Hi,
How’s it going?
What a day was yesterday. I had so much nonsense to deal with.
I have one person who USE TO work for me excusing me of discriminating against them because they have bipolar disorder.
I heard and read how I was a bad person, I “exploited people”, I created a “poisonous work environment.” on and on and on and on. The entire thing gave me a headache. After reading it, you would think I was a really, really bad person.
This person is suppose to report me to the labor department which is funny since I have more than 10 people that work for me with one or more disorders.
I can’t wait. Because I am going to document the entire thing from a to z and hopefully help another employer deal with a nightmare like this.
The sad part is, this kind of nonsense wastes my time and instead of working on productive things I am bogged down with stupid stuff.
Over the last few weeks, I have been lied to so many times it’s amazing, had my credit card used without my permission, multiple people in the organization have been lied to, I have heard every possible excuse why something wasn’t done, work hasn’t gotten done, time sheets submitted didn’t make sense sometimes.
I have MASSIVE documentation of what happened and all that was done wrong. I also have multiple lawyers, HR people and 4 people on the team who will just be working on this in case something comes up with the labor department. Unfortunately I had one person slip through the hiring process that should not have been hired. In like 30 days it was a total disaster had occurred. Far worse than my mom’s episodes because my mom never was working for me when she went into a bipolar episode.
The sad part is that everyone that has one or more disorders said this person was not stable and should be let go. I gave second, third, fourth, fifth up to I am not kidding, maybe 20+ chances.
Even after my credit card was used without my permission which is illegal you know, I suspended the person hoping that we could help the person. However I really got conned and scammed.
The entire thing has cost me a ton.
I am so annoyed about the entire thing, I am contacting the labor department and going to interview them.
I am sure there are people on my list, trying to figure out how to deal with an employee with bipolar disorder or some disorder like it that is a nightmare.
So as I was going through this, did I just freak out? Nope.
I heard an expression one time:
“Can you keep your head when everyone around you is losing theirs?”
At first I thought this was funny, but then I thought about it.
So what does this have to do with bipolar disorder?
Think about it, like I did.
What if your loved one is in an episode. How do you keep your normal, calm self and your positive attitude while they are going totally manic?
See what I mean?
It sure isn’t easy, is it?
But it can be done.
Two things:
1. You have to separate you loved one from their disorder.
2. You have to separate yourself from your loved one.
One way to separate your loved one from their disorder is to think about how they are when they’re not in an episode.
Another way to separate your loved one from their disorder is to remember why you care about them, or why you fell in love with them in the first place.
One way to separate yourself from your loved one when they’re in an episode is to continue going about your life as you normally would.
Another way is to take a break. Do something for yourself that you enjoy – maybe go to the movies with a friend. Try not to think about your loved one’s episode.
These are just a few of the suggestions I offer in my courses/systems below:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
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Still, it’s hard to keep a normal, calm self and a positive attitude when your loved one is in a manic episode, no matter how many suggestions I offer. You’re the one going through it, after all.
So how do you stay normal and calm?
If you’re a spiritual person, you pray. If you have a good friend, you talk to them about what is going on, or cry on their shoulder.
If you write in a journal, you write out all your thoughts and feelings honestly, knowing no one else will read them.
Some people scream into a pillow.
And how do you keep a positive attitude?
Well, that’s up to you. How do you normally keep a positive attitude in spite of the fact that your loved one has bipolar disorder, even when they’re not in an episode?
You deal with it one day at a time, that’s what most people tell me, and you make the best of it.
You take care of yourself, and your family.
You try to be grateful for the small things.
And be especially grateful when your loved one isn’t in an episode and things are fairly normal in your life.
So how do you keep your head when everyone around you is losing theirs?
What do you think? I’d like to know how YOU do it?
The thing is, when you have someone who works for you, you don’t have time to sit around and wait for them to get better. I made a HUGE mistake and never will make this one again.
I think back to all the jobs my mom lost and all the problems she must have created for employers. They probably really, really, really, disliked her.
Based on what has happen to me, I am sure my mom cost some employers in the past tons of money and made their life miserable.
The difference between my mom and this person is that my mom didn’t really know what she had. This person however absolutely does and manipulates people and the system.
Several consultants that help me say I am out of my mind and should never hire people from my list.
The entire thing is a annoying. The good news is that I have great new replacements and from now on, we will have multiple layers of oversight. Over the last few days we created all new systems to prevent this from happening again.
I am also going to be in close contact with several government agencies including the labor department when these issues come up.
My mom said to me that she had no idea that someone with bipolar disorder would do such stuff. I said to her “mom you use to be just like that why do you think you lost 20 jobs.” She said sorry but again my mom really didn’t know any better. The worst is when a person knows what they have and still does this stuff.
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Post responses below
Dave:
Where are you job listings?
David
I grew up with my mom being ill and not knowing what was going on. I thought this was how families lived. About 20 yrs. after I married my dad gave up on trying to take care of her and moved out. I took over her care.
I am 2nd of 8 siblings, all within 10 years of each other. The oldest is just like my mother. I have depression and am treating it with meds and gratefully, doing well. No one else in the family would understand that momma was ill. To them she could stop acting out and change if she wanted to. Somebody had to do something so I did just that.
