Hi,
Hope your day is going well.
Hey, I have to take off really quick today because I am determined to get a whole lot of things done.
I actually have to head to the gym and then go to the library to do some research.
It’s freezing where I am today so have to unfreeze my car which isn’t a lot of fun.
Okay, do you know what a martyr is? Well, back in the old days, a martyr was someone who gave up their life for a cause.
They actually died. Or were killed, usually.
A martyr would represent a whole bunch of other people.
They cared more about these other people than they cared about themselves.
They cared too much about what other people thought of them.
They cared too much about the cause than they cared themselves or even about their own families.
I don’t want you to be a bipolar martyr.
I don’t want you to be any of those things I just mentioned.
You don’t have to be.
You just have to be yourself.
No one put that big S on your chest but YOU.
You’re the one playing Super-Supporter.
You’re the one who’s trying to save the world.
You’re the one who’s caring too much what other people think about you.
But you don’t have to.
All you have to do is be yourself.
In my courses/systems below, I talk about all the things it takes to be a good supporter, and one of the biggest things is taking care of yourself:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
No one expects as much from you as you expect from yourself, I bet.
And I also bet that you would never expect as much from anyone else as you expect from yourself.
All your loved one expects from you is for you to love them.
Anything more is, as they say, “ice cream.”
So stop trying to be a bipolar martyr.
No one expects you to.
You need to take care of yourself, and the rest will fall into place.
If you don’t take care of yourself, how are you going to take care of your loved one?
So just relax, and be yourself!
What do you think/ Have any experience being a bipolar martyr? Has it worked?
FIND OUT WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT ME
Visit: http://www.bipolarcentral.com/testimonials
David Oliver is the author of the shocking guide “Bipolar Disorder—The REAL Silent Killer.” Click Here to get FREE Information sent via email on how and why bipolar disorder kills.
Post responses below
Hi Dave,
I am really having a bad day, my son that is 42yrs old has a major mood disorder I have had him at a psycologist and he says that it is just his drinking problem.
I have had a lot of your e-mails and I am almost sure that he has some kind of Bipolar mood disorder, because everything you discribe in your mail sound as if you are talking about him.
He is in an episode where he is drinking, spending all his money and not wanting to go back to work, he also insults and swears at his wife and children and it really breaks my heart to see them have to go through this.
I must also mention that I am in South Africa, in a town called Boksburg, and if there is anyone you can refer me to I would really appreciate it, as I don’t know where to start, and I would like to help them get through this.
Thank you for all your e-mails.
Regards
Lorna
THANK YOU FOR THAT STATEMENT, I FEEL LIKE YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT ME.
THANK YOU SO SO MUCH , I NOT SURE IF I CAN HANDLE ALL THIS WITHOUT YOU
DIANE
Dave,
I don’t know how else to reach you. I purchased your kit several years ago and faithfully read your emails. You’ve been such a huge help to me. Your emails seem to come at the right time. I was almost a true BiPolar martyr on June 2nd when I pointed my car at a tree and hit the gas. I later entered a program where I found out I had been enabling my husband in spite of everything I learned in your program. Some of us are slow learners. At any rate, I am grateful to be alive, and I have taken some major steps to remove myself from codependency.
We have agreed on an expectation of my husband to handle certain things I have done for him for three years. I told him I was sorry for having made him feel “less than” by taking over everything. His pride was hurt, rightly so. Things got better for a bit, but now he has asked me for a divorce. He is not in an episode, but his family (very influential on him) has been in town for the past 2 weeks.
Due to my own depression, I have been on medication with some unsavory side effects (weight gain). This is the main reason my husband claims he wants a divorce. I used to be very slender, but now after gaining, I have to watch my eating AND fight the medication. I’ve tried up to 10 alternative medicines but most either don’t work or have worse side effects than weight gain. Right now he doesn’t want to talk to me about anything, so I’m left hanging.
My husband destroyed the materials I bought from you during an episode, so I cannot find the certificate for a phone call. I don’t need to reiterate everything that has happened since his bipolar disorder became apparent. You’ve probably seen most of it anyway. I just want to know if you have suggestions on how to draw out my husband to discuss this. 15 years is too much to throw away due to my weight. I believe there is something more but he isn’t much of a talker since he’s been on his medication. Getting more than yes or no answers is difficult. My therapist’s ideas are about the same as mine, and so far they have not worked.
Will you email me and let me know how to reach you? I’d like about 10 minutes of your time. Thank you, and please know I appreciate your daily emails tremendously.
Cindi
Hi Dave,
Don’t really get the bipolar martyr thing.
There is nothing wrong with having ideals and values. If someone wants to give of themselves to a cause, who are we to stand in their way? Giving of ourselves is a selfless act. There is nothing wrong with selfless acts. It can make you a better person. Being so self absorbed isn’t a good thing.
Dave,
I believe you read my mind..each morning I look forward to your email and today again you hit the nail right on the head about what I need to hear…You may not read minds but you sure are a Blessing from God.
I don’t know if you are a christian man or not but I believe you are probably because there is no way you could care about your Mom and her illness the way you do and for us–all of us supportersand sirviors..
God supplys each one of us with what we need each and every day we just go to want to recieve the answer,solutions,and love.
I hope you car warms up quickly for you and you have a safe drive.
enjoy your day and may God bless you today.
Dave,
Thank you for your help and for todays e-mail. Without meaning to, I have been doing that very thing, thinking I’m helping, and my son just seems to get less responsible each day. It’s very hard not to do everything you can when I know the boy or man he was five or six years ago. It just breaks my heart. We have gone through MUCH and finally found out he was bipolar so is being treated now but not stable. They are ajusting meds and I am praying hard for Gods wisdom in all of this. He has much to face, wife left, lost job, legal troubles, and big time financial problems. God bless and thank you for your information. I want to buy your books soon but have other expenses at this time. Our son (age 27) lives with us now so I deal with it 24×7.
Dear Dave,
I have had it. I am going to call him my ex-boyfriend keeps calling me, he stops by my house, sometimes unannounced. He has also been seeing someone else. I have now had it. Yes he is bipolar. But I am tired of hurting and I need to take care of me. I have supported him through a lot of stuff but I can’t deal with this anymore. I am going to tell him not to call me and to stop coming by my house. It just hurts too much to keep seeing him and talking to him and knowing that he has another girlfriend. I love him so very much but I just can’t deal with it anymore. He doesn’t seem to care or even act like he knows how much he has hurt me. Well I am going to let him have it with both barrels. I am going to toss the chips up in the air and let them fall which ever way they fall.
this is uncanny…another Lorna? Hmm, is this for ‘real’ or made up? (referring to the comment posted)
Anyway..being a martyr…
I’m bipolar. I do worry about what others think. Recently my sister decided to disown me and ‘univited’ me and my children to my neices’ wedding and all the festivities. I was very hurt. She was ruthless, judgemental and cruel, even refered to me as a ‘disempowered’ parent , etc….I am in therapy, take my meds. I am a single parent of 3, all doing great in school and have solid plans for their future. I am very proud of them. They are drug free and actually talk to me about their lives. I go to work every day and do well there….somehow it just doesn’t seem to be good enough. I have a hard time fighting the depression and the feeling of being unworthy ( because those I love deem me so, or I see it that way). I want to be in their good graces. What is the way out?
Dave, you hit the nail on the head today. And as others have said, you must read my mind. My husband called me after he got to work today and forgot to tell me last night that my son told him that he is having visions. These visions are only happening at school (that we know of) and they are when he is focusing on someone on the playground, either adult or child, but he sees them with a gun to their head. He is not the one holding the gun, and he is not the one with a gun to his head, but it sure makes me worry. In my mind it is due to his depression. It makes me worry about him, thinking that maybe this is something that he is wanting to do to himself. I do not know. But it certainly takes its toll on me too. Thank you again for your messages. I truly look forward to each one.
Dear Friend, Dave,
How I do love receiving your daily emails — and it seems that each day you are addressing something that applies to me, and my failure to do what I should with my bipolar son! Today you brought back memories of when I was going for counseling to deal with my son (he would never go to
a therapist!) and I was told that I was too co-dependent, and needed to
think more of myself and take care of myself. I have never succeeded in my attempts. I have spent the biggest part of my life taking care of and being kind to those less fortunate than I, and I honestly can’t place myself in any other situation. I pray that your daily emails will continue to give me strength and hope, and that I will learn to say “No” when someone is asking for more than I can give, and take better care of myself.
Thank You for being such a wonderful friend to all of us who are suffering from the “burn-out” from dealing with Bipolar Disease — both those who have it, and those of us who support them. GOD BLESS YOU. – Dolores
My big problem is my partner just hates me and wont let me anywhere near her (we’re gay) when she is in an episode. She came off her lithum 6 months ago believing she had pyscological problems and not mental problems even thoough she has been sectioned in hospital 6 times in 18 years. her doctor has put her on calming tablets but not lithum and she’s having home help not hospitalised. But she has left our home and our business together (we own a shop) and gone back to her old house she was renting out. The people there have now left and she cant afford the mortgage, but she wont let me support her and help her which i find very difficult to deal with. I love her but she wont let me anywhere near her and she doesnt care of the pain she’s putting me through. i could deal with her bipolar if she was with me home but being apart and not being with her is killing me.
Lorna,
I know that being told by your sister that you could not come to your Neices wedding hurt your feelings bad. Some times when we are under alot of stress or pushed for time it makes us lash out at people we love and hurt them with our words and actions.
