Hi,
How’s it going?
Hope you are doing well.
Before I get started, I wanted
to ask for some help.
I am looking for a person who posts some
great comments on my blog called “Graham N.”
If you are him or know him, please have an email
sent to feedbacktodave@mentalhealthworld.net
Thanks.
Okay, I have a really important lesson for you today
and it’s based on the total nightmare day
I had yesterday.
What a day I had yesterday.
Here’s what happen. So I start working
and…
I had one guy call and scream and yell
at me on my cell phone. He then threatened
me if I didn’t “stop promoting medication.”
He said his wife had bipolar disorder
and he was mad because drug companies
were greedy.
I had another woman call and scream and
yell at me. She said my emails “sucked”
and they were worthless and then she
demanded that I pay her for wasting her
time.
I had another lady who said that I
scammed her. She said that I stole
money from her last night. She lived
somewhere on the west coast. I haven’t
left my area in a long time 🙂
When I told her that I didn’t she
said that I had an attitude and she
was going to unsubscribe from my
list. I told her okay. Then she
told me that she was sure that
I was helping some people just
not her. And then she
screamed at me some more.
I was getting hammered by person
after person.
I started to think bad thoughts like
“why the heck do I do this?”
It is annoying some times when
you get yelled at and screamed
at for nothing. Anyway, I
stopped thinking negative
thoughts.
But, in reality, I know why many
mental health places have massive turnover
and shut down. It takes a whole lot to
run something that helps people who are
dealing with disorders like bipolar disorder.
It’s amazing. In EVERY group that I have
volunteered at, the turn over is almost
90%. The only people who seem to stay
are those who aren’t doing well anyway.
It’s really strange but I understand.
But at the same time, it makes me sad.
The best people I know don’t go and
support the support groups, in my
area at least. But I have asked
others and they tell me the same thing.
So you have to realize this when
you are going there. Actually,
if you have been on my list for a while,
you’ll remember that a few years ago,
I talked about a support group that
was INCREDIBLE. They had INCREDIBLE
speakers and INCREDIBLE events.
I was talking to a friend that has
a wife with bipolar disorder. He volunteers
like me and goes to EVERYTHING. We were
talking and realized that the group we loved
had ONE event for the year. The entire year.
It seems that many people who ran it left
or are going to be leaving so things have
fallen by the wayside.
The bottom line, it takes a lot to run
an organization that deals with mental
health and most people unfortunately
are not paid or paid so little it
scary.
I guess I want to say something. If you go
to a support group or mental health organization,
cut them some slack. Be nice. Realize they try.
The try hard. They may be short on photocopies
or other “stuff.” But they try.
Give them some money because they all
need it. At the places where I volunteer
at, some people are so darn mean. And
it’s generally almost always the supporters
who are angry.
Anyway, back to my story. Then on top of
that, my blog was broken for hours yesterday.
It was driving me out of my mind. I kept trying
to publish and it was “sick” and not working.
At almost 12:00pm, I was like, “what a day?”
On a funny note…
In the middle of all these problems, my friend
called and said, “Dude, what are you doing?”
I said, “working, like most everyone in the
world.” He said, “Dude, who cares about work,
let’s go to the movies?”
What a life. Let’s go to the movies
in the middle of the day.
Anyway, I didn’t go 🙂 I had too much to
do.
My friend is so funny. He’s like 25.
He never has any money.
He barely works. He doesn’t get the connection
between not working, hanging out,
and not having any money 🙂
Anyway, as I thought about all my problems, I
was then scanning my email and some bipolar
blog posts. I saw that many people were having
problems as well. And I know at any one
time, there are thousands of people who
are having problems with bipolar disorder
on my list because it’s so large.
So today I decided to talk about it.
The bottom line is, when you are dealing with
bipolar disorder, you can have a whole lot
of problems. Amazing problems. Ones you can
think of but many that you never can think
will happen.
Sometimes you are overwhelmed. I have had
the worst possible situations. And for
some reason, problems from bipolar
disorder almost always happen
when you don’t want them to.
Ever notice problems don’t seem to
happen when you have an army of people
to help, you have tons of money, lots
of family members around for support,
etc.
When my mom was going though her
major bipolar episode, things would
always get worse when I didn’t
want them to.
There were days when I would
get up in the morning and say,
“wow, I am feeling great. I am ready
to take on bipolar disorder today.
Let’s fight!” (fight against bipolar
disorder). But then nothing happen.
It was odd. This is when I started
believing bipolar disorder was like
a thing that was in my mom and it
was smart enough to not attack me
when I wanted to be attacked.
Whenever I write stuff like this, I know some
people will write me (100+) that I am crazy,
but I am sure you know what I am talking about.
Anyway this happen time and time again.
There are many people who are contacting me,
especially in my coaching programs that have
many problems. They “freak out” and get so
stressed as one said to me, “I think I am
going to have a stroke and die.”
With that said, I felt that I had to
send out a reminder email on how to deal
with lots of problems from bipolar disorder.
Here are some things that kept me going
and keep me going when I have days like
yesterday.
#1 Realize things will get better. If you
talk to someone who had lots of problems,
they will generally tell you, things looked
hopeless but after a while, it turned around.
Things always turn around.
#2 Things are never as bad as they seem
at first. At first, something or some things
looks like the worst possible thing that will
create almost the world coming to an end…
it never does.
#3: There is always a solution when you
have time to think. Don’t make rash decisions
even if you feel pressured. Always take
time to think. Allow yourself a day or two
to let it sit in your mind. Many times,
just one night of some kind of sleep (I
won’t even say good, because when you have
problems you don’t seem good or well), will
bring you a whole lot of solutions.
Bipolar disorder loves to make you make
quick decisions so they are bad.
#4: Many other people had your same problem
and dealt with it effectively.
#5: There is help somewhere. In the case of
bipolar disorder, many solutions to problems
are in my courses/systems below:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
#6: It could be way worse. I use this
a lot. If I have a super bad day. I think
of the worst possible thing that could be
going on with me and then think, “Wow,
I am glad that I am not there or having
that happen to me.” For example, on a really
bad day, I say to myself, “I could be totally
homeless, living in a third world country,
with no food, medicine or water.” After I think
this, I generally feel better.
#7: Bad events generally produce positive
outcomes. More times than not, something
positive always happen from tings that
seem really, really bad. For example,
my mom went into a huge bipolar episode
years ago. It was a total nightmare. BUT,
from that bipolar episode:
-my mom is now almost out of d.ebt (only
one more payment). If she didn’t have the
episode, her d.ebt could have gone to
$50,000 or $100,000.
-she has learned how to total manage
her bipolar disorder
-she figured out who were good friends
and who were bad friends, including
family members.
-I started this entire organization that’s
now helping hundreds of thousands of people
a year.
-I found that a company that I worked with,
that paid me were TOTAL crooks. When they
found out my mom had bipolar disorder and I
was paying her hospital bills, they
tried to “get me” and stopped all payments
trying to bankrupt me.
-My mom now has better health care and a
better job
-My mom is now able to take care of herself
financially
-Because my mom a major episode, I had
to stop running three other businesses. Something
amazing happened. As a result, I had to find
good people to run them for me. I didn’t think
this was possible, I use to do everything myself
and couldn’t grow really big. I was afraid to
turn things over to people. As a result of my mom going
into the episode, I figured out you can find
great people and they can run things and run them
better than you. Now I can have 3 businesses running
without me and they have grown substantially.
-I figured out who some of my real friends were.
Some friends stopped talking to me when they found
out my mom had bipolar disorder. Other friends helped
so much. One friend helped me put together a strategy
to deal with the evil Mr. Mundy who was a d.ebt collector
after my mom and then after me. NOTE-Mr. Mundy was
the collector I called the incarnation of absolute
pure evil. When you talked to him, you seriously
felt like you were speaking to pure evil. He had
no soul. He was ruthless. He lied. He was mean.
I remember him saying, “I don’t care what your mom
has, she could die for all I care. You better
pay her de.bts or we will destroy you.”
He called my mom, myself, her neighbors and
made so many threats he made my mom worse. I remember
he got a list of everyone who lived next to my mom
and he called them. He actually convinced one neighbor
to bring her cordless phone over to my mom’s house
so he could talk to her.
At first, he talked in such a way, he scared me. He caused me
to lose a lot of sleep. My friend helped me
launch a counter attack against him. He put so much
pressure on my, I couldn’t think straight. He called
me relentlessly on every phone number all day.
I asked my friend to help.
She helped me with a plan and basically
to make a long story short, Mr. Mundy was demoted and
in serious trouble at his collector company. All calls were
stopped to my mom and we got an apology. People
in the collector office said, “wow, no one ever controlled
Mundy before.” My friend was the key person to help.
It’s amazing all the work she did. I am totally
thankful. But she showed what a great friend she was.
Well I have to take off. I hope this gave
you some good things to think about if
you have a lot of problems because of
bipolar disorder.
Tomorrow is the bipolar disorder news.
