Hi,
How are you?
I know how hard it is to be a supporter to a loved one with bipolar disorder, because I am one, and because I attend so many support groups, and because I talk to and hear from so many other supporters too.
But I also know that we make mistakes, because nobody is perfect.
Like Tonya points out, who posted on my blog.
Here’s what she wrote:
“After 5 years of being a Bipolar
Supporter, I have found the
hardest thing is to differentiate
between care giver and supporter
vs. mothering and nurse maid.
Reminding someone who is
bipolar of the things they need
to do each day makes me a nag,
but not reminding them causes
repercussions that affect all our
lives. Where is the line and how
do you keep it?”
————————————————
One of the biggest mistakes a supporter of a loved one with bipolar disorder can make is to go from supporter to enabler.
I talk about this in my courses/systems below:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
It’s just like Tonya was asking, “Where do you draw the line?”
She’s talking about the line between caregiver and supporter vs. mothering and nursemaid.
You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve been asked this very same question.
So if you’ve been wondering it yourself, be assured that you are not alone.
Many supporters struggle with the same problem.
So now that you know what the line is, how do you keep from getting there?
Well, let’s look at Tonya’s situation.
Here’s the first clue:
She says that this has been going on for FIVE years!
She should have done something about this long before now.
You’ve heard me talk before about accepting unacceptable behavior.
That if you do this, your loved one has no reason to stop the behavior, and will keep on doing it.
That’s when you have to become a mother and nursemaid.
I mean, why should they expect any different?
If you keep doing things for them that they can do for themselves, that’s called being an enabler.
But if they get used to you doing that, then they won’t do things for themselves.
They’ll just let you keep doing these things.
Then, before you know it, you’re being like Tonya says in her post:
“Reminding them of things they need to do each day…” and feeling like you’re a nag.
After 5 years, especially, your loved one should be doing many things for themselves.
They shouldn’t need you to be nagging them at all.
So where is the line and how do you keep it?
As a supporter, you need to be the one to draw the line.
You need to tell your loved one what is acceptable behavior and what is unacceptable behavior.
You need to tell them when they are being lazy, what things they need to be doing for themselves, what you will do for them and what you won’t, etc.
Tonya also asked, once you find the line, how do you keep it?
Simple.
You set boundaries (limits), and then you stick to them. Kind of like an “If you…then I…” sort
of thing.
Do you feel like Tonya?
Do you feel more like a mother and nursemaid?
Or do you feel more like a caregiver and supporter?
If you feel more like a caregiver and supporter, what would you say to Tonya to help her out?
Post responses below
Yes, I feel like Tonya. You make it sound so easy to draw boundries. I too, have been dealing with a person who has bi-polar. Drawing the line with someone who isn’t bi-polar is easy, but when someone has bi-polar and you are involved with that person or married to that person you suffer consquences from them not taking responsiblity. We now owe thousands of dollars, because he did not take bi-polar seriously. He has been in jail, we almost lost our home, our credit is shot and he takes his meds if i remind him. Well excuse me but I will remind him, I am not leaving my life up to him. He has been on the right meds for 2 years now, and is doing good. But if he has an episode, he self medicates with booze and drugs and damn to everything and everyone else. I have drawn the one boundry i feel safe with, making sure he takes his meds. If he starts to have an episode again, I will try to get him help, but if he refuses, (and there is a time frame before it is full blown) then I will leave. The bigger problem, is that the laws to help an adult love one when they are in an episode ruining their life and anyone connected is the bigger problem. I tried to get the police to help me get him into a hospital and they refused unless i pressed charges. Which in the end created even more issues and problems for both of us.
Just my opinion
Patti
Hey, David I was an enabler to my second husband Joe, until he said he would kill me if I wouldn’t leave. He was in a bipolar episode and would not willingly go to the hospital. I asked his Doctor to have him committed, but she decided against it. I told her that he refused to take his medicine, and some of the weird things he was doing. I had been an enabler, by supporting his smoking – actually buying them for him . He finally was picked up by the police and put in the mental hospital. After I left him, I had a crisis team go a few times to try and talk him into going to the hospital, but he was not willing to go. He tried to sell everything in our apartment while I was gone and did not get any money from the drug addicts that he gave things to sell. After he went into the hospital, I went back home and found anything that could be carried out was gone, chairs to our dining room set, pots and pans, toaster oven, microwave etc. The bed and a few piecces of very heavy furniture wers all that was left in the house.
