Hi,
Hope things are going well today.
I usually try to keep things uplifting in my messages, but I always want to be truthful, too, and not skirt the issue on serious topics.
So today I want to talk mainly to people who have bipolar disorder, and talk about the depressive side of the disorder and some things you can do about it.
There’s an ad on TV running some places right now that says, “Who does depression hurt? Everyone. Where does depression hurt? Everywhere.”
It’s true that most people experience some type of depression, (usually short-lived and situational) at some point in their lives.
It may go from just a few hours to a few days to even a few weeks. This is normal, and is very different from the type of depression that someone with bipolar disorder goes through.
Sometimes a bipolar depressive episode can last up to a few months, and can be so deep that it makes it hard for the person to function.
Let’s talk first about the “Where does depression hurt? Everywhere.” part of the ad.
There is some truth to that.
Some of the symptoms of a bipolar depressive episode can be physical symptoms.
The biggest physical symptom is fatigue.
This makes you want to sleep most of the time.
Body aches, headaches, and stomach aches are some of the other physical symptoms of depression in someone with bipolar disorder.
But for now let’s just talk about fatigue.
In my courses/systems below, I list all the signs/symptoms of bipolar disorder that may cause physical symptoms:
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Fatigue may be caused by one of the other symptoms of a bipolar depressive episode:
Loss of interest in formerly pleasurable activities.
In other words, you just don’t want to get out of bed anymore.
Nothing interests you.
There’s nothing you want to do, no one you want to see, nowhere you want to go.
So why get up?
Now we’re getting to the “Who does depression hurt? Everyone.” part of the ad.
Because when your supporter sees you, day after day, lying in bed with the covers over your head, not wanting to get out and face the world, it hurts them.
Your depression hurts your supporter very much.
It hurts them because if you hurt, your supporter hurts as well.
You may only be thinking of yourself and how much pain you’re in, but think about your supporter for just a moment.
Try to put yourself in their shoes.
Think of how helpless they feel when they see you depressed.
They hurt because they want to help you but they don’t know how.
They hurt because they have to watch you suffer.
They hurt because they know you don’t have to be this way.
They hurt because they know that this is the bipolar disorder and not the real you.
They hurt because they know that you both have a common enemy (bipolar disorder), and yet they don’t know how to destroy it to save you from this depression.
Did you hear what I said about, “They hurt because they want to help you but they don’t know how?”
That’s your responsibility.
Remember when I said at the beginning of this email that I would talk about the depressive side of the disorder and some things you can do about it?
Well, here’s some things you can do about it:
· Try to cut down on the amount of hours that you sleep.
· Get out of bed more, even if it only means going into another room, like the living room or the kitchen.
· Spend more time with your supporter, instead of making them spend time with you (in your bedroom).
· Try to improve your attitude. Even though you’re depressed, you can do positive things such as pray, read uplifting books, watch inspirational books or TV shows, etc.
· Interact with other people. Even if you’re not up to company, you can at least talk to them on the phone or over the internet (there are even bipolar chat rooms and forums).
· Write your thoughts and feelings down in a journal.
· Keep a daily mood chart.
· Talk to your loved one. Not only to share your own thoughts and feelings, but really listen to theirs as well.
· Use your creativity. Don’t let your depression stop you from doing creative things like: work in a garden, do scrapbooking, organize photos, plan for future holidays, etc.
· Keep in touch with family and friends. They are worried about you as much as your supporter is. Write letters and emails if you have to, but try to keep them positive as much as you are able. If you can’t, ask others about their lives and what is happening with them.
· Do as much for yourself as you can, so you don’t burn out your supporter.
· Take care of your own daily needs: get out of bed, get dressed, groom yourself, etc., whether you leave the house or not.
· Even though you may suffer from loss of hunger, make your own meals anyway (this will help with your fatigue as well). Make meals for your supporter as a gesture of appreciation.
· Make an effort to leave the house occasionally on small errands, or just ride along with your supporter.
At first, these things will seem very difficult to you. Some of them you may not even be able to do. But the more you do them, the easier they will be. And the sooner your depression will lift.