I’ll get it to you first thing tomorrow
morning. Have a great day.
Your Friend,
Dave
P.S. Don’t forget to take a look through the
different programs I’ve put together… each one is designed
to help you with a different area of bipolar disorder whether
you have it or you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/catalog.asp
P.P.S. Check out my F.ree blog with copies of emails
that I have sent in the past and lots of great
information for you:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/supporterblog/
P.P.P.S Check out my F.ree podcast. Hear me give
mini seminars designed to teach you information
you can’t learn anywhere else.
http://bipolarcentral.libsyn.com
well David I am sorry to hear about your bad day. I know how difficult people can make other people live a nightmare.Especially when they themselves are miserably disgust. You should just laugh it off. Nowadays if you do not learn to laugh at things like these you may just end up being the same
I must tell you I do enjoyed reading your subcription each day.
Keep up the good work.
And by the way I am a Jamaican
hi i have been thinking about purchasing your program for a while now but i have bipolar mixed, and i am not sure you can address what i need?
Thank you Dave for your messages. For the last few days I have enjoyed reading them in the a.m. while getting ready for the day. I have an adult son with bi-polar and can identify with so much of what you talk about. My late husband, we believe, also had bi-polar disorder. Unfortunately, years ago few people understood what he was going through. I just completed a degree in counseling. The motivating force’s behind completing this degree have been my late husband and my son.
Sounds like you hit an earful of negativity yesterday. When I hear a lot of negativity from people, I have hit a nerve of truth it seems. I believe that you hit the nerve of truth, and like you said a lot of positive can develop from these thoughts.
Thank you, I will keep reading!
Hi, Thanks for the email today. It’s my first. I found #2 interesting, my 20 year daughter (and me) had a terrible day yesterday. she is getting worse. I had a dream that the world came to an end. I hope things get better soon. Looking forward to more support in this. debra
Dear Dave,
I just completed the reading of your today’s post.
I am sorry for writing such a negative post day before yesterday. I was and am still in my hole, however I do know the signs to look for and reach out for help. I saw my Phsychiatrist yesterday morning and he changed, not my medication, but the dosages of each one; in an effort to monitor my depressed state.
I am empathize with you, that you had such a ‘bad’ day too.People can be so darned uncaring and think their own situations require everyone elses immediate attention; not remembering even for a minute that they are taking their irrational behavior out “on the other guy”. I did receive several caring responses to my outburst and I thank everyone for taking the time to check up on me.I do have a support group meeting on January 6, 2008 and I did call some of my group members to talk it out.
I read, with great interest,the part you wrote about concerning the debt collector. Do you realize that you have every right to sue this company and have the collected debt money returned to you? The Fair Debt Collection Practices Act clearly states there is to be no harassement, no idle threats, no criticism, no contacting of third parties (unless they are signed on the debt). This guy broke every part of that law. Not only could you have all of the repaid debt refunded to you, but the collection agency would be reasponsible to make things right with whom ever they were collecting for. In addition there is penalty of up to $10,000. per DAY and imprisonment of no less than 5 years. I was A Banker/Collection Manager for 8 years, before I transfered to lending only for an additional 7 years. I went to school to learn all the Laws governing Lending and Collection practices. I have no idea how long ago your situation transpired, however I can tell you that the statute of limitations extends up to 10 years. The treatment you, your mom, your neighbors and friends endured
calls for more than just a demotion of this particular debt collector. He broke the law and I can almost assure you that had you not spoken up, this agency already knew this guys reputation and condoned it. I have the feeling you were told of his demotion just to appease you for the moment. Good agencies are trained to provide information that will help the debtor resolve their situation by any number of legitimate consumer agencies that exist.This helps everyone involved.
Anyway, Thank you for sharing the tough day you had. It did make me realize that I was putting too much burden on myself and to just take it slow, one day at a time; one situation at a time.
I wish I had the money at the moment to purchase your program, however that is not to be right this minute. When the time arrives that I can afford it; I will jumo on board.
Your friend,
Vickie P
Dave,
thanks for your support. My sister in law just stomped out of our home and wanted a new Surety (this was the second time we’ve gotten her out of jail) and then came back and wanted us to take her back but we refused…the stress was way too much.
So, your letter today gave me strength to hang in there and maybe try to give her somoe of your letter anonymously – so she will read them. I guess I can’t keep praying for her if I give up on her, right!
Linda
good morning dave, intresting how bpd seems to have a personality of its own!!i’ve been going to a.a. for 12 years now! really hasn’t cleared up for me yet!, but it is tough right now! being surounded with this illness in my wife and freinds,alot of gossip and lies amoungst them all,my wife has agreed to arrange to include me in her support program we’ll at her doctor’s off. wich acording to logic info i’ve considered he is not a good one!! we’ll see?
I WENT TO A STORE WHERE I HAVE BEEN SHOPPING FOR MANY YEARS,TIS MORNING. THE CASHIER STARTS SAYING THAT SHE IS GOING TO BEAT MY WIFE. SHE EXPLAINED THAT MY WIFE JUMPED THE LINE AND WAS ABUSIVE TOWARDS THE CASHIER. I WAS DUMBFOUNDED. I PAID FOR MY NEWSPAPERS AND LEFT. AS A PERSON WITH BIPOLAR 1 SHOULD I HAVE DONE SOMETHING OR NOT? THIS IS COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER FOR MY WIFE BUT SHE IS GOING THROUGH A LOT OF STRESS DURING THE HOLIDAYS.I WOULD LIKE TO HERE FROM GRAHAM.N.JAMES IN PHILA.PA.
hey Dave, just wanted to tell you again how much your e-mails mean to me. I look forward to reading them every day! Like I’ve told you before not only do I have bipolar disorder I support my teenage son who has it. The holidays went well except when my sis(who is also bipolar but dont take meds) came to my moms. We delt with it and sent her on her way. Hope your holidays went well and I wish you all the happiness in the new year. I also wanted to say when the negative people call you just remember there are those of us out here who think what you are doing is wonderful. Thank you again from your friend in AR.
Hey David. First of all, so sorry to hear you’ve had to deal with so much. Your emails have really helped me deal with my own bpd. They help my husband learn to better help me as well.
Dear Dave,
I need some help with my brother. My mom is on a fixed income and her health is failing. I have 5 children of my own, one with RSS and my husband has had 2 nervouse breakdowns and is now permanantly home. I am working with him to help him with his disorders.
The problem with my brother is that he is 14 years old and has gotten worse. The doctor has changed his medication from Risperdol to something else and it is not working. He has violent outbursts, destroys things and has gotten out of control at home. My mom can’t leave him by himself because he calls people and tells them that mom leaves him that way for hours, when in reality, she left him the one time for about 20-30 minutes to go to the local grocer for milk. The psychiatrist won’t put him back on what was actually helping and will not believe my mom when she tells her that he has gotten worse and the delusions have gotten worse. My mom has said that if things don’t get better she will have to hand him over to the state, because she can’t handle him. She has my other brother that is autistic, so her plate is full already, and if things can’t get better with my bipolar brother, she doesn’t want to jeopardize my autistic brother. I want to help, but I don’t know how. Do you have any advice? I wish we could afford your programs, I think they would definetely help, but right now we are lucky to pay the bills and get groceries. Well, if you have any advice, please let me know.
Thanks,
LaraCrts@aol.com
Hi Dave,
My 14 year old brother has bipolar disorder and my mom’s health is starting to fail her. She is on a fixed income and doesn’t have money to get extra things because he tears so much up. His psychiatrist has changed his medication and he has gotten worse. He was on risperdol and his ADD medicine and the psychiatrist changed it to something else. This change has taken a boy that had occassional small outbursts and made him unpredictable and explosive. He did not improve at all with the change and the doctor will not believe my mom. He has gotten more delusional, like saying his brother hit him when his brother wasn’t even home, but had left the house without his knowledge. He obsesses over things like pens and pencils and says he can’t do his work at school without a certain type. What do we do? I can’t take him from my mom because I have 5 children and a disabled husband, so we have no more room at my house. I don’t know what to tell her to do with him and she has said that if things don’t get better she is going to turn him over to the state. I don’t want to see that happen, but he has gotten more violent and she can’t handle him. I don’t know what to do. Do you have any advice? My mom really needs some help with this.
Thanks,
LaraCrts@aol.com
Hello!
Just looking for some advice from those who have experienced things first hand. I’ve been dating an amazing man,(met 7months ago, have been dating exclusively for 3months), who is extremely successful, educated, brilliant, creative, I could go on for forever…… He admits he usually needs less sleep, and can be extremely driven,more so than the norm. But he believes,and I agree, that this doesn’t hurt anyone and actually attributes to his success. He also admits to having an “event” in his life, as he calls it. He didn’t sleep for a week straight, was loosing large amounts of money in investments, and ended up in the hospital for a week with delusional thoughts and a diagnosis of bipolar. He was on medication and received counseling for a year but now states that as long as he exercises, eats right, and gets 7 hrs of sleep a night that he is much more self aware and he doesn’t need counseling and medication. Besides, he “doesn’t get depressed” Low and behold, The entire month of December has been challenging. He sleeps much more than he used to, hasn’t worked out at all, and has a negative outlook. Not all the time, but noticeably different. He swears to me he doesn’t feel depressed and that work is stressful and dealings with his EX is stressful, he likes to exercise outside and it is snowy,ect. The thing is, he is still very productive and functional, just not himself. So, what do I do? I know he is the only one who can help himself, but he doesn’t admit to a problem. He pulls away from me anytime I bring it up.