What momma would do is quit taking her meds and not tell anyone. Her behaviors and personality would be ok for awhile then go ballistic. She lived alone for 5 years and wound up in nursing homes because I did not know anything else to do. God is so great because He allowed a long term insurance company to accept her for care. Not 3 months later she was in the system. She needs to be watched over, not in a nursing home anylonger, but assisted living.
After a couple of years in the mental hospital I asked for a hearing to have her declared imcompetent and it was granted. She no longer can say “I’m not taking my meds” or “I don’t want to go to the hospital”. I have finally been able to get her on Resperidal Consta injections. It may not be the super right med for her condition, however, it is the only med I can get into her that she is unable to throw up, spit out, poop out or not take. The way I see it any med I can get in her system is better than none.
What does this have to do with separating her from her illness? It was really difficult to do so, but I have learned how. I have to think of her as having a split personality. I have given her illness the name of “Stella” after the personality in “A Streetcar Named Desire”. When Stella is in control there is very little sign of momma present.
Momma is the most fun loving person, would give you the shirt off her back, wrap you in her arms and hug and kiss you; and I miss that so much. HOpefully she will be back in control shortly.
I have been handling Stella and her problems for about 12 years now. I am struggling to do so because of my own depression, my husband is ready for me to step down from her care, my father and father-in-law are both in and out of hospitals and staying at our home to recuperate. I am a REALTOR and doing my best to pay my bills, spend time with my children and grandchildren.
Again, God takes care of all things. One of my siblings and his wife have offered to take over the curatorship of momma. It is hard to let loose of the reins, but it is time to do so. All the paperwork has been completed and just yesterday I gave them all I have of mommas stuff.
I do appreciate receiving your postings and what you do. I am keeping you in my prayers for continued success. God is allowing these things to happen so you can pass on your knowledge as you already are.
Madeleine W.
There are criminals and con artists in every walk of life. Some have bipolar, some don’t. At the end the result is the same. Deliberate gaming of any system is frustrating and employers lose a lot of money this way.
My experience was of a co-worker that gamed the reimbursement structure of our department, he skewed the budget and eventually affected 70 people and cost the empoyer a ton of money. I think the worst is discovering the scheme, personally I found it very disturbing to realise that someone I worked with for 3 years had absolutely no work ethic or morals. He had no mental illness, he was just a bad apple.
I think this empoyee of David is trying to hide behind a smoke screen – sorry about your loss (of time, energy, and money) over this thing David.
I am sorry that all of this happened to you, David. It is very unfortunate. However, I hope it doesn’t deter you from hiring from your list. Not just because I applied. 🙂 But because we are not all like that. I have bipolar and ever since I was diagnosed, I watch myself very carefully. I don’t put myself in situations that I can potentially do any damage for an employer. I think that despite our disorders, we are basically the same people inside. In other words, I think that person may have had those tendancies despite having a disorder. Not all bad people are mentally ill. Some are just bad apples. When I found out I had bipolar, I read everything and now I know what to stay away from. To get enough sleep, stay away from street drugs, limit my stress levels, don’t put myself in slippery situations. When I do find myself emotional, I ask myself certain questions to determine whether I’m just being emotional, or whether or not I’m really in an episode. I’m a good person that did bad things (like your mom, before I found out what I had). And I felt terrible about it because I knew that wasn’t who I really was. Knowledge is the key and you do a great job and giving everybody just that. Keep it up and go see a movie. 🙂
Your problem was you hired someone without a plan for treatment during an episode. You didn’t set limits. You didn’t give the bipolar person a “go to” person. Bipolar is a one on one thing. I’ve definately learned that in the past 15+ years. A bipolar person has got to have rules to follow if they get sick. You can’t expect a sick person to be honest and trustworthy when they are sick. That’s why you need a “go to” person. I am sorry you are having all these problems, but you didn’t set the ground rules. As being bipolar, I know my ground rules. My family and friends know my ground rules. I don’t go shopping. I don’t try to cook. I eat scheduled meals. Sometimes I require someone to sleep over. I tell someone in my group what happening with me and my head. I tell my doctor.
This is how I have learned to take care of my illness.
Most of my family and friends can tell by talking to me if I am in an episode. If so, they put in a plan to get me through it.
You were great to hire bipolar people. But all your people have the same disease. Who is watching the hen house. Someone has to be a risponsible person who knows about the disease and can monitor the employees.
We are crazy sometimes. That is our nature now. That is our illness. That is a fact we cannot change.
So you have to make changes to accomodate this. You will not make the same mistake twice.
See you, Martha J. Chauvin mj9054@yahoo.com
985-395-9054
My son and my husband are both bipolar and although I thought that has been challenging, it was when I became a supervisor that I truly understood what challenging was. Having someone work with you that does not accept responsibility for their actions or one who is trying to beat the system is a difficult thing. It doesnt matter if they have bipolar or any other illness, the outcome is still the same – you see whats going on but you as a benevolent boss try to accommodate them and give them chance after chance even when you know it is not the best thing to do. Sometime its harder dealing with employees because I know in my case, I was more willing to call my family members on their negative behavior than to call my staff on it and I made far less excuses for them. I dont believe that you had these issues solely because you hire from your list, in the agency I work for we get 10 minutes for an interview and are expected to know that a person will be a good fit – you get conned alot since people have become very good at their issues, its only when their in the middle of a full blown episode that you discover the truth. I know this is a rough experience and that your trust levels have been diminished but hang in there, you are doing a tremendous amount of work to educate the public on bipolar disorder and even though other may attempt this – you have learned how to react to it.
