Hi,
How’s it going?
I want to warn you today about something important.
It’s something that I see too many supporters do.
They are still making bipolar disorder the main focus of their life.
At first, when your loved one was initially diagnosed and you were learning all you could about bipolar disorder, it was your main focus, and that was ok.
But it still shouldn’t be the main focus of your life now.
The main focus of both of your lives should now be stability, or the management of your loved
one’s bipolar disorder.
You have to understand and realize that bipolar disorder is a lifelong illness and you and your loved one will be dealing with it for the rest of your lives.
Still, it shouldn’t be your main focus.
Even though there is no cure, bipolar disorder can still be treated with medication and therapy.
There are other things you can do to help your loved one to
maintain their stability as well.
Things that will keep the focus off their bipolar disorder.
Concentrate on your relationship, for one thing.
Remember that bipolar disorder is not what defines your loved one.
You are with them for other reasons.
Your loved one is a person with a unique personality, has interests and goals, and is capable
of living a stable, healthy life.
Surround yours and your loved one’s life with all that life has to offer, not bipolar disorder.
In my courses/systems, I talk about how important a good relationship is to bipolar stability:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
Concentrate on that relationship, and make it the best that you can.
Remember what brought you together in the first place. Don’t make the mistake of Don’t make the mistake of making bipolar disorder the only focus of your lives.
There is so much more to it than that.
You should share some common interests.
Enjoy doing the same things.
I know a couple who when they were dating, used to go to their favorite restaurant and eat strawberry shortcake and drink coffee and talk or hours, and despite the bipolar disorder, they still do it!
What was your favorite thing to do when you were first dating?
Do it again!
Spend time with your children.
Or even grandchildren, if you have them.
Don’t forget extended family, either. Family is important to your loved one’s stability.
A social life is important, too, so they don’t isolate, because isolation is a trigger to a bipolar episode.
And it, too, keeps the focus off the bipolar disorder.
And keep fun in your lives!
Try to think of some fun things to do.
Another couple I know enjoys playing board games, so they do that.
It doesn’t have to be anything fancy or extravagant.
The important thing is that you don’t make bipolar disorder the focus of your lives.
What do you do to keep the focus off bipolar disorder in your lives?
I’d love to hear some ideas.
I might even put them on here!
Post responses below
Wondering what brings on sudden onset bipolar disorder? This happened to my sister suddenly. And she is so different. She makes me feel “tolerated.” Not loved, but “tolerated.” I cannot go on in a meaningful relationship with a sister who just tolerates me. For the first 49-50 years of her life, we were best friends and closest sisters. Certainly not now. Any advice?
I am not tryuing to make my cons disorder my main focus – but he is not stable right now & he went of him new mess – did not like the side effects. You see joe is an artist and the meds make the voices go away and he thinksthat will take away his creativity? I pray they will find a med that he will tollerate –
David, I first want to thank you for your fortitude…I have been diagnosed for years, unfortunately I am allergic to almost every medication, so I am one that has no choice but to live with this disease. I am considered to be extremely severe by my doctors, and have been a guinea pig throughout the process. I just ask they not put me in an institution. I have 4 children, 4 grand children…I support 2 of the children and 2 grandchildren. I recently got a puppy, at the advice of my Dr. as “someone” to have as a Talk Therapy Partner, as my children have heard enough, and can’t handle the mania (going on for 8 months straight). The puppy doesn’t care, she listens, licks me, and doesn’t “freak out” on me. Somehow she helps me not feel alone…P.S. My Dad reads your posts, and has finally come to understand this disease, he always thought I was a drama queen seeking attention. Thank you!
Thank you for this post, it’s very important for support people to treat not define us by our disorder.
Hi,
My bipolar scares my daughter, she feels that it is a really crazy mental problem. I worry all the time and I do isolate myself. My ups and downs even with medication doesn’t seem to help. Bipolar is hard to manage. I find the medication weighs my mind down that I feel like a zombie. I do spend time with my grandchild and watch movies from time to time. Thanks
My 17 year old son has good days and bad days. He has days that he just wants me to leave him alone, and days that he wants to be with me and talk to me. I hold special those days. I try to take time to sit down and really listen to him. I catch up on my hugs and “I love yous” at those times too, because I don’t know when I will get the chance to tell him again.
Thank you for calling attention to this! I don’t hear nearly enough about the person who has the disorder.
It must be a dismal existence simply to wait for the next storm, or to have forgotten or put aside the things about a person who has bipolar disorder–what makes defines them as a person.
How sad, and totally unnecessary. And even sadder that some people choose to live there.
I have bipolar disorder, but I came to the doctor/therapist with a whole being, a soul, and a presence that this condition cannot/did not erase!
