hi Dave , my fiance and i split 2 months ago he is bipolar and i am clinical depression possibly bipolar , he has lied about things to the point where his mum reckons i was making him suicidal ,, it wasnt true , he is still in his bipolar episode and it was hurting me now its frustrating me coz i know he does still love me but he is pushing me away , he wants to soul search he wants to find out who is is i understand that but i want to help him as well i want to be there for him but he wont let me , i want us back together again supporting each other but the longer we are apart the less chance , he has been in this bipolar episode now i would say for 5 months now , well 5 months i can look back on and realise things were a bit strange from Lisa

David,
I’m there right now. My ex-husband has split me and my 14 yr. old daughter apart. She has moved in with him and now says she hates me after everything I did for her.
I homeschooled her, had to support her, and her brother and sister because of reduced child support.
(ex lost his job). He does very little for her, and she slaves for
him and his new wife, cooking, cleaning, and washing clothes. I’m
wondering if she is bipolar, too.

Dave,
When fiance’ turns to alcohol and his behavior is like a yo-yo. He has kept me awake until dawn with the “I love you, I hate you” cycle. Over the weekend after trying to quit smoking it happened again after 3 days without smokes. I finally reached my breaking point and lashed out at him verbally and physically when he tried to “hold” onto me. The next day I did not get out of bed until late in the day and I was physically ill with a headache and throwing up. I can not handle the “yo-yoing” all night long and it happens even without alcohol. I am going to see a new doctor with my fiance’ tomorrow, which he did not want…but I insisted. My fiance’ is ready to throw in the towel because of the pain that is being caused. I keep telling him we have to come up with a plan to change things and fight this together. His goal is to live clean and free and he does stay on his meds. The alcohol fushes out the meds however and that is when I see the major swings. The littlest thing can set him off. How do you get a person who goes into a yo-yo pattern to stop without losing it. I usually just try to remain calm and listen but it gets to be too much to handle and I have to keep myself well.
L

hey Dave,

Gee, that was so nice what your mom did to you isn’t it… keep bending over backwards to help her while she does as she wants no matter who it hurts.
I think you had better reevaluate your relationship with your father. He TRULY loves you and your telling him…to bad…I am going to give all my attention to mom even though your the one who wouldn’t hurt me.
Very Sad.
And I do not think people should be enabling a mother on her to commit child abuse. I don’t care how in love with her abusive husband she is. She is not taking care of her child. That Child should be taken out of the home. The mother can choose if it is by her… or a state agency.

I want to thank David.
I have to deal with a bipolar MIL that doesn’t take care of her illness. Because of the illness her judgement is OFF!
My DH has just gotten tired of her antics. BUT he doesn’t help her, he tells her what she wants to hear instead of confronting what she has done.
I would love to confront her BUT because I want to keep peace in my house I say nothing. (to this point)
I take what David writes about and shove it down my husband’s throat.
Today’s Lesson is a prime example of what I would LOVE to do. I would love to confront her, her boyfriend and my husband in a group session.
She recently tried for the 2nd time to commit suicide on new years eve but was caught. 4 am phone call. We just sighed and said not again. She still had to go to the hospital for 3 days BUT she said all the right things and got everything she wanted. She didn’t like this or that. The pysch ward gave her what she wanted.
The doctor blames her medicine failing. Really???
I got a list of her drugs. 20 in all. Some of them had serious interactions with the other drugs. They didn’t care. They gave her more and told her she could go home.
She never says anything is her fault. IN FACT!, she blamed me and her son, we were at home asleep at the time and had not talked to her in a week. She even told the doctors it was my fault. I have limited contact with her because of this.
One of these days I will laugh at her and tell her she is full a crap. Someday.
THANK YOU DAVID
Please keep up the good work.

