Hi,

I got this email the other day and I wanted

to share it with you:

Dave, my husband has bipolar disorder, and I need to ask you something. All he seems to

do is lay around the house all the time. Is it wrong of me to want him to do something more?

He sleeps more than I think he should, too, but when I try to talk to him about it, we end up in

a fight with him accusing me of not being a good supporter. Am I a bad supporter or do I have a

right to have these expectations? What do you think?

———————————————————————————————————————

I know the story. I’ve heard it many times from other bipolar supporters.

What’s the difference between being a good and bad supporter and between having good and bad

expectations?

Well, first of all, let’s separate the two.

If your loved one is depressed, they may tend to lay around the house more or sleep more –

it’s part of the depressive part of the disorder. They lose interest in things, they cease to be

productive and some may even think about suicide.

Where is the line drawn between being a good supporter and a bad supporter? Or what about being an enabler?

Let’s take the example of the man from the email I was sent. If his wife continues to allow him to lay around doing nothing and sleeping all the time, isn’t she enabling him? She’s letting him do something he doesn’t have to do. He doesn’t have to be that way. He can get help. But is it her responsibility to get him help? No, I don’t think it is, because I think that would be enabling him.

But his wife does want to be a good supporter. She expects him to get up and be productive.

Many supporters expect their loved ones to be productive as well.

Is this a reasonable expectation or not? Let’s think about this.

For a person with bipolar disorder to get better, they need to do things for themselves. Being productive is one of those things.

I’ve had people tell me that once they got off the couch and out of bed, their lives improved immensely. So, of course, did their supporter’s lives.

It’s not an unreasonable expectation to want your loved one to get better. It’s also not an unreasonable expectation to expect them to do what they can to help themselves.

For example, they can be responsible for taking their own medication. If they have problems, there are ways they can learn to manage it.

They can also go to their own medical and mental health appointments and even be part of their own treatment team.

They can form their own support system made up of their primary supporter (probably you),

but others as well, such as: other family members, friends, support group members, church group

members, etc.

It’s ok for you to be their supporter, but be careful of supporter burnout, which happens when you do more for them than you do for yourself. Make sure you take care of yourself, too. If you get sick, who will take care of your loved one?

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave