Hi,
How’s it going today? I must say I have been having
a very hard time with a number of the people
and vendors that make this entire Organization
that helps supporters and those with bipolar disorder
a success.
Last night I was up at like 2:00am working on a
plan to correct all these problems.
Then I got to thinking how this relates to you
and a secret you can learn based on how I am
going to deal with the problems I have been facing.
Today I am going to make a complete plan of attack.
I will be making a list of all my problems, who
is a problem, what is a problem, and then
listing which problems are the highest priority.
I will number them in priority order using 1, 2, 3,
etc.
Then I will start to brainstorm solutions to these
problems. I will take each problem, put it on a
sheet of paper and then brainstorm solutions.
Now for the problems I can’t come up with solutions
to, I will start to research if there are any books,
tapes, manuals, consultants, seminars, etc. that
can help me.
Here is the biggest secret that I learned to using
this method.
It’s to go to a quiet place to do it. I prefer the
library. Virtually all of my strategic planning
with my mom when I was helping her through bipolar
disorder was done in the library.
Why? Because it was quiet, it was a different location
and the library is conducive to thinking, planning,
researching, etc.
So many people who are supporting loved one’s with
bipolar disorder first, don’t ever make any plans
at all, secondly if they try to make plans do
it while they are being screamed and yelled at
by the person they are caring for.
Is this you? Are you trying to help your loved one
but you can’t even think because there is so much
going on and/or you are getting yelled and screamed
at daily?
Now if you are in a situation where you are the sole
caretaker for this loved one, see if you can get someone
to fill in for you for a while, or some local organization
that does this (in some states they offer this service).
Do something to get to a quiet area to start listing your
problems and then solutions to them or who or
what can help you.
I speak to so many people that have no idea what Bipolar
problems they really have or what are the most important to solve.
I ask, “what’s your top three problems with supporting your
loved one?” They say “Everything.” I say focus on the three
and they can’t. They haven’t thought about what are all the
problems or which ones are the most pressing.
They get annoyed at me and say things like “Dave, I am too
busy to stop and write stuff down or think about those things.”
How can you solve a problem if you haven’t defined it?
If you got my course at
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
You’ve probably heard the interview with the woman who’s
job it is to deal with the worst of the worst situations
of families supporting loved one’s with bipolar disorder.
She advocates the same type of strategy. In addition to a
number of different techniques and strategies someone can
use to deal with a loved one who is in an episode.
Actually as a side note, I accidentally discovered this
woman through someone who had to get coaching from her.
Every day, she has to go into homes with people who are
in episodes and deal with them when family members can’t.
The amazing thing is, she can do it and most of what she
does can be learned.
Anyway, I have to take off now for the day. I hope
you enjoyed this email today.
Your Friend,
Dave
Hi Dave,
I am a Licensed Professional Counselor who’s client load is about 33% folks with bipolar disorder. I subscribed to your newsletter in an effort to find some information to help them. I’ve done a LOT of research in the area of bipolar disorders and depression, and find the advice/information you share very well researched and reviewed.
Regarding your “Make a New Plan, Stan” email today, I have encouraged, exhorted and all but threatened (just kidding) the folks I see AND their supporters to find the right doctor, find the right medication, STAY in counseling, and begin to make a PLAN so they are not left to fall back into emotionally driven (instead of logic driven) reality. It has truly helped many of my clients just to have someone to sit down with them and help them “take bite sized chunks” out of their chaos instead of trying to swallow the thing whole. It’s the old, “How do you eat an elephant?” question. “One bite at a time.”
Thanks for all you do to help these dear folks navigate their way through life’s “white water.”
Blessings!
Paula Clouse, LPC
Grace Counseling Services
I truly wish I could afford your book! I just found out yesterday after I had my husband baker-acted for attempted suicide that he has been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and that it runs in the family. He is having to quit his job and maybe one day in the near future I can buy this. I appreciate everything I can get my hands on to read and keep our relationship together and it has opened my eyes to a possible new beginning for us instead of throwing away 6 years of our lives and separating!
I wondered if you had considered getting together a listing of names of Licensed professionals– either physicians or psychologists who are recommended by supporters as competent individuals and are knowledgeable in the area of bipoloar disorders. The listing would help those who are trying to find someone to assist them in their geographical area. You could even charge for the list as I am sure that people would be willing to pay a few bucks to obtain the list if it would save them a ton of time.
Zig Zigglar has preached for years to put your plans and goals in writing. If you can’t define a goal, you can’t reach it. Also, don’t share your goals except with those people who can help you to reach them. That means you don’t share them with family and/or friends who are not truly supportive. The more people you share your goals with, the more oppostion you will have.
Going to a quiet place is also scripture. When one steps aside from the issue(s), it is easier to be objective rather than subjective.
You are too busy not to stop, breathe, clear your head and the prioritize the chaos. You cannot do it in the chaos. The library is great, an open church will do, and the park is available. Just step back and let the chaos swirl by , it will be there when you go back, just like you never left.
Since my girlfriend kicked me out, I am in a very quiet place – my parents’ house! So, I should be able to formulate a plan.
Let’s see… top three things I want to fix:
1. Find a way to end/prevent episodes/breakups. We’ve had several breakups due to her episodes (or the things she does during episodes to be more accurate) and she seems oblivious to them. When her mania starts she gets crazy ideas or just decides to do things that violate my boundaries, and acts like it’s perfectly normal and reasonable. If I challenge her on something, it will surely lead to a fight, which will lead her eventually into psychosis, and after that either immediately or after a short delay she will become hateful and blame me for everything and won’t communicate with me for a while. Eventually (it could take quite some time) this wears off and we get back together, but she could do considerable damage before this happens– emotional damage, relationship damage, physical damage, legal damage. If I could find a way to prevent and end episodes (both manic and the eventual psychotic ones) and end the fights/breakups, I would be MUCH happier.
