1. Post responses below

2. Good luck to your Dad. I thank you for all you do. Good luck to your Mom…hang in there.

   Your Arizona friend

   Lee

3. I do agree. I often feel that I am being left behing. My husband has made excellent progress throughout the last 4 years. BUT!!! when does it end. I also get tired, but have to go on. If I am down, this is not acceptable. Question: do they always stay suspisious?? I have had a very hard 2 weeks, kids in hospital, mom being retrenced, me maybe not having a job for long? do they actually care about their partner, or do the illness prehibit them to care? thanx for lovely mail. regards Drieka Venter

4. I THINK THIS LADY IS A SAINT, HOW DARE THESE BIPOLAR PEOPLE WANT PITY,,, THEY KNOW THEY ARE ABUSE, AND THEY KEEP WANTING TO BE THE VICTIMS….. I KNOW THROUGH EXPERIENCE……………COME ON LETS PUT MORE INTO THE POOR SUPPORTERS OF BIPOLAR…….THEY ARE THE VICTIMS AND THE INNOCENT PEOPLE. AS ARE CHILDREN OF BIPOLAR PARENTS, AND THE FAMILYS………………………

5. Dear Dave,

   So sorry to hear about your dad. Suggestion, have someone stay with your mom with whom she is comfortable. That way she is not by herself with her mind racing to all the worst case scenarios for your dad. You and your family are in my prayers.

   Chris, bipolar survivor

6. Wel no-

   She not- She is an angel from the sky
   Bipolar is a 100 job and more
   Why do people like you- in the prosses of loving peolple like
   me (with biplar)- cut yourself out of live it self.

   Do your self a favour: take a day- an hour just for youself
   bipolians are the selfish ones

   Karen

7. I personally am not a Bipolar sufferer, but I have patients who are (I am a Psychologist) thank you for sending this information to me, which I then print off for them. I have found that Bipolar seems to manifest itself in the form of depression from October onwards through the winter months, perhaps because it is darker, and colder. I have also found that Bipolar sufferers are incredibly artistic, and often do their best work when at their lowest ebb. When in fact they have lost their feel good factor.
   I am so sorry to hear about your Father, I hope this does not affect your Mother too much, perhaps with him to care for she might be kept so occupied that her condition improves rather than deteriorates. Best of luck and thank you for the information, my patients thank you also. love and blessings Hilary

8. at the moment i am also going threw a difficult stage feel very down and everything looks glum and feel very sad what do you do when you feel like this not even the meds are helping

9. I feel the lady worrying about being a Selfish person is NOT a Selfish person, if she was she would not care whether she was being self centered, she is only being Concerned about her husband, and her life…..
   I personally do not think that can be classed as being Selfish. I have been in situations where I am dealing with something very difficult and others are complaining about their situation which, in fact ,was not as difficult as mine….but to them it was more than they could cope with…..maybe some of us just have better coping skills than others……..and in reality, some people are just Selfish, Selfcentered and they moan and groan louder and more often than the rest of the folks in a similar (and even a worse situation)….that’s just what it is like dealing with humans (in general)…..This lady should continue to focus on her husband and her situataion….and if she has any spare pity/mercy /love left over she can share it with these folks who have such poor coping skills…..Just my opinion…..Kathy

10. I don’t think she is being selfish. It’s obvious she loves her husband very much. I don’t think it is selfishness, but more a frustration that perhaps he is not getting the care he requires, and as to the people in the support group, that sounds as though she resents them for not having it as bad as she thinks she has it. If anything, I think she is a little short cited in the group. She should not be judging others lives. Everyone has their own life and experiences that may well be quite different from our own. She needs to have more respect for those people and perhaps have a bit more understanding. She could learn from them. If they don’t help her, it might not be out of their “not caring”, but out of lack of support skills. I mean, why is anyone in group? She has not connected with anyone in the group. Perhaps there is another group she could attend that would have more in common with her situation. She sounds frustrated. I hope she is more open during future group sessions. Maybe she needs to experience, the act of divulging pains as being a step toward personal growth, in that
    sometimes just by talking about our problems that can help us. She needs to be validated. She can get these things from one on one counseling. That may be what she needs right now.

11. I read all this and it is true. We all have pain but our own seems to be different. We still are hurting over our son leaving home on very upsetting terms. He was on the verge of being diagnosed when he refused all medication and counseling and left home. What do you do when they aren’t fully diagnosed, won’t admit anything, are miserable but wnn’t admit it, make everyone else miserable, and are old enough to be on their own? What then? What now?

12. First of all Dave, my prayers are with your family and especially your dad. Secondly, your right if she is wondering if she is selfish, she probably is not.. and third, i hope your mom remains stable through out all this…..
    peace and many blessings,
    Filiz

13. Hi as this is bad time of year for bi polar can you tell me how I contact frined up n London whom I have been trying to support (now from a distance) I have relocated to Galsatonbury 3 hours away!!! I always get , cant talk now am too busy which could be true but knowing my frined it could be a general putoff. She was brought up in area I am living in and wants to relocate here in January but I am painfully aware she is seeing a guy in London. How do I play this please ? I am not giving up on her. Thanks John

14. David, I am so sorry about your Dad, and my thoughts will be with you during this holiday season. My son has been through some terrible holidays, the last 3 or 4 Christmases he did not want to celebrate, was unable to go out of his apartment. We brought food and gifts to him, and many times the gifts were left unwrapped on the floor of his living room underneath the trash that he had let accumulate. I can’t imagine your Mom ever getting that bad, as she has so many supports in her favor. God bless all of you!

15. Sorry to hear about your dad.
    Goodluck
    Lynn

16. Hi David, I am sorry of your Dad, I hope he will be OK soon and without any problems.
    You asked whether we think that in your mail mentioned woman is selfish.
    I do not think so. And however we all need to be a little bit selfish, because we must survive. We must care about our health too, to be able to support our loved ones.

17. Bi Polar is Big for yhose who suffer and those who take care of them. I am a sufferer. I feel so bad that I become another person and do all the things that I do…I pray that somehow all will be known about this malady. I feel so sory for the caretakers..they are definitly wonderfully made individuals.

    Please do not be anxious, everything has a beginning and a end…all things will pass

18. I am in the same situation (kind of). My husband is bipolar. He has a brother 1-1/2 years younger than he is who smoked, drank, used drugs, and anything you can imagine for the better part of 40 years. Today is his 60th birthday, and he is in a semi-coma in a hospital a two hour drive away. My husband has been helping him and looking out for him ever since they were in an orphanage. Whenever we could, we would help him by giving him things to make his life a little easier, like a microwave oven, furniture, etc. He’d give it away we found out later. My husband and another brother are going to visit him today before he dies (he wants to make it to 60 years old, so he’s hanging on for several days now).
    I have been trying to keep him away from his brother, because the hospital called us trying to find next of kin to pay his hospital bill, and that would put us into bankruptcy since I just returned back to work 2 weeks ago after being off on short-term disability for four months. What concerns me more than the financial aspects of all this, is the fact that my husband is overdue for one of his episodes, and usually the stress of seeing this particular brother brings one on anyway.
    I have no one else to fall back on, since my husband doesn’t even know there is such a thing as bipolar, but he has all the classic symptoms of Bipolar I and is rapid-cycling and has been for 40+ years. Until I stumbled on your website, it never occurred to me that he had anything more than a really bad temper, since my temper isn’t anything to brag about either.
    But back to the selfish part. Am I selfish for trying to protect my husband from himself at the expense of seeing his brother one last time? With Thanksgiving coming up soon, I doubt he will be over the emotional impact of all this by then, and the holidays have always been a notoriously bad time for him. Usually right after his birthday on the 13th of January, things start to get better, but he has always ruined the holidays for my two sons and me. Maybe I should be thankful that everything will hit at the same time and I can get it over with.

