Hi,
I have a super important thing to tell you about concerning
bipolar disorder and episodes. It’s a big warning. I am
serious and not kidding.
BUT, hey before I get started. Thank you everyone who pointed
out the errors on my applications for people I am looking
to hire for paid positions with this organization. Also,
the deadline for getting in your application has been
extended by 3 weeks.
Also really quick. I got a zillion phone calls (okay
not that many and yes I know a zillion is not a real
number), saying our shoppingcart for our bipolar disorder
courses was not working. The problem was fixed last night.
Thank you everyone who reported it to me.
Okay, to the main bipolar disorder lesson.
This week we have been talking about bipolar disorder and
episodes that people with bipolar disorder have.
I wanted to add probably two more things to this series
of emails. I will be sending them over the next couple
of days. BUT I might think of something else so it
make run a few more days.
Okay, we talked about what Bipolar episodes are,
ways to prevent them, what the consequences of
bipolar episodes are on the person with bipolar disorder
and family members but there’s some other important stuff.
One of the biggest mistakes supporters can make when
dealing with a loved one’s bipolar disorder is trying
to argue with or figure out why a person in an episode
with bipolar disorder is doing and saying certain things.
THIS IS A HUGE MISTAKE THAT I’VE MADE
What do I mean about this? First, let me remind
you that bipolar disorder is a MOOD DISORDER and mental
illness. So when a person with bipolar disorder, is NOT
stability he or she can say and do things they normally
would not do.
The Churching going older woman who never swears, curses
or drinks….COULD scream, yell and curse like no one else
The good wife who is normally loving…COULD cheat on her spouse,
scream, yell and hurl curses like she has never done
The good father that always provided for his family…COULD
stop working, demand a divorce, leave the house and vanish.
The person who just got married to someone with bipolar
disorder and everything was going 100% great…COULD find
him/herselves the target of massive abuse with statements
like, “You’re out to get me”; “You don’t love me”; “I
never loved you”; “I hate you’; “You hate me”; “I need
space”; “I want a divorce”; “I am not attracted to you”
etc.
NOTE-I have no idea how to separate all those statements
in a sentence, I probably will get 15 people email me
I should use semi colons, or I should but I did it wrong
and where in the world did I go to school :). Hey it’s
the info you want right? Okay back to the lesson…
The reason that people COULD find these things happening
is because bipolar disorder is a mood disorder and a mental
illness (hey isn’t he repeating himself?). So this means
if a person is not stable is not going through the
right treatment he/she can do and say stuff normally
not said.
Here’s where the supporter causes huge problems for
him/herself. If you are a supporter and you sit and
try to figure out why are these things being said
to you and what you did to deserve them, you will…
well before I get to that read on….
If you spend hours trying to figure out why stuff is said…
If you spend hours trying to figure out what you could have
done so things weren’t said….
If you try to bend and change to accommodate your loved one
during these bipolar disorder episodes…
If you spend time talking to others about why these
things are said to you and how you can be a better person
so that your loved one with bipolar disorder stops
saying these things….
You know what will happen???? Scroll down for the answer
but first take a GUESS. Don’t cheat.
SCROLL What’s your guess??
KEEP SCROLLING
YOU’ll GO INSANE! You will drive yourself
totally out of your mind. If you are trying
to do any of these strategies to help your loved
one, you are totally on the wrong track. If would
be like if you are in Texas in the United States
and you want to get to Canada which is north of the
United States and you started WALKING south. You
wouldn’t get to Canada. You would walk into the
ocean and get wet :).
So many people do these things and it leads to
the supporters having a melt down themselves.
A melt down caused from a loved one’s bipolar
disorder and following a strategy that is not
right.
You start spending time on the wrong things
and then you don’t have time to spend on the
right things.
How do I know???? Because I did this. And so
did all the other supporters I know. We all did
it and we all have concluded this is the wrong thing
to do.
