lady. he has been and still is but not as intense, up and down. he’s very honest and sincere, in fact, i used to get defensive about stuff he’d say which sometimes i had to pull out of him because he would be in a bad mood because he was irritated by something i did and he didn’t know how to tell me and i can tell when he has something on his mind, i can sense him and his thoughts/emotions from elsewhere. the counselor we’re seeing now, we started seeing together and now it’s individual. she’s a christian and believes in spirit and prayer, she’s counseled for 20 years, she marries people, etc. she believes we have a very special bond, and that we are soul mates, which i wholeheartedly agree with. anyhow, at first anyways, she did NOT think he was bipolar. however, she has begun to see how he fluctuates and indecisive his mood swings are. she has worked with him on some very deep deep issues and he has definitely made a lot of progress, although, a couple months ago something in him gave and he’s closed me off. he was doing really well and was really happy, but i was immersed in an issue myself and was in a bad mood and for the first time i had a strong reaction and boom! here we are.. before he left out of state, which was a year ago next month, i asked him about seeing a doctor and we are financially strapped so we couldn’t. i tried the local county mental health and that is a waste of breath. they never returned my calls, the one person i spoke with was appalled. that didn’t help. i’m going to bring it up again soon. but it should be with someone who’s educated in this area. i’m starting to wonder if i’ve become an enabler. he’s not worked for almost a couple years. he received an inheritance and spent it all. he feels horrified he spent it all and feels like i used him by allowing him to spend it on us. i did quit my job and he supported us for a few months. but for the most part i’ve held my end up for the majority of the time but he reaally took it hard. i did offer a couple times and he even went with me to see my financial advisor to help do something with the money. he even talked of investing some into the kids… he has a certain degree of immaturity which considering his deep issues he must also be having a delayed psychological growth. Sometimes we are experiencing night and day in the same half hour. thanks so much for writing NightLady : )
NightLady,
You are in my prayers. I will pray for his ‘wake up’ to the realization of what a wonderful woman you are and there is none other like you. You are a very special person and he is blessed having you in his life : )
Abundant blessings to you NightLady.
Sophia, you are not selfish at all. Keep strong and get a support base for yourself. You can not go through this alone. It is terrible what you are going through, I have been through it all before and can relate, even down to those type of phonecalls which seem like a joke to them. But if the relationship is worthwhile saving then stick to it and read all of Dave’s advise. He is right about everything – the only thing that is really difficult is the patience. It took my husband over 15 years to get the right treatment and take responsibility. He was never in denial that he had bipolar, but was in denial that he could not control it himself. Dave your posts are brilliant, however what does one do when the sufferer is in such denial?
I AM STRUGGLING, ITS LIKE A ROLLERCOASTER BEEN WITH HIM FOR 3 YEARS, HE IS LIKE THESE WHEN HE IS AROUND KIDS HE IS 40 AND THEY ARE 20PLUS.
Thank you NMC. Sometimes I forget or I just don’t know about the bipolar thing and I think that he’s just selfish. So when I am able to reflect on the bipolar aspect, it is helpful for me to understand that he is behaving beyond the norm. That he is behaving the way he does because he is bipolar and when I realize this, I absolutely do not want to give up and I am able to change my emotional course. Dave’s newsletters are wonderful. I go to my computer for some uplifting words and there they are, so yes, I’m hanging in there.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I do not have a support group of my own. I spoke with a lady on the phone a couple times and I called someone else I didn’t know, a counselor and spoke with her for a bit. I never thought I would be writing this post.
excellent site! I posted a similar article showing quotes from bipolar ppl I spoke with. I’m a grad student working on developing a blog dedicated to supporting those who support bipolar loved ones. This is great~
Paul Bright
Well Paul, I’ll keep watch for it. Being able to post on this site and communicate with other persons that can relate or offer insightful words is so meaningful. There are times, my stomach is just wrenched and my mind is jumping all over me telling me this and telling me that… so this is wonderful, I can’t thank you enough Dave : )
Well Paul, I’ll be watching for it, because we definitely need it. I am so thankful to be able write and say what I’m feeling. It makes a big difference having support that is familiar and can relate with bipolar situations and relationships. As I mentioned in an earlier post, when I see the bipolar aspects of a situation, I am able to understand my own behaviour and adjust my relativity and pretty much when I do that, it carries a significant element of allowance for him that changes the tension, therefore, being able to come down – both of us : )
Thanks such a bunch!