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Post responses below
The depessive side of bipolar is very frightening. The 81 year old lady I support goes into a comatose like state for 4 days to a week. She becomes like a rag doll. We have to carry her to the washroom. Very scarey. We have to feed her, dress her, do all her personal needs. In the beginning we would call an ambulance but they have told us she will come out of this at home. She does, but in the meantime her health declines. Very difficult to feed and give her water or fluids. Eventually the nurse comes in and gives her a drip. I pray to God she never goes through this again. She has had two of these bad depressive episodes. Unfortunatley sleep is all that can be done for her until she comes around. With the reduction in her meds she has not been in a depressive episode since August. It is totally mind boggling how bipolar works. I have now learned through experience and listening to everyone on here what to expect. I can detect each of the signs of bipolar now. Thanks Dave and everyone.
I totally agree, you really have to make a concerted effort to fight the depression, take control of it – rather than letting it control you! Getting out of the bed in the morning, and at a decent time, is the best help you can give to yourself, especially if you have a reason for doing so.
I swim every morning and even when I really don’t feel like it, I do. It means I am up and out of, not just bed, but the house and I will always see a friendly face, whether I feel like talking or not it always cheers me up. You need to have some normality about your life and normalising your feelings is a great way to work with them. Enjoy good healthy food and drink, this will lift your mood and help you to remain physically strong too. Daylight and fresh air is also of utmost importance, this increases your seratonin levels which are ultimatley depleted in a time of depression. Write down how you feel in a poem or a story. Speak to a friend, even if it’s only to listen about how they feel. Read a good book that you can immerse your mood into. Etc, Etc, Etc.
This is my survival guide!
Georgina
I have been told before by someone “the lights are on, but no ones home. thats me in a very depressive mode. I’ve tried doing things when depressed it doesnt do anything its just going through the motions theres no feeling there. I remember a while i was painting the house which usually lifts me and the tears flowing down my cheeks it was horrible. And its when its that horrible that sends you into the world when you see the pain real pain in your loved ones eyes that they’d be better of without you. you tell yourself all sorts of things to convince yourself.
God Bless Amanda
I can truly appreciate what you are trying to get across in the email I received today. From my prespective, though, I can not totally agree with it. You mentioned depression lasting for months; mine lasted over 2 years. And when you are depressed that deeply, for that long, all you want to do is end it all. I’m not depressed now and I pray to God I never will be again. It’s a terrible place to be. WHat I got out of your email was that as a depressed person, I was suppose to “pick myself up and move on”. You obviosly don’t grasp the depth that this can go. It’s just not that easy and I resent that you have made it even more stressful on the person with depression. Educate yourself and chose your words carefully.
Hi David ,
Yea it SUCKS!!!!!
karen
I am unemployed, in debt, they haven’t found any meds. that work on me yet. The side effects outway any benifit. I was ready to just walk around brain-dead but my wife wouldn’t hear of it and took me to the hosp. to get off of the last med. now a new one and so far no help. Told me to take before bed, couldn’t sleep. Now trying during the day no help yet. Too cold to go swimming. Don’t seem to care anymore. Have no motivation, don’t even know why I am typing this, it’s not that I don’t have anything that I should be doing. I JUST DON’T CARE. Should I go into more debt. to get out of debt? This all seems like a bad dream that I can’t wake up from. This can’t be the life God had for me to live. To afraid of hell to kill myself. I guess that I will go outside for a walk maybe I will freeze to death, doubt it not that lucky. What is my purpose? This life is becomeing a HELL! Tired of trying to fake it for everybody else, when is it my turn to be HAPPY? Don’t even post this it is too depressing.
