Hi,
Let me ask you something: When is enough not enough? In other words, do you sometimes
feel like you’re giving all you can, but it’s still not enough? Do you sometimes feel like it’s
not fair?
That’s what Mark told me about his wife Dianne one day while I was working out at the gym.
You see, Dianne has bipolar disorder, and Mark is her main supporter. Usually, Dianne is pretty good about taking her medication, going to see her doctor, and doing all the other things to keep her bipolar in check. And usually, she treats Mark pretty good. But sometimes, she gets in these
awful moods, Mark was telling me, and then she takes them out on him.
She doesn’t go into a full-blown episode or anything, but it’s like she just has a “bad day,” and just doesn’t act like herself. Then, no matter what he does, no matter how much compassion he
shows her, it’s just not enough. She gets really angry, for example. Taking it out on him, Mark gets on the defensive, and before you know it, they’re in a fight. He usually doesn’t even know what they’re even fighting about, but there you have it – they certainly are fighting!
And sometimes Mark can’t control his temper, so even though he knows he shouldn’t fight back, he does it anyway, which just makes matters worse, because Dianne just gets madder and the fight just goes on. But then Mark tries to end the fight, even admits he was wrong, and Dianne just keeps fighting. No matter what Mark does, it’s not good enough. She’s just in this bad mood, and she just keeps taking it out on him!
He says that it’s just so frustrating for him. He tries to show love and compassion for her, but it’s like it’s not good enough when she gets like this. He just doesn’t know what to do when she gets like this, so he was asking for my advice.
I’ll be honest, at first I didn’t know what to say. Then I explained to him that sometimes a person with bipolar disorder is going to have a bad bipolar day. That’s just going to happen sometimes.
It’s just really tough when they take it out on you. And, unfortunately, sometimes that will happen as well.
Because when we’re not at our best, we tend to take it out on the person closest to us, and for someone with bipolar disorder, that’s their supporter. I explained to Mark that it doesn’t mean
that Dianne doesn’t love him, or that she is even doing this on purpose, but that it’s part of her disorder.
Sometimes, when someone with bipolar disorder has a “bad bipolar day,” they take it out on those around them. They just aren’t themselves. However, this can leave their supporter
feeling like no matter how much they do, no matter how much compassion they show, that it’s just not enough. What I told Mark is the same thing I’ll tell you: Don’t take it personally. It’s just a bad day. They happen.
Try to keep your loved one separate from their disorder and remember what they’re like when they’re not manifesting symptoms of their disorder, and try to have more patience with them than usual.
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
what should the family member do in the situation of an episode
I am not sure that it is just so simple. You see, am married to a man with BiPolar disorder and it is anything but easy. We are at the point of divorce. When I met this man all his friends told me that he was awful and I should think twice about getting married to him. I knew he was bipolar but it was undercontrol. We married and had a beautiful little girl. From then on it has gone down hill. He used to tell me I was the best cook and wonderul housekeeper and mother. It is down to not being able to do anything right. He critisizes me for everything. I don’t want to do anything around the house because it will not be right or good enough. I just am so tired of trying. I think it is just too easy to make the spouse just take it because of their disorder. When are they made to take responsibility for what they do? This is not ok with me. I do not want my daughter to grow up thinking it is just ok. That a person who is bipolar can do things and say things that are NOT OK JUST BECAUSE. I think this gives them a out for everything they do to hurt the ones they love. IT IS NOT OK.
This is a tricky issue. Obviously, how a supporter deals with this will be relative, there’s no one answer or fix. Many supporters, like myself are at their wits end and whether or not a spouse decides to stay in a relationship of this sort depends on how long they’ve been in it, what other life stress they are dealing with and how their better half is seeking out medical support and intervention.
I’ve waited years for my spouse to seek help and counseling and still, he makes endless excuses and only gets the bare minimum treatment. It’s certainly not enough and at a certain point one has to be selfish and take care of themselves.
I’ve lived with mental illness my entire life; My brother was Paranoid Schizophrenic and my husband has been diagnosed with Cyclothemia/Bipolar. All the years leading up to his diagnosis were hell and even though he’s getting some help, I’m totally worn out, bitter, angry, resentful. Getting past that is a mountain to climb in itself. I have huge distrust issues and feel abused, neglected and really lonely. At 42 I’ve taken the bull by the horns and made attempts to live my life for me (not him) again. I’ve missed out on a lot of opportunities and I can’t be held back any longer without building more destructive frustration and resentment.