    Janet

19. Anyone dealing with Bipolar in anyway has a specialness. May God Belss thise who help and those who have..

20. David,

    Sorry to hear about your dad and mom. Just wanted to say thank you for your daily emails. Will be praying for you.

    Susan

21. Hi Dave;
    I have bipolar disorder and have been working with it for quite a while. The worst thing that I see is the inability to find a support group for my wife. She wants to find out what to do when I am in a manic state she asks me what she should do and I really don’t know. I recently had a manic episode and went out and had a few drinks, well I ended up in some very serious trouble. I was arrested for DWI. This is a shot in the dark but are there any Lawyers that handle these type of cases for bipolar people like myself? Keep up the good work Dave and the best to you and your family.

    Dave

22. Please keeps us updated on your parents. Lots of Prayers, as well as mine too, are for the both of them and you. Hopefully, your Dad will make a full recovery from his stroke and your Mother will not suffer another Manic Episode. We all have to remember that no matter how bad it may be for us right now, there are plenty of others who have it worse. Take care of your Parents 1st, David and then worry about the mails to all of us. I am sure anyone can understand that a family crisis, such as you are experiencing, needs your attention more than a bunch of strangers. We all appreciate, well most of us anyways, and rely upon you for BP info, but you must prioritize now and Family must be placed above work!

23. I am moved that you keep sending us your helping mails in a moment so difficult for you. I wish from all my heart all the best for your Dad and Mom. All you went through seems to have made you uncommonly strong and able to cope. Again all my best wishes and affection to you and all your family,
    Gloria

24. Hi Dave, I’m sorry to hear about your Dad. My prayers are with you and your family.
    Keep up the good work.

    God bless you and your family.

25. I don’t think this woman should consider herself selfish. Taking care of a bipolar person is time-consuming. I know. I have bipolar. My mother deals with me on a regular basis, and she is one who got me to the doctor who has gotten on an even keel. I live by myself, take care of my own house, and pay my own bills–I have a plan for everything that she and I came up with together. And yes, I do get depressed this time of year. My dr. knows I would prefer that it stay summer all the time. I think it has something to do with the difference in light between summer and fall. I hate the time change.

    I do take care of my mother. I took care of her house and her dog while she had knee replacement surgery this summer, and I have taken care of her since she had cataract surgery and her polymyalgia acted up again.

    The main thing she wants for me is to be as independent as possible, but to know when I need to ask for help. She is part of a NAMI group that helps her a lot, and I have friends who know what to watch for in me and will tell me when something is not right. WE ARE NOT ALL WHINING CRYBABIES!!!

    Not all bipolar people sit around feeling sorry for themselves. I am taking on-line classes. I don’t have time to sit around and feel sorry for myself.

26. David,
    So sorry to hear about your dad. Good luck. Hope your mom will be okay through all this. Best wishes to you and yours.

27. No,she is not selfish.
    I am sorry to hear about your mom and dad. I will keep them in my prayers. I wish them all the best. Look to the Lord Jesus Christ for your strenghth and ask him for wisdom on this situation and all that comes at you. He IS your source of strenghth, joy, and peace. There is NOTHING to big for God. Give all your worries and burdens to the Lord and ask him to take care of them,and he will. Just leave it in his hands.
    He says in his word,He will never leave you ,nor forsake you. God can do eveything, But fail. I left my sons bipolar in Jesus hands and he has helped my son so much. Through my prayers for him, Jesus is helping him,using others, cope and learn how to manage things.

    May God Bless you,
    A friend from NC

28. About that women thinking she is being selfish, she has a right to be that way she wouldnt be human if she wasnt! She knows how she feels so that is 1 step for change! Sorry about ur dad but ur mom did have the right to know! She would be worse if u hid it from her! My dad died in my house while I slept and I a women with bipolar and M.S. found him. I did all I needed to do but he was dead! Im glad It was me who found him since I had 2 small kids at home at that time! I can handle extreme stress better than everyday stress so God new all would be fine!

29. Hi David~~Prayers for ur Dad&Mom&family~~I agree this lady is not selfish&days I get overwelmed myself!! Why me?? but try to remember God only gives us what we can handle.Please, keep us updated on ur DAD&MOM~~Thinking of you all~~~~~Hugs Margie

30. Sorry to hear about your dad, I hope everything is well. I am going through a horrible time dealing with my bipolar right now, it’s still new to me. My relationship is really suffering because he does not know how to deal with my episodes which happen a lot…mostly because I don’t feel he loves me as much as he use to. It’s also hard because I don’t get to spend much time with him either, which he says is because I complain all the time, or upset about something.
    Some advice would be nice because I am absolutely hopeless…about everything. Work, my kids, my relationship…EVERYTHING.

31. ADULTS WITH BIPOLAR HAVE TO MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS ON GETTING HELP. MY DAUGHTER IS 43 , ALL GROWN UP AND NOT ACCEPTING , SHE IS IN TROUBLE WITH A MANIC STAGE, HELP HELP I AM GOING TO CHURCH, NO ONE LEFT TO TURN TOO. FROM ARIZONA

32. David, I hope things go well for you family. My Dad suffers from severe depression, and whenever my Mom has a health problems, and she has had many, he steps up to the plate and appears much better than we ever think he can be! It’s as though he knows deep down he needs to be there for her. My parents have been together for over 50 years and don’t seem to get along that well, but when push comes to shove, responsiblity takes over and we are all relieved. Good luck, God Bless you and your family at this difficult time.

33. So sorry to hear about your Dad, also your Mom’s reaction to this time of year. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you. Sometimes, as a supporter it is hard to think of yourself, only the person you are supporting. I find it difficult to restrain myself from helping them ‘too much’. My grown daughter is bipolar and lives in another state, I try to give her sound advice, get her to see doctors/therapist (which I think she does on her own), call her daily (right now she won’t talk to me because I wouldn’t give her money to throw away), just hope she will get over it, soon. No, the lady is not selfish, just needs to get her priorities in order and think of herself once in awhile so she will be better able to help her husband in the future.

34. No, absolutely not selfish. Quite the opposite she is selfless and quite admirable for her dedication and devotion of her spouse. It is usually a thankless endevor supporting someone who is afflicted. Most people try to encourage you to give up. Love is the strongest emotion of all, and the first one to be attacked by self centered people impaired by bi polar behavior. I hope that you seek Gods help and strength for yourself, and your spouse. People with bi polar tend to deny responsibilty for their behavior, and blame everyone else instead.

    David, peace be with you.