Dave,
I am so sorry to hear what happened. About the time I found your website, I was starting to go into a depressive episode. At first I thought it was not getting enough sun. This is mid-summer, but during Monsoon I may be lucky to get 5 minutes of sun a day here in India. I love the rain and today to cheer me up I went outside after the worst rain was over and splashed bare foot in puddles. I know there are a lot of things going on in my life that I have little control over which makes the depression worse. Like my best friend says, don’t curse the g*ds, just accept the good and move on.
Normally I’m a very positive person. This past winter I had a nasty sinus infection and my brother joked that only I could find the good in it. Right now I have a broken arm and am in a cast for a month. My husband said this morning “You have 3 weeks left.” I said “Yes, but I’ve already had it on a week so I’m a quarter of the way through.” Even when really I’m ultra depressed, I try to find the good. It keeps me going, that and my kitties.
Well, I need to go make supper. Thank you for help and support.
Hi Dave,
At one time or another;all of us have reached a point in our lives that we feel used,abused,overwhelmed, exhausted……pushed beyond our limits.
I certainly know what this feels like, and the thing that works best for me,is to take a few deep breaths and say to myself…….. “This is another test” “I have had them before and came through them, and although this one is unlike anything I’ve had to deal with before;I will use my best to stay patient,use my resourses,stay above it, and I will come out of this a stronger and perhaps a better person”
Usually this works,it’s never easy…but sometimes the other person that is pushing my buttons comes though it a better person as well,maybe because they are equally as frustated,and needed to see someone stay in control.
Hi David: I wouldn’t worry too much about your experience, except the fraudulent credit card usage, I would be wanting to get reimbursed for whatever they charged to it. But as far as the labor board goes, don’t you know that Bi-po or not, some bosses are half a jack ass and ex bosses are total jack asses, so I don’t really expect too much action on that area. Just relax about the labor board and file charges for the credit card usage! A lot of people out their complain about their boss and I suppose I am the exception to the rule as I have worked at several different jobs in as many different states and I only had 1 boss who was a total jack ass, but I got along with him anyways, until he got drunk one night and tried to corner me up in the the big walk in refrigerator of a large restaurant. I didn’t do anything about it and I never said anything about it until now, but I certainly had him hopping to a different song after that. Silent blackmail. The best kind! He was the only one because all other bosses were more or less like family and when I left all my jobs (including the 1 jack ass) it was on good terms.
David, I think every employer goes through what you are describing. It’s hard to screen someone based on a phone conversation or emails (maybe you do face to face interviews, I don’t know, you haven’t said). Like my Mom always said.. pick yourself up, dust yourself off, figure out what you were meant to learn and go forward.
As far as separating myself from my son’s illness, I am lucky in having the abilitly to do that. I know it isn’t my loving son spewing out those hateful words. It’s the illness and I try not to let it bother me. It’s kind of like most kids when they are little yell out that they hate you in a moment of anger but you know it’s not true. My son is 18 so isn’t that little kid anymore, but maybe it was during those times that I learned not to take to heart what he was saying. I like what Madeleine said about giving the person in the episode a different name. That is definitely a good way to make a total separation.
Keep up the good work David!
“One bad apple don’t spoil the whole bunch.” I’m really sorrry you had this experience with, what I suppose, was a trusted employee. But – as soon as you discovered the con he was giving you – THAT should have been a “red flag.” Yes – give them 1 or 2 chances to improve, but DON’T keep on allowing them to manipulate you. By now, I HOPE you have realized that with current and potential employees. Given enough rope, ANYONE can hang themselves (just an expression!).
My last outpatient episode occurred on my last job – my boss and other people I worked for, came into my office and showed me a pleading (I worked at Legal Aid), that had typos in EVERY line. I knew immediately THAT was NOT me acting, but the bipolar. I was under tremendous stress; the other secretary had just quit, and I was responsible for 7 attorneys and 2 paralegals, as well as doing intake for potential clients. It was TOO much stress, but I thought I was invincible. I was hypomanic at the time, and just didn’t recognize the signs. They fired me on the spot, but offered me company disability – for four YEARS! I came out of that situation “smelling like a rose.” BUT – I was hard on myself, beating myself up for making such STUPID mistakes. I have since PROOFREAD everything I type, so as NOT to repeat that situation.
There will ALWAYS be manipulators and con men in EVERY situation; the “word to the wise” is to recognize them at the beginning of their behavior. I’m sooo sorry you had to learn the hard way, but now, you KNOW better!!
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good.
I found it helpful when my dear wife developed severe bipolar then degenerated into advanced dementia, just before she died, to remind myself of the words of the apostle Paul when he said, “And I will very gladly spend and be spent for you though the more abundantly I love you the less I be loved.” I made this my purpose in life to serve her the best I could.
Hi Dave,
As a foreclosure specialist, my job deals with blame all day, every day and I have learned a few lessons along the way. They may help or they may not. Take what you need and leave the rest.
Accountability is the name of the game here. The problem arrives when we get into a blame game with anyone (sick or not). They say…, You say… They say it to another…You say it to another, and so on goes the game of blame. People will always do what they do (sick or not ) and our job is to listen and bring a remedy to the conversation.
The best lesson I ever learned in dealing with a conflict is this: If it can not be done one on one, then we enlist the help of one other, that can meet with us and the other in hopes of negotiating a middle ground. If this fails then we turn it over to the appropriate body’s for resolution.