Hello Dave,
I am in tears and very, very emotional right now after reading your e-mail. I am so happy to hear this horrible aspect of bipolar disorder articulated and circulated to continue bipolar education. I have spent years of my life angry and feeling helpless because of the divide and conquer syndrome that is so prevalent, in fact, it is a “staple” characteristic! I have been there. I also know what you mean about being direct to the bipolar. Did you read my blog comment the other day when I replied to our dear Misty, whom I cherish, by the way? I mentioned that boundaries and the po po (police) can knock the bipolar out of someone, in some cases. I KNOW EXACTLY what you mean. I have seen it first hand. And what is more, as long as bipolar disorder can make the supporter out to be the culprit, it will, until the supporter does something to change it. Thanks for the insight. I am NOT crazy, smack dabbit!!!! Dave, I know it’s useless but I want to call all of my bipolar loved one’s family and give them a REAL piece of my mind! But, you have to know that people believe what they want to believe. My loved one is not just bipolar for me. He is for everyone. His illness is an equal opportunity offender. If they are STUPID enough to listen to that mess, then it’s on them. I have been freed of the blame. Thanks, Dave. Can you please write about the jealousy of bipolar? I know that having a spouse is different from having a bipolar parent; but do you know much about it? Thanks for all of your hard work. Please do me a favor and delete hate mail. You are too smart to even dignify it with a response. Keep educating the teachable. =)

The Princess

i am not sure that i am even bipolar, i did go trhouigh a very depressive expisode 6 years ago and had a very hard time coping with our financial porbelms. my husband was very supportive but just kept giving me pep talks to talk me out of bed and up and back to wrok. he knew i was going through some hard past emotional issues and understood the wounds i was feeling. but i think he was scared when i saked for help. he could not understand how the person he loved who wass always the person in charge of the family and the one who moved things along got so weak and helpless. after about a year and a half wwe kind of lost our contac t with eachother and i think he got anfry that things were not as they had been. my friend nancy was trying to help as she had just gone through a divorce and he left to be with her and i lost him.i could feel it coming as she was alwasy around as was there to drink with him and always lookoing for womething to do i think to use us to get her through her own issues. but he is gonoe and i am alone. my sister is having a hard time sticking by me but she has hope for me and my daughter is getting scared adn tired of not having her mother there for her. i son’r think he really anted to leave me…he sadi it was a very hard decision but we did have some rocky periods in our life together and a lot of it came from his issues too so it was not me entirely although i blame myself for all the problems in our life.so in a nut shell…he was afraid to understand the effects of depression although i even tried to get cuples councling becasue i feared this would take a toll on us…but he is gone. it hurts as he was everything to me and we were partners in work also so i lost my job becasue i could not face him daily knowing he was going home to someone else. i am lost now and actually in spiritual pain…i question the difference between depression and crisis with spiritual crisis where you see your fault s and realize you need to change in order to make for a better life and fix your relationships. love to all

Hey Dave,

i like the way you explain bipolar as a “person” . It makes sense to me. How do you stand up to it without arguing with it? Becuase I think you’ve also said not to argue with someone in a manic episode.

David,

For me the split in allies came when my family told my husband he should leave me. That it would be best to let me go for his sanity.

He has not spoken with them with any respect since. Anyone who knows what it is like to love someone beyond the mask of irrational is pretty good in my book. Because there are definately a lot of good times that more than out way the bad.

I was never enabled..just had real bad episodes with different meds and he knew I wouldn’t be miserable like this for life.

Your wisdom to help me prevent a future episode that tears my family apart is priceless and I am so thankful for all of it and for all who post with insightful information.

We are very open and it definately does take two people…but only can that happen when the BP is in a rational state to realize this is so.

Keep up the good work David!

DAVE, You are so right about the “Divide and Rule” of bi-polar disorder. My boyfriend’s marriage broke up 20 years ago, due to some crazy things he (or rather his bipolar disorder)did. Most of this was financial. His ex-wife never forgave him and turned his 3 children against him. He also comes from a large catholic family and has always been bipolar and therefore the “black sheep”. One brother he was very close to, was probably also bipolar and committed suicide 6 years ago, after which my boyfriend had a complete mental breakdown. He was hospitalised and finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It took the doctors about 4 or 5 years to come up with the right cocktail of drugs that worked for him.