“Depression” is a MOOD killer. When I was clinically depressed ONE time (thank God; I couldn’t go through another), it was right after I bought my apartment house, and HAD to function. I also had to have a job. I worked at the University in a VERY dull job – Aerospace and Mechanical Engineering. I finished all my typing work in the morning, and was left with NOTHING to do but stare out the floor-to-ceiling windows in my office. I would literally count the steps to the other buildings when I had to make a delivery. It sucked 🙁
I was forced to take an interest in renting out the apartments, and seeing to it that everything ran smoothly in the whole house. To this day, I don’t remember a LOT of being depressed – just getting up, going to work, coming home, and going to bed. I just wanted to cover myself under my blanket and “chill.” This was NOT a life…
The depression lasted a whole YEAR, and I didn’t want to go out with friends or do ANYTHING. I can remember going out one time with two friends of mine to a pizza restaurant, and barely saying two words. They were doing the best they could to cheer me up, but I wasn’t having any of it. I was NOT functioning like a “normal” person; couldn’t they SEE it??!! Even my perception of my bedroom was “off.” Things looked DIFFERENT, and I couldn’t understand WHY.
Finally, my PCP sent me to the Community Mental Health Clinic, where the psychiatrist talked to me, in evaluating my situation. He asked if I was suicidal – I told him I “thought” about it, but would never “do” it. He prescribed Desipramine, and within a month, the depression lifted, if only a little bit. I became a “client” of the Clinic, and have been ever since. This was in 1978, and drug companies have come up with some AWESOME new drugs for depression.
Now – I TRY to be upbeat and function “normally.” I am on an antipsychotic, an anti-anxiety med, Valium, and vitamins. Although I’m on Disability, I find SOMETHING to make me wake up every day, and DO something. Although sometimes I sleep into the early afternoon, I get on the computer and WORK. This gives me purpose, and I have met some WONDERFUL people in this blog.
So – it’s NOT permanent, just a temporary set-back that affects your chemical imbalance. All I can say is – work with your mental health professionals and find the RIGHT “cocktail” that works for you. I’m glad I finally did. When you’re in a clinical depression, it feels as if it will last forever; it DOESN’T. ALWAYS have HOPE, and pray with your supporter(s). The clouds WILL lift, and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. For those who are depressed on this blog – hang in there; things WILL get better. You’re just not looking in the right places 🙂
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.
My boyfriend’s current depressive episode has been going on for quite some time. He has the occasional day or 2 when he is quite cheerful and it looks like he is finally coming out of it. So far it’s always been a false alarm. Since the clocks changed his depression has got worse. Then the last couple of weeks the weather has been so cold and unpleasant, which I think has contributed to more depression. The worst thing is that he has started drinking again. He is not a drinker when he is normal, only when he is at the extreme end of either pole, he will hit the bottle. Then he gets drunk and feel worse than before and begins to self-harm. The next step will be to stop or forget taking his meds. Whenever he has an appointment with his psych he puts on an act and pretends that everything is ok. Of course the doctors have no idea of his binge drinking.
Over the last 2 weeks I have become very depressed myself. I’m not inspired to be creative and feel tired (but can’t sleep) and tearful a lot of the time. He doesn’t want to see me much recently and I know it’s the bipolar demon and not himself, but it still hurts. Of course my own depression and anxiety can’t possibly help him. I pray all the time that he will stop drinking and tell the truth to his psych so he will have his meds adjusted and get well again instead of ending up in the psych ward.
DAVE, you say that anyone in a bipolar depression should try to put themselves in their supporter’s shoes. That’s easier said than done, as empathy seems to go out the window when he is depressed. I don’t think he is much more aware of what he is doing to me or to himself when he is down, than he was during his manic episode.
Hello Dave and All~
The saying “fake it, til you make it” works some times.
In my experience, the physical body only goes where my mind and heart takes me.
That is why depression is misunderstood by observers. No person can tell us what to do, because it is very personal. Only God (if you believe) and ourself can give us the purpose we need to move on. Always look for what gives you hope. Since, He must have put it there.
I need to believe my efforts are worthwhile. If I don’t, I feel depressed.
No one wants to stay there.
Depression serves me, by forcing me to find my way out through looking at my motives. I am grateful that my depressions were not only temporary, but helped me to better define what was important and who I am. It’s important to be honest with ourselves about our strengths and weaknesses. It can be painful. It can take time to accept. When we are ready, we will move on.