So the question is….. my boyfriend isn’t totally out of control and spiraling downward like Dave talks about….but should I be concerned? I love him, but what am I getting myself into? Am I in denial as much as he is?
Any advice is welcome! Thanks!
Dave,
I first want to thank you for the time and effort you put into this cause. I think most of us here that support a person with bi polar understand what it is like to have them go off on you, though I can’t imagine several different people going off on you in one day.
Just try not to let it get to you because as you know, they have illness. I know that some days it is easier to deal with then others.
I have been reading your emails for a while and would like to ask a question about the ones where people with bipolar are so sure that something happened and it really did not by taking it further. Have you heard of someone who takes a memory and alters it?
By this I mean, the event happened, but not the way they think it did. For example, my husband went to dinner with friend he has know since high school. Two years after this dinner, when he first got sick, he said that they were accussing him of terrible things and recording it and that this happened in the resturant with people around. All his friends say it did not happen, but he believes it did. Can they combine a truth with a delusion?
This is not the only memory he has altered and since it is not a full blown delusion, I just wonder if there is something else wrong?
If you have heard about something like this, I would like to hear more.
Again, thanks for all the information you put together.
Deborah A.
Texas
Hi Dave; I appreciate that you keeping doing this in spite of your bad days. I have just ordered your program. I really need this right now. My boyfriend committed a crime and I bailed him out. After a couple days, he became insane. I looked for help; no one (like hospital and emergency room) helped us at all. They discharged him. One therapist said to me “I need a therapy for better relationship”. Anyway, I sent him back to mental ward in Jail. I have realized that no one in this planet understood what I went through. I was going to order the book from Amazon.com then I found your website. Just ordered it because I do not have time to read all books etc. I need solutions right away. It is worth. Hope this is the right one and I am glad that I found this. I am looking forward to receiving the package soon. Thank you again Dave.
David,
Hello! I just wanted to ask if you would please write an email about how easy it is for someone in mania to feel offended and act defensive. I would like to hear your story of how you were best at approaching your mother while she was irrational in this manner when someone offended her.
For me personally I was always very easily offended and acted very defensively with sarcastic and rude remarks to hurt them in return, even to the point of getting in their face. I at times felt that if the person was just a little nicer and tried to assist me without my having to ask, beg, and plead for it that I would not go to such extremes. But know one cares and it ticks you off further…it is like they have no idea how to appease you when you are going off on a tangent (in an episode).
Some advice please on how to talk to us when we are in an episode???
I always thought that if they just hugged me and said they would help me I would have felt a sense of relief at the moment, and then would have felt the remorse of my anger immediately instead of when it is too late. And then talk about getting help.
I know David is busy so what does anyone else with BP think would have helped you most when you had an episode that went way too far before you got some help? And Supporters who have been there… what worked best to help get your loved one calmed down during an episode so that you could then talk about getting help?
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dear dave,
thank you for the email you send. I have a son who is bipolar, another who was schizophrenic, and an ex who was bipolar. Your candid and thoroughly authentic comments are very helpful. stay strong.
Lara,
Please get another doctor if yours is not working for you or with you. Your brother needs help I do not know exactly what to do as I have never had a child in an emergency situation such as BP but in my ignorance I would go to the emergency room and discuss his behavior and get them to transfer him to a children’s hospital psychiatric ward. You must fight for this to happen. If he is a threat to himself or others it is your responsibility to get him help…please don’t wait.
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Please answer my question!!!
My boyfriend is bipolar and i don’t know when he is rude because of his disorder or because he just don’t like to have me around. I love him with all my heart and i don’t want to give up on him, but sometimes is just too hard, because he is always trying to hurt my feelings.
I know we got to be patient.
Sometimes he says things like ” I don’t want you around” or ” I don’t have a heart and you need to realize that!” and he disapear for a feel days and then he call me or text me.
He want me to hate him, he keep telling me that he’s just using me. i don’t know if this is true or not. I can’t believe he’s this monster I know he have a good heart.
Please I need some help.
Thanks for your attention.
Dave, I have an idea, mentioned with the utmost respect. As Bi-Polar is a genetic dissorder why not (cause I know you have ALL KINDS OF FREE TIME!!), offer support for sufferers of Bi-Polar supporting loved ones ie(child) with the same disorder? I myself am in that situation, and husband is an Alcoholic and is in total denial that either of us has said disorder!! So, needless to say no support there!! Just a thought!
All the Best,
Diane Horton
hey everyone im new here i hope you dont mind me blogging. i have a appt to see if i could infact be bipolar. i have taken the online tests and they its a strong possibility. i do know that i have a lot of problems going on and i do need some new people to talk to.
Dana- you are on the right track and I think you are GREAT for wanting to move forward and get the help you need to get you where you want and need to be.
Keep learning and research as much as you can there are many things for your perusal on the internet if you need it…do a search for anything you can think of and keep building a library of information. David has a great amount of material available on this site and there are others sites that have things as well. Make it a point to study at least one hour each night about your disorder online. Bookmark for future references.
I hope you get the right doctor and therapy and that your process is as painless as possible for you and your loved ones.
Respectfully,
Tere
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Dear Par Amour,
Leave him and get on with your life.
His sounds like there is much more wrong than a bi-polar disorder. I was actually married to a guy like this before. He has anger management issues and would not see fit to treat them.
You deserve a better life than that. You are not married to the guy. Get out while you can
I have been receiving your e-mails for some time now but just never took the time to read them. You see Dave I am not sure if in my case that I have bipolar. I have seen seven or more doctors, both military, V.A. and civilian. I have a seventy percent disability for PTSD, and manic depression. Also ADHD, OCD, SAD etc. I am on and have been on every type of medication for all these conditions yet nothing has helped me. I never have the up episodes in bipolar, just the anxiety, outburst, anger and frustrations of dealing with working and living a life without any sense of love, happiness or caring for either myself or family. I get mean and nasty at times with my wife and complain to my managers about all their screw-ups, lack of their supervisory skills and especially their directions are illegal and may cause a major loss of life to the traveling public. I stepped down from a supervisors position because my concerns and beliefs were not being addressed by anyone in management and no actions were ever taken on any of my legitimate concerns. Still although I am totally frustrated with the system, I struggle to make it through my shift, and my family life having no motivation, and no idea what love or caring feelings is all about. Not knowing wheather I am truly bipolar, or a combination of all the above emotional disorders I don’t know how this blog may help others, but maybe there is a few other people out there who have the same problems, that we could assist one another for emotional support. Thanks for your messages, hearing about others emotional problems and how they cope with them may someday help me understand my situation.
I tried to be a supporter but my husband didnt think he was bp. although all the symptoms were there. He feels that his parents are his children and that he needs to be with them 24/7. He lives in Calif. and his parents live in PR, every two weeks he jumps on a plane to see them and apparently he is driving his mom crazy. He continues to call my sister in law by my name. They correct him and he just ignores them He looks and acts very depressed. I dont know if he is on any medication He has asked me for a divorce. I miss him I wonder why he calls out my name to my name to my sister in law does that mean he misses me or is he very confused. I still love him
When he went to the dr. with his brother, he mentioned that he wanted a divorce. Dr. told him to wait cuz he may regret it later. Is he regretting that. Many say that he made a choice without thinking it twice. At first I was against the divorce but now I think he has done me a favor Any advice or comments will be appreciated
I, sometimes, read your newsletter. The only thing I am upset about is that your “help” costs even more than the meds I take. I can either get one or the other, and personally, I don’t think either help on their own.
I did order the information about Bipolar and debt, but I still haven’t received it. I still don’t know why.
You have a great heart, and some useful information, but I am just getting more broke while you pay your bills. I don’t think I’m the only one who is on disability and can’t get out of debt, so I don’t think this is the first message you got like this.
Perhaps you should consider that when you sell your programs.
Thanks anyway,
LVanslette
lwiggins2,
I have been in your shoes and I got to the point at work where they wanted to get rid of me so they looked for ways to piss me off enough to quit…and guess what..because the BP made me so out of control the slightest trigger sent me into fits of rage and then I would ball my eyes out….after about the 4th time I couldn’t handle myself anymore and had to leave. I know even though I am healthy now that they did do some pretty underhanded things to get me to leave.
No one understands it unless they have been in it themselves so don’t blame anyone when they get frustrated with you they haven’t a clue and are just protecting themselves from our behaviors.
