Hi,
You know, many people are grateful around Thanksgiving. In fact, many people go around the table at Thanksgiving dinner telling what they are thankful for. One person might be thankful for their friends and family. One person might be thankful for their health. One person might be thankful that they’re getting good grades in school. One person might be grateful that their car is running good this year. One person might be thankful for a happy marriage. One person might be thankful that they have a roof over their heads. And on and on…
While someone with bipolar disorder might simply be thankful that they’re stable at the time.
Especially when stability does not come easily. Some people really have to work at it to become
stable with their bipolar disorder. And some supporters have to work really hard at being good supporters. For some it’s easy, but for others it’s harder. Especially when the person who is so thankful at Thanksgiving stops being so thankful after the holiday is over…And goes back to being their old self. And not their good self, either!
You may have really enjoyed your loved one’s “holiday self,” being on their best behavior…
Being nice to you and everyone else… No starting any fights… No bipolar behavior… No mood swings… No depression… No isolation… No idleness… Or any of the other bipolar behaviors
that they sometimes exhibit. What a wonderful break at Thanksgiving!
But what a letdown after Thanksgiving when they start up all that behavior all over again. Like a balloon that gets a hole popped into it. And all that air comes rushing out. That’s like your loved one, who has been trying to be so good through the Thanksgiving holiday, but now the stress all comes rushing out and they start all their bipolar behavior again.
And who gets the brunt of it? You do. You are their supporter, and the person closest to them.
So you get the worst of it. Most of their worst behavior is directed toward you. Then the stress falls on you. First of all, you’re disappointed, because they were acting so good for the holiday… … and now this.
Then the stress descends on you. You’re walking around on eggshells again… Trying not to do or say anything wrong to set off your loved one and their bipolar behavior and rages. But you’re trying to deal with your own feelings at the same time. And right now, those feelings are pretty negative ones.
You probably resent your loved one for this change in them. You might even be angry at them for how they’re treating you. You could even feel that your situation is hopeless or that your loved one is hopeless, that they’ll never change. You probably feel disappointed that things aren’t staying as good as they were at Thanksgiving. You might even feel betrayed by your loved one, feeling as if they have let you down. You might be depressed now, feeling sad that your
loved one is acting like their old negative self, acting out on old behaviors.
But it is normal to feel these feelings. Many supporters feel these types of feelings after the Thanksgiving holiday when things go back to “normal.”
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
I have read your pages and I this is wonderful information.
On a visit to the doctor she mentioned that I may be bipolar she did not say I was but that is why I looked this up.
Even though I have worked with bipolar patients I wonder how I would feel, and wanted to be able to recognize the symptoms
Thanks for the information
I am a person with bipolar disorder. I know what many are going thru around this time of the year. I am pretty stable. My thanksgiving was good until 2 days ago. Now the mood swings are starting. I take the advice of my therapist and doctor. I go thru this every year. It starts about the same time every year also. My supporter is my husband and he does a really good job supporting me. Also my family supports me. I really enjoy getting your e-mails. They have been a real big help to me. They are so full of information. Keep up the good work. Hope you and your family have a Merry Christmas.
Had great Thanksgiving and have been bi-polar for 40+ years. Problem is my spouse. Our therapist agrees she suffers from obsessive=compulsive and borderline bi-polar issues. After spending a pretty nice holiday the hour ride home we didn’t talk. We have been married for 36 years this month and have had maybe total of 6 months of happy marriage. She is very angry and jealous and feels like God has not loved her. I can’t make her happy but can only pray and continue to make myself happy. She does make it difficult to keep my self esteem healthy Have any ideas?
We have a son who was ADHD and ADD and perhaps is bi-polar. He does not take any meds. and his mother loves him to death but he and I seem to be more than she can handle
I was stable during Thanksgiving and continue to be. It is hard to keep the behaviors of stable, but I am working hard to enjoy like and be positive.