As the world constantly changes around me, through circumstances I can’t always control, I must continue to keep defining my hope. To me that is life.
To: All of those who blog here, I appreciate your unique selves and various viewpoints. You are precious. And yes, God Bless. vicky
P.S. Thank You Dave (and The Crew), for you interesting starter topics!
I am an oversleeper, but the amount of sleep has increased ever since I left my steady job since 1999, and still more after I was diagnosed on 2004 and nothing or anybody can make me sleep less than 10 hours a day. Of course I am fat, and my greatest achievement for the past five months has been sto stop drinking diet coke. It is great advise you give in here, to do exercise, to eat the proper food and to rise and shine. I’ll see what I can do.
Thank you Dave and all for your wonderful contributions.
You are worth living for.
Wow Dave,
That was the first letter that came very clearly from you as a supporter rather than a sufferer – lol – I thought you said the letter wasn’t for supporters – well it surely was.
I’m so glad that with all your knowledge yuo still don’t seem to know what it’s like first hand to be in a depressive episode – good for you – wish I could say the same.
As for your helpful comments – well most of us Do know them and attempt when possible to do them – however it’s very rational thinking and acting which is the opposite of what’s going on for us.
As for the guilt trip about how we’re treating our supporters – well sadly we’re probably already on that trip and do feel dreadful about how bad it is for them having us in their lives – which adds to the thought of our not continuing to live to let the people we care for off the hook of looking after us. Worse to is that we often know that we’re being so damn awful – and even then it’s still the best we can do – and apologies only go so far.
I’m very very thankful to all the supporters out there – and particularly ones who read forums like this trying tpo understand – and I just want to say sorry – and we’re doing our best!
Chris
I dont seem to have a link for todays blog
I must say i am glad there are people who understand this situation,
and supporters out there, because without you im not sure where id
heading to. I was diagnosed in 2002, shortly after having my first baby.
And lemme say.. being a parent with this EVIL disorder can be very difficult
the added stress of parenting is enough to throw me into severe episodes,
and finally in a clear moment i realize i need help. Thats the key i believe,
there IS a clear moment within the disorder, take time to analyze yourself.
realize the people your hurting, the damage your doing. because you never know when u ll get a clear moment again. I want so deeply to find the REAL me.. Other ppl see it, but i only see the bipolar side.
I Do not want my daughter seeing me this way, I want her to know the Real mommy, but everything is easier said then done,especially when your thoughts change at the drop of a dime. So until i get the RIGHT meds
i must Thank GOD for moments of clarity.
TY for listening.
Chris.
To AMANDA: The link to today’s email from Dave, is dated “December 7, 2008.”
This was by far the best letter on bi-polar I’ve read. Thank you. It was not only to the bi-polar sufferer, but also to the supporters. I have a Mom, sister, brother and daughter who are all bi-polar. They are different in some ways but some ways exactly the same. I find it hard sometimes to understand what they are going through. And to be honest there are times when I don’t want to hear about it. The worst thing is, I don’t know what to do for them. It makes me feel helpless. Anyways thanks for this website.
Hi Dave,
I appreciate your efforts on trying to understand what the bipolar person and supporter go through but…
You go on and on about what the depressed bipolar person experiences and what the supporter feels. I feel you have minimalized the manic-depressive episodes one can go through. As if to say, we have control over “it”. Therefore, we should do the following, whereby you provide a long list of what the stupefied depressed person can do to make his or her supporters feel better. This is not a disease where you are given a list of to do’s and to go do them. It doesn’t work that way. I’m not trying to be argumentative here but Dave, there is no control over it.
Get out of bed because we can? If you really knew what fatigue was, you would not be suggesting that because while fatigued a person is completely exhausted to the point it’s a futile effort to attempt something you make seem easy. Cook a meal? How many times I’d go hungry because I didn’t feel like eating much less cooking. This isn’t situational depression. This is a chemical ordeal.