My ex-husband’s story is totally different. He never admitted that he had a problem and still refuses to see a doctor. His daughters blame me for everything. When I tried every possibility to get him into treatment, they got very aggressive towards me. The problem is that they don’t know half of the sort of things he (or his bipolar) did and still believe their Dad is a “god” and I’m the “wicked witch” who ruined him. I was a convenient scapegoat and together they got rid of me. If it hadn’t been for them we would probably still be together and I would have got him the help he needed. But fate wanted otherwise and I have a new life and a new man. My ex has no new life, still joined at the hip to his daughters, but it’s his choice. I know that he is basically a good man and we are remaining friends. Like you say bipolar disorder is like a demon that enjoys to see people fighting and splitting up. It’s sad but true.

Dave, as you know, I am a person with bipolar disorder. I have never witnessed a “split” between loved ones over my illness. When they were both alive, my brother AND my mother would stand as allies against ME, not the bipolar. I was a “bad person” for hurting my mother; I was “buying too much stuff;” I was doing “crazy” things, etc.

I even had a BFF who became my “power of attorney,” who, with my Mom, tried an intervention once; it didn’t succeed. I just calmly told them what I did, how I did it, and why I did it. All my excuses were unacceptable to them both – WHY? – because they blamed ME, MYSELF, and I for things I did while I was in a manic episode!

You must understand that when we “lie,” we honestly BELIEVE our lies; but you have a point. If the Bip is confronted with a lie, it will back down. Actually, the Bip ISN’T that smart. It CAN manipulate and cover its own tracks, but when asked about the truth – it usually will answer truthfully. I don’t know why; that’s just been my experience.

Take for example, my delusion about being pregnant (which I have never been). A student nurse at the State Mental Hospital asked me why I believed I was pregnant. All I could say was, “I believe I am, and there’s nothing you can say that will make me change my mind.” But – it made me think…also, with the delusion that I was a female Jesus. The only thing that would STOP that delusion was – TIME. I had to come to the realization that it WAS a delusion, and I was only hurting myself and others with that belief. When I told my shrink in the State Mental Hospital that I WASN’T Jesus, he just smiled and said, “OK.” I also told him that my father wasn’t really alive (as I had been saying for all the time I was hospitalized), and he said, “You have come to that on your own; I’m proud of you. You’re getting better.”

Delusions ARE some of the worst “lies” we bipolar sufferers have to deal with. Because they are soooo REAL to US, they don’t seem like lies. And – they are VERY tricky. They will invade your conscience AND your thought processes to the point where it is VERY difficult to let them go. WHY? Because they are of some comfort to us, and they put us in a better place. I have one suggestion when a supporter is dealing with a delusion; DON’T confront the sufferer that the delusion is a “lie;” give them TIME to realize it on their own. Sometimes, this takes drastic measures, such as “pink slipping” or involuntary/voluntary hospitalization, to get the medications regulated so that they don’t NEED the delusion to function in their WORLD.

I didn’t ask to be a bipolar sufferer; neither did your loved one. The illness (Bip) is a dis-ease of the mind, and, yes, we ARE screwed up when it hits us. But don’t let our behavior split up those who love us. Dave’s experience with his Dad is exemplary – at least, he finally got his Dad to realize WHAT he was dealing with, and that Dave was SMARTER than the illness.

BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. I will keep you in my prayers – daily.

