The “BAILOUT”, doesn’t work! You “think” your helping, but in reality, your just not helping anyone! Not the person you bailed out, and certaily not yourself! Been there done that, and have regreted it emensley! Actually am suffering the consiquesces of just that, right now, um hum, in December of all times.
Two years ago at this time of year….I ran to my daughters side to rescue her as she couldn’t afford a Christmas present for my 13 year old grandson (both are diagnosed bi-polar) I co-signed for a guitar for him. Little did I know that she NEVER made ONE payment on the instrument, nope not one. Until just the other day when the music store charged my bank account over 300 dollars. Now I live on disability due to an injury a few years ago. So, 300 dollars is on fourth of my monthly income. This event has damaged my finances, bounced my accout to the amount of 404 dollars so far. No, Christmas for my husband or myself or any of my 7 grandchildren this year. I will be amazed if I can actually put food on the table for the month….sigh…..
And her response was, I WILL PAY YOU THE FULL AMOUNT AS SOON AS I CAN, MOM! Um hum……SHE is angry at ME! MY FAULT….yup, and I KNEW it would be that way, it always is, normally she texts me everynight and tells me goodnight and says she loves me…..I have gotten nothing from her sense I let her know what happend. NOPE!
About 5 years ago, my eldest daugther, also bi-polar, and has MS, needed to get out from a car loan that was just taking all her extra money for food, etc. every month after a divorce…..and ask for help. I refinanced my home, payed off her car…..4800 dollars. She agreed to make payments to me of 150 a month, half of what she had been paying the finance co. a month….I got one check from her that bounced, then she didn’t speak to me for 3 years…..a year ago she sold the car, and gave her new boyfriend the money she got for it…..and I KNOW I will never see any payback on that venture either.
I look back now, and realize I didn’t HELP them one bit, and I certainly didn’t help myself. In there minds it’s all MY fault…..someone has to take the blame! I have a new rule now, YOU don’t ask me for financial help, and I won’t ask you……!
It’s that way with everything, though, money, emotional, physical, you have to learn to really guard yourself, or an individual with bi-polar will suck you dry and leave you as usless. I honestly don’t believe they MEAN to do this, I believe it is just a symptom of the diease. I love both of my daughters, and am so sorry they suffer from this mental illness as did their father who passed away tragically at the age of 26, his bi-polar actions took him before his time. This diease, is cronic, it is passed down and down and down, it can ruin lives and complete families, if you don’t learn how to control it and yourself! And yes, I say “IT” as if IT is the enemy, just as Dave describes IT ….because that is the only way I know how to relate to the damages “IT” can cause.

I agree with you we should not bail out all these banks and auto makers! We need to bail out the people in forclosure to help them save their homes and keep roofs over their kids heads! What is wrong with this country? A president long ago said do not let the banks and corps run this country cause they will force the families and workers out on the streets, staving with nothing to help them. Well this is going on now and the Government isnt helping thoose who truely need the help! How about all the disabled people who dont get enough money to live on with S.S.I? they are thw true helpless with the elderly! Free country my ass it is only free to the wealthy!

I just wanted to let Dave know that I have been receiving emails, newsletters, links and great other resources and advice for so long now that it’s about time I said thank you. I have never responded or posted but I do sit back and read and read and re read information that has been shared. Knowing that someone ( and I know there are many) gets this info out and shares their experience every day makes it very comforting.

I have been supporting my daughter who was diagnosed very young with Bipolar and who is now an adult through many ups and downs and to say the least it’s been a messy road but we are living everyday as best we can. The positive support from family and friends as well as this constant flow of emails from Dave almost everyday makes it soooooo much easier.

I cannot thank you enough for your time and dedication and hope that through this very crucial time in our world that we can take one day at a time and do what we can to ensure a better world for our children.

Thank you again and with all our thoughts and prayers from our family to yours…..
L.M

I totally agree with y9ur latest email David , you don’t keep throwing money into a ‘black hole’ so to speak.
My grandmother always used to use the old age ‘neither a borrower or a lender be’

Sometimes I think the politicians should stop thinking about the big bucks and consider how their actions now will affect the average Jo on the street.

I can relate. I am working on getting my spouse some help. I had to file for divorce to force her to get help. She agreed to see a therapist during this process. She agreed to do this if I did not make her leave the home during this. I do not want to divorce her, I did this to get her help. I will dismiss this and move on with our lives. I have been bailing her our for some time and cannot do it anymore. She has seen the therapist 2 times and it is now her turn to make the move and be accountable for her actions. I love her and want to help her but I cannot do it for her. We have 5 children and do not want this to turn out bad for their sake. I was raised to stick it out until the end and to not give up on each other. In her mind she thinks there is nothing wrong. This is her distorted reality and her distorted reality of me. I pray this will work out in the end.