35. Sorry to hear about your dad David.

    What I am going to say is not going to popular but nonetheless is true…

    Sometimes supporters are more concerned about what others think of them than actually doing the best that they can do. Sometimes doing the best thing for the person you are supporting is to ASK someone else for some help, never expect that they know you need help – ASK. Supporters must take time for themselves and allow others to help them with their patient. There will be no shining trophy when you collapse from taking care of your patient but when you are feeling healthy and truly able to give your best to your patient by diversifying the care with others you will be able to persevere.

36. I have a child that has bi-polar and i know the feeling when she says that it takes most of your time. It is really a challenge to give as much time to the bi-polar child with out excluding my other child or my husband (Step-father). Trying to juggle your time amongst all those in your life and still be able to have enough energy to deal with my bi-polar child is always very stressful these days. As my child enters puberty delayed somewhat by the meds he has taken since kindergarten, I just want to make sure he makes it successfully through this transition in his life. As I have read in other accounts, this is also our bad time of the year (Oct-Jan) and while I am not bi-polar that I know of I also cycle through this time period dealing with depression. The happy news because everyone needs happy news is that thanks to this email site and the advice given by David, I set about putting together a system for him and it has made all the difference int he world to us. He is doing much better than he has in the last four years because I got him back into counseling and to a new meds doctor that had experience dealing with bi-polar. We worked very hard for fidning the right meds combination that finally stabilized him. he has been stable and doing fairly well in all aspects of his life for about six months now. A supporters ultimate wish for their person with bi-polar. have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

37. No I don,t think she is beeng selfish, one can not worried about people tha they don,t know and every situation is different.i think this woman just by taking care of her husbend has plenty on her plate and she is willing to help. Tell her not to worried about selfishness and if any thing she should take more care about her self.

38. first of all, I want to offer my sincere condolences to you in regards to your father’s stroke. I hope that it isn’t too severe and that he makes a full and quick recovery. My grandmother recently had a stroke, so I know how devastating that can be. In regards to the lady who wonders if she is being ‘selfish’ to feel that she only has enough to give of herself to her husband. What is wrong with that? Her priorities are her kids/spouse…FIRST AND FOREMOST!!!! and herself, of course. Than, if she feels she has enough left to give of herself to others, she can. If not, why should she concern herself so much with it? Let’s face it. Most of us are dealing with this disease and the ‘ripple effect’ it has ….on our own. No (or very little) help and/or support. That is the reality of the situation. So, if she doesn’t focus on her spouse, than who will? As for the other people who she feels their loved ones are doing better,yet they complain the loudest…..one thing I have learned in life is that everyone is different. Each experience and how we absorb/deal with it is as individual as we are. Outwardly, they may seem to be better off, but in reality that may just not be the case. So, my advice to her is…focus on her priorities. And just ‘tune out’ all the unnecessary ‘noise’. If she can work on that, than she will probably feel more confident in what she is doing and realize that it isn’t important what all those other people think, only what she and the ones she loves/cares for the most.

39. My prayers for your parents. She is not selfish I know how she feels. My husband has been diagnosed bipolar for 12 years now, on and off medications. Right now he is not taking medications for the past year and a half. I am constantly accused of being selfish, not only by my bipolar husband but by our daughters as they interpret my care for him like I don’t care for them. It is very difficult to be in this position as one feels pulled from every extremity and you just hope you are elastic enough not to break. God is my support group, he has given me the peace that surpases all understanding.

40. My dear Dave
    I feel symphony with you. My Mother in law (who has passed away) was bi-polar. a week before she died looked at me and said I have to forgive everybody, and in her last week her face relaxed and she regained some of the beauty of her youth and went to meet our savior with a smile.
    I do not know what or how youbelieve but Jesus said if you will ot forgive your adversary He will not forgive you and will turn you over to the tormentors.
    Who are they?(the tormentors)
    What is bi-polar? A torment

41. Dave:

    I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad. How bad is it? There are minor strokes, temporary strokes, and permanent, debilitating strokes. Sometimes you can’t know for a while… But this kind of even can change things forever in a family. As the primary supporter, you have your work cut out for you! You will all be in my thoughts and prayers.

    I have had times when I’ve been really depressed, and then some kind of crisis comes up, and I’m able to “snap out of it” and do what I need today.
    It’s most dangerous, for me, when things calm back down.

    I feel very strongly that NO ONE is ever “selfish” or “bad” just for having feelings. Feelings are not good or bad, and we really can’t help having them. I believe that we all do as well as we can at any given time, but have found, for myself, that the answer is to work through those feelings so that we can keep our behavior appropriate and in control. We shouldn’t judge our feelings, or those of someone else. But it is reasonable to require of ourselves and others that we avail ourselves of any and all resources so that we can cope and behave properly.

    Again, Dave, God bless you and your Mom and Dad…

42. Sorry for your dad david. I don’t think this lady is selfish but as pointed out everyone sees their own problems worst than others, but reading through the all of the above, most seem to be supporters, so how can they know what its really like to be in the head of person with bp. I know its not easy at all for the supporter but people with bp (well most would) swap it to have a normal life. we dont like what bp does to us no more than the people around us. well thats my opinion. when I’m really bad to suicidal state I’ve myself convinced that my children and husband would be better off without me been in this world. It may sound very selfish but reading the above has shown me that the supporters dont really want to be there. they’re there because they feel trapped for whatever reasons they may have. Not all are, dont get me wrong there are loads of good people in this world who do give their time and energy.God Bless All

43. I don’t feel that she is being selfish at all. It is common for bipolar patients and caregivers to try to, “save the world.” This is not possible until you save yourself or your loved one. If any of you out there have ever had a stay at a Psychiatric hospital, you know what I mean. It is really easy to get caught up in everyone elses problems. It is easy to think how bad that others situations are. You don’t get better helping other people first. I don’t mean to sound like I have no sympathy for others, but, I have realized that I can’t help anyone else until I have helped myself.

44. Sorry to Hear about your father, and good luck with your Mother! I competely understand about the holidays they are the worst time for Bipolar. Also I don’t think She is being selfish at all, I understand the pain see is going through all the time. It is a 100% job in it self to take care of her husband with Bipolar. They can be very dependent on the Supporter Most of the time. And they don’t really understand when you are having a bad day yourself. And sometimes You as a supporter feel like they just don’t care. Because Myself is a supporter to Bipolar and also have a chemical inbalance myself. So please try to hang in there, Good Luck
    Sara

45. Hi Dave

    All the best to you and your family and hope everything goes well. You are in my prayers.

    Have a good day!!!!!!

46. I have learned a lot from your daily emails. My husband is bipolar and it has been a long journey. I now have children with bipolar disease and it is much harder than dealing with an adult.
    I was looking at your bipolar parenting page. You say nothing about children self-medicating with drugs. I have two children with bipolar. One is facing significant jail time for his drug addiction and another who is just getting started with experimenting. I have had them to counselors and doctors for many years and no one is able to help. How sad it is that this disease is so ignored. Lives are ruined by it.

47. David:

    First, I will be praying for your Father and his immediate health conditions as well as for your mother’s health in your absence.

    As to the woman descibed…

    Yes, she is being selfish – and human! We are all sinful because of the Adamic curse upon mankind and selfishness is one of the hardest sins to overcome. Living with someone who is bipolar and untreated causes such stress and uncertainty, that all you can thing about is stopping the hurt personally! When the situation calms down and the daily pressures are not bearing down on you, you can then start to look at others, even without a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. But if we are Christian’s, hopefully we can love and reachout to others, even when our own life is crazy. But without the supernatural love of Christ in our lives, it is just not a normal situation to worry about others when we are struggling. I know this for a fact because I have experienced it and know what a difference it makes.

