Hi,
How are you today?
Yesterday there was a daily email but it was never sent. I have no idea what happen to it. It’s a mystery. It vanished.
Anyway I have to try to figure what happen but in the meantime let’s jump into today’s topic.
I hope you’re feeling fine.
I wanted to share with you a comment I received on my blog the other day:
“There is a difference between a symptom
and a behavior. A symptom is what is
experienced by a person as a result of an
illness. A behavior is an ACTION that
person takes in response to that experience.
Hypersexuality, for example, does not
mean being unfaithful. Hypersexuality is
a symptom. It is the experience of a
suddenly or dramatically increased sex drive.
There are many choices as to what to do
in response to a sudden increase in libido.
The vast majority of those choices are
not harmful to self or others, illegal,
irresponsible, or regrettable.
So I don’t dispute for one minute that in
general, there is a set of symptoms that
is typical for a person with bipolar disorder.
Most of us here agree that bipolar disorder
doesn’t go away. That means if I have
bipolar disorder, I will have symptoms —
EXPERIENCES of the illness for the
rest of my life.
My responsibility to myself is to think
about how I want to conduct myself, what
kind of life I want. Responsibility means
I keep tabs on what I DO. Yep, I know
that typical set of symptoms. What I DON’T
do is ACT just the same as every other
person who has those same symptoms.
And therein lies the difference which some
people tend to disregard when talking
about the whole big bunch of us.
I could feel like doing all manner of
destructive things. I could tell you the reason
why I feel like doing destructive things is
because of symptoms of bipolar disorder.
And I could be right! At the end of the day,
it doesn’t matter what destructive thing I
felt like doing, nor does it matter why.
It matters which CHOICE I made.”
——————————————————————–
So, he is basically talking about the difference between a symptom and a behavior.
He’s defining a symptom as what is experienced by a person as a result of an illness.
Then he defines a behavior as an action that the person takes in response to that experience.
He uses the example of hypersexuality (increased sex drive), which is one of the symptoms of bipolar disorder.
So hypersexuality is something that a person in a manic episode might experience, because it’s a symptom.
In his words, “Most of us here agree that bipolar disorder doesn’t go away. That means if I have bipolar disorder, I will have symptoms – EXPERIENCES of the illness for the rest of my life.”
I like the way he put that, because it is realistic.
It’s not realistic to assume that you won’t have symptoms if you have bipolar disorder, because if you have the disorder, no matter how long you’ve been stable, you WILL have symptoms from time to time.
That’s why, like this person who wrote that comment, I take the realistic approach in my
courses/systems. I go over the symptoms of bipolar disorder as well as how you or your loved one will experience them.
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
So then he goes into CHOICES.
This has to do with what he said in the beginning of his post:
“A behavior is an ACTION that person takes in response to that experience.”
So you have a symptom, then an experience, then a CHOICE, then an ACTION (behavior).
Now, some people stop there, and make poor choices, or impulsive decisions, which cause
wrong actions.
So what is the key, does he say?
RESPONSIBILITY.
He says, “Responsibility means I keep tabs on what I DO.”
He uses the example of wanting to do destructive things, and he concludes, “At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what destructive thing I felt like doing, nor does it matter why. It matters which CHOICE I made.”
And that would be great if everyone could do it that way.
Unfortunately, when someone with bipolar disorder is in an episode, their thinking is impaired, and they won’t necessarily be able to make good choices, or exhibit good behavior.
When they are in an episode, your loved one may throw responsibility out the window and be unable to control their impulses as a result of their “symptoms.”
At that point, everything this man said is “out the window,” since the person is “experiencing” a bipolar episode.
At best, though, in my opinion, I agree with what he said.
What about you?
Do you agree or disagree with what this man wrote?
Post responses below
I agree with that but the problem I see is for example, I have a son that is 8, how do we teach him how to make the responsible choices instead of acting on the impulssives. We have him going to a physotheripost and understand it is going to take time. That is excatly what we are trying to teach our son but I feel that even though he is little every person that is bipolar has to WANT to learn how to handle it! Good blog!!!