And, Finally, we move on! There is no honor or respect in blasting our issues or concerns to those whom can not resolve the problem at large. All it does …is create a bigger conflict!
Good Luck and I wish you a more peaceful day!
Hi.
You are complaining and waiting us to feel sorry for you.
It’s OK to have problems; but most problems appear when you are not interested in what you are doing or you are unsatisfied somehow.
You make discriminations: “The difference between my mom and this person is that my mom didn’t really know what she had. This person
however absolutely does and manipulates people and the system.”
…Didn’t you know about this person’s disease?
Everybody manipulates people and the system, more or less, being aware or not.
Example: you manipulate us by complaining and waiting some reactions…
………………………………………………………
I hope you know to joke.
Bye-bye.
As adults we certainly expected to know right from wrong. No matter how depressed or manic one may become, you know when you are not being truthful, when you are stealing and not doing what is expected. Especially when you keep doing wrong, this is what the intentions were all along, deception and manipulation.
Fool me once, shame on you,
Fool me twice, shame on me.
But, to keep letting someone get away with fraudulent, and intentional behavior that is detrimental to your very livelihood has no good outcome for no one.
People need to be call out on their bad behavior, deceitfulness, and foolishness they want people to keep putting up with. Let them know first hand that you are aware of the perpetration and it has to stop right away. Don’t make excuses for them or allow them to give you bogus and repeated excuses.
Sometimes when we let people know that no matter what – we expect the best of them and we will not settle for nothing less therefore, if they won’t put forth a conscious effort to do so- then we can not be responsible for the actions we must take to rectify the matter.
If someone is stealing, sabotaging, deceitful and manipulating it is their way to get what it is they want at any cost.
And they will use any excuse to use to explain their actions.
It is commendable that you gave this person the benefit of the doubt, but all the signs were there that this person was indeed manipulating, and downright deceitful. It has nothing to do with bipolar and everything to do with morals and principles.
This person stepped beyond the boundaries and now needs to face the ramifications and consequences.
Don’t profile everybody that suffer with bipolar or mental illness with this type of behavior, that was an isolated and unfortunate incident, chop it up as a learning experience and one more piece of the puzzle to complete and/or enhance your cause.
Sometimes we run into road blocks that are divine intervention. And, in the end we will reap the benefits.
Keep on keeping on because bigger and much better things are in store for you.
BELIEVE!! Stay Encouraged.
I am new to this whole thing and from what I have read I just want to turn tail and run!
I have been through the wringer with a new person in my life with this bi-polar disorder that I met about a month ago. But I did not find out his problem until a couple of days ago. Now I am reading up on this problem and am feeling very overwhelmed by these stories.
Funny how quickly this guy took me for a ride on his roller coaster.
He has taken checks and credit cards from me and still denies it although every gut instinct tells me it was him.
I care about him and want to help but am I better off to get out while there’s still time?
Request from Georgia’s National Alliance On Mental Illness (NAMI) For Help Locating A Missing Person
see photos below
Gladys Harper (NAMI)
(770) 234-0855
Missing
Jesse Daniel Tompkins is from New Jersey, and was hospitalized in June at Ft. Lauderdale Hospital. Discharged to the North Miami area, against the request of his family, he has been missing since Friday, July 25, 2008. He is endangered and has not had his medication since July 24, 2008. Ft. Lauderdale Hospital told the family they would not discharge Jesse till his family arrived on Monday – July 28. Jesse’s family was in the process of making plans to go to Florida to bring him home, when they received a call that he had already been discharged Friday afternoon. Last seen Friday evening – He has no money, may be afraid, confused, disoriented or trying to get back to NJ.
Pray for his safe return.
If you see Jesse please contact: Miami Police @ 305-891-8111 where a Missing Persons Report has been filed.
NAMI: Rose – 239-369-4850
RoRoBasker5@Hotmail.com
JESSE DANIEL TOMPKINS
DOB: 01-28-82 AGE 26
HT: 6′ 2″ WT: 190 LBS.
EYES: BROWN HAIR: MEDIUM BROWN
JEWELRY: *LEFT EAR PIERCED – DIAMOND STUD
*MILLVILLE HIGH SCHOOL CLASS OF 2000 RING, GOLD WITH GARNET STONE CROSS,THUNDERBOLT, REBEL FLAG ON RING
*RING: GOLD PRAYING HANDS WITH SMALL DIAMONDS
*WATCH: TOMMY BAHAMA SILVER WITH BLUE BAND
*NECKLACE: GOLD ROPE CHAIN WITH ROUND CHARM WITH FACE OF CHRIST
*WEARS GLASSES AND OR CONTACTS
*SCARS: IN EYE BROWS
Millie’s Photography Photo taken May 3, 2008
Millie’s Photography Photos taken May 3, 2008
——————————————————————————–
From: ROYALJSA@aol.com [mailto:ROYALJSA@aol.com]
Sent: Tuesday, July 29, 2008 9:43 AM
Subject: Who will listen? ? ? ? ?