    Take care David and God Bless you and your family.

    Love in Christ,

    Ray Rambo

48. Dear Dave, I add my praying for your dad and also for your mum. Knowing that we have a heavenly Father who watches over us and our loved ones. He is the fortress we can trust and His wisdom guides us in times of need. Need is something we all know daily but we also know God is more than able, and willing to answer us.

    in Christ’s blessings,

    Neville.

49. Hi David, First off let me say how very sorry I am about your dad. It is very difficult when a loved one has a stroke and can be a long recovery. My prayers are with your family and you. I pray the stroke has no lasting complications. Seems your family has had it share as have so many others.

    As for the “selfishness” of the woman you spoke to. In my opinion and experience, it is always the selfish ones who accuse others of being selfish. I agree, if she were to be labeled as a selfish individual, she would not be concerned and certainly she would not be a supporter. A selfish person would be long gone and not care.

    May God watch over your family and relieve you and your mom of stresses. You, my friend David, have quite a bit on your own plate, I hope you are also taking care of you.

    Wishing you a peaceful day full of good news.

    Best Regards!

50. So sorry Dave, you have helped SO MANY of us, I wish you well.

51. Sorry about your Dad I hope he gets well quickly. I hope your Mom doesn’t get to bad. Take care of yourself. Reading your writing you are like family.
    Shirley

52. No. She is not selfish. Charity begins at home. If things are not going well with your loved one, you don’t have anything more to give anyone else.

    I have no doubt, that at some point, her loved one will be more stable and she will then have the energy to take someone else through the process. When my (now) 23 year old was in jail, my (then) 8 year old was suicidal, and my husband was off his meds, I wasn’t particularly helpful to anyone. Now that they are under better control, I have some time to share my hard fought wisdom.

    Regarding your father, ditto to all of the above wishes.

53. She’s not selfish. Living with someone who has bipolar can be isolating. We are all struggling to to keep our own ship afloat, when it feels like nothing we do is appreciated.

54. Dear,Dadid
    Your aricles are always very helpful and apply to real life.
    I tremendously enjoy them. I just want you to know how
    sorry I am about your father illness and all the implications
    to your family and I just hope and pray for the best. Until
    them it will be vey hard for you to concentrate on your work
    and deal with your mother as well.

55. Dear Mr. Oliver,
    Sending you an express delivery of good luck and best wishes that everthing will turn out ok,all around….Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

56. Dave,

    I am sorry to hear about your dad’s stroke and your mothers stuggle with mania. You have been the prodigal son. God has used you to bring out the hope in others by your information and right now he will pull you all through in the way he has intended. I am praying for a very positive outcome for all of you…. In the mean time know that many people are praying for you to now give you back some of that hope….Prayer is a very powerful thing and God has said prayer is more powerful in numbers… Please be “mindful” of where you need to be right now.

    Now as far as the lady feeling selfish I would have to say the word selfish is pretty harsh. I would say more so that she is in the the 2nd stage of the five stages of dying which is “Anger”. When people first learn they have bipolar or a loved one has bipolar it takes a while to process. I know being a supporter it took me some time and I am a medical person…. One of the first books which was given to me by the NAMI facilitator when I attended my first meeting 7 years ago to help me through this process was the AL- Anon book used by AA. Instead of reading the word alcoholic in the book I was told to replace that word with mental illness which really helped me to get a grip on me and that this was in fact no ones fault. I had no control over mental illness and it did not control me. It released alot of anger and only then could I move forward. Many feelings, emotions and stages of realities take place. Everyone deals with things differently so some will go through these stages slower then others.
    The stages are denial, anger, bargaining,depression, and acceptance. These are the five stages of dying by Barabra Gould and you can look these up to apply to bipolar disorder. The life you once thought you had is now over or”dead” and you must learn how to deal with the reality of the life in front of you now. NAMI is a great support group if run effectively. I would say that ours is. So much so that now I facilitate after learning so much and applying it daily….and I am helping those like Dave to weed through this very tough stuff and tell you things the doctors don’t and from 20 years of experience. I suggest that this lady get into a support group where she is in fact heard and is given concrete problem solving tools. Everyone does have time to vent @ these meetings, but only 1-2 minutes each and then we problem solve,have an educational component, and discuss….
    At the end of the meeting everyone reports on what has helped them and what they will take home and apply…. I also recommend 1 on 1 counseling for her….until she is at a place where she has worked through her rightful and normal emotions and then to use it as needed.

57. November 19, 2008

    Hello David,

    I am very sorry to hear about your father and his stroke. I will pray for him, you, your mother, and the rest of the family, as I always do everyday. FOR THE WORLD, I ALWAYS PRAY.

    Now, on to the topic in question about being “selfish”.

    We all have an over-whelming situation in our lives, either from time-to-time, or on a “REGULAR” basis. AND we all are aware of this. First, before I open my mouth to a conversation with a “total stranger”, on any subject as deep or serious as “bipolar”, I would find out from that person whether or not they’re “familiar” with the disease.

    If not, I’d explain to them what it’s about, and I would say this, “NO DISREPECT” to ANYONE that has a loved one or themselves that have bipolar but, my focus is on my husband’s needs first. However, if someone needed a lending hand, if my day or time is not over-whelmed with my house personal needs, I will do my best to helping them.

    WE ALL NEED TO LEARN THIS “IMPORTANT” PHRASE, “ONE HAND WASHES THE OTHER.”

    I hope that this person is not a “church-goer”, and have this attitude. OR,
    maybe she needs church-fellowship, in LEARNING how to SHARE and CARE outside of her environment.

    I took care of my mother for almost eight years. Single-handed the last six years, and I STILL had room in my day, to work, and helping others. My mother was an invalid in EVERY sense of the word. NO ONE never saw me with a frown on my face. GOD IS “AWESOME”, and if this female had him in her life, SHE would have NEVER come out of her mouth to saying something like that.

    It might not have been the word “selfish” she was, however, she is not a person I’d RELY ON for even a “breath of FRESH AIR.

    Make certain you stay in touch with your mother, and “prayer do work!!”

    Very many blessings to you from UP ABOVE, and may you enjoy the holiday season to come.

    Take very great care of yourself, and enjoy the rest of the week.

    Very sincerely,

    RozKJ*

58. I hope your Dad is making a good recovering.

    You are right, the lady is not being selfish.

    I think she may be missing the point about supporters groups. Sure, it is good if they can help each other, but one way of helping each other is by allowing each to let off steam, to pour out how they feel, how upset with the World and BP they are! It doesn’t matter if person A is actually in a worse position than Person B. It’s still horrible for Person A and they don’t know what it’s like for things to be worse! What they may see of their own situation probably will be the worst they’ve ever known. We should not judge each other in these kinds of environments, but just let each other have that Cathartic experience to let off the steam, to release some of the frustrations. After all, who else does a supporter have to talk to, who will understand them and what they are feeling? No one except another supporter! It serves them little good to try talking about their experiences with people who don’t understand! So, they must feel free to release their frustrations by talking to fellow supporters. After all, a support group IS meant to be about supporting each other!

