Hi,
I hope you’re doing well today.
I have a ton of things to do today so I really have to get going.
I have some great news. There is actually a person that I found who is a super programmer and will be very instrumental in helping us reach more people who are dealing with mental illnesses in general.
Anyway, this is a great news!
Okay, let me ask you this question:
Are you a caregiver or supporter?
You might ask me right back,
“Well, Dave, what’s the difference?”
Because even in the many support groups that I volunteer at, I’ve heard both terms used inter- changeably. But I do believe there is a difference. When I think of a caregiver, I think of one of those people who help someone with a long-term illness, like cancer, who needs help with everyday things that they can’t do for themselves.
In the world of bipolar disorder, that’s called enabling, however. Your loved one is not that ill. There are many things they can do for themselves, and these are things that you should NOT be doing for them. For example, you can oversee to make sure your loved one takes their medication, but you don’t have to actually GIVE it to them (put it in their mouth), to make sure they take it.
Your loved one isn’t an invalid, and you are not their caretaker. You shouldn’t be their enabler, either. You are simply their supporter.
In fact, if you do things for your loved one that they can do perfectly well by themselves, you can be doing more harm than good.
Part of their treatment is to learn to be productive again, and that means learning how to do things for themselves. You shouldn’t interfere with this process.
Even if your loved one wants you to. This is called dependency. And they can become over-dependent on you, which is not good, either.
This is another thing they should be learning in treatment, but if it gets too difficult for them, theymay revert back to the easy way – depending on you to take care of them.
And there you are – right back in the circle of being a caretaker instead of being a supporter.
In my courses/systems, I talk about how you shouldn’t be an enabler and how not to be:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
I’m always talking about how knowledge is power. Well, if you have knowledge about what being an enabler is, you won’t be one!
Same as the difference between being a caretaker versus being a supporter.
You want to be a good supporter, right?
And you want your loved one to get better, right?
In fact, you want your loved one to become stable, right?
And I’ll even do you one better. I’ll bet you would love for your loved one to become high-functioning, wouldn’t you?
Well, the way to do that is for them to learn to become independent. And the only way to do that is if you become simply a support for them, and not a caretaker or enabler.
Now you know! And now that you know, hopefully you won’t make the mistake that a lot of other supporters make.
FIND OUT WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT ME
Visit: http://www.bipolarcentral.com/testimonials
David Oliver is the author of the shocking guide “Bipolar Disorder—The REAL Silent Killer.” Click Here to get FREE Information sent via email on how and why bipolar disorder kills.
Post responses below.
Right on. My girlfriend, who has bipolar II, recently moved in. I won’t go into the reasons for this because many would perhaps disagree. On day one, my life has been turned upside down as she deals with the change. Our environment is emotionally and psychologically charged as it seems that her illness is a life force that is over the charts in intensity. The issue of either being a caretaker or supporter comes up in my mind quite a bit now as I get a stronger impression that she would prefer that I carry most of the load financially. I’ve done what I could, paying a ton for meds related to some health issues (she doesn’t have insurance), paid some of her utilities and rent, paid for gas, food and even past debts, needless to say this has stretched me. At this point, her presentation is to “trap” me in a loop of ceaseless petty squabbles and in the mean time I see the financial end of this going to pot. I could go on about how see seems to have no insight as to what has been done for her but………Eesh, this is going to be fun 🙂
Well well well this follows nicely from your last email doesn’t it? I wrote how I am coping with my partner alone and having counselling from time to time myself helps me cope with him.
One thing I have learned and that is not to spoon feed them (ie, do things for them)they are not invalids. In fact my partner rather I didn’t because he confesses that he will use it to his advantage. He prefers that I stand my ground : he believes in boundaries. When they are well and “normal” so to speak; it is wise to talk to them. It is surprising what you accomplish or find out as this may help you when they are heading towards an episode. I have managed to slow down some and even prevented many.
I saw one coming once, though I didnt realise he was going to have whilst I was out one evening. I got a phone call (histerical he was) I came home (dreaded it) though I stood my ground and blanked him I remembered what he said before. He went a little berserk when I tried to drive away by trying to let my tyres down I drove off! I was shaking abit but it was two years since his last episode. I parked up spoke on the phone to him (still phuming he was though no shouting) I maintained my ground. Came home spoke to him then left him in his cooling space (caravan in garden for when things get tough). Next day we went away for a romantic break. He was sorry. It is no good being bitter when they are having this crisis moment; just blow up a bubble around you so that their words bounce away from your soul. They really don’t mean what is said despite the cruelty contents. I will be marrying him after Uni we have been together 4 1/2 years now. The longer together the fewer episodes because the more I am understanding and enabling to manage them without aggravating or triggering others. Okay I miss not being able to go places I’d like him to go with me but I can still go out now without consequences as I dont rise to the bait anymore.