This is long, complicated, yet still VERY condensed. It has to do, YET AGAIN, with the injustices imposed on the patients, loved-ones and families dealing with mental illness. We are all aware of the recent tragedy in NY, where a patient was just left to die in a hospital waiting room. Hospitalized since June 15, 2008, my son, Jesse, was – against our wishes discharged from Ft. Lauderdale Hospital Friday afternoon (July 25, 2008) – even though we told them, it would not be in the best interest for my son to be released to the place they had already arranged prior to talking to me. I was given no information about the place, didn’t know if my insurance would cover the expense – When I asked about it I was told someone would contact me. I protested and told them I and my daughter would fly there to get him, and bring him home to New Jersey. We maintained my son needed a more secured and medically supervised facility to achieve stabilization – which they had not been able to do. I was told my choices were the halfway house – a state hospital or to come get him. (By the way – Jesse was in the hospital under what is known as the Baker Act – involuntarily committed ) We told them we would be making immediate flight arrangements to come to FL and bring him home Monday July 28. They presented as thought they were interested in our inclusion in the discharge planning, and we all agreed that Jesse missed his family and would do much better if he were closer to home and family. I spoke to the CEO – who said he was not familiar with the case, that he would look into it and call me right back. They said they would keep him there, so we could get him, but within 2 hours of the conversation, they discharged the him to a N. Miami area halfway house. He has been missing since Friday July 25. They knew we were coming to get him, and discharged him anyway.
I have contacted Nami. The hospital CEO has forbid his staff to have any further contact with me, other than one of the Directors, Mary Walker, who was assigned as my “contact person”. A police report was finally filed last night approximately 8 PM. There are a lot of twisted inconsistencies to details and a lot of “hang-ups”. I was told Saturday that he was doing well and went to the day program – however, that staff person already knew Jesse was missing. The hospital day program records confirmed that Jesse did not attend on Saturday. The person giving me this information has since been mysteriously placed on a leave of absence from the hospital and has also been forbidden to speak to me. Ms. Walker was informed of Jesse’s missing status at the Monday morning 9 AM staffing meeting – she was also told that I was immediately informed on Friday evening . Another lie. I didn’t know until 10 AM Monday, when I called the halfway house to see how the weekend had gone for Jesse. I was passed off to yet another person. This is when I was told he was gone.
We, and many families with loved ones that suffer from mental illness especially, have little or no voice in these matters. Or we are blamed for not doing enough. Jesse was there involuntarily, but was suddenly deemed “competent” for discharge. As a matter of fact – the CEO told me that I had plenty of time to make arrangements for a different facility. I had been doing just that with the help of my insurance company, and had five different options for transfer. The Florida hospital disregarded all of the other facilities and my input. I have no idea as to the safety and whereabouts of my son. Our hearts are heavy and breaking as we just sit and wait and cry till we have no more tears.
Who will listen?????
By His Grace,
Shirley Royal
856-825-4474
Dave I had a great job as manageress, but due to my illness I had to take a demotion as Supervisor, which also affected my health, because I suffered many set backs and had to be hospitalised on several occasions. I had no sick leave available and had to resign. I dedicated myself to my work and at the end of the day I have never been acknowledge for all my hard work. Whilst working as manageress I had to go off from work for maternity leave when I went back to work I had to do a stocktake and had a sockloss of more than 5 percent. Three stocktakes followed and the results was the same. You know the reason was that the relieving manager and his family were helping themselves after hours, but I had to take the blame I was devasted and that is when I started experiencing the worst signs of my illness. I got worse but still worked and remained dedicated and loyal. You know it is amazing how people can get away with their wrong doing. It made me feel sad to think that people can just steal and get away with it. I was never happy wherever I worked because there were always colleagues that were nasty, because I am a very honest person and walked out on many jobs where I felt the staff were not treated fairly. I am not working now for ten years although I enjoyed working, but due to the fact that my medication are changed on a regular basis because of the effects. The doctors are not sure what medication to prescribe because I have been on the whole list of drugs available, the E.C.T. made my condition worse and that is my last resort. I sometimes ask myself why do I have to suffer this disease it is like living in the dark most of the time. My husband do not understand completely how I feel sometimes. My whole life I wanted to be something in life now I sit at home doing housework, working in the garden sometimes sleeping. I feel lonely and sad most of the time even if I have people around me. You know it is good to know I can share my thoughts with someone as I have no friends to share my feelings with. The only way I express myself is when I take my notes and write down how I feel. Thank you for allowing me to express myself. I know how you feel and I hope things will work out for you. You are doing a great job and you need loyal staff. I leave you with these few words.
GOD WANTS ME TO TELL YOU
YOU HAVE BEEN DESTINED TO MAKE IT AND YOU
SHALL SURELY ACHIEVE ALL YOUR GOALS THIS YEAR
FOR THE REMAINING MONTHS OF THE YEAR
YOUR AGONIES WILL BE DIVERTED AND
VICTORY AND PROSPERITY WILL BE
INCOMING IN ABUNDANCE
TODAY GOD HAS CONFIRMED THE
END OF YOUR SUFFERING, SORROW AND
PAINS BECAUSE HE THAT SITS ON THE THRONE
HAS REMEMBERED YOU
HE HAS TAKEN AWAY THE HARDSHIPS AND
GIVEN YOU
JOY
Dave
I am also sorry for what you have had to go through with this person. Unfortuneately, these kinds of things happen. I am a mother of two adults daughters who have bi-polar as well as myself. I was diagnosed in 1988 three years after I lost my son to SIDS. I had spent my whole life before finding out I was bi-polar and gone through many jobs. Of course when I was working I was the best employee but tended to put too much into the job and then got stressed out and also have ADHD so got bored and then would leave my job. But being bi-polar and obviously having criminal tendencies as this person you hired must of had would definitely be a bad combination and of course obviously they tend to do the blame game.