I found out two years later that it was the medications I was taking. There are so many and each one is supposed to work in certain ways…and doctors go by what they have found to be successful..it is all a chemical chemistry set really….to figure out the right combinations that will work to balance us out.
Just keep working with your doctor and recognize that you need to get on the right meds and learn everything you can about over coming stressful situations.
My biggest thing that works once the meds are right is to focus in on the healing of my mind…episodes take a lot out of us and take a while to get over. It takes more than the medication to get over an episode.
I overcame through a combination of methods and now it is a matter of maintaining to keep myself moving in the right direction…it is a lifestyle change to plug yourself into a routine that is as consistant as possible. AN ABSOLUTE MUST TAKE YOUR MEDS EVERYDAY… even when we feel better, going to the doctor regularly, therapy, spirituality, exercise, support, and for goodness sake as much proper sleep as possible..Going to bed at a certain time each night is important.
I get real messed up when I miss any sleep, I get sick, things change in my everyday life, stressful situations…but I do everything in my power to control what I can…
When my meds were finally right after a few years of blind luck….I started with finding myself again and learning how to deal with things again… I studied meditation, prayer, Spiritual guidance, hypnosis, and many other things that helped me focus my attention on getting my mind healed and at a point of inner peace which in turn will equal peace in other areas of your life.
I know life seems very hopeless and difficult to cope with but see your doctor about getting your meds tweeked…tell him all your moods and concerns…write down in a journal each day…this happened and this is how I felt….this is happening and this is how I reacted…write if you take your meds, if you forgot, if you chose not to take them…document so you can track and so can your doctor. Recognize changes after taking new meds, side effects, moods. Your wife would also be an honest opinion on your daily happenings as well…Include her in all your treatments do not shut her out…even if you don’t agree with what she has to say. It is important to remain objective about how others view our moods and behaviors because sometimes we are too manic to admit or see it.
Come on anytime and rant, give advice, share a story, whatever, as long as you just keep surviving through the madness!!! I will be keeping you in my prayers. I have been married 18yrs and have 3 boys…I know what you are going through…you are not alone.
Tere
oh christmas was great, no family
three christmas cards, present form my doctor, cool.i just can’t understand, when they what their around. actually haven’t seen over a year. i manage, fed a man with
no food, he made me feel great
everything running late hope you had good hoilday’s betty
Thanks for your comments Misty!
I wonder if all BP has to be so severe? So dramatic? Can they be functional and have less complicated shifts without treatment? Denial of needing help is what worries me the most. Sounds like that is what you have dealt with….I take it your loved one is not in therapy or medicated, and no that doesn’t sound like something I would want to expose myself or my children to. But, I’m an extremely nuturing, empathetic, sympathetic, loving person and RN by career choice. I have this deep desire to support him to be that amazing man that I know he is capable of being. Am I dreaming? It is so hard to walk away knowing maybe you could help. God put him my life for a reason, right? Does this sound like you in the beginning?
I found this if anyone is interested:
Light therapy helps some bipolar patients
http://www.newsdaily.com/Science/UPI-1-20080103-14053700-bc-us-bipolarlight.xml
I am thinking to buy one of those natural light lamps, because my husband is constantly complaining about not getting enough sunlight. I guess he is up to something.
Also, on Omega-3 article. If you are anything like me, you’ll run and empty the shelves.
Word of advice: be careful what you buy. You need to make sure the process is right, it is free of mercury and other contaminants, etc.
Check this link:
http://www.ezinearticles.com/?The-Truth-about-Fish-Toxins-in-Omega-3-Fish-Oils&id=883321
I hope the links work and this helps.
Did I mention I believe that every little bit helps? As long as it’s natural, go for it!
David, I hope it helps to know that for every person who vents on you there are many, many who are so very thankful for you. When I first found your website I thought, well this is good info, but I’m sure the bottom line is money, it always is. My current financial situation is quite bleak, so I can’t afford any extra’s. In spite of the fact that I’ve not spent one dime, your mail comes faithfully everyday, and although I know you are talking to thousands of people, you manage to make the letters seem personal. The things I have learned have helped me so much, I no longer take my daughters moods so personally and I no longer feed her anger by trying to reason with her. Things still are pretty bad, but now I know what I’m dealing with in her and in myself, as I believe I’m borderline bi-polar also, if there is such a thing. Maybe what I am is just depressed but at any rate the things I learn from your emails help me tremendously, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Hang in there, tomorrow will be a better day! Sincerely, Nancy
Dave, sorry to hear that people are mad at you. Afterwards you can probably see the funny side of this. I would think that people who get mad at you are in the minority, as most of us really appreciate what you do. Stress affects different people in different ways. Some get upset or frustrated and others get aggressive.
My boyfriend and my ex-husband are bipolar. My current man is doing very well on the right medicine. My ex is in total denial and refuses to see a doctor. Neither of them have ever been aggressive – it’s not in their nature. However, I have known very aggressive bipolar people. One was my landlady for a short while. She refused to see a doctor and was addicted to cannabis and alcohol, which made her condition worse. Just occasionally she could be very nice and pleasant.
Your Mr. Mundy sounds like someone from a Dickens novel. What a nasty man! Then I wouldn’t think that any pleasant person with good friends would become a debt collector.
Keep up the good work, Dave.
Por Amor, Maybe your boyfriend has not yet found the right medicine and/or the right doctor. It also seems that he really doesn’t like, perhaps even hates himself. He says horrible things to you because he wants you to answer back in the same manner. My ex-husband used to say some awful things, when I showed him what he felt was too much affection. He didn’t want me to love him because he believed that he didn’t deserve to be loved. I tried for over a year to save our marriage and sadly failed, but at least I can say I tried. He is still not well, as he refuses to be treated for bipolar and hides behind his daughters who believe that their Dad is totally faultless and I’m the only problem.
Maybe you could see a counsellor or therapist about this problem, who could point you in the right direction. Friends are always very helpful too. Good luck.
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Hi Dave… I think you’re brave and dedicated to put some much energy into your posts/blogs/e-mails & work in general.
People who don’t do or have never done the type of work you do… have no idea of what it takes. They may be full of criticisms or tell you, “how they’d do it” but they have no clue. Or you wouldn’t hear all of the negativity from them. Yep, can you tell? Been there done that and it’s almost without any thanks, so you better enjoy what you do, with a sense that you’re helping a few others… or you’ll burn out. So hang in there. I think you’re doing GREAT!
🙂
Hi Dave!! Thank you, for sharing how your day went!! I can relate!!
cause today I had one of those days, with my qualifier, and his attitude its driving me up the wall!! I think is because he is probably trying to quit smoking, so that itself puts him on the edge, and a lot of anxiety!! he snaps for anything and everything, so I snap too, and I feel he does not care how I feel,!! This time I really don’t know where to start from if to keep going to my therapy groups, or a phsycologist, or what have you!! I don’t know anyore, I can only thank You for listening to all of us w/our qualifiers and their bpd. Please don’t give up on us, you are our only hope!!
Thank you, soo much!!
Love,
Marisol
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WOW, Dave! Sounds like you had a really “bad hair day!” On behalf of myself and, I know, others on this blog – I apologize for those who demonize you and call to make your life miserable. Because – there are others like me, who appreciate and “love” you for what you do to help us, even when you’re not aware that you do. So- Thanks!!!
Also seems like you have learned from experience how to delegate responsibility, and how NOT to think that the “world will come to an end” if you’re not there to run things. I had a problem with “prioritizing,” at one of the last jobs I had (followed by a 4-year bout of disability), so I worked really hard at TRYING to prioritize EVERYTHING in my life. I THINK I’m STILL learning : )
And you’re so RIGHT – what seems like the worst possible things going on in our lives, turn out to be NOT that important if you just wait them out and try to be positive. This week, I had a problem with my boyfriend that made me soooo hyper, I thought I would jump out of my skin until I had a resolution. I waited TWO days, but finally “took the bull by the horns” and confronted him with “the talk.” Turns out, he was NOT listening, or reading my signals, and was completely at a loss as to what my “problem” was. We really started to communicate, and there was a resolution to the impasse. But – for those two days, I was imagining all sorts of scenarios of what was going wrong, and I literally almost went “crazy” with worry. It being a holiday, I couldn’t call my therapist – but, at this time, I look back, and think that it would have been such a stupid thing to do. The problem was strictly between my boyfriend and me; there was absolutely NOTHING she could do to help, except possibly put a new “spin” on the problem.
Sometimes if we just put things in perspective, and try to work things out, they are not the “boogey-man” kind of problems we imagine them to be. Although those two days of misery were IMPORTANT to me, in the scheme of things, they bore no relation to how they turned out. One of the other bloggers on this site gave me his email address, and he had me look at the problem from a man’s angle, and he REALLY helped me – thanks, Terry, for ALL your comments, and I’m glad everything worked out!
I know about “burn out” in Community Mental Health centers and other places that try to help the mentally ill. Yes, there are bipolar survivors who make a bad name for the rest of us in their behavior toward psychiatrists and therapists, to the point that they just “give up.” It can be VERY trying to work with people who have bipolar disorder, but that can be true of anyone who works with “the” public. There are “bad apples” everywhere; it just seems that the mentally ill people are so much more vocal than others. I must admit there were times when I was incorrigible and unmanageable, and said and did things that were ALMOST illegal. I regret those things I said and did, and DO have a LOT of remorse. But – as you say, we take “one day at a time,” and recover to the best of our abilities, and try to leave the past behind.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love them. My prayers are with you. I hope the New Year will bring happiness and health to ALL of us.
Leighann & Misty,
My spouse is diagnoised as bipolar and it developed late in life. We have know each other for 22 years and been married almost 16.
It was triggered by a lay off of a job 4 years ago. Before that there was never a sign.
It started by him telling me about a dinner he went to with friends (which happened) who then started accussing him of things he had not done. Then my dad and brother and people that he used to work with were too. It took a while, but I got him medicated and he did fine for a while, even after quiting his meds.
He still has not found a permanent job, but stays busy with contract work. He seems to regress when without work.
This past spring, he was not working or taking his medicine. About the time of our 15th anniversary, he told me about the affair I supposedly had on our wedding night after a big fight we supposedly got in. I can tell you there was no fight or affair. Where this stuff comes from I don’t know.
He still thinks it happened but because he is on medicine now, he does not harass me about it.
The only reason he got back on the medicine is because he got suicidal and was behaving ugly so I took our 3 kids and left.
He thinks the only problem he has is depression which is caused by all the “horrible things” that he thinks happened to him. I remind him to take his meds, but there are times he gets mad at me because I make him take medicine.
I don’t think his medicine is right, but it is hard to tell because he sometimes misses. The doctor thinks we should not change anything since he is functional by going to work. The catch is that is all he does, work and then lay in bed. I told the doctor that his kids and myself need him, but the doctor thinks that would be too much stress for him. I would like to go to another doctor and get a second opinion, however have not been able to convince my husband.
I am trying to get my husband the help he needs, and in the mean time I am preparing to be on my own. Is it fair for my kids to watch their dad lay around, unfocused and uninvolved or would it be better for us to be on our own? I do everything as a single parent and sometimes I get mad at him for being dead weight.
It is not my place to tell someone to marry or leave someone with bipolar. I just wanted you to know what could happen.
I know some people understand that they have a problem, get the help they need and follow through.
I would really look at the person you are thinking about marrying and ask yourself these questions:
Does the person realize they have an illness, do they take their medicine and follow through with their doctor and therapy? If they are, that is better than someone who does not. There are a lot of people who successfully manage their illness.
As said before, do your research.
Sorry to ramble,
Deborah
Thank you for this email. Im sorry your day was so bad but Im happy for your positive outlook and that you shared it with us. I had a bad day as a bipolar supporter too. Ill take your advice and wait a few days until I make my big decision! Lisa
Dear David,
For any supporter or survivor of bipolar this is information we all know but it bears repeating. Sleep stabilization is (in my experience) the number one way to avoid a relapse of an episode. If you want to avoid getting the flu you have to wash your hands a lot. If you want to avoid a bipolar episode you have to practice good, consistent sleep hygiene. I support my Mom who has bipolar I and I have bipolar II. My life is rich and filled with folks who love me and who allow me to love them. I have a job I love but has irregular hours so my sleep / wake time is crucial to my relapse prevention.
Happy New Year Everyone!
Judy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Psychotherapy to Stabilize Daily Routines Is Beneficial in Bipolar Disorder
Marlene Busko
Medscape Medical News 2007. © 2007 Medscape
December 27, 2007 — Interpersonal and social rhythm therapy to stabilize sleep, wake, and meal times improved outcomes in bipolar patients in 2 studies discussed by Ellen Frank, MD, from the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine, in Pennsylvania, in a presentation at the American College of Neuropsychopharmacology 46th Annual Meeting.
“The clinical implications are that without necessarily trying to provide patients with the full interpersonal and social rhythm therapy protocol, which so far only a small number of people in the United States are trained to do, any clinician treating someone with bipolar disorder can encourage them to lead lives characterized by regular routines, and in particular, regular wake times, bedtimes, and mealtimes,” Dr. Frank told Medscape Psychiatry.
Interpersonal and Social Rhythm Therapy
Individuals with bipolar disorder or recurring unipolar disorder have particularly sensitive biological clocks, so that events that disrupt their daily routines and sleep-wake cycles are associated with new onsets of illness, said Dr. Frank. “We hypothesized that a treatment that helped patients lead lives with very regular wake times, bedtimes, mealtimes, and other routines could protect these delicate clocks, and paying attention to potential changes in routine and avoiding drastic changes could protect patients from new episodes.”
They developed a treatment called “interpersonal and social rhythm therapy,” in which social rhythm therapy is added to Klerman and Weissman’s interpersonal psychotherapy. The social rhythm therapy attempts to help the patient develop and maintain regular daily routines. The interpersonal psychotherapy focuses on 4 interpersonal problem areas: bereavement, transition in a major life role, a major dispute with an important person (particularly someone with whom the patient lives), and interpersonal relationship deficits.
“We’ve now shown in 2 studies that there are benefits to this approach,” said Dr. Frank.
The first study, a randomized controlled trial of 175 patients with bipolar I disorder, showed that compared with participants who received intensive clinical management, those who received acute interpersonal and social rhythm therapy had a significantly longer time before a new episode of mania or depression during a 2-year follow-up (Frank E et al. Arch Gen Psychiatry 2005;62:996-1004).
In the second study, interpersonal and social rhythm therapy was 1 of 3 intense psychotherapies that resulted in better outcomes than collaborative care, in a 1-year randomized study that was part of the Systematic Treatment Enhancement Program for Bipolar Disorder (STEP-BD) trial (Miklowitz DJ et al. Arch Gen Psychiatry 2007;64:419-426). A total of 293 outpatients with bipolar I or II disorder and depression treated with protocol pharmacotherapy were randomized to up to 30 sessions of intensive psychotherapy with 1 of 3 methods — interpersonal and social rhythm therapy, family-focused therapy, or cognitive behavior therapy — or to 3 sessions of collaborative care treatment. Compared with patients treated with brief collaborative care, patients receiving intensive psychotherapy attained remission of depression within a shorter time.
Mouse Model of Bipolar Disease
In a related presentation, Colleen McClung, PhD, from the University of Texas Southwest Medical Center, in Dallas, reported that mice with a clock-gene mutation displayed behavior that was similar to symptoms of mania in patients, which makes this a useful model to study bipolar disease. There is a very strong link with patient studies and this animal model, said Dr. Frank.
Practical Change, Easy to Implement
Establishing and maintaining a regular routine take discipline but require less effort than making and keeping health-related changes in diet and exercise, especially with the support of family members or other people living with the patient, said Dr. Frank.
“Patients will often say, ‘You are trying to make my life boring,’ and we always say, ‘You can have as many interesting and exciting experiences as you want, as long as you manage to get to bed at the same time pretty much every night and get up at the same time pretty much every morning,’ ” she said. They found that patients who understand this message and are able to make the changes are quite happy with the improvement that they see.
Night Owls, Not Morning Larks
In another presentation, Vishwajit L. Nimgaonkar, MD, also from the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine, discussed how individuals with bipolar disorder are much more likely than people in the general population to have a body clock that runs late, which reinforces findings from Dr. Frank’s studies. “One of the things that we learned . . . is that if individuals who have bipolar disorder don’t have family or work demands that require that they get up early, they are much better off staying on their own natural schedule, as long as they get enough sleep,” she said.
“As long as it doesn’t interfere with work or family obligations, individuals with bipolar disorder should be encouraged to have a regular routine that is consistent with their body’s own natural clock,” she summarized.
STEP-BD is sponsored by the National Institute of Mental Health. No financial disclosures were reported.
American College of Neuropsychopharmacology 46th Annual Meeting. December 9-13, 2007.
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So true Judy…so true!! Thanks for sharing this.
I used to have some pretty crazy sleep habits. Up all night and all day then crash…then do it again…and always wonder why I couldn’t cope with anything stressful. I am naturally a night owl…I became this way because I liked the peace and quiet of the night without kids and hubby and I could get way more accomplished when everyone was snoozing…but it was not healthy for me or my family. It wasn’t until my husband kept nagging me to get a sleep routine in place that I realized he could be right so I tried it and low and behold I found it was easier than I thought…and I was able to cope with life a little better than before.
I did also find that taking my meds before bedtime really made a huge difference. If I took them in the morning I would eat like a pig and then crash on the couch. Thus I was wide awake at night. Now I take them at bedtime and sleep when I am supposed to. I don’t split my pills up to take some in the am or some in pm I take full daily dose once a night. The doctor didn’t have a problem with me taking the full dose all at once.
Tere, I too, take the majority of my meds at night for exactly the
same reason…utilizing side effects to my advantage. I take one med
that has a slight activating side effect which I take in the morning.
Oh these cocktails (sigh).