I know it is my responsibility to get past the negative attitude, but let’s face it, it’s damned hard, especially when the one who needs the help isn’t doing what needs to be done.
My grand-daughter has Bi-polar disorder. She has this kind of day everyday. She’s just up and down all day everyday. I feel like I’ve been sentenced to a lifetime of punishment for something. The Drs have never found a treatment that works for her with it causing really bad side effects. I really don’t know what to do. I’m only human and can only stand so much. Nothing I do is good enough, everything I do is wrong according to her. I’m starting to wonder if she needs an exorcist. There has to be a correct answer somewhere.
I have alot of experience with my wife acting like this. I have found that a few things work for me. First, Make sure you try to hug her and tell her you love her. She most likely will reject your advance but it lets her know you are not reacting to her anger. Second, I I tell her I’m sorry she is upset but most likely she is acting something out that is out of porportion. Finally I leave her alone so she gets a chance to calm down. The individual can’t control the initial wave of anger but it does go away after 15 minutes or so….Hope this helps
My husband has bipolar. A marriage counselor told me when he is getting in a bad mood or episode, there is no point to argue you won’t win and there really isn’t a fight going on they are just having an episode. She told me to just say… ” I can tell you are upset, I am sorry, can you tell me what is wrong?” and to just listen and not really say much and hopefully they will have calmed down by then. When they are in that state of mind there really is no way you can win and fighting just makes it worse. She also old me just to leave the house for awhile to give them space.
Just some ideas! Good luck.
This disease has ruined my marriage, and is ripping my life out from under my feet. My husband is the one, who bipolar. He decided, in his twisted mind, 4 weeks ago, that he is single. So, he is single. He is definitely acting like it. I knew it would only be a matter of time, before he broke. I have cut off all his main sources to his porn Yes he repaced me with porn, 2 years ago. Now he just leaves every weekend. He tells me to get out. He does not love me anymore. He says that I do not respect him or except him, for who he is. No,I do not. He is mean and plays very destructive mind games. He carries most of the financial weight, and has cut all of the money off. He is not paying the bills or taking care of any responsibilities. We were not perfect, not even close, but he retired from the marine corps, about 6 months ago. Uncle Sam was the only thing keeping him ,half way on track. My life is a living hell. I have to go, before the real war begins.
HELLO I HAVE A PROBLEM I’M A BIPOLAR PERSON BUT MY PARTNER ISN’T AND DOES NOT UNDERSTAND ME THEN HE IS ALWAYS FIGHTING WITH ME I TELL HIM TO LOOK FOR INFORMATION ABOUT THIS DISORDER BUT HE DOESN’T DO ANY THING ABOUT IT. HE WANTS ME TO TELL HIM AND SOME TIMES I DON’T EVEN WANT TO TALK IT’S HARD ENOUGH FOR ME TO LIVE LIKE THIS AND ALS HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT WHEN SOMETIMES I DON’T EVEN KNOW HELP ME PLEASE LIZA
After 44 yrs. of marriage, we have been through it all. He is bipolar and had a major “crash” a few years ago. I think I almost died from what we went through, but with medication and counseling, it has been under control. Life has been wonderful with him and I learned so much about the illness. I hope never to experience it again but I know it can be devastating. Keep your loved one on the medication that has them balanced, and always keep your doctor’s phone number available. The person with the illness is suffering, but the supporter suffers along with them.
Ok so I suffer from bipolar disorder and take my mess every day and for the most part have it under control, but Also have “bad bipolar days”. There is just something that I think the supporters need to really understand. So as hard as it is on the supporters it is 100% harder on the one with the disorder. Imagine not being able to control your own mind and actions sometimes and truely crushing and hurting the one you love saying awful and mean things and doing things you hate. Also, speaking about it never being enough, if someone with bipolar disorder has just a bad day it is automatically considered an “episode” when people who have no mental disorders have bad days, get mad, say mean things and do things they regret all the time but for us it’s an episode. If a person without this disorder has a sad day and lays in bed and just is flat out sad it’s acceptable, but If a person with bipolar disorder has a sad day they are automatically “having a down swing and are depressed.” in addition, the same thing occurs with happiness and mad when the diagnosed is mad (even about a legitimate thing) it’s considered an episode and noone takes them seriously and honestly doesn’t listen to there point because clearly their reasoning for being upset is irrational when the supporters get angry and upset for let’s say unimportant things people respect there opinion and think nothing is unusual about their behavior. Same goes with being happy, were considered on an “up swing” and they are just having a good day. So when is it enough from us. When do we ever win. Because no matter which way we act it’s looked at as an episode or some bipolar issue. The last thing im going to say is yes I do have “bipolar spells” but my emotions are considered spells even when they are rational. If you are constantly hearing your horrible by someone, you begin to honestly believe you are horrible. So therefore in order for me to feel like I am under control and have my supporter feel the same way I must almost be a gray blob. I know the disorder is unfair to the supporters and I deeply hurt many people and have alot of regrets to things I have done, but when is it enough for those diagnosed with bipolar, when will we ever be looked upon as normal because we didn’t chose this disorder just like people with scoliosis or cancer and those suffering from bipolar are alienated from regular society all the way down to health insurance. Finally, I just want all the supporters and those diagnosed to hear this, if you believe in god and that Jesus will resurrect, he is in a mental institution because no one believes him. Sometimes people are not as bad as you think or assume.