59. Hi Dave:

    Thanks for this post. My husband has bipolar I and the worst time of the year for his is also fall/winter. I do feel selfish for trying to take care of myself because I’ve been his caregiver for the last 15 years or so. I just recently gave myself “permission” to give back to myself by taking care of me, I’m not talking about material things, but little things like getting enough sleep, eating right, and just taking a little quiet time. I’ve always felt guilty, like I wasn’t doing enough and now, during the hardest part of the year, I feel the worst. I know that I shouldn’t feel this way but the bipolar is so consuming at times that it is hard to get out of the mindset. Anyway, thanks for your help and the info that you share. Together my husband and I work at our relationship everyday, some days are better than others, as you know and it’s nice to have people who are going through the same thing. Aloha — Kim

60. i have bi polar and i no my bf loves me but fell like im spoilin his life that one day hell hate my guts and i often acuse him of it i excuse my kids of the same things

    none of the supports hes put in are working and neather are my therpy seasons and trying to stay busy i go into a full epsode at least 2 times a week im getting scared and thinking im hurting them im driving them away

    my therpist isnt helping at all and when i come out of there the first thing i do when i get home is look for sharp opjects to hurt myself which with my bf locking all them up its harder i hate drinking from plastic and not having anything to eat with sept spoon just in case

    im pushing my kids away and they need me i did have my bipolar undercontrol till my marrige feel to bits i keep thinking it will happen with my bf he keeps telling me he loves me and he wants to be with me and cares bout me and wants to keep me safe but i often feel he doesnt and im hurtng him

    sorry to waste all ur time in reading this im being stupid sorry im just a waste of space everyone would be happyer with me dead

61. I am very new to the daily emails that Dave sends- I found them because I have a friend of 2 months with bipolar who is going through a divorce and I was trying to find ways to help him.
    The information and stories I receive are very helpful, but unfortunately being a new friend makes me somewhat of an outsider and being a supporter is difficult to do with limited access to my friend. He was doing well on his medication, and now is refusing to take them and I am worried now about the holidays and depression.
    Keep the stories and email coming as soon as you get settled with your family- we will all be here whenever you’re ready!
    Thank you for all of the great information… at the very least it helps me understand him better. He is a wonderful friend that I treasure, and anything I can do to help him I will do, so keep the tips coming. 🙂
    My prayers are going out to you and your parents!

62. Hey mama,
    If you are still reading this blog hang in there! As an outsider to your world the only thing I can do is throw you a lifeline and try to help you hang on- I can only imagine what depression feels like to you, but you described it very well and it sounds like it hurts plenty.

    Just know that you have people that care about you and you should reach out to them and let them help you… hopefully you let them read the information here, so they can better understand… keep writing, it definitely helps!

63. mama
    I’m not going to tell you not to worry, or that everything is rosy. It isn’t and you’d not believe me even if I said it was. But get this through – you arte feeling this way because of the BP, not because of you. If you really are pushing people away, it;s not because of you, it’s the BP. (Ummm .. a thought. You reckon you are pushing people away. Are you? Have you asked them if that is how they feel? Try it, and you may find you get a surprising answer …) You presently see things in a negative way – life’s too much, you feel stupid, you think everyone would be happier if you were dead, etc. Well, you see things that way because there are coloured shades ov er your eyes, such that you see things differently. And guess what? Yup, those shades belong to Mr BP! Not your fault, it’s BP.
    But let’s tackle on thing here…
    You reckon everyone would be a lot happier if you were dead. You think so? Then ask them! Ask your BF or your kids and your friends: say, “Be honest with me, would you be happier if I were dead?” I’ll bet you $50 they’ll all say, “NO WAY!” But don’t take my word for that – ask them. Go on. Ask them. If they say “yes” then you know you are right, and you know what you could do to make them happy. If they say “no” then you won’t have a reason to beat up on yourself so much as you are doing now.
    What are you waiting for?! Ask them!!!

64. Oh, Dave – how sorry I feel about your father’s stroke. Am praying that it is only ischemic, and not debilitating, where he loses any of his functions. AND, as far as your mother is concerned; it MAY bring out a strength she never knew she had. As Sue from OH said – if she’s “slumping,” and a crisis emerges, she’ll “snap out of it” and handle it. All my fervent prayers are for your father and mother, AND, of course, YOU, during this very difficult time. “Lean not on your own understanding; for he has promised us a clear mind.” (This is just paraphrasing from the Bible.) I know you’re torn between taking good care of your Dad AND your Mom at this time, but take time for YOURSELF so you can better deal with this tragic time in your life. All my thoughts and prayers are with you right now, and in the days to come.

    Not having, or been, a supporter, I can’t comment on the woman’s “selfishness.” All I can say is, my cousin said I “was my Mother’s sunrise and sunset,” and everything she did, she did for me. This is a heavy responsibility to put on a bipolar person, but I treated my Mom VERY well while she suffered, and died, from Alzheimer’s.

    I agree with the woman who said to find someone to stay with your Mom while your Dad is in the hospital; it is NOT safe for her to be alone now, as she will ONLY live in her head and imagine the worst.

    I KNOW how important your daily emails are, but if you miss one, we will all understand. Take care of yourself, and you can take care of your loved ones better.

    HAVE A HEALTHY THANKSGIVING, and know that all of us are praying for you.

    BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.

65. David, I hope your father is doing well and can get well quick.

    I am so glad you brought this subject up, I just said something similar not long ago. I do not think this woman is selfish at all. I believe she is protecting herself in her responsibility to support her loved one. It’s kind of like a volunteer who doesn’t know how to say “no”. Chances are, that volunteer will become so overloaded and/or burned out that he/she cannot be useful and productive in the work they do.

    I am raising a 4 yr old grandson who has Bipolar. His Pre-K teacher told me she was concerned that the education of the other children in the class was being hampered because of him. My response was that he has a right to an education and a right to be taught in a way that he can learn. I later told my daughter that I understand what she means but the truth is, I don’t give a da*n about those other children, their education is not my concern at all, I am only concerned about him and his education. Now, I know that sounds pretty selfish and harsh, especially when talking about children but it’s the truth. Supporting him is so consuming that if I actually CARED about all those other children, I would be too spent to care about him and he would be the one to suffer as the result. I have learned that supporting anyone with Bipolar is a true labor of love and I don’t see how even the word “selfish” has a place in that.

66. So sorry to hear your bad news David.
    Hope your Dad has a good recovery and that your Mum copes with it all.
    Please don’t worry about the emails although we all enjoy receiving them.
    Just concentrate on your family first and foremost and of course look after yourself.
    God bless we are praying.
    Take care and all the very best

67. Hi Dave,
    I am sorry to hear about your father, I hope you have people to help you too through this.

    As a supporter of a husband with bi-polar I found your email today very interesting. I no longer have a relationship with either of my parents because they (and I quote their latest email to me) think “you are selfish, self centered and only think about my own needs and problems, and you don’t consider other people’s problems.” I found this really difficult to read/hear.

    My husband was diagnosed in July this year. Before diagnosis he slept at the most 1-2 hours per night if at all. He went missing for two days, and he was suicidal. We have two small children, and I have spend the last 6 months doing nothing else but keeping my family above water. To be isolated from my parents during this has made life even more challenging.