Thank you,
Have a good day.

For absoluely years, my mom and dad were constantly bailing me out, at that time we didn’t know it was Bipolarism that was causing my problems. Now mom and dad don’t have to “bail me out”, finally I’m on the right medications and lead a relatively normal life. I work and go to school, I’ve started paying my bills on time, and I’m working on really deep cleaning my whole house. Life is good and I even have a potential partner. Notice that I listed him last, because alot of Bipolars feel like they have to have someone else in their life, the codependent working in them. Life is great once you find the “right cocktail” (meds.) Have a great day everyone!!!

Dave, I agree with your idea of bailouts but there was one thing I don,t agree with.I like that you don’t think G.M should be bailed out.Your right about the way that upper managent waste money by makeing bad desicions and receiveing millions of dollars in salerys that they didn’t deserve.The part about over pying there emploies is where I dissagree. I worked on the assembly line for 23 years and had to take retiremint dissabilty for mental illness(Bipolar). Beleve me assemblers earn every dollar they make for the work they do. Not only because of doing the same thing 8 to 10 hours every day.But also for the mental abuse they get from lower and middle management.They believe that anything that works on paper should work when it’s being assebbeled If it doesn’t they expect you to make it work.Icould go on and on about why assembly line workers are not over paid.You don’t know how it is unless you been there.Thank you for giving me the chance to let you know what it’s like to work for G.M. James Fioravanti

Hi David,
You are right, where do we start. I know after I am finised exturning I need to get a job, Once I get a job who do I go to for help? I have 40,000. debt. I did try and contact CCCS they never returned my calls. Maybe because I live in Cali. Most of those places just try to rob you. I have tried haggeling with the credit card companies- I suck at it. I cant ever answer my phone without screening my calls. Seems I keep getting deeper in debt. I walked away from a mortgage I could not afford. I ran and hid. I feel that all I can do now is hide. I have ruined my credit and my name, so I ask you for help in the right direction on who can help me fix this without me going to jail, or getting the little money I have taken faster? I have no income, SSI denied me twice, even though I worked for 12 years- unemployment also denied me-said I was not able to do my usual occupation-that I needed to be retrained. So I am at the end of the retraining and determined to get a job when I am finished. I do need help as far as my debt goes, I just do not kow who is really out there to help or to hurt????

Thanks David,
Karen

This is in response to Jonelle W. letter. I wish we could talk one on one. I have a similar situation at my house. My husband isn’t the father of my son, but he is hurt because i am hurt by the things my son says/does. The lies he gives me to beg for money, the promises that never quite get done. The list is long and sounds like your situation. I don’t have any answers, only questions, but i have learned a couple of things.
First of all, I have had to “cut my son off” as far as money. My husband laid down the law, and i don’t want to lose my marriage. (he had every right to do that, i think). So i told my son no more money, and now i haven’t heard from him in over 2 months because of that. I worry constantly, but i have decided that he will work it out because he does need to be responsible for his own actions. (my son is 45 years old).
The second thing i have learned is NO_ONE but a mother can understand a mothers love for her child. I cannot turn off my love no matter what my son does or says. I can only hope he makes the right choices from now on, because i will be there for him, but not with my checkbook. I ache inside and my hope is that i am able to see him again sometime. From years of experience i know he remains mad at me for a long time when i turn him down, but i finally realized that i wasn’t really helping him.
Bipolar is a sad sad disorder and bottom line is that you can only help the person with the disorder so much. They do have to do the rest.
I hope you get some relief from all of your pain. It is hard to be stern with them, but it is what we should do.
Just do your best and that is all we can do. Pray for strength. This seems to help me.
Most of all, don’t quit loving the person that is hurting with this disorder.
Good luck to you.

My husband divorced me because I did not bail him out. I thought I was doing the right thing but obviously I wasn’t. I am now alone and he is living with a woman who is 19 years younger than he is.
This non-bailing out can really back fire!

Thanks Dave, my parents have been bailing out my bipolar sis for 10+ years, and the last few years it has gotten much worse, i.e. they make her house payment, car payment, pay insurance, etc. She has never changed, in fact, she has only gotten worse. I will pass this along to them…
Does anyone have any advice for me about how I can get me sis to go work with a doctor and get the “right cocktail”? How do I reason with her when she is in hypomania and doesn’t think there’s anything wrong?
God bless!