How do you know when a bipolar person loves you? They tell us they hate us so often and they’re so convincing… How does one know? We blame it on the illness but how does a supporter know that our loved ones don’t just really hate us and the time they did love us was just an episode?? He tells me to stay so I stay, he tells me to go, so I go… As long as he’s unstable that’s it, isn’t it? Just back and forth and up and down. What choices do we have as supporters? What about enabling? Am I enabling him by being there?
And how about denial? Is it a conscious choice or isn’t it? I have given my loved one compassion, understanding, and unconditional love so he can make a mockery of my identity and my love. I read a statistic the other day that only 60-80% of men will even get help because of society’s King Kong image of men. What makes a man reach out for help? Ugh, I’m so frustrated and I’m tired of being a saint all the time… being strong all the time… Please forgive my negativity. Liza, it breaks my heart to think you’re out there wanting your partner to help you while I’m doing all these things to help my partner who won’t accept it… Hugs for you~
In reference to the previous letter, I just want to say that we all have bad days;however, i support my daughter who is Bipolar I who has these episodes and i can say from my experience that my dau’s episode of anger or upset will be much worse than a person who doesn’t have bipolar episodes. The level of anger or frustration is very difficult to live with so please be patient with your caregiver.
Is there quality to my life ? Is there a man that is there for me to lean on when I happen to have a bad day ? The answer is NO. He’s the needy and out-of control freak. Tomorrow is our fourth anniversary and I doubt if there will be a number five. I am worn out and need to care for myself and my own emotional needs.His bi-polar has worn me out as I have put myself on the back burner for so many years because of his mental issues.He always has to come first and his needs have to be met, and if they aren’t, then he name calls or cusses me out or threatens me. Funny – he would tell you that he treats me like a queen.
SH you are lucky. What if it has been soooo long since what someone was when stable? After 5 years it is hard, it is like two different people and the old one never comes back and the grieving over the person you knew for 15 years is really complicated. Watching someone have psychotic thoughts and act out on them and on you with anger is really hard to deal with and not healthy. I had hoped for so long that therapy and medication would be what would finally help but it never happened. The man I knew and loved is gone and the one that came in the wake is someone that is mean, abusive and nasty.
my husband is bipolar, february will be three years. at first it was so hard and some of the things he said and did hurt me so much but he found this website david oliver and since he did that i have read all davids stories about everything he went though with his mom all his life and without this website and God I dont think things would have worked out as good as they did with his pain meds and not taking the right meds or taking them like he should things would have fell apart for us i fought and got him away from pain doctors and got his right meds on track and yes he still has his up and down days but things would be worse and i love him to much to give up its hard at times but to make along storie short i just want to thank david and God cause without prayer and david i wouldnt understand and my marriage would have fell apart thank you david and please keep the great work you do going cause you do help people understand alot about bipolar without you i sure wouldnt thanks again your friend beverly.