I refuse to be a walking cluster of symptoms, a label, an apology, a dull recording of the misfortunes I have experienced.
Bipolar disorder is a condition I have. It is not my name. (i.e., I am not “a bipolar,” I am not “bipolar.”)
I HAVE bipolar disorder. It is nothing more than the name the psychiatric professionals chose to describe my experience of the condition.
The other wonderful effect of separating the label/condition from the person is that it holds each of us responsible for who we are and what we do.
I have some good character traits, and others that are not enviable. I refuse to let bipolar disorder take any credit or blame for those things.
Doing that would be kind of throwing up my hands, surrendering everything that makes me who I am, and letting this condition overtake me.
Again, THANK YOU – I would write this message in the sky if I thought it would spread the word any faster.
J
I think cooking a meal together is a great idea. It can be a lot of fun!
This doesn’t work!
I’m still waiting for my boyfriend to want to do things together again. For over a month now he has just wanted to be left alone. I had hoped we would be going away together for a few days this summer. Recently he doesn’t even come to see me and doesn’t seem to want to spend any time with me. I feel fairly lonely and upset and he says he still loves me. I’m thinking of all the fun we used to have when we first got to know each other. We used to go out to pubs and clubs. We used to share food in each other’s places. We used to go shopping together. Sometimes, we watched tv together or listened to music. We used to have good sex. We often had a laugh and long conversations. We used to go for walks together at night, or in the day. We have done absolutely nothing together for the last 5 or 6 weeks. We have seen each other about 1 hour a week. He says he wants space and there are a number of people (mainly fairweather friends) crowding in on him and he tolerates them. Some of them stress him out and then he has no time left to spend with me and I’m supposed to be his girlfriend. He is still not quite through the depressive episode, which has been going on longer than ever before. I’m feeling sad and unwanted. There may well be something he is not telling me, although he used to tell me everything. Has anyone else had similar experiences with a bipolar loved one and s/he make it up to you?
“I’m still waiting for my boyfriend to want to do things together again…” for me, I’ve been waiting 19 years.
Hope is a terrible thing. I regret not putting myself first years ago.
Is he on seeking treatment or taking medication for his depression?
KAREN, thanks for your concern or was it addressed to Anne? Yes, my boyfriend is on meds. He has been on lithium and anti-depressants since he was diagnosed about 10 years ago. Just over a year ago he went through a very bad manic episode and spent 6 weeks in the psych ward. Since then he is also on zyprexa, which has made some things better and others worse. He has gained a lot of weight and lost a lot of interest in things he used to enjoy – many of those he enjoyed with me. Through the winter he was fairly down on and off, but still spent a lot of time with me. In April he moved house, which caused him a lot of stress, although it was his choice. At first he was very happy, then suddenly over night he was back in a depression. Since the end of May we have not spent the night together and I have only seen him about an hour every week. He says he’s feeling better, but he still wants a lot of sleep and wants to be left alone. His psych has changed the dosage of his meds slightly a couple of weeks ago. I can only hope and pray that he will get back to normal very soon. I am very patient and understanding, but don’t think I could wait as long as 19 years.
If I could do it all over again, I would listen to my instincts when, during the 1st week of our marriage 35 years ago, my husband exploded into a 3 day insane temper tanrum (over the earrings I left on the coffee table), of course directed at me.
My life has been hell in this marriage. He was finally diagnopsed a few years ago with Type 11 rapid cycling Bipolar. He is on 300 mg of lamotragine and 300 mg of lithium Anti-depressants made him really crazy and abusive.
For 35 years, he would have an episode for 3 or 4 days of every 7 day period. Now, with medication, he can be quite lovely, the man I love for 3 weeks. Then he has a 7 day episode. Right now we are looking at possible 600 mg of lithium. It is still not managed.
People talk about managing the bipolar but I would like to know if they can or not. My husband will feel bad about his abuse of me (even though he forgets many of the mean and vindictive things he directs solely at me)after his episode, but he ALWAYS denies his episode when it happens and always brutalizes me and blames me. It is always totally abusive and insane. I believe it is easier for him to be bipolar than is for me to be a supporter, because he is always able to blame all of his problems on me.It does not matter what I do- it is simply unbelievably painful to be hated so much by the person who supposedly loves you.
My suggestion to young people who are in relationships with people with bipolar, is to run away as fast as you can unless they happen to be extremely open to psychotherapy and medication etc. Even still, my husband has “smeared” my reputation with the people who are important to me with complete lies. Fortunately, a few people have seen him in his episodes and know he is bipolar but I continue to be shocked at those who buy in to his stories of me and do not believe he is bipolar. Of course, he reserves only those closest to him for his extreme abuse.
This leads me to my question:
Since he controls himself with most other people, is it not reasonalbe that he would be capable of managing his episodes with me????