Dear Dave,
I have read every newsletter I have received from you. You inspire me and give me strenght to continue loving and caring about my granddaughter who is bipolar.
Kristina was diagnosed when she was 12 years old. I raised her since she was 2 yrs. old. Her mother was unable to care for her due to drug and alcohol abuse. Looking back, I realized that her Mom must have been bipolar also. Unforunately, she did not have any support from her family, friends, or medical/mental treatment. She committed suicide ( I’m almost sure that it was an accidental overdose, since it was her wedding night to her second husband) .
I took care of Kristina from age two until twenty yrs. old. I did everything for her. I looked into every medical/mental health treatment that was available to help her. Her dad and I did everything possible to help her with bipolar disorder. She was in residential treatment in four different institutions. We bailed her out of jail, paid for apartments, made all her appointments, you name it we did it for her. She had a bany when she was 19 years old and she could not cope with taking care of her. I raised her baby while she went all over with her crazy friends. Always called to let us know where she was, almost alwaya needing money which we sent.
Two years ago, I finally got so very tired of doing everything she said she could not do herself. I put my foot down and told her that she as old enough and smart enough to do for herself. I told her I would not make appointments, make phone calls, arrange welfare,or any kind of other benefits for her. By this time whe was pregnant again. I told her to seek her own medical care for herself and unborn baby and find a place to live with the father of the baby.
Everytime she needed something, she would call me and ask me if I could do for her, I said NO, said she perfectly capable of doing everything for herself.
Eventually she started making her own phone calls, getting her own benefits, looking for her own apartment. He son is 6 months old. She and her fiance moved to California and is taking great care of her baby. She visited for Thanksgiving and seems to be doing good. She now takes care of all of her own business and so proud of herself. Needless to say I am also very proud of her.
Thank you so much for all your great advice.

Hi Dave: I totally agree with you on the bailout. I think the millions of dollars the Big 3 want could be invested in the health care field. I am sure alot of people would benefit from this, instead of the corporate mongers benefiting from their outrageous wages and just a fine way of living. Mismanagement should not be rewarded, plus it is just a bandaide.

You know, it really is your own, personal decision if you want to help someone or “bail them out.” It is your choice where to spend your time, your money and your concern. It is often said, “No one owes anyone anything.”

Regardless if it is your family or even very best friend who is suffering, you are NOT required to offer a helping hand.

The world has become a very cold and insensitive place where ‘only the strongest survive.’ Sometimes we have to step over others to get to be first to the finish line. Well, so be it. The world is what it is.

I’ve been hurting because my family has condemned me for asking for help. But, that does not mean that my story applies to any of you who may be reading my entry. Maybe my life is just the exception.

I hope that God blesses you all and that you have supporters willing to help you in your time of need.