~Judy
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Dave, I am sorry to hear about all these people takinh their own problems out on you. I know how it feels. Maybe not to the same extemes, but I have to kids,well 19 and 18 with Bipolar, untreated mind you and I live a nightmare everyday wondering when the next episode is going to occur. What my son is going to do to hurt emotionally today. I read your letters and they are helpfull. Keep up the good work. You are appreciated.
Dear Dave,
I am a 44 year old nurse with recently diagnosed Bipolar Disorder. I have worked and been a patient in the Mental Health area. You are right, they are overworked and have to deal with situations that no other healthcare personnel have too. My being involved in both nurse and patient aspects has given me a wealth of information on my disease and ways to combat my manic episodes. But, just because I am a nurse does not mean I know it all. I truly enjoy your emails and think you are doing an outstanding job in helping the general public. I am offfering you any help I may be able to provide, all you have to do is ask. You can contact me at buffalogalrb@sbcglobal.net and cassss11@gmail.com and I would be happy to help.
Catherine Martinez
Retired Disabled Nurse
Age 44
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GOD bless you misty!! my wife is a professional also!!with bpd just now seeking any kind of treatment only because the circumstance is so severe!!!you pray for me, and I’ll pray for you!!!
I will John.
Sometimes that is my last resort.
And then sometimes I doubt even that.
But yes, don’t stop praying. If it doesn’t help your loved one, at least it gives you strength to keep on going.
God bless you too.
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Hi Misty! Sounds like things are real challenging.
I can tell you that I had so many different drugs at one point that I didn’t know which end was up and which end was down. I took some that made me have the restlessness you speak of…my coworkers would ask why I had the shakes…and my husband told me that while I slept I did some jerking and jumping around at night. I think it was Zyprexa, that made me that way and it also put me into the worst episode I ever had and I ended up in the last place I wanted to be… the Hospital.
I went on to other ones…my experience with Geodon was also not so great…it made me real anxious and just felt like my skin would be crawling. I also felt as if every evil thing in the world was after me and attacking me. I told the doc I was feeling anxiety and he gave me anti anxiety pills and they made me so violent I wanted to punch holes in walls…break mirrors and such and I was just so biligerent and irrational so as you can tell it triggered an episode.
I figured out that it was the pills so I chucked them in the trash so that I would never be tempted again to try them and end up in jail like I hear happen to so many others with my problem.
I tried 6 different antidepressants through my course of treatment and none of them worked they all made me more depressed. Of course I had some depression when I started getting help so naturally they prescribed them for me and continued since the depression only continued to get worse.
The only thing that has worked for me is Lamictal. I had a diagnosis of BPII with periodic rapid cycling, and severe depression. You wouldn’t really know that I have any of it now unless you were a part of my past.
I have noticed that the profession feels that it takes a combination of drugs to get it all right. It seemed like everytime I went to the doctor he was only adding to my list of drugs that weren’t working instead of taking me off of them to try a new one. For me I found that side effects are not as noticable when there are so many other drugs doing their own things in me and one drug masked another drug. So I made Him take me off of everything except the stabilizer Lamictal….I knew that if it didn’t work he could then continue to tweek it…but I needed to know for sure that they weren’t making me feel worse…and low and behold some were making me feel worse…Praise God I am so much better.
I feel more controlled and really human for the first time I think than ever in my life. I am not hypomanic although sometimes I think I am, but my husband has definately seen a huge change in me compared to 16 years prior to my stablity and on the right routines and programs. Before meds I knew I had problems and was real bad about getting help, but during my last pregnancy I decided it was time to get better because wishing it so wasn’t helping, I had racing thoughts and felt hopeless and tense about everything.
Each drug works different for different people. I didn’t stop taking meds all together just reduced it to one stabilizer just to measure. I knew that I needed to have at least one med because I knew how I was without any at all. A great big mess!
You are wonderful for explaining different things to people on this blog. It is so difficult for everyone to deal with the madness of this illness especially when there is no overnight miracle cure for it.
ps…you mentioned children in a previous post just as a friendly reminder in case you don’t know this….Have a good back up plan for your children in case an episode is so bad that you need to leave for their safety..such as someone you or they can call to get picked up. Always their safety first…please 😉
You will all be in my prayers!
Tere
Misty, I loved your response to Leighann24!! You are outstanding in your ability to express what it is like for the supporting wife! That was so well said. I have suffered 11 years before I realized what the culprit was… and I think I realized this in November of last year. After 11 years of suffering. My mom told me before I even got married to him these words: Why do you need a man in your life? You are successful, you’ve got a job, a place, a car…Why? All you are gonna get is a bunch of boulder sized bull mess and a baby! Stop that headache before it starts because you are gonna get a life sentence for 2 minutes!” LOL!!! (I don’t believe in sex before marriage, obviously, fyi) I protested and told her how happy he made me. She said, “Tell me how happy you are in 5 years!” She was fuming, but she accepted my decision…Girl, here I am, 11 years older, a beautiful baby, by the way, but having to raise her in the climate that we called home with no answers as to why these episodes would occur out of nowhere! Man! 11 years later, I realized it was bipolar, and then I found the wonderful David Oliver. He is a dream, I tell you! I started off the same woman that you are Misty, but I tell you that BPD has made a real DIFFERENT WOMAN out of me. I am working on my own issues that are a result of being the right person in the wrong home! GAD, PTsD, OC tendencies and Codependency… No magic pill for these disorders, hard work in cognitive behavioral therapy is the ticket and for me, awareness was more than half the battle….my dad is bipo schitz, by the way, I have a lot of siblings and you can just imagine where all of my hangups come from..including how I snuffed out another BPD. I can whole heartedly agree with you that BPD is not the enemy, the hard part is when the “loved one” will not get help or acknowledge that they have a problem. But I will tell you that me setting healthy boundaries as I have through the years (as scared as I was to do the things I needed to, I did them anyway), has helped tremendously. I get respect to some degree. It is so very strange how the police and authorities can “slap the bipolar”, so to speak, out of some! I do believe that all have a core and some play like the supporter is the crazy one as long as they can; until they cannot use it any longer, and for me, it has taken 11 years. All of the excuses that my husband used; naming me as the culprit, have all been exposed. His people that would listen to that bull mess about me, who don’t like me anymore because I don’t enable, can not explain certain things that happen to them, by him, that has NOTHING to do with me! Whatever! People believe what they WANT to believe. Add jealousy to the mix and you’ve got a huge mess. I stepped away from his family long ago. When they started being nasty to me and believing all that irrationality, it hurt me, but 6 years later, I didn’t die, okay !!LOL!! Thanks, Misty for making me laugh out loud!! That was great! LeighAnn24, please listen to this sound reasoning from a selfless person, who did for you what I wish someone would have done for me. I would have gotten it! Really! Oh, by the way, I have reason to believe that my loved one KNOWS he’s bipolar!! I confided in a friend of ours who knows bipolar well because his ex has it, told him the last time he saw him that he needs some medication for his struggle. He cannot fight it alone (I overheard); and he got that same submissive stance that he gets when I do what it takes to set boundaries! He let me be crazy as long as it worked. It doesn’t work anymore. Anyhoo, Happy Friday! =)
The Princess
Thanks guys, love ya!
Wish I could stay and answer but the master of the domain just stepped in and the food must be on the table not too hot not too cold!LOL Got to run, but will be back later or tomorrow.
Till then THANK YOU!
Misty,EGO-with a capitol E!!!yes she is a doctor also,I could relate to your situation sometimes I wonder if in “true” reality! if possibly we may be pioniers of a major spiritual breakthrough sometimes the anser seems so close,other times admitting complette hopelessness!!words can’t describe what we live in although you do a beautifull job!!I can almost feel the hope when I read these post’s!!!! thank-you!!! my e-mail add. is schroederjgs@yahoo.com any time!!