I know about that, my one daughter is Bi-polar, ADHD, OCD, drug addict and has severe separation anxiety from me. She take respiradal and effexor which seems to keep her steady. Except when she relaspes and then it is sheer H*LL. I have had to learn to separate from her or then I am at risk of flipping out. I haven’t taken your courses due to financial problems but I do read your emails and I really can understand everything you talk about. I was actually thinking about applying for some of your job openings but noticed you have found new people. Hope it all goes well for you as you seem to be constantly busy and really need that extra help so you can help others. thank you for sharing.
Hi Everyone, I just wanted to share my experience about my x-wife. She was a manipulator, that I believe didn’t have an anxiety disorder, but was bi-polar. She would act out like she was having a panic attack, so she could go to a doctor to get xanax. Then she would go get a bottle of cheap bourbon, or a twelve pack of beer, and go really crazy being hurtful, and violent, then blame it on her condition, that she purposely put herself in !! She would also get coke and speed from her friends and become completely weird, and I found her and everything she did to be unacceptable in my life ! So I left…. Sometimes we find ourselves trying to help people we love, when all we are really doing is showing them it’s OK to be sick, and you can do anything you feel like doing to me and others, and I’ll always forgive you. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG !!! THESE PEOPLE NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP ! All we can do is stand by and hope they get the help they need, whether it’s medical, psychological, or in most cases BOTH. BUT WE DO NOT HAVE TO ACCEPT THEIR BEHAVIOR, OR EXCUSE IT JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE A PROBLEM. We can only ask them to pursue the help they need, and HOPE they do, and get better. Everybody has problems. It’s a sign that we are alive. But we have to take responsibility of our own problems and STOP blaming them (our problems) on outside influence or others. If you have a problem, you look for a solution. When someone you love has a problem, you can try to help them find a solution, but it is up to them what they will accept for themselves.
You say your Mum has had had numerous jobs due to her Bipolar. Was she sacked? I also have Bipolar – have never been sacked and have had numerous jobs over the years. I figure I get bored and many of my past employees have asked me to return. I have been in this job I am in now 6 years – and it is great.
what I am most scared about is what my son might do in an episode. I know it’s not “him” acting out, but his illness. However, using the recent example of the fellow who stabbed and beheaded a 22 year old on a greyhound bus in Manitoba a few days ago, and this 40 year old man is waiting psychiatric evalutation…. I am concerned. I would like to live in a dream world where my loved one is stable on medication, but I am so frightened about what could happen in the future! I know I am not suppose to worry about what “might” or “could” happen, but after hearing stories in here, the reality is very scary. My son’s psychatrist told him when he was first diagnosed that he would only have to be on medication for 3 months. After the 3 months and another very mild episode, he told my son that he would have to be on meds for 1 year. He said that since the episodes were mild that “maybe” they wouldn’t happen again. Thankfully I have some common sense, and am thinking, IF he went into a mild episode after them lowering his meds, then him being stable for the past 4 months, that maybe, just maybe, he might NEED the meds????
I am so frustrated with our health care system! no one seems to want to take responsibility!!
Sorry, complaining here. And I somewhat agree with a past poster.. saying that David is whining a bit. I came on this site a few months ago and thought that David, you were whining a LOT, looking for praise. Then I thought, well, that is natural, giving your upbringing.. you NEED a sign that you are doing the right thing, maybe?
A professional businessman would not complain this much. Chin up, take the kicks and get on with your day. I understand that you are showing that you are human, but all of us have a load of our own troubles and really don’t want to be “lead” by someone who complains a lot of the time.
I respect you David… Keep strong!! And for that part of you that needs it, BIG hugs sent your way!
Dave,
Obviously you’re a good, humane person or you wouldn’t be in the business you are and employing people with “disorders.” Has it ever occurred to you that you’re TOO nice? By this I don’t mean weak, just too tolerant? I live with a landady who’s losing or has lost her mind–she could be walking around with an undiagnosed case of bipolar illness, for al I know. She’s slandered me to her friends and family, accused me of terrible things I haven’t done, has discriminated against me because I have ADD and bipolar illness (she doesn’t know about the bipolar II I have), and sworn and yelled at me. She tries to turn my other housemate against me, another Christian!! I consider her abusive and manipulative, not to mention downright mean. I told her I think someone must have been mean to her once, but that she’s allowed them to turn her mean. Turns out my honesty helped!
Dave, why did you let that crazy person wreak such havoc in your life? Do you enjoy suffering? Don’t be a masochist. You said you allowed the person umpteen chances. Why? Wrong is wrong. There’s such a thing as protecting yourself. No, you weren’t being stupid, just TOO nice! Don’t beat yourself up over this, please. Think instead of all the people you’ve helped.