First of all, based on my experiences as being diagnosed as having bipolar I disorder for a little over 12 years since November 1996, I at first went into a lot of debt while I was in college and when I first started teaching because of the excessive spending. Well first, my mother bailed me out. Then when I got married to my husband of 6 years after telling him that I had bipolar disorder after we first married due to his noticing that I was spending atrociously during our honeymoon back in New Orleans, he bailed me out twice. Now, I turned around and went back into debt without listening to the Word of God through him (my husband-he’s an ordained minister that can put up with my bipolar disorder). And this time, whatever debt I have made, neither he nor my mother can bail me out. Period. Therefore, I have decided to grow up and take full responsibilities of my actions whether I have bipolar or not to pay off the debt that I made myself. My mother-in-law suggested that I live within my means. She means getting whatever you need. And when that money’s gone, you don’t go out and get more money. That is one of my spiritual battles. The Bible says in Proverbs 22: 26 in the Contemporary English Version, ” Dont’ guarantee to pay someone else’s debt. If you don’t have the money you might lose your bed.” Whether you guys are Christians or not, please mark the Word of the Lord. I believe this is God speaking through me. Although I will NOT mention my real name, but if you continue to allow your loved one to keep bailing you out of debt, then they will not only be a co-dependent of your debt, but eventually, they will get tired of you spending. If anybody is a devout Christian, you also may want to read Proverbs 22:16 in the CEV or any Bible version (KJV, NCV, LB, etc.) “Cheat the poor to make profit or give gifts to the rich-either way you lose.” I am now learning from my mistakes. I have to ask God to bail myself out of debt. Because if I don’t pay my debt that I made in my name, then chances are, the creditors will come after my husband, and he had already said that he would have to get rid of me. And I don’t want that to happen to me. I am ALMOST in my mid-30’s, and you CANNOT bail out of your situation by using bipolar as an excuse. Period. I am still in debt due to the fact that a scammer from the U.K. sent me one of his client’s checks to me for $3000.00. I deposited the check in my bank on Nov. 21st of this year and on the 25th of last month, the check bounced, causing me to have a -$2750.00. And the bank could NOT do anything about it once the bad check was cashed after I immediately contacted them. If anybody has or had Bank of America, please let me know (you can remain anonymous, and of course, I won’t NEED anyone’s account number, either) so I can officially be delivered from credit card debt and excessive spending. And plus, I had a very BAD Thanksgiving because of all this added stress. Next time, not only will I listen to my mother, but I will submit to my husband if he tells me that this so and so is a scam! Also, I had two arguments with my father who has Alzheimer’s Disease and a negative comment from my husband saying that I was still spending because I brought to my parents’ house while visiting them over the holidays, a lot of Walmart bags. Therefore I got angry and wrote to http://www.bipolarconnect.com about him and how my family was making me angry. At first, I had two positive comments. However, my help from the website became extremely not helpful when one guy not only did not approve of my marrying to a older guy (he will be 65 next Monday), but he told me that he did not think that I was mature enough to handle a relationship [with anybody] young or old. Well, I won’t be writing those kinds of blogs ever again unless it’s positive. My mother and son’s great aunt from Alabama on his father’s side of the family said that I brought that on myself. And now I am taking FULL responsibilities of my actions. One last thing, Proverbs 25:9 and 10 says,”When you and someone else can’t get along, don’t gossip about it. Others will find out, and your reputation will then be ruined.” CEV. Also, in the same Bible version, James 1: 26 says that “If you think [this GOES for me, too ’cause I gotta practice what I preach] you are being religious, but can’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourselves, and everything you do is useless.” I am starting to learn the differences between a need and a want. A need is something that I have to have. And a want is something that can either wait or due without unless you have extra money to spend after you’ve paid ALL of your bills. Right now, I am starting to hate using credit cards. The best thing to do is use debit card!

without the bailout who will fund the insurance providers that pay the doctors?

When money is involved, people shy away. No one wants to give money to someone in need, unless they absolutely have to. If a survivor takes advantage of a supporter’s kindness or continues to abuse street drugs or not take their medication or see their therapist or psychiatrist, I can see where a ‘bail out’ would not make sense.

But, for those in my situation, that scenario is not true. I go to all my appointments, I see my therapist, I take my medication, I go to the groups. Nonetheless, I am attacked personally for not keeping a job, not getting over the grief of a loss of a parent, and not measuring up to my family’s standards.

I have taken my mom as a responsibility. I could just walk away and say, “No one else will do it, why should I?” I could just say, “I am 45 years old now, I need a life of my own, screw it.” I could be selfish, leave the state for a high paying job, but I continue to live in an impoverished area with little jobs and little hope.

Sometimes I am selfish. Sometimes I say, “Why me?” “Why do I have to go through all of this? “Why won’t someone help me?” “Why doesn’t any of our family care?” I get so angry, I become suicidal. I overdose and try to kill myself.

Perhaps Mary is right, I am bitter and angry. But, who wouldn’t be? I know everyone has some problem, big or small. I am not saying my problems are bigger or more important than anyone else’s.

I feel as the world is against me. I cannot do it all alone. I won’t do it all alone.

I have never felt the need to comment but the bailout mail struck a chord, I have bi-polar which was diagnosed a year ago but i have suffered from mental ilness for 9years, starting after i lost a child. In the beggining i was irresponsible with money and in many different ways, my marriage went through hell (we were married a6 years this 28th november) so our marriage has survived, and i think its to a large extent to the fact that i have taken responsibilty for the consequences of my illness. I try and i say try because i do not always succeed, to think ahead of my ilness, think ahead and plan when i see an episode coming on. I take responsibilty for my meds, i fortunately have a good shrink who allows me leaway with my meds, she is 400kms from my home as i live in an african country with a scarcity of mental health professionals. my mom on the other hand is a totally different keetle of fish, she has never been diagnosed with bipolar cause she refuses to go see anyone but i reckon she has it, she lives with us (the worst decision of my life but one i had to make) and she has racked up massive debt over the last few years and has no way to pay (she lost most of her retirenebt money through bad debt and economics) and we give her a monthly allowance. We would bail her out now and then but we decided 6 months ago to stop (mainly because i was not working again, i quit stupid, stupid stupid) anyway the point of this whole discussion is that she is now forced to take responsibilty and i am forced to not feel guilty.