I often wondered what was wrong with me until the doctor at the VA hospital told me I have a bi polar disorder. I have 21 children and 12 baby mothers. The ages range from 11 y/o to 51 y/o. I am 69 y/o and married twice. The first time 10 years with 6 children with 4 on the side. And the second time separated 8/20/91 after 24 years together. Since, I have gotten into many relationships mostly with needy women who have a substance abuse problem. Oh yes, I am a recovering addict with 8 years clean – at least from the drug but not from compulsive gambling. Yes, I am currently employed as an alcohol and drug counselor. Additionally, I retired from the federal grovernment at 51 y/o as a GS12 working in public health after 30 years of service. It’s a relief to know I have a disease and an disorder not a moral deficiency
I have just had a plea for help from a friend of my adult daughter. michele is in a very bad place at the moment and needs to be hospitalised. her friend who is a nurse takes my daughter to her country family home and the peace and quiet usually brings her back, but not this time. she is bringing michele back tomorrow as she is scared to take her eyes off her. my daughter cut me out of her life for no reason and now I have to hospitalise her. this is breaking my heart as I love her so much. I feel she will never forgive me for this, but cant bear to think what might happen if I don,t.
my family do not believe in bi-polar and what it can do to a person. thanks for letting me vent this is longest night of my life.
keep strong all who suffer and their carers.
love lorraine
sorry forgot to add that I am in australia and it is 1.47am. cheers lorraine
to a point i might agree. but since I also have these symptoms that I now can recognize I control myself and no it isn’t easy. I have never been unfaithful and yes adultery is still adultery. I want to be as much in control as possible, so symptoms come and go but how would I not start to realize what they are on their onset? Would I not be ignoring myself, yes you are impaired, but even a impaired person has morals and can think and or reason to a degree. I believe that what you can and will do impaired you are contemplating or already fantasizing about. If I could use my bipolar as a free ticket to do what ever I liked with no consequence where would it end. of course I do not wish to do so. It would mean I have no control and this disorder has won, may that never be the case. So on goes the fight.
I’m new to this group and very new to this disorder.
I’ve been married for 7 months now and just filed for divorce this morning. I desperately do not want a divorce but feel pressured to do it as a last resort. After reading up on these disorders and talking to people in our shoes, I’ve concludedthirst that my wife is bipolar, histrionic with OCD.
I desperately need help getting her help and saving our marriage. If not to save our marriage, then to just get her help. What do I do, where do I go, how do I make positive progress and all with a wife that refuses to hear anything outside me being the reason for a failed marriage?
Allan
To ALLAN: Before making the final decision of the life-altering action of divorce, could you possibly have your wife seen by her family doctor, get a referral to a psychiatrist or therapist, and have them assess her stability or lack thereof? Seven months really ISN’T that long to decide you can’t handle your new bride. Of course, bipolar disorder is catastrophic to those who are caught up in its destructiveness, but there ARE solutions to help your wife in recovery.
She needs to be on the right medications (which sometimes takes a while), and, in addition, see a therapist for talk therapy. If she WON’T go to a doctor on her own, perhaps you could call it “couples therapy” and she MIGHT buy it. The dissolution of such a short time together is sad; I just wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.
With the “experience, behavior, choises” question, there are some things I disagree with. When I’ve been in a full-blown manic episode, I CAN’T seem to make good choices, and act IMPULSIVELY, either sexually, spendthriftedness, or take off half-cocked on a trip across the country! I am the NICEST, most easy to get along with person when I’m manic, and nobody has noticed any difference in me, in spite of my behavior being “off the wall.” They think that’s “normal” and I’m just “eccentric.”
I have maxed out my credit cards, leaving me with a mortgage I find VERY hard to cover. I’ve cheated on my boyfriend, whose libido is tanked, just to please myself and my yearnings. Yes, I have choices, but when I’m hypomanic or manic, I don’t SEE them. They are irrelevant and don’t even EXIST in the realm I find myself in. I buck all the “normal” trends, and eventually end up in “crash and burn” mode. It’s THEN that I look back and realize the destructiveness of my behaviors and choices. What did Robert Burns say? “I wish to God the gift to ‘ge us, to see ourselves as ‘ithers see us.” (He was Scottish, thus the idiom). Yes, I wish that I could hold up a mirror to myself in a mania and actually SEE and understand what I’m doing BEFORE I do it.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.