    I am going to see a psychologist myself this Friday as now I don’t sleep and have been suffering panic attacks. This has been going on for a while, but I haven’t had time to look after myself. I feel like everyday I give a lot of myself. I do it because I want to and I love my husband and my children. I don’t have a lot of energy at the moment to give much more to others. Yet I am accused of being selfish. It hurts a lot.

    Your emails each day have made such a difference to me over the last 6 months. Every now and again there is one that makes such a difference to me getting through the day as I learn so much from your experiences and what you write.

    Thank you. From a Bipolar supporter in Australia

68. Dave,

    With all you have going on in your life right now, you must remember you can only do so much. Something may have to be sacrificed, to gain the best quality of life, for all those you love (including yourself). “Take what you need and leave the rest” (Didn’t I get that from one of your emails?).
    Only you can be the judge of that.

    Judgement from others on whether you or anybody else is selfish is a distraction. “Judge not lest ye be judged” (Jesus). It would be a much better world if we would only apply our thoughts toward conquering problems and enjoying the good things in our lives.

    Babies learn to walk and talk, because they are able to realize they will gain by doing these things. What parent calls their child selfish for saying, “mama/dada” the first time? That moment is too precious for that thought to be considered!

    My Family is waiting for me to join them for dinner, I’d love to say more.

    To: mama at 6:02 pm, PLEASE, don’t believe you’re stupid, OR people are better off without you! You have a purpose! You are valuable!

    Dave, you and your Family are in my prayers, Vicky

69. Dear Dave ,
    First of all , i want to say my prayers go out to your Dad and your Mom as well…. I am living with bipolar and i am a mother of two . My son is ADHD and i deal with my own disorder plus i deal with my sons as well. I must say i agree and i disagree with that womans response . I attend to my therapy sessions and to my sons as well . And i must say i have seen parents of children who have commited suicide and thanks to their Generosity and their Caring Hearts they are willing to share their stories to other people with the disorder so that way we can recognize some”RED FLAGS ” when headed our way …. I was diagnosed in May of this year after i went to the hospital for almost killing myself . I had no clue what bipolar was nor did i even know what an episode was as well. All i knew was i felt as if i was going crazy …. I had no control . I didn’t want to die . I have 2 children who i Love more than anything in this world just as those parents did and I am sure their children didn’t want to die either . They were just VICTIMS of THIS CRUEL DISORDER and didn’t ask to be this way nor did they even know how to deal with it . Many of them didn’t even know they had it until it was too late . SO THANKS TO THOSE PARENTS who take their time to Help other VICTIMS OF BIPOLAR before it’s too late .. AND THANKS TO ALL THE SUPPORTERS OUT THERE AS WELL. I know i need my children as much as they need me too. The lord was watching over me .
    And lastly , i agree that there are some bipolar people out there who are better off than others and do portray to be the Victims …. My opinion is that i believe they have been living with it all there lives and they know how to beat the system …. Many of these people have experienced some traumatizing things in their lives that they just haven’t been able to let go of . They too have once been in our shoes and we should also congratulate them for getting this far . I also have noticed that many of these SURVIVORS Served our country and really did go thru worse things than we have and suffered many losses in there time .
    Let me just say , i give that woman props for caring for her husband … She is not selfish to him …. But i think that she should recognize the fact that if it were not for bringing other bipolar members to those therapy sessions it would be up to her to figure out on her own when her husband is having a relapse or not . What other people go thru to help her and her family support her loved one at home … BLESSINGS TO ALL>>>

70. I don’t think she is selfish. I think what she means is everything and everyone else has to be put on the back burner for a while. I feel her pain. my husband is also in bad shape. he has bipolarII, mixed and a rapid cycler. All my attention goes to him. I love my family and friends very much but right now I have to focuse on him. I care deeply for anyone with problems but I can’t deal with that right now. my husband is very sick and nothing is working. that is my only concern right now. so, no not selfish

71. I agree with you, David….. I’m sorry to hear about your dad. I hope he’s ok. I just found out yesterday that I’m bipolar, I kinda figured I was but just had to have it confirmed. I am very greatful for you and your valuable information on this illness. I don’t feel as alone as I would otherwise. Ruth

72. Dear David, I’ve just recently subscribed to your site. Such wonderful info I get everyday and it is very insiteful. I am the one with bipolar. I am so sorry about your dad . I hope he comes thur this ok. I’ve lost both my parents in the last recent years. I did have a support group of my husband and 21yr old daughter. THEy have turned on me as of late and I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. THere behavior borders on abuse. I don’t know what to do. Yur mom is so lucky to have you as a son. My family has watched my slow decline and offered no help what so ever. I hope your mom can come thur this . THis is a bad time of year for me too ,really there are not many good times at all. I pray everyday to live thur this. Susan moore Destin , fl

73. David

    I was very sorry to hear about what is happening with your parents. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you as you are going through this. Thank you for all the help you and the team are doing for all of us who have bipolar as well as our supporters. Your group is a tremendous BLESSING to a lot of people who truly know what it’s like to be hurting inside. God bless all of you with the strength that only He can give.

    Don McCombs

74. Dave,
    I am sorry to hear about your dad. I hope he feels much better soon. I hope you can help your mom be strong while your dad is recovering. My best wishes to you and your entire family.

75. Bless you for this site. I am sure that life will become better. It is never easy but we can learn from each journey. There has never been an event in my life that there hasn’t been a lesson. I love my child but it is really chalenging. My thoughts are with you and your family while you channel your thoughts now to your father. He needs you now and I’m sure it is his time to receive the most of your love. Bless all of you.
    Maria

76. Hi David,

    This is the 1st time I decided to response.
    No the person that is the supporter of the bipolar husband is not being selfish, it’s probably her husband that is being selfish.

    My experience with bipolar, is the extreme narsistic behavior.

    My experience is the care taker (or supporter) pretty much has to give up their life to become an extension of the bipolar loved one or else you are accused of not understanding them. Or worst, accused of some deceivious action that never crossed the care takers minds.

    I guess I am bitter. I was 18 years old when I married my bipolar husband.
    (undiagnosed). Every single thing in his life that went wrong was 100% my fault. It took me 10 years (and 4 children) to realize it wasn’t my fault and there was nothing wrong with me. (After I became a prefect wife, mother, cook, etc). I finally went to counseling to find out what was wrong with me that I was staying with a man who had abused me and the children for so many years.

    It took me another 8 years before I could get away from him. He had a breakdown and was no longer able to control me.

    I lived with my children in my friend garage. She forced me to get a job, and I did get one after my very 1st interview. As Duane’s wife, I never was allowed to work and I never thought I could, after all no one would hire some one as stupid as I was. Duane stalked me relentlessly for years. He tried to poison everyone against me. And after only 3 months on the job I ended up pregnant again. I cried and cried but did not give up. I went to work every day at a small Medical College. They trained me to be a Financial Aid Officer. Within 3 year I was able to support all of my children including the new baby, Bailin on my own. By this time Duane was moving from state to state to prevent from having to pay child support, he never did. I raised and supported my children on my own.
    It was hard but it was worth it. But the bad part is 2 out of the 5 children are bipolar. The last one Bailin (she wasn’t even raised by Duane) she is now 19, and Nicklaus who just turned 30. The both have a lot of the same tendencies as their dad. Ever thing that goes wrong in there life was my fault and I didn’t understand. I did finally say they were right, I did not understand, I will never understand how grown people came be so self centered. They always are soooooo hurt and sooooo emotional and think they should be pampered because they hurt. And never ever satisfied, they want and want and want, like a black hole, something is missing and they suck from me to try and fill there void. This is why I think they go so reckless, always trying to fill a void. Well I cannot fill up any ones voids anymore. I am bitter, I have been sucked dry and I am only a good mom (wife) when I don’t say no. I am tired of fighting. I am sooo thankful that Duane is gone and Nick and Bailin are grown. I love them, and I am there mother but the answer is no.