David,
Divide and conquer seem to be the name of the game for my husband right now. When he first left I called one of who I thought was a mutual friend and told his wife what was going on and to call me. I wanted to talk to him and tell him to keep his eye on my husband if possible. This friend also has depression and a bipolar wife. I thought he would understand. I waited and waited but he never called. My husband then called me and accused me of harrassing our friend. I haven’t spoken to him (the friend) since. My husband’s parents as well are upset with me. At first they were very supportive. They knew about his depression. When things changed and I realized it was bipolar they stopped believing me. I told them My husband HIMSELF told me he had depression, agorophobia, bipolar and OCD tendancies. I also spoke with his doctor. His doctor wasn’t able to speak completely freely with me because of confidentiality but there were a few sessions I was with my husband and in those sessions it was made clear. They think he only has some “emotional difficulties”. He began to tell them I kept our children from him and that I was emotionally abusive towards him. That I was physically violent with him over the years. None of that was true. They told me I was getting bad councel, I needed therapy. He was fine now. It came to a head yesterday when his mother swore in court that although he seemed depresed a number of years since he left he has been happy and that must be a result of a bad marriage. Then both his parents told the judge they loved us both. I have tried to tell them the things he has done but they then say they don’t want to get involved in husband/wife problems. I have tried to send them information about bipolar in an attempt at education. I only got a reply saying that although they thought my attempt was well intended it was to overwhelming and they would not discuss it. I care for my inlaws deeply. I have known them since I was 16 years old. It hurts deeply. I don’t want to be angry with them. It is just so fustrating. I understand though that he is their son and so it would be hard to accept. The stigma around bipolar. Besides, I don’t think they believe it is a real illness. My father in law actually sat down with my children and told them their father had a mental illness but at the time he said it I still believe he was only thinking about the depression. I also think that if my father in law hadn’t gone through depression HIMSELF he might not even believe that. He was an alcoholic for years. It was only a few years ago he realized he was self medicating. He almost lost his family as well. Ironicly my husband is following the same exact patten his father did. Even at almost the same ages. My husband never drank though until a few weeks before he left he began drinking more. I told him it was too much and he stopped but I have no idea what he is doing now. My father in law however, went to detox and AA and saw a therapist. He has been clean and sober and well for a long time. My husband though was the oldest of their children and got the brunt of the abuse. Physical and mental. He saw his mother beat up as well. My husband never laid a hand on me until the last month before he left he came close and after he left I saw him a few times and hit tried to hit me once and missed and the second time shoved me against a wall at our sons birthday. He still denies it though and says I was violnet with him instead. I told him I had witnesses and he told me I was just making them say what I wanted them to. back to divide and conquer. I bought the course on how to try and prevent a divorce but since we are now in the middle of it I don’t know how to stop it. I think I got it too late. I also think my husband needs a different doctor. Well, any doctor since he stopped going in October. He was ordered by the court to get therapy or he wouldn’t be able to have visitation with our children. I don’t know if I can have any imput to find someone good for him. It seems like an oppertunity I might be missing. Since to him a liar and a controling, vindictive witch I don’t see how I can help him.

Dave,
I am so glad that you have this site. I am the one with Bipolar, however my husband suffers from it because of some of my actions. I just wanted to say THANK YOU!!!!

Hi:
This sounds so much like my wife.
She has all the classic signs and symptoms of bipolar disorder, as well as abusing alcohol; but she has been in denial for years and refuses to go to a psychiatrist or seek the treatment taht she needs. Two psychologists referred her to psychiatrists and she just started to try to create wars between me and the psychologists. Then as I tried to be firm with her so that she would seek the treatment that she needed, she started accusing me of abusing her to her family and friends. To make a long story short, she succeded, and now we are in the middle of a nasty divorce.

I totally understand what you mean by the divide and conquer thing. Our son was finally diagnosed with BP just before Thanksgiving. He is now 16 and we had been dealing with the unknown all those years. Very unfortunate that our family lost so much time to this evil. It did divide my husband and I many times. I am actually surprised that we (our marriage) survive through it. I credit God for that miracle. The one thing i could hold-on to through all of it was my faith. So much time, energy, love and happiness was wasted on fighting with eachother. Through the years, three different Dr.’s were unwilling to consider BP as the cause of all our anguish. But I had finally had enough and took a stand and demanded that my son be tested, NOW. Every other course of acting taken proved useless. Lo and behold, he in fact did have BP all along. Not ADHD, not just depression. You can imagine how treating those things went for a person with BP. Very badly! Now I look back and see everything I always told them is written in books as classic BP in kids. I have spend hours educating myself and my son is more stable than I ever thought possible. Their is room to continue to improve but we have made huge strides. Now that I know what the enemy is, I know who to wage war against. That gives me great hope. I agree with you that looking at it as a thing or person is a healthy way to seperate it from your loved one. Now that I can breath just a little, I am seeing that my son isn’t the only one we need to help. It is known that BP is hereditary and in many cases people tend to marry those with similar issues. Birds of a feather, I guess. I now see that both of our families have traits to examine closer. We also have a 14 year old daughter that will be starting counseling in a couple weeks. I went to a therapist for awhile but he had no clue about bipolar so he had helped me as much as he was going to be able to. I need to find someone for myself now. So yes, we were divided. Divided 4 ways and truly conquered. But no more! Thank you David for your help in our on going recovery. God Bless!