David, I just got around to reading your email regarding “After Thanksgiving”. Well, I am the main supporter of my son who is 15, almost 16 on Dec 10. He has been diagnosed Bipolar I (mixed) full depression. I knew my son had been very depressed several weeks prior to Thanksgiving. There were sooo many signs. I look back now and feel so stupid for not acting out more on the signals. I’ve been at for two and half years with him. I’m really just now learning some differences in his mood. He battles the depression most of the time and also substance abuse. He told me on Thanksgiving he felt a little sick and did not want to go to his uncle’s house to eat. So, I actually thought it was okay to go, but only stayed for an hour and a half. Came back and he was groggy which was not abnormal. Later that day, I just felt something was not right with him. I took all of his meds and his weekly box and did a count. I was shocked to find that alot of pills were missing that were just filled the day before. I finally got it out of him where his pills were and what he had done…. yes, he had taken them on purpose. He told me he wanted to die because he felt like he was never going to get better. Is there anyone out there that give a word to me and my son, that things will someday be better. We are yet to be stable. Been through every medication out there. Nothing really seems to work for him. He was okay from trying to overdose, but I can’t forgive myself for not staying and believing that he was ok. Sad and Lost Mom
I have a question/comment. Dave, you mention that bipolar disorder comes along with rages in several different blogs you have posted. I find this difficult to digest. I have never accepted the raging and abusing. It is simply not healthy for the family, as it affects the atmosphere of a home and makes the nervous system of the family members very unstable !
Someone with bipolar should be held to the same standards as someone without bipoolar. We cannot walk in an AT&T store and rage and threaten and get away with it, nor would we want to. We cannot throw chairs and typewriters or get up in peoples faces, just because we feel like it, yet you write that with bipolar this is part of it. Perhaps no-one has held the bipolar person accountable for their destructive behavior. It is not normal and the minute we accept it as “well they have rages” it is us who have gone crazy. Intolerable behavior should never be allowed, especially when it is used to manipulate you with. Family members can only take so much crap from one person. And another thing, there is a huge difference in someone who has bipolar and has episodes but realizes how they behave and wants to change their behavior or take the medications that hold that behavior in check. It is completely different when a person with bipolar et al, refuses to acknowledge how their behavior affects other people around them. It is not normal to rage. It is not normal to verbally abuse just for sport. And it should not be tolerated in the name of “oh well, they are bipolar” or whatever. The behavior is stuck below 5 years old and that is the awful truth. You cannot have an adult relationship with someone who behaves like a pre-kindergartener !
I too remember the day I went to work and left my daughter ( who was in a suicidal mood) I was new to the supporter role and I felt so frustrated with Rachel ( for being in the suicidal mood) and angry at myself for feeling helpless and therefore useless because I thought I could be of no help at all.So i left her to it.
I now know what I should do in this worse case senario :
Do not start up my own private guilt factory- because bipolar has never been somebody’s fault and bipolar like asthma is a problem that has to be addressed overcome and managed and I have to get over my personal grief and misery because my daughters life is at risk right now!.
and put plan A into action now :
Call up the hospital/Psychiatrist, her psychiatric nurse , her support peer immediately and get help immediately – regardless of what she says ( the last time I did this Rachel was so angry with me she wouldn’t let me see her for several weeks whilst she was in critical care but shes still alive to tell the story – Because I know, if Rachel wants to suicide – theres every chance she will.
Don’t be sad be real -because you don’t have much time- I had had to learn to persist with health authorities , hospitals because the best place for very unwell children is in a place where they can get the best of care and was very very hard to get Rachel admitted – mental health beds in public health facilities are very hard to come by and caregivers have to prove their loved one is the most at risk most critical patient to get that attention I have fought tooth and nail at times to get the interests and issues of my daughter put before those in the mental health system so that they will look at her case in a favorable light.
Most of all I plead with all mums to look after themselves and dont give up- please don’t give up on your loved one.
The greatest lesson I have learn’t from David is to never give up – your child will recover – these suicidal thoughts are temporary, your child will recover – I know this because my beautiful daughter has.it has taken over 2 years for her to recover and to begin to learn to manage the bipolar it has been a long journey that still goes on .