P.S. My boyfriend’s name is “Allan,” too!! Actually, it’s Edgar Allan Thorn, and he’s Welsh.
A person in Mania, Hypo-Mania or in between, often imply CANNOT make good judgements for themselves.
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We HAVE to use TOUGH-LOVE
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I tried to help my wife, tried using reason, logic, calm understanding. All I eneded up doing is enabling her episodes, reinforcing her denial. Evantually it started hurting our children so it HAS to STOP.
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I have spoken to many supporters of BP sufferers – the ones with the best outcomes, acted firmly. Often against the strong oposition o the BP person, and often against that peron’s family but without exception they did the right thing. In pretty much eery case, the patient thanked them afterward.
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Remember also the unless there is a miracle cure one day (Trust me there is NOTHING now) BP is for life – at best it can be managed – even between episodes, it is there. If the patient goes off medication “because he/she feels better” or “doesn’t like the side-effects” they WILL go manic or get depresses again and the more times that happens the worse it will get until it realy does become untreatable.
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BP mania is almost exactly like a high from the worst drug and it can be just as addicive and just as destructive.
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Be strong, be firm, be loving but do not be an enabler.
Hypersexuality is yet another “symptom” I have never had.
All I have been with have wanted sex far more often than I have.
I gues they are Women.
I try to get out of it…
I don’t see this person’s e-mail as a hard and fast philosophy or judgment upon other peoples’ behavior.
I think there is a very realistic acknowledgement of the reality of bipolar disorder, its symptoms, and the struggle to make the best possible choices in spite of those symptoms.
Over time, there is much to be learned about an individual, personal experience of bipolar disorder–the experience.
Of COURSE, the ability to make the healthiest choices is VERY, VERY difficult when we are very depressed or very manic.
But as the learning process progresses, we CAN learn to recognize symptoms and PREPARE better for dealing with those experiences.
If I’ve been very depressed in the past, maybe I didn’t make the best choices about how to handle that. But once I recognize that experience coming on, maybe now I can do something different.
Maybe when I’m feeling well, I can plan for what I will do next time I get depressed. That might be the best time to make a choice. I can set myself up ahead of time so that I am more likely to succeed.
And I think that beyond looking at particular behaviors or incidents, the really empowering point in this message is to realize that symptoms of bipolar disorder do not MAKE me do things.
They influence me. They can be overwhelming. But they can’t FORCE me to do anything. I like this, because it means I never throw up my hands and say “bipolar disorder made me do it.”
And I’ll still make mistakes when I have symptoms, but I won’t feel helpless. I’ll be able to look at those mistakes rather than denying them. And from there, I can plan better for the next very difficult experience of this condition.
I think responsibility is power. If I hand my sense of accountability over my actions to a supporter or an illness, or a difficult event, then I give my power over to all of those other things.
Take credit for ALL the wonderful, incredibly difficult work you do to get well and stay well. Celebrate every positive choice you make, ESPECIALLY when you somehow do the best things IN SPITE OF an impairment.
And, own up to the choices that didn’t turn out so well, even if they are influenced BY the same impairment. This is not to blame yourself or others for symptoms, or to judge any person because they made a decision they later regret.
It’s just to think enough of yourself to celebrate yourself, AND to like yourself, and care for yourself, after you make a choice you regret.
I believe “cleaning up” after I make a mistake influenced by the experience of bipolar disorder shows more than responsibility. It also shows an ability and a desire to care for myself.
It’s a strength to make a mistake, for WHATEVER reason…just a human mistake, and to be nice to yourself, be patient with yourself, while you make ammends.
In the end, it helps me show myself the same compassion I would show to anyone I care about when they make a mistake that hurts me. I’d forgive him. I might like him to do what he could to “clean up,” but I sure wouldn’t write him off.