Don’t do this, do do that. Some things on this list are too much. Really. Don’t burn out your supporter? Don’t not do the things you enjoy? I have many interests, but I’d be hard pressed to summon the energy or want to plant a garden, to do things I enjoy. Don’t you know depression is joyless or am I all alone in my thoughts? Maybe, but I know depression is nothing to shake notes out. It’s like writing a to do list for the depressed person. What you suggest requires a depressed person force themselves to do the things that seem so foreign to them. There is so much in this article I’d like to zone in on but I don’t have the time right now and besides, who’d listen to a cranky person 😉
Please, if you can – as a supporter, stop hurling down my throat all the things that I’m not doing right because it makes you uncomfortable (as a supporter).
I will admit, that with the major depression comes a tunnel vision that occurs. It’s there. It’s part of the process.
I will try to remember to do all those things that you mentioned, (even though it’s the least validating thing I’ve read today) when I go into the depression (that for me, is as inevitable as rain), that I’ll try to do more to mask the illness so my supporter can live knowing all is well, so when he doesn’t know I’m sick, “we” can’t get me more help.
Sincerely,
Joan
It hits me like a ton of bricks, and makes me almost catatonic. Getting out of bed? It’s not a matter of wills Dave. It’s a serious condition that can last more then a few months. I suffer from mixed states where the mania and depression coexist. It is a dis-ease.
Ps Re: “They hurt because they know you don’t have to be this way.”
That is untrue. This is not an opt-in/opt-out state of being. We get it as is. You are saying my supporter doesn’t acknowledge what depression truly is and what it does to a person? They know I don’t have to be this way – suggesting that it’s optional??? This is not true. If they hurt, it’s for another reason. I’ll buy frustration, misunderstanding, confusion…but not bipolar’s depression being optional!
Ps Re: “They hurt because they know that this is the bipolar
disorder and not the real you.”
Bipolar is a mood disorder not a split personality disorder. If this isn’t what the “real” bipolar is, then what is? Since mood shifts are high and low and fluctuate, can you really say that a bipolar person isn’t the real me? I mean, it’s a condition I have. It does not make me. Read the list of bipolar symptoms. I would not walk around masquerading as “the real me” because they are one in the same. All of it. The good, the bad and the ugly. The real me, fun, witty and charming. You’ll have to take me at my word LOL. 🙂
Ps Re: “At first, these things will seem very difficult to you. Some
of them you may not even be able to do. But the more you
do them, the easier they will be. And the sooner your
depression will lift.”
Symptoms will not lift by will alone. That’s just wrong. If that were so, we’d all be off meds and happy as hornets. Depression takes its own sweet time, travels where it wants to go no matter what a person does to fight it. It’s a real struggle and a daily one at that.
Thanks for the opportunity to share my feelings once again.
Joan
I just have to comment on those commercials that you first mentioned. My daughters and I laugh because they do not show what BP REALLY looks like. The anger, abusiveness, the deep sadness! They just show melancholy looking people, and SLOW music that’s rather peaceful. We never saw that sort of behavior from BP. My husband of 37 years is now treated correctly and life is SO different! We want to have a commercial that shows “BEFORE LAMICTAL” and then “AFTER LAMICTAL”. Maybe hair standing up and angry and -after walking the dog peacefully. I know this sounds like I am poking a little fun-but you sometimes have to laugh-especially when you are the supporter and life is BETTER for once!! I do think that if people were a little more knowledgable about what BP really looks like then maybe more people would be treated. I am a professional woman and seeked to understand what was going on for years and did not realize that depression could look a lot different than what I thought. For all supporters-be good to yourself-your bp person is not more important than YOU!!
Hi David,
I have been in a difficult relationship for the last 3 1/2 years and like once a year we break up. He has idmitted that he thinks he bipolar but refuses to get help or treatment. Everything is always my fault and when i ask him to let me be he will give it a break for at least 2 days and then start right back tryn to contact me. One day hes up the next day hes down, it was to the piont that i really thought it was me i am getting help to work on myself and try to move on from this. it just blows me away that this has repeated its self 3 times now and i always tried to be there for him but i dont know if i can handle it anymore i really loved him and gave so much, and he acts like nothing ever happened.