Keep up the good work,
Melinda Phelps
Well, such behaviour as that ex-employee sounds very much like someone with a mental illness of one kind or another, or maybe more. I’m not a specialist pDoc but I would suggest this might be something like psychopathy/sociopathy because those folk are expert at setting others up for a fall while fleecing them of … well, maybe money, maybe their credibility, maybe their friends, maybe their emotional energy, etc, and their disorder does this without an iota of conscience because they are incapable of feeling empathy. There are again, it could be someone with BP in a manic/hypomanic episode. Regardless of whether or not you are aware of what you are doing in such a state, the BP relieves you of certain senses, of some kind of reasoning, of balance in reasoning and especially of the inhibitions that otherwise retrain you from doing things you might secretly wish to do but wouldn’t (otherwise) do because you’d not want to risk the consequences. Like what? Like driving a car too fast, pretending you’re a cop in a pursuit, irrespective of the passengers, like wanting to batter someone you don’t like, like stealing a lot of money … things thaty we may, even for just a fleeting moment, think “that would be great!” but hold back on because we kn ow the consequences would not be good for us or anyone else. But when you’re manic, you are less empathetic. You just want to have a good time, and you sure as Hell will if you possibly can, and get more than cross with anyone who gets in the way of doing what will be pleasurable. (Pleasurable isn’t just having a good time in the recreational sense – it might actually be doing something you want to do arund the houser, like cleaning, painting, etc., more harmless things.)
So, what happened may not be that person’s fault, they may deserve compassion and even sympathy. But hang on! THAT does not mean, as a carer or employer, you must put up with stuff like that! Maybe if it’s a loved one you think you HAVE to ut up with it, or that you want to. For an employer it’s different. They can’t have their business damaged, and not just because it might upset their “bottom-line” for their own benefits – there are also the other employees to think about! Lose your business and there’s fall out beyond your own banking relationships – your employees will lose their jobs, too. So, in David’s position, he HAS to take a dispassionate view, to divorce himself from the person and the BP. In short, sack them. After the event, he could choose, or not, to help that person from a safe distance! But not in an environment where they can cause harm to him or the people who rely on him.
So, for what it’s worth – which is probably not at a lot! – I’d stand square behind you with this, David. It is, as I have said many times before, one of those occasions when you have to put aside feelings of compassion and save yourself, and never mind the person with BP. You have to be as kind and considerate to yourself no less than you would be to someone else. Cos you can so easily let them lead you to the deep waters where you might drown … and ironically, they may not!
rahn, I think your analysis is misplaced. Let me tell you why.
If you tell someone with a mental illness, or even a a mild depression, they are wrong to accept their illness, THEY will think you are telling them they are inadequate for not being able to help themselves, and even to think that having the illness is somehow their fault; so, you drive them deeper and assist them destroy their self image and confidence. And that can lead to suicide.
People who are ill – with anything, not just BP – must feel it is ok to be ill or they start to feel being ill is their fault. It isn’t their fault. (Well, not usually! Lung cancer might eb an exception if you smoked 40 a day!)
Yeah, you may think that logic is flawed, and maybe it is, but THIS is the reality of how people in a mental illness generally think, and you ain’t going to persuade them otherwise! You have to work around that. How? By encouraging them to see their doc and take their medication and by encouraging them to do other things that may help them, like taking exercise and going to bed early to get a good nghts sleep, eating healthy food, etc.. You encourage not tell, even covertly (like “… we’re going for a walk …”) You don’t tell. If you were selling a car you would not tell your customer “you will buy this car” because, however much they may like the car or think it’s right for their needs, they will resent your telling them to buy it and they will walk away from the deal. They will walk away inspite of their interest being best served by buying the car. Ditto someone with BP (or any illness.) You have to PERSUADE them, not tell them, because if you try to tell, they will – esp,. if they are in manic-mode – resist you EVEN if they know what you say makes sense!!! (Try being dogmatic to someone in a manic state and you may be in for a surprise reaction that you won’t like – don’t go there! More than one poor soul has lost his life to a cop by refusing to “drop the sword get on the ground” because, in their manic state, they think the cop is being unreasonable and threatening. So they stand their ground and hang on to the sword in case the cop attacks them! They are thinking, “Who the f### is HE to tell me what to do when I’m not doing anything wrong?! Why if I give in he’s going to hurt me! Sure as eggs are eggs, I ain’t going on the ground or drop the sword because I’ve got to protect myself …” Bang! Life over. THAT is exactly where telling, rather than persuading, can go in the extreme.)
Persuading: THAT isn’t a special BP supporter technique, that’s an everyday “persuasion skills” reality. Oka, there may be times when you have to “lay down the Law”, like getting a doctor to forcibly have them hospitalised because they become a danger to themselves and possibly to others as well. But this scenario is probably a rare exception to the general rule.
So, if you want your loved one to follow a healthy, and what you know is a sensible, course is what you must do. If it doesn’t work, you must face up to the fact that it isn’t necessarily because they don’t/won’t see the good reason – may be because it’s YOU that’s trying to reason with you. Going back to that car sales scenario – you know verty well that some people turn you off and other turn you on. (Hey, that’s the same with Sex! Right?) Some folk will NEVER persuade you, let alone tell you, to buy that fabulous car you want because you don’t trust them or you don’t like how they talk to you, or maybe their fermones ain’t right on the day – loads more reasons than them. But someone else will persuade you because you feel comfortable with them, you trust them, they are attractive to you, etc etc. Where is this going?
Sometimes you have to step back and say, “AM I THE RIGHT ONE TO SUPPORT THIS PERSON?” Just because you love them doesn’t mean you are the right person! (Indeed, loving someone can be, in some cases, be the WRONG thing! You know how it is – love and hate are opposite sides of the coin. If someone loves you when they are in one mood, there’s a good chance they may hate you when they are in another because the coin has flipped over.)