Hi David

I have a slightly different issue, my wife is more of a Bipolar II diagnosis, thereby not so prominent on the manic side and therefore not to many bailouts through recklessness (not any actually) She’s more on the depressed side than anywhere else. A very unique scenario and totally new to me, since i always just had to deal with the lows, has now stuck out it’s head, wahoo, she’s manic, however it also seems that she’s rather mixed, she overnight decided (wrong thing to do in any low or high state) that we are getting a divorce and not because of me, it’s us that doesn’t work and she needs to set me and herself free then we’ll both be happier. She needs to liberalise herself and becomes a person. She saying all this in a very cheerful mood and there is no animosity at all between us. She’s also been on her medication faithfully over the last two years because I’m the one giving it to hear ensuring that she doesn’t skip. Meanwhile, she also has this new friend (male) whom she claims is purely a friend.

She also saw the lawyer already and strangely, wanted to bounce the issues that she raised with her lawyer off me almost as if wanting me to vet whether she phrased it correctly. Meanwhile, she wants me to agree that she can go out with this friend, and quite naturally I don’t, yet she continues to do so. Two days later, she moved in with her mom and stepdad apparently to focus on her studies (exams due in less than a week) however only to have him around for nearly the whole day and cause confusion with our children and go out at night. Neither her mom nor her stepdad is really correcting her behaviour ’cause they never showed an interest and in my view her mom is partly cause of her condition through history. Stepdad simply wants to be her hero since she has never accepted him as a father figure and therefore, instead of correcting her behaviour and gain acceptance for giving direction in her life, ’cause we’re not divorced yet, he’d rather give her pocket money for her gallivanting with her new friend thinking through that he’ll gain her acceptance.

She swears high and low that this is only a pure friendship relationship and that nothing sexual at least, have happened or will happen. I can sort of belief this for now since the man is quite a low self-esteem character who informed her that he does not want to be part of a triangle since he needs to protect himself but would consider after our divorce. He even “broke up” with her upon which she re-established the relationship the same day. He told me that she’s the one trying to make up his mind for him and she’s telling him that she could love him. When I confronted her with this, she kept silent, meaning that she is really the one doing all this, yet in the same breath, she’ll persist that nothing has and will happen and they will remain friends, by the way, he’s leaving for Cape Town and then Germany in less than a week.

She also admitted to me that she knows she is going to burn (a clear indication that this is irrational behaviour) but has to carry on with this friendship. She wants to meet up with him in Cape Town in the second week for a week of holiday upon which she will return (It is at this point that I won’t be so sure she’ll remain chaste). She still maintains that this would simply be a trip with her friend and nothing will happen.

What must I do? Please help, am I giving in to her irrational demands or should I simply confiscate her passport?

I largely agree but suggest you cannot – should not – assume this is correct in all cases. More pragmatism is needed! Let me give a real-life example in the current economy …

Suppose the government had not bailed out the banks: What do you think would have been the consequences? Thousands of ordinary Joes would lose their jobs from the banks and be left without work because a) there’s not be any vacancies in their line of expertise (financial services) and b) there’d not be any other paid jobs out there, either! Why? Because literally millions of people, the world over, would have lost all their savings, very few people would have any money at all left to buy anything, with no one buying anything retailers abd manufacturers would collapses and more and more and more people would lose their jobs, hit poverty street and ….oh year, they’d not have any savings worth a dime to buy food, medicine and …. here’s the rub … able to support their families. So, you think THIS recession is going to be bad? THAT kind of recession would have been a disaster for the USA and all its trading partners.

If you let the banks collapse, there’d have been a domino effect that would have wreaked economic devastation into every corner of everyone in the land. Even some of the super rich could lose their shirts!

Sure, if you take away someone’s crutch they may be able to walk without it, and that is good for them. But when you take away their crutch you may find a long long list of others who are dependent on them and the others, quite innocently, just as well all depend on someone.

How does this relate to BP? It might not in 99% of cases – I don’t know. But it may do so. So, before you push your loved one to be more self sufficient, or whatever, be alive to the consequences of doing that and how it may affect others.

have been dating a man for last 8 months who is bipolar. understanding more (from this sight) about bailing out. he is a wonderful man. finally in rehab for alcohol abuse. seems he is always asking for something. in last 3 weeks have only seen him on thanksgiving. do believe i love him. this sight is helping me understand more and more. understand how much it hurts when you CAN’T help. i love him so but not sure i trust. really want to though. can some one tell me if i’m being stupid. can’t control who we love but should i?