2. Convince her somehow that she needs to be in therapy and on meds, whether she thinks she’s perfect or “it’s just PMS” or admits she’s bipolar this week. I’m more than willing to pay for meds and therapy for her if she will go for it.
3. Find a way to keep her from dragging her ex (also bipolar) back into our lives. She has four children by three different fathers. One is out of her life completely. Another is an irritant, but most of the time gives us space. Then there’s the bipolar one who lives with his parents, has no job, and just waits for any opportunity to destroy her relationships and try to get back together with her again. He’s always trouble. She knows it, but when manic may say he’s a good guy and just needs to find the right girl, maybe one of her friends. This is always a disaster, but when she’s manic she just leaves the door wide open for him. When she has a psychotic fight with me, if we break up he’ll be there the next day. He’ll say it’s all for the kids, but while we’re together if we offer to let him see the kids on an off day he refuses if it will help us out with babysitting. It’s not really about the kids. He’s obsessed with her and won’t stay out of her life unless she forces him to. When she’s stable she understands the necessity of keeping him out of our business. When she’s manic or angry, he’s the first person she calls. I want this guy out of our lives permanently. He can see his kids through visitation like any other divorced dad. He doesn’t need to see my girlfriend or talk to her at all. It’s been a HUGE problem.
So, my first plan for step one is to leave her alone. If she’s upset, any contact I make with her, even to just say “I love you” makes her angry. In fact, I can’t even talk to any of her friends without upsetting her when she’s like this. I have no choice. I’ve seen it over and over. Any effort i make will be self-defeating. If she comes back to me, I can work on the other two. If not, then this whole post is pointless and it’s already over!
The second plan — I’m thinking about relationship counseling, then steering her into personal counseling and indulging her in the delusion that she just has “bad PMS” (which she accurately describes as turning her into the devil) and hoping that some prozac will come along with it.
The last step, well, if she comes back to me she’ll know I don’t want the ex around, may try to bargain her way through it, saying things like “why can’t we just use him to do favors for us” and trying to set him up with a friend so I won’t be “jealous” of him being around. This goes way beyond jealousy. He’s done so much sabotage work on our relationship in the last year that I think he should be listed as a terrorist by Homeland Security. Like I said, when she’s in a stable phase she at least pretends to understand why he shouldn’t be around, but in a manic phase? No way. Stubborn as a mule.
So, I guess I’ll be working on this. Thanks for the tip!
hi dave thanks for all your help. I will do the priority thing tomorrow.hope it works for me and my son. thank you kelly0909
As a Psyhotherapist, who went trough himself and recovered himself from a bipolar disorder, your strategy seems to me a VERY important approach to deal with.
I have come to the conclusion, that specially organacing problems is very difficult to bopolar people.
The quietness you find at teh library is also important: some may want and like Parks, loooking people go by, just respecting their cognotivr styles.
Thanks for all
Jorge Turenne
Hi Dave: I really enjoy your comments on all your topics. I look forward coming home knowing you have e-mail me something about issues and how you have cope and helped people! Your an inspiration to me!
Melanie
Hi Dave,
That is such a great idea and so simple. I’m off to the library to make a list, prioritise and research. Thankyou.
Fay
Hi Dave, As to keep myself from getting overwhelmed, I am just starting to research and discover Bipolar since I was just diagnosed with it, my list is short
1. Research and find all the information that is available to me.
2. Share it with all my family members including my older children and the husband I mentioned that doesn’t believe..thinks that I am EVIL.
3. To surround myself with positive thinkers and supportive people.
Now, I will make other list as needed but first things first. Knowing is half the battle right.
God Bless you and have a great day. I am going to try, Im going to take my child outside and play for awhile.
Hi Dave,
have you ever written anything about bipolors who are in a mixed state.
I have been in a mixed state and my doctor marvels at how I have been able to function and stay out of the hospital. When I am this way I am both manic and depressed at the same time. My thought race and crossing the street is the most dangerous thing I could do. everything speeds up for me, people walking and cars driving I litterly feel as if I could be sucked into the street and go with the car. Yes I get anixous.
Wondering your thoughts on the matter
hi dave
i’m at a loss as to how to thank u for the valuable piece of informations u r doling out. i’m about to marry a person who has bipolar and who’s somewhat stable now.she who’s now 35 has had more than one tragic episodes during her 20s just because the illness was not diagnosed properly. however,she has got a good psychiatrist now who is monitoring her illness properly. still, the memories of the past episodes are lingering in her, which takes away much of the confidence from such a brilliant personality.anyway , i find ur course a very significant step for people like me,and hope people from all over the world shall benefit from it.
SANTHOSH
Hi there Dave!
Well let me begin by first saying that I feel what you are doing is so wonderful! I have become so much more aware of things due to your emails and information that you provide us! I am a woman who has a bipolar diagnosis, as well as manic depression, ptsd and anxiety. It is only people who don’t want to open their minds to learn more information on this situation of dealing with bipolar that are the ones that say those stupid comments to you as far as I am concerned. Of course, this is my opinion on what it is that you are doing here. Don’t ever let them get you down on yourself for all the wonderful love, care and concern you have for your mother and her situation. I feel honored and proud to receive the information you send to me. It is very helpful and informative. I feel you probably have helped many, many people who are in your mother’s shoes, such as myself. And, I have as one of my goals to accomplish in the near future (if all is well) to obtain the priviledge to join your classes you hold to help people like myself and well as the people who support and love us. Thank you for caring as much as you do! Just keep it all coming! Take care,
Amy