When a loved one has bipolar disorder and is in
an episode, you don’t want to argue with him/her,
you don’t want to understand why they are saying
what they are saying. You need to get them
into treatment ASAP.
All energy must be focused on getting a loved
one with bipolar disorder who is in an episode
into treatment NOT focusing on what I talked
about.
Back in the day, I would spend 5 to 8 hours a
day arguing with my mom or trying to explain
to her what she was thinking was not right.
It was a huge, gigantic, monumental waste
of time and energy. I thought that I was
going to have a stroke. I am not kidding.
The stress of trying to talk to someone
not in their right mind and reason with her
was destroying me.
You may need to read this email several times.
All this material is covered in my SUPPORTER
COURSES.
Anyway, if you need help in this area, check out
my courses. NOTE-If you don’t need help or
don’t want my courses, just don’t look at
them. I don’t want anyone to think I am pushing
stuff on them. I am just making my resources
available to you. If you are all set and have
all the plans and strategies you need, then
you don’t have to check them out.
But, how to get a loved one into treatment, how
to find a good doctor, how to deal with loved one’s
mood swings is in my supporter courses.
SUPPORTING AN ADULT?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER? SALE on this course ends TODAY.
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
Your Friend,
Dave
P.S. Check out my F.ree blog with copies of emails
that I have sent in the past and lots of great
information for you:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/supporterblog/
P.P.S Check out my F.ree podcast. Hear me give
mini seminars designed to teach you information
you can’t learn anywhere else.
http://bipolarcentral.libsyn.com
The person who just got married to someone with bipolar
disorder and everything was going 100% great…COULD find
him/herselves the target of massive abuse with statements
like, “You’re out to get me”; “You don’t love me”; “I
never loved you”; “I hate you’; “You hate me”; “I need
space”; “I want a divorce”; “I am not attracted to you”
etc.
Wow, have you been at my house. I didn’t realize it at the time, but this was an episode. I wish I would have known it would have saved me from moving out 5 times, and a lot of heartache.
I appreciate all the advice and help. It does take time to assimilate, but that is certainly worth doing!
Thank u david 4 this last email..the information within was invaluable to me…
Being degraded without remorse is the most painful thing of all…but i now know that the things he says with his mouth are not the things inside his heart!!
You have been nailing things on the head. I have a sister, spouse and daughter with the disorder. I see signs of a grandson as well. My income is that of an age unemployable dependent before I learned (in the last 5 yrs) that I wasn’t crazy. At the insistance of my daughter saying I needed help and that I was crazy I sought counseling. I learned that I was not anything but normal. After moving at the insistance of my spouse and much pain and illness I have found a neurologist/physchichiatrist sp? that is helping me work a lot of things out. I still do not feel that I can confront the situation and am adapting to things and protecting myself at the same time.
I do enjoy/appreciate your emails very much. Thank you.
This really hit home for me. I have taken my son Michael to three different drs. and he was only depressed. I knew as well as all the family more was wrong. Reading your article opened my eyes to reality. Now I know that I can move forward with my son and help him in whatever way I can but in a positive way. Thank you again.
My close friend and colleague has bipolar disorder and in the last few months the stress of work and family has really pushed her to the edge. Since I am the only who works so closely to her, I take alot of her mood swings and outbursts. I have tried attending support group meetings to understand bipolar disorder and to look out for the trigger signs. It has been a life altering experience for me because now I’m depressed and often sad. Like Dave saids, it has totally overwhelmed me. In the beginning I was the best, trust worthy friend now I’m the worst friend she could ever have. She does take her meds and checks into the hospital when she gets bad but so often she’s left so much damage from her manic episodes that’s impossible to clean up. Our professional relationship has taken a strain on our friendship and I’m about to toss in the towel. I don’t know what to do because I’m drowning and I’ve never felt so depressed.
ok… the info is always helpful Dave. But, can we perhaps stress that your general practitioner, internist, the doc you go to for flu is probably NOT the right one to be dispensing meds for bipolar. It’s essential the doc understand they need to prescribe BOTH for the mani and probably something different for the depression. A PSYCHIATRIST is really an essential part of the team. Maybe there is no psychiatrist where you live. It is SO worht traveling for most internists are playing hunt and peak rather than a specific game plan.