Your sister may have been super! stressed !planning a wedding can cause that especially the closer the wedding date becomes…
But still I know she should have not uninvited you to the wedding.
Some times we feel left out and rejected by others when really it isn’t as bad as it seems.
You sound like you have a plan to help with your bipolar depression,you sound strong for a single Mom with children, that is great being a single Mom is tough because I know I too.
Some time the depression can make you feel insecure and bad about your self..I found that when I am down and feeling like this cruel world is against me that scripture helps me to feel better and pull myself up out of the the pit thats destorying myself..
1PETER5;7 GIVE ALL YOUR WORRIES TO HIM BECAUSE hE LOVES AND CARES FOR YOU..
Philippians4;12-13
Iknow how to get along with little and how to live when I have much. I have learned the secret of being happy at all times.If I am full of food and have all I need I am happy.If I am hungry and need more I am happy.I CAN DO ALL THINGS BECAUSE CHRIST GIVES ME STRENGTH.
LUKE6;37
Do not say what is wrong in other people’s lives.Then other people will not say what is wrong in your life.Do not say someone is guilty.Then other people other people will not say you are guilty.Forgive other people and other people will forgive you.
My prayers are with you, reading things that are uplifting encourages me.
Do your very best to take care of you and your Children and whats right for you all and try not to worry about what others think..untill they have walked a mile in your shoes they have no clue what you may be going through.
Have a plan and stick to it,be strong,but allow room for mistakes,start over when you make mistake,every day is a new day,If there is something about yourself you don’t like change it if you can and if you can’t change it accept it.Forgive others and forgive yourself.
You will feel better this to shall pass.
Thank you for sharing with us on this blog.
Tonight’s email could have been written for me. I am sacrificing everything for the man I love. I have no social life anymore and recently, because he has been in a depressive episode I have not seen much of him. Just when it looked like he was getting better he started drinking again. The binge led to some forms of self-harm and I’m living in constant anxiety. When he visits his psychiatrist once a fortnight he puts on an act and pretends that everything is ok. He is very unhappy and is making me very unhappy, too. I accepted that he didn’t want to go out when depressed and stayed at home waiting patiently for the phase to pass. I cannot accept the present situation when he wants to go out on his own every other night getting drunk. Bipolar meds don’t mix very well with alcohol. He is very confused and mixed up right now. My friends don’t understand him and think I should leave him to it. I have stuck by him through all his ups and downs up to now, including a manic episode. When he is stable he appreciates me and my love for him and returns it. It has crossed my mind many times recently to leave him just for a while and see how long it would take until he misses me. I can’t stand the loneliness much longer. But I’m so scared that this would throw him into another episode and if he harmed himself while I turned my back I would blame myself for not helping him. Right now i’m at my wits end and all I can do is hope and pray.
Boy did you get this one right! And how i wish someone would have told me that when i was taking on my ex-husband! I wound up in the hospital before i realized that i was being a martyr and doing it all. It was so bad i was watching him 24 hours a day with the help of others due to his threats of killing people and i did not realize that i was doing it all. I just thought it was all my job and i had to do it because he had noone else. How stupid I was! I almost did irrepairalbe damage to myself! I had to face the facts full force and do something right away to get it off of me and my physical being. I had no choice by then and it did not have to be like that. I hope everyone heeds this and realizes that this is like a bunch of nitro and will explode if not cared for , YOU. You are important and need to take time for yourself and your own care. Please ask me if you do not believe it!
Nightlady,
I know how you feel. The man I love wants me in his life but then he doesn’t. I recently found out that he has another woman in his life. We are no longer living together and he will call me when he seems to need to talk. He hasn’t had a maniac episode lately. In fact he has been fairly calm and stable. The other woman in his life hasn’t seen him when he has an episode. I love him very much but I have decided that it time to tell him that I can’t have him call me or come by to see him. It just hurts too much every time he does. But I don’t want to cut him out of my life either. I am so confused. My family and friends and even his family tell me to cut him out of my life. I’m just not sure that I can do that. I keep praying that something happens and he will turn to me again. I know that prayer is supposed to work and that God answers our prayers but why does it have to hurt so bad?
i want to get re-married. i have been on my own since 25 yrs. being a martyr bringing up two children single handedly. elder girl is a bipolar and driving hell into me. i am forever wrong , forever bad. i seek an escape. i can go on no more. i know i’ll be the bad one. anyway i am, even if i finish my life for them
WOW……can I relate!!! I have a 16 year old……trying to get some type of diagnoses BESIDES “marijuana induced pshycosis”!!!!! I have had him admitted twice now to be assessed……2nd time-even though he is only 16-he was ‘smart’ enough to lie and be assessed with the same thing!!!! Unbelievable AND, to boot, made ME look very bad-I basically have lost my credability……until next episode! Regardless……I gave myself a 2 week vacation as this was actually consuming my life……one day at a time for now!!!!