    Sorry about that, I thought I was all over my bitterness but I have to say Bipolar people (at least the ones I have dealt with) are so much more then bipolar. They seem to be very self-centered and extremely manipulating. They never seem to get tired of trying to trick you seeing thing their way. I feel like I always have to be mean because if I show kindness they take that as a weakness and start trying to trick you into doing something they want or need at that moment, even if you do indulge them within minutes it turns into new needs, so I have to be tough and stay on my guard constantly.

    Then there are the other kids, brother and sisters. Of course Bailin and Nick hate all of them, of course I always stuck up for the others all of there lives. Of course I never stuck up for them, just because I thought they were wrong doesn’t mean they were wrong. The only wrong one was me because I tried to make them responsible for there own actions.

    I am sure you have read this entire same story over and over again. I am venting and you seem like the one to vent to at this time. I forward a lot of your Blogs to Bailin and 1 day I asked her if she ever reads them. She said, “No, they are dumb and she wish I would quit sending them because she just deletes them”. That is the kind of attitude I am up against. I beg Nick to see a Doctor and get help, he said he gets all of the help he needs with his pot. He thinks his Pot is what helps him day to day.

    SO I rather leave them alone. I do feel guilty, extremely, after all, any women with 5 children always describes herself as mother 1st.

    Maybe I am being selfish or maybe I am tired of selfish people.

    This is my very 1st Blog to any website. I realize now I wasn’t suppose to write an essay. I guess I had a lot to say.

    Catherine R. Berry
    Director of Financial Aid

77. Dave, sorry to hear about your Dad. I hope and pray that he will make a full recovery. I also hope that you and your Mum are not getting too stressed out. Hope your brother and other family and friends will help out.

    My computer had crashed and only just been fixed, so I have only read through your emails of the last 5 days tonight. I was horrified to read about you going hiking and falling into a freezing river. You are lucky you didn’t get hypothermia. We can manage the occasional night without your email, if you were to take some much needed and well deserved time off to relax and recharge. But we would not want to lose you. You are extremely helpful to me and many others. Please look after yourself and be careful, especially now that your Mum and Dad need you more.

78. To CATHERINE: From what I hear you saying, you are absolutely a “Mother Courage.” What you have been put through in your life, shouldn’t happen to a dog (pardon my language). It must have been VERY hard putting up with a bipolar husband, but to have 2 out of your 5 kids with bipolar must have been a HORRIBLE shock.

    No, my dear, everything is NOT your fault. I’m glad you’ve gotten a job where your self-esteem and self-confidence can once again come to the forefront. You HAVE been abused in more ways than one. You deserve some happiness after all you’ve been through.

    NEVER apologize for “venting” here on Dave’s blog; that is what it is FOR. I assume you don’t have a Supporters Group you can “hang” with, nor are you in any kind of counseling. I suggest you go to the counseling center at your college, and “talk it out” so you won’t be so bitter.

    We’re possibly the same age, so you are NOT “washed up.” Without actively LOOKING, I’m sure there are some men out there who would be PROUD to be a companion/friend to you. At least, you’d KNOW what a “normal” relationship is.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. You have accomplished a LOT, and you should feel good about yourself.

79. I don’t think she is selfish.I have a bipolar son and I think it is too exhausting to have to deal with your own bipolar issues at home and then have to care about somebody that you don’t know or love. As a bipolar supporter, I believe we have the hardest job of all and yet we seldom complain!!! I pray for all of you who choose to support a loved one!!!

80. David,

    I will add you, your Father and your Mother to my prayers.

    I know what you are going through and I know how much your manuals and daily emails have helped me to cope with the many people in my life that are bipolar. Especially my adult daughter.

    I wish you the very best over this Holiday Season. I know you have gone
    thru many stressful holidays. I know because I have gone thru them also.

    Bonnie

81. Dave, my thoughts are with you! A parent having a stroke is really tough. Make sure you do what you tell others to do, and find time to take care of yourself! And no, that woman is not being selfish…she is expending so much energy at home how can she have energy for every other bipolar person out there? She is doing the best she can. That is all any of us can do.

82. I ve been living with bipolar and didnt realize it until I finally snapped I did not have any control of what I was doing didnt know I was doing theese things I have given it to God now and have me a myspace so everone can see most of the stress ive been under they say that triggers it I go back to my dr in the mornig I dont sleep cant keep a job and now ive got a daughter that has a bipolar boyfreind that has threatend to kill her I almost snaped and went after him my self but my freinds taled me down now the police are handling it I really hat feeling the way i do and i know its all my fault for the things i did to hurt my family but what gets me half the time i never remember doing these things suicide stays right at the back of my mind trying my darndest to get past it I have children that need me so I ask fo prayers and if you want to read about my life check out my myspace sidababy3@yahoo.com

83. My heart goes out to you and your family. Seems when things r going smoothy for any lenghth of time, all hell breaks loose. I will say my prayers tonight to iclude your presious Mom and your Dad. Go after this bipolar with a vengence. Please keep us up to date. God bless you David

84. Hello Dave,
    This is my first time to respond. I too am sorry to hear about your father. I hope things turn around for the better for your dad and mom. I think it is very hard to be a caregiver period. I am a single parent trying to raise an 8 year old daughter with mental deficits. It can seem so overwhelming. Some days can be really good when they flow so nicely and then others you think will I make it through the day.
    I believe we know we have to keep going because we love and care so much for our loved one. It is very hard to watch this illness unfold at its high points and its very low points. It can at times be so trying and I too feel just very tired. When I see other parents with healthy children complain about things very trite to me that is when I have a hard time with people and I feel the resent unfolding. I have to try very hard and realize that everyone has their own set of problems as they relate to each person.
    I wish that there was a quick miracle answer for this disease because I really feel that this global malformation in the brain where the chemicals and the neurotransmitters are not firing right is such a terrible disease. It really does not seem fair for a mother to have to watch her child try so hard to do just the very basic things in life. I hate to watch her have trouble transitioning and processing things at school, at home, and just doing errands with me. You never know when it is going to hit. Being an educator, it is very hard for me to not be able to fix the problems. What works today may not work tomorrow for her. I really feel helpless at times.
    So I think we all cycle through feelings we have about the situation we are in and the problems we feel we have. Plus our world is very small. I have trouble stepping out of the box. I feel I have to be her advocate foremost especially since she is so young. My child has always come first. I love her dearly but yes I hate the illness.