When I got on the web site for support I felt bad. One Lady said it was not about me but my son. I understand that. But she could hear the way my son talks to me, she to would be hurt. I just wanted to find support so I can help my son. But that it not what I found. I am sorry to say I will not tell anyone about this so called support group. I will deal with this on my own. Wanda
Good Morning,
Yesterday and today have been repeat topics – Where’s Dave – is everything okay?
I am new at being a caregiver and supporter of a relitive with bipolar. recently we had a manic episode that has now resulted in a big crash. I understand that is normal. My relitive has stopped eating and doesn’t want medication anymore. I have tryed to help manage the stress but legal issues involving ex significant others and children make this a very hard time. My neices heart is breaking and i am not sure how to help. Her mother disowned her and I am the only family she has to turn to. Please any ideas would be helpful. I would prefer this email not be made public.
Thank you
Auntie
What type of bipolar people are you talking about? My understanding of this “mental Disorder” is that it causes no more than severe mood changes. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about 12yrs ago, and I NEVER came across any situation where I even faced the temptation of abusing anyone’s support. If anything I, at the most, had to adjust my response to actions in my environment! After 12yrs of adjusting to the drastic change facing the chemical balance in my brain, due to a severe head trauma, I realized nothing changed in my world other than the new found need to CALM DOWN more than the average human being. But, then again every once in a while, isn’t it considered completely normal to over-react? As someone diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I simply focus greater attention on remaining calm… Even in stressful situations!!!
As a person with bipolar disorder, I think we are sometimes unaware how much we “appear” to need mothering or enabling, which is not the case. Instead, we need encouragement to act independently. Many of us have fears about doing things for ourselves which don’t make sense. Laziness can also be part of it, as noted in the article. Those of you with bipolar children especially should take the time to be positive with your kids about their abilities, letting them know it’s okay to step away and do their thing, even if you don’t always agree with the outcome.
HI TO YOU ALL WHO IS READING THIS…..
I think once you have fallen in to a pattern you dont realize how much you are actually doing.Then other people sort ov think there disabled you or just bone idle its sort of contagess. It like leave it for the skiv when she comes in from work.
Take Care Linda x
Good suggestions, however I would like some ideas on what to do with a bi-polar teenager. I have a 14 year old daughter who has Type II Bipolar Disorder and my main concern is to try and figure out how to tell if she is “playing it”. Usually I can tell by the look on her face, but over the summer there is a lot of phone communication (I work full time) and there have been times I really wonder what is the truth. If you have any suggestions, I’d love to hear them.
Thank you,
HEY STACEY WERES DAVID GONE
I am the one the the illness and so is my older brother.I was diagnosed 6 years ago don’t know when he was.Anyways the difference between us is i take my meds.I haved tried atleast 60 different ones.It is very hard for me to live a normal life because i never know what i am going to feel like day to day and moment to moment.I have been in the icu so many times from doing stupid out of control things in the past 6 years i can’t stand it.It not only hurts me but my friends and family.I just can’t seem to get a grip on life.I turned to drugs alcohol rx pills just to try and numb myself and then i end up worse then i was.Im doing pretty good for the last month.I think 2 months ago was my last hospital stay.The thing with me is i get nagged all the time about have you taken your meds today or did you stop again.At times im just sad or moody due to the fact im just having a bad day or people are just stressing me out.I just get sick of everyone always thinking that it’s due to the fact im not taking my meds.God can’t i just have bad days like everyone else.I do understand how people need to know when to help one or just to reassure them about things.Some people with bipolar just take it to far and think that they can blame everything on the illness.We need to just take our meds except the support we get from people but don’t abuse the help and think that everyone needs to totally take care of you when actually if they try hard enough with a little effort we can all survive this illness.I know it’s hard im living proof of that but sometimes i really have to just be thankful for what i do have in life.Thank you very much for giving me this chance to express my feelings.
Hey everyone! Hope you are all having a good day. I start out my days in a good mood. I would stay in a good mood if I did not have to come in contact with my so-called supporter. She is nuts, I mean straight-jacket time. I live in her house and her husband claims me as a dependent. She is a stroke patient. Angry all the time, negative does not begin to describe her. She nags about my medicine. I have explained my system, if she would care to look she could see that I always take my meds. When I take my morning meds I turn the bottle upside down. When I take it at bedtime I put it right side up.
My challange to all supporters out there is. Let us live our lives. Do NOT try to make all our decisions for us. We really are capable people, but if you limit us, by doing things for us that we can and should do for ourselves, you are limiting us. Do not say, “you can’t do that!” “Are you sure you want to do that?” Let us stumble and fall on our own.
If your finances are tied to someone who is bipolar, convince them to give up (for safe keeping) their checkbook, credit cards and excess cash. You can buy a Walmart VISA debit card to carry for emergencies. Keep the car titles in a safe place.
Love your bipolar and do not beat them over the head over something they said in a manic heated argument. Believe me, they are sorry and need it forgotten already OK?
Sometimes I wish I HAD a Supporter who would NAG me!! It’s sooo hard being on my own and dealing with all the “crazy” things that happen to me.
I had my second “vestibular rehab” session today – and it didn’t work. According to the physical therapist, there doesn’t seem to be anything WRONG with my inner ears to cause my dizziness. This has been going on for almost 3 weeks, and I’m TIRED of the room spinning around like a hangover. They’re going to give me at least 10 more days, then it’s off to a neurologist for a work-up to see if there’s a tumor! How can I remain “calm” with this hanging over my head? I haven’t fallen in 2 weeks, but walk around like on eggshells waiting to just keel over.
My boyfriend is coming up this weekend, and I’m really NOT in any shape for company. However, just having him here makes me feel safe; like the last time I fell was at 1:40 in the morning, and I called out for him, and he came running. He assessed my bleeding head, and put me to bed. He wasn’t an alarmist at all, and truly comforted me. THAT’S the kind of Supporter I need 24/7.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.
TO: STACY RUSSELL:
hello there thank you for your e-mail. Wow, that was quite the article you sent me! I am not a supporter any more, I totally suffer from Bi-polar, my husband is my supporter..well he is trying and I think his patience is fed up…he does not believe Bi-polar is real, therefore when I am having my episodes, well they do not get dealt with very well….he is an amazing person though, he is still with me?!
I try very hard to control my Bi-polar, epecially my moods up and down and all over the place, I am not any medication, gave up on them two years ago, I know I should be on them again, at least something for my anxiety levels, depression, and the lows…but hate the crap – feels like I am so doped out cannot react to any thing, feels like I am wearing a mask!! and they are too damn expensive to boot!
I have alot of insecurity, anxiety out of the roof! I feel aggrivated by everything just about, so yeah, I need to find something that actually works and not dopes me out, I cannot afford to be doped out – I am a Resident Care Aid, so I went off and trying to deal with BP the best I can, but my poor other half gets the worst of it a lot of the times, and I feel like hell….is there any one else like this? any medication ideas? anyone?
please e-mail me at:
Christina.Macdonald168@gmail.com
I don’t really have anything to say about the story, I just wanted to know who really wrote this message. At the beginning it says Stacy Russell, then at the end it says Dave. What happened? Also, I am not a supporter, my daughter is. Her son is bipolar and she does a very good job with him. She handles him well. I read your message every day and I have learned a lot about bipolar disorder. Thank you for taking on the responsibility of this website. God Bless You
DAVE, what’s going on? I hope you’re ok. Maybe you’re on a much deserved break. We have had a number of repeat emails this week. I had to retrieve today’s email from my Junk folder, as it was sent by a different name. Thanks, Stacy, for helping out. Could you please let us know what happened to Dave.
Davo;
Did you finaly learn?
Now the chick sees the oppertuinity for Money & Power.
Does the Chick wish to enter a debate?
What happened somebody, or spmebody else, S/He wished to daebate, I have heard nothing from this person.
Some Debate.
I really don’t know what to say about the message because i am one of those people who have bipolar and stuggle everyday with it… To make it worse i beleive my son is bipolar but they wont test him yet because they say hes tp young to test anyhow thanks for the support
I never asked for any of this bipolar crap information. I requested information on bodywraps and then end up getting 4 useless e-mails a day including this ridiculous topic I never even asked about. I don’t know or care who “Dave” is or what his problems are. Stop sending me this crap.
Marjorie,
You did indeed subscribe but we removed you. We have a double optin system
that everyone must complete to get on the list.
Dave