just wanted to say my wife who is bipolar has been though hell juat admiting she has it,her whole family has it,we had seperated for 6months and thats when i really seen it.she had her days when she would hang around ,then days when i hardly seen her at all,but when she said i need help i was there ,wish i could say it was a quick fix but it wasnst,but being a supporter means just that,we have to learn what works for us as well for them,now her meds are right and wow
it really nice to live what i consider a normal life,before then i was ready to give up,i was just plain hell all the way,but i learned as much as i can and still do,sure there r moods short lived ,but also i kept in mind that i have bad days so i decide what happened to make her upset and see if that would make me upset,see there r still things that happen that make all of us have bad days,just because there biploar dosent mean there having a mood prob,i treat her like shes normal ,she takes her meds sees her doc and i go with her ,when she is having a mood swing i just dont say anything and then its over,but i try and treat her as like anything else is normal and it works,but we as supporters dont forget they have a disorder ,we just dont keep reminding them everytime they have a bad day
My hubby has soft bipolar-and it’s very difficult for me to know when a bad day is just a bad day-or will it turn into bad weeks? These episodes from the past that have turned into bad weeks takes its toll-mentally, physically and emotionally on me. So-when he starts off having an “off” day-my anxiety level starts to climb-and I get into the mind set of “here we go again”. It gets old, it wears me down at times. My hubby will say-“but I’m not like that anymore” because he is counseling and thinks this is going to cure him. He fails to realize that bilpolar meds should be taken and he won’t admit to it. He is at least staying on his antidep. med-but that only holds him so much. I just wonder how I will get use to the fact that it may just be a “bad day” and not a bad week/month. EWverytime I let my guard down-I feel like I get kicked in the back end!
I thought it was very interesting. I’m not married but I’m having the same problem with my daughter. I’m the one that is bipolar, and thes last few weeks i have been getting real emotional maybe its because of the holiday season. I got family all over the place but nobody calls to see how everything is going and my daughter wants me to do every thing and i’m getting really sick of it she is a teenager and I know she can do it herself. but she won’t. She wants a car and I told her no because she needs a job and keep it and she wants to get married to a guy that’s 2 times her age and I said no.
some of these coments are really intersting thank you everyone for posting them they really help.
I had a revelation yesterday. As a supporter, I am limited to the support I can give by how much my loved one will communicate with me about his feelings. I think that’s very profound. My loved one has now drifted far away to a place of perpetual fear and negativity and I can’t reach him at all anymore. I don’t know what he’s thinking… how he’s feeling… and I don’t think there’s anything I can do. Is there?
It isn’t easy, and it is never enough! My now ex is bi-polar. Just diagnosed in July after a suicide attempt that landed him in the hospital for almost 3 weeks. He was on his meds for a while, things were great, then the other night, he came home drunk and had stopped taking his meds which I didn’t know about, he is a cutter so he took out a box cutter and slashed his arm right in front of my children! (splattering blood on them). I got them out of the house and we went to the police station, they came and it took 4 officers to get him out of the house and in an ambulance, he is in the hospital now. I never want to hear from him again, my house was and still is in places, covered in blood, most of my furniture is going in the trash. It’s bad enough for me to be willing to put up with this behavior but when he does this in front of my children, it’s too much! I was going to marry this man, today I take our wedding rings back to the jewler, toss out blood stained carpeting and furniture, and try to move on and be strong. Being bi-polar myself, it’s not easy, but I take my meds and hang onto my faith, my kids need me to be strong. Oh yeah, he even tossed a butcher knife at my son and begged him to kill him, he could go up on serious charges for that one and end up in jail. His bad decisions.
Wow–not sure if i should feel relieved to hear of everyone else’s similar torture stories (as a supporter) or just run for the hills to save our four sons’ future sanity. My husband, 43, a responsibly, very intelligent, old geek, is bipolar and usually takes his meds. Every two or three years, he lapses into an episode from exteme stress at work or possibly slacking off on his meds. I have been to hospitals, psych. wards and doctor apts when he is brought back to reality and is contrite and overcome with emotion. Lately, though, the negative, irate, offensive and verbally abusive man is present more often than not, and I do not want our boys to see anymore than they already have. Although not full-blown manic, he has horrific irritable moods and threaten to take the house away from us, orders me to go back to work (i work at home raising our boys 10, 8, 4, adn 2, and keeping house). They say the worse thing a man can do to his children is mistreat their mother. I have been mistreated, cheated on, and I believe a divorce is in order. I shall no longer by sympathetic to his mental illness at the expense of my emotional health and dignity and self-respect. I did not used to think people are disposable, but I also refuse to be a doormat.
Reading these posts reassure me I am not alone and my feelings are typical. I am a BP supporter of a 14 year old daughter and as time has progressed her negativity, temper tantrums, etc. have increased. It has gotten so bad my two daughters currently live in separate households for safety reasons. The doctors and hospital claim its all behavior and social services really have no answers either. Hopefully in the future they will find a way to minimize the effects of BP. For now i figure I’m stuck with it until my daughter is old enough to kick out of my house.