Marriage and Bipolar is the mosr delicate equation.
I was diagnosed bipolar a year after being married. I had my mood swings during this period but could never figure out why it was happening.
Then the major episode happened-wont go into the details but was triggered by my husband. Obviously what followed scared the living daylights out of him 🙂
I was aggresive, abusive….everything ( felt i was a goddess -Durga in hinduism is the called “shakti” or power )
Everyone around panicked and i was hospitalized for around 10 days. Got back to normal, but returned with my parents.
The point I’m trying to make here is that my ex-husband despite being an intelligent journalist did not bother to read up about the condition, just continued to aggravate my situation long distance.
And before i could recover (though i havent completely recovered so far) filed for divorce.
I am just thinking aloud- if it was the other way around-and my ex was bipolar – I would never do what he did……
If I didnt have my parents and friends support i would have definately committed suicide by now. The thought used to cross my mind so many times in a day- and honestly the only thing that stopped me was my MOM. And the fact that she wud not be able to take the grief.
My advice to married couples- please dont abondon ( that’s the most cruel thing to do ) Instead take as much help from the environment and help the person live a normal life which is very very possible.
I’ve held a job now for 3 years with some minor episode that spring up once in a while- but I’m controlling it through maintenance dose of the medicine and meditation and reiki and yoga
Its a pity how we let a precious life go waste by not being there for the person.
Enough for now i guess….
David:
It is obvious you know exactly what problems we are dealing with my son. It would so helpful if these e-mails and lessons were in Spanish. My daughter-in-law has so many questions that I am unable to answer. These e-mails and lessons have answered a “zillion” questions I have but with a limited knowledge of Spanish I am not able to help with this so very valuable information.
Thanks bunches and bunches. Maize
David – Thank you so much for this!!! This is the one area that I have not been able to handle well. The personal attacks and accusations that just come out of left field have had a horrible effect on my own self-esteem and confidence levels. Especially those statements that seem to contradict each other. It’s a no win situation and it can just escalate out of control when I try to defend myself. While I have learned now that the allegations and insults are sypmtoms of an episode, I must say, it still hurts badly. In the back of my mind I can’t help but to wonder if that’s the way he really feels. Do you know if a bipolar person remembers the things they said when the episode is over and things are stable again?
What if the individual with bipolar is mentally retarded to begin with?
I am going through this with my son and his depression about finding a girl causes his episodes.
The person who just got married to someone with bipolar
disorder and everything was going 100% great…COULD find
him/herselves the target of massive abuse with statements
like, “You’re out to get me”; “You don’t love me”; “I
never loved you”; “I hate you’; “You hate me”; “I need
space”; “I want a divorce”; “I am not attracted to you”
etc.
wow…i have been married since February 1st…And 2 weeks ago almost, all this started happening…it’s like you were in my house! My grandmother-in-law got this email the day after my husband left me and started saying all these things. It came out of the clear blue. We were so happy and then, in the middle of the night, he was gone. I have been gone 2 weeks…and yesterday he called me to say sorry and tell me it wasnt my fault it was his. But I made all those mistakes…and look where it got me….1133.6 miles away from my husband…
It took me nearly two years to work that out if only I had that e-mail long ago it would saved me alot of heart ache. I took every thing to heart from my partner. It has only been te last year of being with him for three that i finally worked it out. Don’t argue just blow up a bubble round yourselves and let the words bounce away from your hearts.
Since then he has learned to control them more and now they are less frequent. It took alot of disciplne and I found its best to be in control not them in control of you as it only makes them worse, creating prolonged episodes.
You sure can not .by even saying you may have this drsoider is a sign of a mental drsoider. Let your doctor diagnose you .Sometimes patients are correct but you need that doctors John Hancock on that piece of paper .