I guess we ALL can relate!
Wow! Did I need to hear that today!! It’s my birthday and I spent the morning at the dr with my sister, who is bipolar, and most of the rest of the day feeling like maybe I could or should do more for her. You really made me feel better. I look forward to your emails! Thanks so much!!!
PHYLLIS, thanks. It’s always comforting to have a kindred spirit with a similar problem to your own. Even if it doesn’t solve the problem, it helps to know you’re not alone. Both our loved ones seem to be very mixed up and confused right now. Unlike yours, mine doesn’t call round and doesn’t seem to want to see me recently. As far as I know he doesn’t have another woman, but there is a very jealous and manipulative ex-girlfriend who will take any opportunity to mess with his head. She always preys on him when he is most vulnerable. She had left us alone for a good while and we thought we were free of her at last. A couple of weeks ago they met by chance in the street. Since then he has hit the bottle and doesn’t want to see much of me. He hasn’t seen her either, but I’m sure it was her who triggered the binge drinking and self harm. I am very worried that he could go into an episode and end up in the psych ward again. There is nothing more I can do for him right now. If he needs me I am there for him. We can both only hope and pray for our loved ones.
Wow, I have never read something like this on the web. Haven’t had much time, I think I have had a little of everyones experience on this page, I had 3 children. A beautiful daughter named 20 who suffered with bipolar undiagnosed she hid the syptoms till she turned 18 and faced the reality of real life not high school and their little dramas to college and a full-time job. She ended up in different places and came back home only to take her life on the 22nd of Christmas of 2005. Now her brother who is 20 now has always been in and out of treatment and trouble with the law since 13. I blame my divorce from their father who was treated with rittalin as a teenager, but while married to him for 7 years I noticed his mood changes and hyperactivity with periods of inactivity and sleeping even though he worked 12 hours days for ever. His father was like that too, I definitely think it is heredity. I have been the fixer I tried to fix by daughters life and I think I did her a disfavor, I’m trying not to do that with my son, my youngest son is 15 and totally different, different father, he is such a blessing, all my children were even with all the crazy emotions, we still loved each other and talked and screamed and were together I just need to know more and keep reading. Thank you for being here.
Hi Bea! I know you can definately relate to me!!! My son 16 yrs…..I’m divorced from his father AND always compared his dad to a “yoyo”….constantly up & down~always believed he had something wrong, just couldn’t place my finger on it. Now I am struggling to 1st get my son diagnosed & secondly, getting his father to recongnize the problem!! I DO NOT want my boy to end up like your eldest……he is now hiding his symptoms & at present, is totally avoiding me as I am the ‘one’ who put him in the hospital/initiated everything and he cannot hide his odd behaviour from me. Anyway…..we all can relate one way or another~so sorry for your loss & all the best…
I understand all that you’ve said, but as mother of a bipolar daughter it has been extremely difficult going. All of this started when she was bout fifteen years old. I went through the process of changing her high school, taking her to doctors ( whom she ultimately refused to see again), her father (from whom the gene comes) is in denial, and myself having two serious spinal surgeries and a stroke. My daughter moved out of my home last December, about which I had great misgivings, but I couln’t stand in the way of a 27 year old woman( even if she is my baby). I have cried many nights and worried ceaselessly, I see no immediate relief. I need help!
Vita, I do not think I can deal with this for another ten years…..you have been strong to do this as I know what I am going through just trying to get a diagnoses. I had to seek medical help through a phyciatrist & am going to councilling. In the meantime my 16 yr old son is avoiding me like the plague…..I went to his school today to find out his behaviour in the last few weeks……NOT GOOD!! I too see no immediate relief…….I am sitting waiting for “something” to happen……..
Hi Mr. Dave, my name is Sherwin from the Philippines. I just wanted to share little things to you that I think it will help you somehow in your research about mental illnesses. I have red in WIKIPEDIA that Temporomandibular Disorder is observed has something to do with Bipolar Disorder. You might want to check this out and do more research and discover more about this. I also wanted to share the 5S’s for good mental health. 1.Self-Awareness 2.Socialize 3.Spirituality 4.Sports 5.I am trying to remember the last one but my mind can’t really recall,I apologize. Also I wanted to share the book I have red that made a great impact in my daily thoughts and life. The titles of the book are A BETTER WAY TO LIVE and THE CHOICE,both authored by Mr. Og Mandino.If you have time please try to find and read,theyhave a great impact in life changing.
That’s all Mr. David.
Thank you.
Sincerely Yours,
Sherwin Santin
PHILIPPINES
I am just a martyr, period. My husband is a sociopath; please pray for me. Sara