i am the one with bipolar. i also help others with children that are having problems with teens because of and young children.. raised two girls and a boy. one granddaughter birth till eight years old and grand son birth til four years old. it sure changed from when i was brought up. i then taught at a private school for eight years since i moved to fl. and learned alot from ladies semenars, and school. i haven’t arrived and know it all. but i share thru my experences. i have fun doing it. i lost my oldest daughter seven years ago and her daughter was two years old. daddy was getting a new job as an electrician one the other coast. they never married since my daughter was head strong. he wasn’t going in her direction. he didn’t want to tell us because he didn’t want to hurt our feeling. he is like a son. as of nov. she has lived with her dad for one year. i am a doubting grandma and if he has a hard time he has her call me. and i set her straight. with love tuff. she is the apple of our eye as the only girl. well now you understand of the stress that has been taken off my shoulders. and i am doing much better and my dr. can see plus my new job is fun now too. sending with much love and pss my husband and i will be married for thirty one year one wed. cindy
everyone should check out these websites, they are online support groups and they are very helpful, I ‘m bipolar and they have helped me tremdously!
http://www.mdjunction.com/bipolar
http://www.mdjunction.com/bipolar-in-the-family
Yo Tried Them All:
You are suffering from paranoid delusions right now, so please hang on and I will try to get an email to you today, although I still haven’t recovered yet from the pneumonia, I will make it a priority to email you toady. Please do not repeat what you have done in the past, you know what I am talking about. Listen to Suzanne and Sue as they are with you too trying to help you thru the hard times. I am sure they are Praying for you to find relief as well as I do too.
I know what you say is true, but there is a fine line between enable and help. I have one daughter that is diagnosed bipolar and my other daughter that is now showing symptoms of mania, though not diagnosed. As a mom, it is incredibly difficult to not be codependent and feed into their “needs”. It’s not like if left on their own they would take care of most of them. My youngest, the one showing signs of mania right now, is 18. So … I have been responsible as a care taker and supporter. My 21 yr old tries to do more for herself, but has been having an increasingly more difficult time. I have truly become a codependent and find that if I want certain things done, I will have to do it with them to accomplish it. They both have other co diagnos’ that increase the difficulty and not surprisingly, one of them is separation anxiety.
I try to take a step back before “taking over”, but as I said, it’s a difficult and fine line.
This too is great information, but when I am dealing with my eleven year old son, do I still have to step back and just be the supporter? I know that I have to allow him to learn to support himself and do things for himself, but I would feel as if he thought I was more of a friend then a mom if I stepped back and let him do it all. What would be your opinion on this type of situation?
HELEN, if you try to email me, it will be returned to you because my modem is down and won’t be up for a couple days. I am supposed to get a yellow cord in the mail.
I don’t know if it is ‘paranoid delusions’ or not. The cousin called and screamed at my mom ( I just learned about an hour ago) and the vicious aunt called this morning and I got so angry, I hung up on her.
I am really down about everything right now, but I don’t think a hospital will help me. The problems (and the relatives) just don’t go away.
I am past trying to find a resolution. I am standing her holding a white flag, waiting for ’em to come and get me.’
To TRIED THEM ALL: First of all – THANKS for the phone call last night! It was GREAT hearing from you; I’m only sorry I had to cut it off so quickly when my boyfriend came on IM.
Second – “paranoid delusion” may NOT be what you have, but you are “slightly” down now, and may not be thinking as clearly as you’d like. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t be afraid to go to the hospital. The professionals there are trained to deal with emotional/psychological issues, and perhaps just a regulation of your medication will be all you need.
Of COURSE I’m NOT familiar with your family situation. The “aunts” sound like a bitchy bunch! I also don’t know the dynamics of your “rich” family and if they really WANT to help you or not.
I’m just worried and concerned about your mental state. Although you sounded GREAT last night, your moods are all over the place; it sounds as if you have “racing thoughts” and can’t get it together. A PCP isn’t trained to alter your meds if things get tough.
Take care of Missy; she’s your LIFELINE!!
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good.
Hi there Tried them All: Haven’t heard from you lately. I’m sorry to hear you are not doing too well. You know you can contact me any time, but I sent you something the other day and it came back. Now I found out it’s because your computer is down.
You know a bunch of us are rooting and praying for you, you are a good person, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. We all have our ups and downs (to say the least!) so don’t let this get to you. Like I said before, if your family is sooo negative towards you, “divorce” them and cut off communication until things improve.