So I don’t do it to myself, either. Take EVERYTHING you do in response to this experience. Embrace it. Take back your power. And if you do something you regret (as we all, we humans, will do) “clean up” if possible. Because it’s responsible, and because it’s just good, forgiving care for yourself.
Not like anyone asked for my advice… lol
J
I have a 1 or 2 “symptoms” of an UNPROVEN DISORDER.
The “symptopms” came whilst on “medication.’
What a co-incidence the “treatments” ARE PROVEN TO CAUSE ALL THEY ARE MENT TO TREAT.
THIS SITE & ALL OTHERS LIKE IT NEED SHUTTING DOWN.
Hypomania and mania are a drug – there are people with bipolar addicted to these states because they give them the high like drugs do. And I agree, it is worse than someone doing drugs for the family. Someone can stop taking drugs and get “clean”. Bipolar never goes away and the cycles go on and on and on and on and on.
For emphasis, YES IT IS HARD–and harder than I can possibly put into words.
But, to me there is nothing more dismal than reverting back to the belief that we simply have no control over our behaviors when we are in an episode.
It’s dismal, because if you follow that logic, it begs the question, “What’s the point of plans, systems, therapy, meds, exercise, healthy sleep, supporter blogs, support groups, education, etc, etc.? By this way of thinking, all I can do is buckle my seatbelt, cringe, and wait to wake up to the damage I’ve caused.
Everyone sees this differently, I understand. And I see all of the work I do to take care of myself as preparation for making the best possible choices when confronted with an episode.
NOT EASY. AND NOT GOING TO WORK ALL THE TIME. NOT GOING TO BE THE SAME EVERY TIME. AND POOR JUDGMENTS WILL STILL BE MADE, SOMETIMES.
I think sometimes people don’t realize I have been there. I am there. I work at this every day of my life. I have made very poor decisions in the past, but I learned what it means to be stable, and I have many more options now.
I’m not feeding anyone a line about sunshine, lolipops and rainbows. I’m saying, I see choices where once there did not seem to be any. I see improvements in MYSELF and my ability to cope, where there were once none.
And common sense evidence says I HAVE made different DECISIONS when confronted with the same symptoms. Maybe I used to self-harm when I got really depressed. But I haven’t done it in more than a decade.
The bad depressions can STILL happen, after all this time. And in that really terrible mindset, I can THINK about self-harming again. But I also KNOW a lot more now than I did a long time ago. I know now that I can do other things in a pinch like that.
Personally, if it came down to self-harming or not, I would go to the emergency room and be admitted rather than hurt myself again.
In fact, even if that really bad depression, and that urge to self-harm only comes very rarely, I am prepared.
I live alone, and I don’t have a “supporter,” but one thing I did to take care of myself in a crisis is to keep an envelope with enough money for a cab to the hospital, and return, in a desk drawer.
Now, of course, I could grab 20 bucks out of my wallet any time I need that cab money. But the point is, I know this could happen to me. I could feel so awful that I know I should go to the hospital unexpectedly. I put that envelope in place when I feel well, and I never forget it’s there.
Maybe taking yourself to a hospital doesn’t sound like a great outcome, but like I said, I’d do it in a heartbeat before I hurt myself.
So–it’s a very different choice than self-harming. And it brings about a very different outcome. But that depression, that symptom, can be, and often is just as overwhelming as it was in the “old days,” when I made the regrettable choice to hurt myself.
Bipolar disorder didn’t force me to hurt myself. It didn’t force me to prevent myself from hurting myself.
I think this is a very hopeful thing to recognize in ourselves! Every day on here I read about people who are making their lives better because they are working SO hard to live well with the condition.
I’m only saying–wow, I truly believe we have a GREAT deal of potential and power. I’d never relinquish that because I was “in an episode” and felt helpless!!
I am curious to know,how you got my name and email information? Please email me back so I would be more familiar.Did I write to you or meet you ? Thank you kindly….
You signed up to get my emails.