    Please take care. My prayers are with you and your family.
    Donna Gayle

85. Catherine R Berry:
    I think you will find that, of all the symptoms for Bipolar, being manipulative isn’t one of them If they are manipulative, it is most likely they would be without BP just as they are with it.
    But much depends on how you define “manipulative”. Some people construe the way people with BP blow hot and cold in relationships (which is also similar to what happens with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder.) They can feel “used”. Being used might be the case but it is more likely that the mood changes of the person with BP is directing how they feel they must behave – there is a logic to it altho’ it may not be obvious to anyone who is not BP! I could say more but I don’t know what the specific issues were you’ve had to deal with. There may be explanations for them that have not occurred to you because … well, you ain’t BP! It often takes someone else with BP to understand why another with BP may behave in a particular way, and that can be helpful if it is a behavior innocently triggered by their carer. However, it sounds like you’ve had a belly full of caring regardless of that, and need to get your own life back, in which case you may as well do that; after all, if you have no mind to continue as a supporter, then I think you’ll probably not be helping yourself of those with BP if you “support” them without any desire to do the job on your part.

86. So sorry to hear about your Dad having a stroke……!
    Keeping you and your family in prayer!
    Best of luck in all that you do!
    GOD BLESS!

87. Catherine,

    Thanks for your “venting”. I have lived a similar nightmare. Except that I did not leave my husband. I too, have five children and two are bipolar.
    I posted here yesterday saying:

    (I have learned a lot from your daily emails. My husband is bipolar and it has been a long journey. I was looking at your bipolar parenting page. You say nothing about children self-medicating with drugs. I have two children with bipolar. One is facing significant jail time for his drug addiction and another who is just getting started with experimenting. I have had them to counselors and doctors for many years and no one is able to help. How sad it is that this disease is so ignored. Lives are ruined by it.)

    I have always blamed myself for not being strong enough to get away from my husband. I thought that his influence is why the children are the way they are. But after reading your story I believe that it is hereditary and not a learned behavior. I have taken them to therapy and have put them on different medicines. They always end up saying they are fine and don’t need it.

    I am so sad about my son going to jail. Everyone says he is getting what he deserves. He broke the law. This is true, but he needs help and I feel so helpless at this point.

    Good luck to you. I wish you well.

88. David,
    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
    Best Wishes,
    Kat

89. Dear Dave,
    First and foremost I feel for you in this very hard time. We all give you the support that you may need at this time. You have helped all of us supporters and bi-polar people that I am sure that God will Bless you accordingly. You are touching lives all over the world. You take care of yourself and your family. And we will all get along fine until you get everything stable again. We love you and pray for you, your mom and dad.
    Love, Kathy

90. Dave first of all hope all is going well with your dad , I know what stroke can do. my husband had 2 and he is now paralized with out speech iam his full time carer and i have bipolar . My husband was always my rock he helped me with my bipolar so now my whole network has turned round and i have to stay well to look after him . I dont think any one is selfish really as we all have a diffurent story to tell and every one sees the story in a diffurent light , every single one of us will suffer some thing in our lives that is very painful. Just to day i saw my sister who i adore as she is now my rock , she announced to me that she has bowl cancer . I knew straight away that i could crumble but iam taking all my medications so i keep well to help her through this terrible time . I wish every one well wouldnt it be a wonderful world if we could all be happy all of the time , god bless you all and all the best dave . thank you johan

91. As a bipolar supporter myself I can truly say she is NOT being selfish, but from my own experience….when you’re a supporter, each and every person who is bipolar is an individual, each has their own level of successes and pitfalls, if you will, and their supporters “suffer” with them. We tend to totally concentrate on our bipolars, making us feel excluded entirely from the world at large, and of course, once in a while we want to scream, “HEY! What about ME?” We are so overtaxed and overloaded, we can’t see past our own problems at times, this is NORMAL, does NOT even come close to implying that she is selfish or uncaring! If this were true, her husband would TRULY be in a world of hurts, because then whom would he be able to rely on? My daughter relies solely on me, on others some, but the vast majority is all on my shoulders….as we say, “I am the constant”, she knows no matter what, *I* will always be there for her no matter what, the great defender, her champion, her best friend, etc. It is tolling on us as a supporter, but really, would we have it any other way? The way to look at this is to turn it into a POSITIVE (which at times of course is a challenge as well) and say….of all the people in the world, I know this person the best and this person depends on me! I love this person and they love me, it is TRULY unconditional, the BEST kind of love there is! So dear Lady, you are a FABULOUS wife!!!! I salute you!!!! Hang in there 🙂

92. No Dave she isn’t selfish; she’s very much in love with the man she married. I on the other hand am going to be selfish. I’m walking away from being a supporter and I’m taking my two little toddlers with me. I still love her but cannot go through any more episodes, financial insecurities, suicide attempts and marital infedelity. It is very trying being a bpd supporter at times when the other partner disregards any help being offered. She’s young, she’ll find another supporter.

93. iam bipolar supporter but iam selfish cause my wife has bipolar and she has a guy friend and it seem that she talks to him more then me of course it makes me mad and then she get mad at me and now she wants to get seperated am i selfish or what should i do

94. I don’t think the woman in your story was being selfish–she was surviving. She has her hands full taking care of her husband. To think beyond that is probably more than she can handle. She cannot worry about others because all of her energy and focus is being put into her husband. She has nothing left to give to anyone else.

95. Terri:

    Take care of yourself. Once your spouse has an affair due to her bipolar condition you are in different territory. Talk to a counselor.
    Your wife is being selfish. You have a double whammy to deal with – the bipolar condition and the issues underlying the problems in your relationship.

96. All the best for your mom and dad, and I hope that your dad will have a speedy recovery.

    In regards to the lady who feels she is being selfish I have a thought on the matter. She is taking care of her husband and family. If her husband was fighting a physical illness such as cancer kidney or heart failure she would be taking care of him just the same, would she feel selfish about thinking of him b4 anyone else? Any kind of illness physical or mental takes its toll on the supporting partner and just because people cant tell her hubby is ill from just looking at him it doesnt make him any less ill. I guess I am wondering if she is kinda stuck in a way with the stigma that surrounds mental illness and their caretakers. I think that it must be conveyed to this lady is the fact that caring for someone who has bipolar can be physically and mentally draining even for the strongest person, and that she too needs help in the way of having a place where she can vent her frustrations, thoughts, feelings etc and not be critisized because of it. I guess what im trying to say is that its great she is taking care of him but she needs support and time to herself as well. Could it be that maybe she is kinda feeling overwhelmed in caring for him and just cant concieve of worrying about others because she seems to have her plate full as it is without worrying about others right now. Selfish??? I think not. I honestly believe that this lady is a kind loving soul who has stuck it out in good health and bad, for richer or poorer, a lady who has taken her vows seriously…because lets face it if she didnt love this man she would have done what many have done b4 her and given up not only on the promise to love forever, but their significant other and walked out on the relationship and marriage.

    NO SHE IS NOT SELFISH, SHE JUST THE OPPOSITE, A WOMAN WHO STANDS BY HER MAN!

    STICK IN THERE HUN YOUR DOING A WONDERFUL JOB THERE SHOULD BE MORE PPL OUT THERE LIKE YOU.

97. Hi Dave
    I am really sorry about your Dad and I hope he get well soon, from what I learnt he is a very strong person. Dave you hang in there I will pray for you and and your family and I know your mom will be fine as she is brave and I really admire your for your support that you give your parents.
    Kind regards

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