I have been reading this blog for a liitle while now, It amazes me to see bits and pieces of my on story over and over. It is good for me though. I have been with my husband for 18 years, married 15 years in feburary. Things have been bad for him for a while but I never really saw things for what they were. I knew he had anger issues when we were younger and I knew he had some form of depression that I had urged him to see a therapist for for years. Although he only went once and because I threaten divorce after an incident (which I now see was a manic phase). I began to suspect bi-polar only a few months ago. Over the summer he started acting not like himself. I mentioned the behavior to a mutal friend and she suggested to me bipolar. Her daughter has it and what he was doing sounded familar to her. By the time i started my own research he was already seeing a doctor. He had quit working a year previous after our daughter was born and applied for disablity and was denied. He was told he needed more documentation so he found his doctor who was recommened through work.I believe now he didn’t go for his own sake but for the money. My husband told me the doctor told him he was agorophobic, depressed, borderline bipolar, and had OCD tendancies. At least that is what my husband TOLD me. I asked to see his doctor and my husband said he ask if it was ok. I was so out of the loop. He then told me that the doctor said it wasn’t a good ides but that we might look at counceling across the hall. I now know there is a bathroom across the hall. Anyway, He wasn’t really over the top. He slept a lot. Said things like how he didn’t deserve me and the kids. Things like that. Then he began meds at the beginning of summer. Everything changed. He was still down a lot but seemed happier as well. hard to explain. He began exercising more frequently. Not in a good way though. he had so many plans and ideas. he was going to do so many differnt things that I didn’t when he was going to sleep. he was really setting himself up to fail. I told him everything i thought I should. How I loved him and i wasn’t going anywhere and that he wasn’t alone and would be right by his side when he needed me. I told him he could talk to me whenever he wanted it wasn’t a bother at all. He began to detach instead. From me and the kids (we have 4) He began to spend more time watching tv or on the computer or exercising. He began to get mean to me. Saying sarcastic things. he had always been respectful before. He would promise things to do with the kids and just brush them off or even forget the made any promises. he began to forget some of our conversations. I asked him to talk to his doctor about his meds. He did and they were increased. He didn’t take all of them though. He was perscribed 3 different ones. He always told me he was only depressed. I suggested bipolar and he was furious. I suddenly was trying to pidgen hole him and was controling. When he did something that could have killed him he said I was exaggerating. Then he told me he didn’t love me anymore and was in love with someone else. When I asked if she knew this he said no. he then told me a whole story of how he wanted to marry her and had loved her for years even though they hadn’t spoken in 5 years and only knew each other casually. They had become reaquainted after our daughter was born though a job. Now all of a sudden she was his world and what a catch he would be, a divorced father of 4. I reminded him he wasn’t divorced and he was telling me all this in bed. It was really hard to not take that personally. This woman at the time had no idea. I had had enough and began to take over the finances. he did this for our whole marriage and I thought he was depressed not incompetent. Little did i know. he had clean out my savings, signing his name to checks that were in my name only, transfered funds from one of our sons savings to pay for rent and spent the ids entire college fund. I found out he had cancelled my and the kids life insurance and reduced his by %75. I had no idea. he had taken out 7 credit cards. I knew I had to be proactive with his illness and pray I was too late to avoid total disaster. It was though. I sat with our kids and we talked about what they had seen and felt. i told them I was calling dads doctor but that dad might be angry with me and leave. That is what happened. When he found out he was livid. he left the house for 3 hours then came home and began packing. I thought it might happen but seeing it made me feel sick. i still wonder at times if i did the right thing. he moved in with the woman the next day. he told me he was in a hotel. he has been gone 4 months now and they have begun an affair. He stopped seeing his doctor 2 months ago and his meds as well. he went off them against his doctors advice and without supervision. he only wanted to see our daughter and i refused. he threaten me with lawyers and refused to tell me where he was living. I found out eventually. he wouldn’t give me an address and accused me of wanting to follow him around. he bought a lexus and basicly new everything. He called the kids and the 5 year old of his girlfriend was calling him daddy in the background. The kids were very angry. He visited twice and was violent the last time. I ask myself why do i still love him so much? why do i want my marriage? We are in the middle of divorce now and I feel like i was swept with the tide. Everything happened so fast. From the time i knew something was really wrong and he left was less than a month. The day before he left he agreed to not leave until he was stable. he accuses me of keeping the kids from him when I tried to make arrangement for him to be with them. it was only after i found our he stopped his meds and seeing his doctor I asked for supervised visits. His parents tell me I am not being a parent and am letting the kids dictate what to do. they don’t want to see him and don’t call him either. I feel caught like a rock in a hard place. i can’t please everyone. His parents were so supportive at first. I don’t think they can accept his bipolar. They accepted depression but nothing else. They tell me i need therapy. no kidding. i have seen his doctor more than he has at this point. I can’t anymore mow though since my husband in now cashinng the insurance checks and not paying the doctor. I have my own therapist anyway. As do the kids. I feel like he is getting away with everything and I am left holding the bag. He doesn’t support us financally at all. I have had to go on welfare. Ihav no job and haven’t since I was 18. Trying to keep the kids life as stable as possible and happy is a hard enough task as it is. I just don’t kow sometimes if I am doing the right thing. he makes me doubt myself. Some friends have cut me off. he says he’s fine. he has such seemingly sensible aruments and answers for everything. he says i won’t work with him when I hung up on him after he was screaming FU over and over on the phone. Then it was my fault because he was angry since he hadn’t seen his kids in three weeks. I am afraid I will go to court and there will be nothing i can do to protect my children.
Dave. I think you are providing a special service and are a blessing to many people. I appreciate your e-mails and information. Thanks.
Susan Just
Perphila,
Hello dear…you have certainly been a victim and for way too long, and now it feels like it was for nothing, if I am hearing you right. Now you are having issues with a potential threat to your children’s welfare.
I can understand the fear of having no control when they are out of your reach, but unless he has ever been physically violent, with them you may be over reacting at this point. You can cause him to be beligerent if he feels like you are taking away his rights…who wouldn’t be ticked if they couldn’t see their kids.
But the fact that he only wanted to see your daughter alone and not all the kids is a bit concerning in and of itself.
You are not the doctor but you are your child’s best advocate…if you keep an exhaustive journal of each event that transpires between you and your ex it will help you present your case. Ask that the courts review his medical history and that he is not currently taking medications and therefore you feel he may be a threat to your children. Give details of past actions that give you reason to believe he could be a threat to them.
The best thing you can do is get him supervised visitations and the kids should not hate their dad…it is just not natural….reconcile them because they need to know that if they are ever up against this illness (it is hereditary) they will still have the love of their own children.
Please do get the help you need for the kids, but also remember that he is dad even if he is not in the same house, paying child support, or making the best choices with his health and welfare.
Good man, bad untreated illness…seperate the two for your kids. Let them know his kind heart is there he is just not getting the medical attention he needs.
There are parents that ignore the warning signs of a heart attack and know they should get the treatment they need, but they think awe I’m alright I don’t need to do anything…and make excuses and then bam….THE BIG MI and now the kids have one less parent.
BP is not the only illness people ignore it just happens to be the worst one to ignore.
Lots of prayers,
Tere
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good morn’n ya’ll,thats what I myself was thinking,yesterday-oh my GOD!what have I become? how sick am I? the powerlessness over what I think my life should be,this morn’n right after I read Misty’s comments the thought came to me-We are GOD’S instruments; “iron sharpens iron”when HE is ready HE will use them! THE fog is lift’n thank’s!!!
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Misty,
I feel your pain. Right now I am in a place where the waters are somewhat calm. Even thought he will never change his mind on things that he thinks happened to him, he is taking medicine for his “depression”. I fear the day life turns upside down again.
I personally do not think they are the right meds. because he works and then comes home and lays in bed all night. He spends his weekends laying in bed or on the couch.
There is no quality of life in this. I have talked to the doctor about this and am told that to hope for any more might be too stressful for him and send him into an episode. I would like to get him to a different doctor for a second opinion, but he has to agree to go which has not happened yet.
When I married him, I took the vow in sickness and health. I know he is sick and I try to help as much as I can. However, I have 3 children ranging in age from 13 to 9. They will be my priority.
I took them and left one time before when he was in a bad state and this seemed to get his attention.
In the end, your leaving or staying is up to you. I can tell you that I am trying to help him, but at the same time, I am trying to get my teaching certification so if I have to be on my own, I can take care of my family. It is a slow process because I do everything around the house, take care of the kids, and substitute teach.
One thing I learned in a NAMI class is that you need to have boundries for what you will tolorate and what you will not. If the boundries are stepped over you must stand up or he will keep pushing.
What would he do if he was being ugly to you and you said you were not going to tolorate it and leave for a couple of days? It could shock him into behaving better or just the opposite.
Another thought I have had and you might want to consider is what happens if something happens to you. You need to find a way to make him see he needs to take care of himself. I am working on this also.
Being an enabler is not good for you or him. As with an alcoholic, they might have to hit rock bottom. I think we can help them but not save them. They have to save themselves.
There is not quality of life for you either when you have to tip toe around and live in constant upheaval.
I am by no means perfect and writing this to you is helping me see I better start doing better myself.
In order for a change to occur for either of us, we are going to have to be the ones to do it as they will not.
I hate to sound like Oprah and I am asking myself the same question… If you don’t like it, what are YOU going to do about it?
Have a good day!
Deborah
Misty,
I just read this email from Dave that came out this morning and it seems to apply to both of us.
It says:
But you don’t see people realizing that
if she is ill, mentally, she needs someone
to step in. You just can’t hope that
someone how some way it will all work out.
They do not see themselves as ill and I know you situation is different but maybe getting him hospitalized in a hospital away from where he practices might be the answer.
If he gets mad or leaves, are you really worse off? Maybe you will find happiness?
I might just have to push my husband into seeing a different doctor or move out.