Always on your side,
Diane and all the pets
I was reading over are you a supporter or a caregiver.
Well at times I feel that I am both but I probable am more of an inabler more.
Yes I want my sons to be more independent. I can’t seem to brake the cycle. I have always been a caregiver in the professional world and also have taken on that role at home but I am really getting tired and I am trully getting physically sick. I need help letting go a little I probable am a little more protective then I should be but the world is not always fair and I just hate to see my sons get the bad end of the deal.
I have alot of issues and I don’t know where to start to work on it.
Knowledge, in these circumstances, is power but I found out the hard way when I was working for the bank that knowledge can also make you a target for the office assassins. This is because you have knowledge that can be harmful for some people if the knowledge is shared outside their circle! In fact it was just the scenario that caused the stress attack and depression which beget the doc innocently prescribing an anti depressant that kicked off a super charged Mother of all mixed episodes … which kicked off the current cycle of BP, and the finalised, agreed diagnosis of BP. Talk about Chaos Theory!!!
(I forgot to mention, my job in the bank was effectively head of customer and market research. I knew things that customers thought about the Bank that senior people in the customer service areas didn’t want anyone else in the bank to know, least of all the guys and the top of the power pyramid.)
DeeDee(Diane), Suzanne and Helen, I feel desperate enough to try to do something stupid in hopes that I might get someone to help me through this, even if it means killing myself to do it. Yes, my moods are all over the place, I have ‘racing thoughts’ and I highly doubt that all this medication is really doing much good. If I go to the ER of the hospital, I have to say I want to kill myself or someone else, or they release me. Then, if they are convinced, there is likely a 24 to 36 wait for a hospital bed in a psychiatric hospital. I don’t know what good that will do. And, my problems are still there…only worse.
To TRIED THEM ALL: Sweetheart, there is no danger to your life right now as I see it. You’ve come this far; go to the ER and tell them you ARE suicidal. They HAVE to take you. I don’t understand WHY they would turn you away or have you wait 24-36 hours for a bed!
I understand that you are at the end of your rope, but that’s where HOPE comes in. Missy AND your Mom need you, but you have to be HEALTHY in order to deal with your situations. AND – you are NOT healthy right now. Your thoughts run like trains through you head; believe me, I KNOW!! The only way you’re going to get some rest and peace is to go to the ER and get your medications regulated. There’s a lot to be said about “tweaking” the meds to alleviate some of your suffering. And it doesn’t have to be that way.
You MUST know that Sue, Helen, DeeDee and I are praying for you, and wanting nothing but the best for you. I’m not even going to tell you the pressure and STRESS I’m under right now, but I’m taking it to the Lord, and, hopefully, get a good night’s sleep.
Take care of your little self; we ALL care…
SUZANNE, HELEN, SUE, DEEDEE,
Thanks for your concern and kindness. Athought I am not suicidal, I have definite thoughts as to how much BETTER I would be if I were dead. I also have thoughts/plans as to how to do it (right this time!).
All I can do is discuss it with the psychologist, who I will see in a couple days
Tried them all. Stress, stress, stress. Yeah, got me, too. My mother’s condition got worse over the weekend such that she could hardly walk by Sunday night, and virtually not at all by Monday morning. I had to stop over night to be there. And the boys had to come with me because there was no where else to go at the time. They were trying to stay cool, amuse themselves and not kill each other (! as bored 10 year olds l tend to do!) while I was trying to move her on my own just 3′ off her bed and onto a commode, taking about 30-45 mins each time just to get her there. Monday, she’s admitted into hospital for tests and assessment. In her more lucid moments she’s thinking “I’ve left my home and that will be the last I see of it unless Graham fights for me to go home …” But I can’t physically cope, let alone mentally, and then I have the two boys to look after AND Mum’s two elderly dogs … and one of the boys isn’t well, either! I got just 5 hours sleep Sunday night.
Of course, I MUST keep going for the sake of the boys … I suppose you could say I’m “lucky” to have that incentive. But I imagine it’s going to be tough over the next few weeks and wonder how I’ll come out the other end of the tunnel…. and if the light I see is not just a bl##dy train!!! I mean, all that on the plate, no avoiding it save and BP … (Thank you, God. Thank you very much!)
So, I’ll do a deal with you – think healing thoughts for me and I’ll think healing thoughts for you … heck, I’d do that anyway! ;o)
TO: Graham,
I definitely think healing thoughts for you and your mother. I am sorry she’s been ill, and I hope she gets better soon. Hang in there, you’ll do fine. Thank you for your thoughts for me too. Much appreciated.