Sometimes loving someone means walking away from them, letting someone else do the job, or letting someone else to find them and do the job.
Leah,
RUN!! You are not deep into this yet. You need hair on your teeth with bipolar people at the best of times (I am bipolar myself, so I know) and if this guy has alreay stolen from you it is bound to get a LOT worse before it gets better.
Hello Dave:
Thank you for exploring the bi polar world. I am not bipolar but am married to and live with a man who is. I am creative, intelligent, competent, able to be independent but am also a synergizer. Sometimes the loneliness that rises for me as a partner of someone with bi polar conditions is immense as he disappears or changes into a character I do not know. This is what is currently happening in our relationship again and it is very sad and hard to cope with. My husband claims to love me beyond all else but it is hard to feel that congruently when he behaves in contrary ways withholding communication and intimacy for extremely long periods of time as he leads his ‘other life’ indulging in himself . Sleeping or working 15 our days/nights leave little time for relationship. Bottom lines are being crossed more and more – or my eyes are just opening to realizing that he cannot be who he once seemed to be. – at least right now. He says that he is ‘working on it’ or ‘doing his very best’ and turns to behaviors that do not allow anyone in. I want to thank you for reminding me about the poem ….If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs….
I have been an enthusiastic, joyful, discerning, passionately loving, steadfast, creative and supportive spouse/partner for over 16 years. We have a family based business that suffers when bi polar swings occur. Although typically having extreme compassion and patience, I sometimes hit the wall and run out of patience and energy – especially when behaviors are not logical, actions are not congruent with words and communication is blocked. In the good times we are very close and open. As I age this I find that I am having less interest in being in this role which has had less and less rewards these past few years. Sometimes it is hard to have the Hope needed to function well.
I need my cup filled too. Our situation is further complicated by my 19 year old step son’s condition of having MD . It is so hard seeing him loose his abilities to do even the smallest things. He does not live with us and the ongoing calls and needs of the mother /X wife for help with the son are understandibly great at this stage. In my head I hear: “And what about me?” as my natural relationship needs are not met and core values are compromised.
What I do and turn to is using a self-help technique called Emotional Freedom Techniques ( EFT) It is a powerful resource that works in concert with other program to further enhance them too. For more information go to http://www.emofree.com/a/?1701. Although not targeted at bipolar, you will find videos and a free newsletter as well as a basic EFT manual. Once learned EFT can be adapted to any situation. I am also an EFT instructor/coach offering live seminars, phone consultations and private sessions both in person and by phone. I have been wondering about how we could expose more people to this mind/body saving program. When could we talk by phone to explore the possibility of offering an introductory tele-class for your list?
EFT is a drugfree an energy management protocol that works with the mind/body energy system to bring inner peace and harmony to otherwise stressful situations. EFT is the fastest growing self-help model on the planet – being widely used by therapists, athletes, business people, children, clergy, healers and the average people. EFT brings 85% 95% and even 100% success rate even when used by rank beginners. It can be used for dailoy stresses immediately, post traumatic stress, trauma relief, to stop smoking, stop overeating or to improve your golf game! The key here is WHEN USED.
It seems like this past few weeks has been rampant with many people finding out about betrayals. I am struggling with denial that my husband seems to have and display most of the symptoms of BP . In so many ways he is an awesome good person. I would love to have him back. When he is willing to use EFT he can get through the stages – release, relax and re-energize with more ease and speed.
meg_h,
I love your style!
Hair on the teeth – I love that line! Must try to remember it! It’s not copyright, is it?!
I can´t believe the person would actually say that you are discriminating someone with a disorder! Duuuuu… supporting and trying to help these people is what you are all about, or have I been totally misunderstanding everything you stand for all this time? Ha. I wouldn’t loose sleep on this but what I would do is to pray for the Lord to work on your behalf, which is exactly what I will be doing for you as I think you have more than proven that you did all you can to help this person. and what do I do to keep my cool when everyone else is loosing theirs? I pray, as you said, and I ask the Lord to intervene and He does.
Hang in there and don’t worry.
take care,
Linda
(my new keyboard is acting up so sorry for the mistakes -it doesn’t always capitalize when I want it to – must just be something stupid I don’t know about.)
when things are horrendous, I pray and sing to myself. relaxation techniques have helped……..escpecially breathing. sometimes i scream in a pillow, but this usually hurts my throat…aaaaaah! nevertheless, all struggles will make you stronger.
Dave,
I know this is a slow response, as I don’t follow your column every time it comes out. I’ve been diagnosed bipolar and treated since 1986. I owned my own business at the time. In the following years, I’ve had two experiences with employers who knew of my condition. One treated me well and handled my event professionally, the other was a smaller business and treated the situation horribly.
Unfortunately that event happened first. I was terminated, then requested to come in to help transition my duties to three other staff. After completing the training, my annual bonus for the previous year was denied, and I was given a letter from his attorney stating that people at the workplace were “afraid” of me. I didn’t mind having to leave after the treatment I received. I did hire an employment attorney to receive payout of the substantial bonus that was due.
In the second instance, the company treated me well. HR people assisted me in utilizing the FMLA to assist in my recovery. What an enlightened company to have worked for.
I’ve currently been working for a Health Plan provider and am wondering when to inform HR of my condition, how long I’ve been treated and contact information, etc. I’ve had no episodes for over 10 years and want to be upfront with them. Any positive thoughts?