Forever confused,
Deborah
David,
Sorry you have had some rough comments and calls. Remember for every one bad call you probabbly have a least five good calls or comments. You will always have someone willing to throw stones, but focus on all the good you do, because that is what really counts. Your e-mails offer many people information and the connection to know that their struggles with their love ones and their illness is not as lonely of a road as they may think. Many people who do not live with someone with this illness have no idea how difficult it can be and often find it easier to just lable these people as being odd or crazy. Your work helps the uninformed to become informed and helps the informed to become united. Perhaps through sites like this we as a community can combat the stigma associated with mental illness and offer much needed help where there is little to be found.
Thank you for your effort.
Conniewat@aol.com
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Misty,
You are a sweetheart and I love you to pieces and I have never met before! You an enabler??…maybe some would say that..but I don’t really think so in your case after all he is not running around treating you like a doormat, is he??
My hubby is almost of the same mind when it comes to me…it is called UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. When I was going through the hell for a couple of years with trying to get me medicated and on the right programs it was very difficult for him to handle everything. He had days where he would lose it with me, but for the most part he was such a caring, loving person that I just loved him more and more for it.
I am now healthy and therefore he had less responsibilties and turmoil than he had back then. He knew both sides of me and he told me day in and day out how wonderful I am and how much he loved me and how beautiful I am…really such a wonderful soul!!!
But his only frustration with me was simply not knowing what to do to help me.
Keep loving and learning!!
Tere
I love you too Tere.
Boy, you’re funny.
Enabler? What is THAT?
Door mat? More like a punching bag.
But yes, there is such a thing as unconditional love.
I only wish he would accept the help instead of fighting me tooth and nail, knowing full well I’d give my life for him. Too proud I guess.
Misty,
Very perceptive…pride was my biggest demons as well.
It wasn’t that I didn’t get help I was quite the opposite as soon as I knew what was going on with me I did everything I was supposed to do, but as I said some of those medications made me more of a monster and comatose than I ever was and I can see where some BP’s stop taking them when this happens…I didn’t give up and so finally the meds were right…no one knew how to support me…ignorance..truly in my situation.
My husband used to say you need to get help…but he never offered to take me to the hospital…ignorance on both our part.
It was my mother who is a nurse that took me to my doctors because I wasn’t getting out of bed anymore and couldn’t function at all..and then the doctor said take her to the hospital…..also my mom’s ignorance of what to do to help me…even though she is a nurse.
I went to the hospital willingly, agreed to ECT, and all they offered as drugs to get me stablized. While I was in the hospital all they gave me was Lithium and I felt so much better. But then they put me back on antidepressants and so nothing changed once I got home I was back to being depressed again and feeling suicidal. I have always made sure I was doing what I was supposed to be doing.
THE GET OVER IT mentality doesn’t work when you have no control (in an episode) and have no idea how to get control over it…and when we are like that we will not ask for help it is so embarrasing and all you want to do is shut everyone out and wish it all away!! That is how it feels….some don’t ever know how that feels and I think some should just to taste it once in their life. Then they wouldn’t be so flippant about how awful we are.
NEWS FLASH…I was very aware of how messed up I was and how awful I made everyone around me…it killed me after each episode that I had stooped so low. But I learned through the madness that forgiveness of self and others brings a peace like no other for everyone.
I want peace for me and my whole family and it scares me to death that I could slip and have an episode…I do what I am supposed to do and therefore I feel no shame when something happens because I realize some things you just have no control over..but getting the help is what will get the control needed..it just takes a while to get back on your feet again.
I am going to keep moving forward and doing my best…because that is all anyone can do!!
Thanks Misty 😉
Tere
Hello,
I’m very glad to be reading all of the emails sent. I felt like I was so alone in dealing with a loved one with BP. My 20 year old daughter has moved back home from University because she was failing school and getting worse. She was diagnosed with BP a year ago and hates all of the different drugs the doctor got her to try. Now she is in denial and doesn’t think there is anything wrong with her. I am only now beginning to see how bad she is. One big problem I have is not wanting to subject my husband and his younger children to her irrational outbursts. They don’t deserve that, no one does. How do I deal with her? Do I tip toe around her so she won’t scream and swear in front of the kids or do I let her do whatever moves her in the moment? She seems to see situations in a very distorted way and then tells everyone her ‘version’ of the situation which is often not true at all. I feel like I want to force her to confront her illness and accept the fact that she needs to be on the right drug (whatever that may be)if she wants to get her life together. But am afraid that will make her lose control again and run away and continue denying her illness and hurting herself and everyone around her. Legally she is an adult but in reality is more like a teenager who hasn’t matured yet. Her illness has probably delayed that. Do I wait for something terrible to happen like injuring herself or someone else before she is hospitalized? I’m sure she won’t voluntarily get the help she needs. I just don’t know what to do?
Thank you for being out there. It helps to just know others like yourselves have found ways to cope .
hey all its me again i hope im bloging in the right spot…i need some advice on when u hurt ppl that u really care about and love how can u start to get there trust back…i have managed to ruin quiet possibly the greatest relationship i have ever had with the most wonder guy and we are not together now and i want him back i dont know where to start
Dear Dana,
Youy start by forgetting about him for a while and concentrate your efforts on yourself.Please do this without having the intention of getting him back, but do it for yourself alone.
You see, no one in our conditions are capable of offering ourselves to anyone until we can accept ourselves and learn to adjust our thought patterns and life styles to deal with our illness.
Get help for YOU! And remember you did not get where you are today overnight; I believe in miracles; and the miracle you will find here will happen with consistent concentration on YOUR GOALS. Not your goals with him in your life, at first, but goals that can be met by learning about your condition, what signs or triggers to look for and how best to react to them. Actually, You will have no time for him right now; if your are serious about helping yourself.
I know this is noy what you wanted to hear. My advise is go and make your Miracle Happen
Sincerely,
Vickie P
Debra, reading your message is like reading a page from my life. When my daughter lived with us I was constantly tiptoeing around her so that my 7 year old would not have to hear the fighting. I would apologize when I had done nothing wrong, I would let her get away with way too much all in the idea that keeping the peace was a better alternative. When she left the tension that had been a daily presence in our house left with her, replaced by constant worrying about what she is doing and where she is. Like your daughter though she is legally an adult she has the emotional maturity of a rebellious teenager. She refuses to take medication, instead she self medicates with pot and alcohol. Even though a DUI has left her with no liscence and she’s been arrested because of the street drugs she claims those things are ok for her, but prescription meds would be so terrible. I feel I’m at the end of my rope, nothing left to do but pray. I just don’t know how to help her.
Hi Guy’s!!peacefull to-day my wife is seeking treatment after one hell of a battle this illness has so much of a seemingly pesonality the closer it gets to treatment the worse it gets!! like David said you can almost sense peace when you just let “it” have it’s way! Misty asked how do I handle it? We’ll right now I’m at war!!seperated,credit about ruined,enough evidence to force her legally to do something’she just lost her job!directer over a hospital,wrecked her her car,in the woods!had me arrested for abuse,the best way I have found for inner peace is to realize I was at war with the EGO what is the EGO? the best way for us to descibe it is to know what it is not!!! THE HOLY SPIRIT! TOGETHER I beleive with Daves awesome insight,guts,and a real relationship with our Heavenly Father,we will get our HOMES and our LOVED ones back!!!!!!!
Nancy, Thank you for sharing your story. I don’t wish this on anyone, but it’s still helps to reach out to people in the same situation. My daughter hasn’t left…yet… but is so unstable right now, she just may. I am trying to figure out what are her triggers and how to talk to her in a positive way when she is ranting. But she seems to target all of her anger towards me (everyone blames the mother) and so it is hard to say anything right. Extra pain comes from my other daughter and my son blaming me for ‘getting her upset’ and causing her rants. I think they are also in denial of her illness. I’ve tried to explain it to them but BP has many faces and can confuse even those closest to them. How much suffering has to happen for everyone to see it for what it is, a horrible disease.
Hi Guy’s!!peacefull to-day my wife is seeking treatment after one hell of a battle this illness has so much of a seemingly pesonality the closer it gets to treatment the worse it gets!! like David said you can almost sense peace when you just let “it” have it’s way! Misty asked how do I handle it? We’ll right now I’m at war!!seperated,credit about ruined,enough evidence to force her legally to do something’she just lost her job!directer over a hospital,wrecked her her car,in the woods!had me arrested for abuse,the best way I have found for inner peace is to realize I was at war with the EGO what is the EGO? the best way for us to descibe it is to know what it is not!!! THE HOLY SPIRIT! TOGETHER I beleive with Daves awesome insight,guts,and a real relationship with our Heavenly Father,we will get our HOMES and our LOVED ones back!!!!!!!
Debra, I have been very lucky that my husband and my son can see that I have done nothing to cause her to be so angry. I know that even though I’m hurting, she is hurting more because she is the one struggling with this disease. I know what you mean, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone either, but it made me feel better to know that I’m not the only one who is going through this. I used to listen to people talk about their “perfect” children, and I would just keep my mouth shut and think that I must be the worst mother in the world, what did I do to make her this way? It is only recently that I have accepted the fact that I didn’t make her this way, it’s not my fault. I hope your daughter comes around and starts taking her meds again. I hope mine will just give the meds a chance.