I love my daughter thank you David for all the help and assistance you have shared with all of us supporters worldwide.you are a remarkable soul.
regards
Shona
Thank you Dave; you hit the proverbial nail on it’s head. I am a supporter of my husband. All through this Thanksgiving, my husband was in deep despair over my stepdaughter who is at the suicidal end of BPD. Since he stepped into his daughter’s life several months ago, I have watched him decline in his own mental and emotional stability. I’m not sure how to respond to him, or help him, because I, too, would be doing everything I could do to help my own daughter. A true dilemma !!
Might I get feedback from anyone with a similar circumstance?
We were taught that during the during the worst depressions to keep someone “wrapped around” / close by/ keep watch. This has kept my older son alive and my younger one. Their depressions were more from the high anxiety of trauma, however, so they may be different. And again when antidepressants are started, adolescents must be wrapped around for a couple of months – meaning put a plan in action to have friends with them at all times. Do not allow any time to be alone. Or be the one that is with them at all times. You can do this without really letting on that you are hovering, which you are doing. That is why they put a blackbox warning on these meds – and you just do what you would do from your gut for your child. Not leave them alone. I had neighbors take turns for 2 hours at at time, for my older one, friends, teachers, really pulled out the troops. My younger one I’m with 24/7 anyway, so I just kept a more carful watch on him, and was still a bit nervous even when I got in the shower. They have both told me how important it was and how it made a difference. My younger one said he would have killed himself (again it had to do with trauma and abuse issues that were driving his anxiety and literally killing him medically) anyway, he later said he would have done it but he could not figure out how. My older one had a plan but it was stopped because he was never left alone. And I had the 6th sense that they were not ok alone. The father/ husband, however, talked about killing himself for 17 years, never had a plan, never attempted. He would threaten suicide to get his way and be manipulative. The kids heard this for years. What I have learned is that people who really want to kill themselves don’t ever talk about it, until they get through it. The kids and I are recovering from trauma and abuse so it is a different walk but the depression is partly the same.
I think the main problem with those labelled bipolar is their lack of skills in dealing with stressful situations. Many of these people have been abused as children. If they would have been loved, cared for, and taught the skills necessary for living, I think they would not be labelled bipolar or have the problems that make them a danger to themselves and to others. Many bipolar individuals just don’t understand their own feelings so that whenever they have feelings, they get wierd and freak out. the drugs they are given basically numb their feelings so that they don’t have to deal with them. These people still exhibit social retardedness in many ways. At least they can be excused for their behavior since it isn’t really their fault if they were abused rather than loved. we all have chemical imbalances, mood shifts, from time to time. But most people have learned how to deal with their feelings and to cope with stressful situations. Rather than dope these bipolar people up with harmful drugs the authorities should require these unfortunate individuals to learn how to deal with their feelings. It’s not likely to happen though because the pharmaceutical companies are only interested in killing people.
This all sounds too familiar. My husband has Bipolar II. Every holiday is a “crapshoot”. We either have a great time, or a horrific holiday. I have been left alone on Christmas Eve because he was mad over “too much to do” around the holidays. So-there I was taking our children’s gifts out of the attic and doing the Santa thing myself wondering when/if he would arrive back home before the early morning. Then, we had some Chirstmas’s where his gifts sat under the tree for 3 days because he was “just not in the mood” to open them on Christmas morning with every one else. Every New Year’s I would have tears in my eyes as we would celebrate at midnite. Every January, I would think-“maybe this year will be so much better, because it can’t get too much worse”. And-of course-that was a false sense of hope. This past year, my husband finally agreed started counseling and is staying on his antidep. meds (after he found out I had seen a lawyer seeking a divorce.) He is at least working on a better holiday. He is decorating earlier in hopes that the crazy holiday rush 7-10 days before Christmas isn’t as intense and will be more enjoyable for all of us. I probably approach this holiday with the least amount of anxiety because of some positive changes that he (we) have made. All I can do is keep my chin up, think positive and hope for a slight miracle!! Wish me luck!