Hi,<\/p>\n
I was recently reading an online article by Faith Deeter of \u201cYourTango,\u201d who was writing about how sometimes people bring up their painful past in their present. This can be applied to your loved one with bipolar disorder as well, and may explain why they do some of the things that they do.<\/p>\n
She says: \u201cWhen a person brings up the past, there is often something they want or need in the present. It\u2019s evidence of what they need right now. It\u2019s a here-and-now problem, not a past problem. That is why apologizing doesn\u2019t work. Regardless of what happened before, the person bringing up the past is feeling something similar now. They may feel hurt, unloved, insecure, misunderstood, or distrustful right now just like they felt before. They are trying to communicate to you what they need right now. Most likely, what they need is for you to understand how they feel in the present or what they need to change.\u201d<\/p>\n
I like how she says that what was a past problem is now a here-and-now problem. Because that\u2019s how it can seem to your loved one. Like the feelings that Deeter describes as well \u2013 they are just as real in the present for your loved one as they were in the past. But it is also an indication that they never learned to deal with whatever it was that made them feel those feelings in the first place. Although Deeter says,\u201d what they need is for you to understand how they feel in the present or what they need to change,\u201d that isn\u2019t always easy to do, as she illustrates by what she goes on to say:<\/p>\n
\u201cUnfortunately, many people do not communicate their needs directly. Some people may not even know what they need. Instead, many people express their needs in the form of complaints. \u201cI need more attention\u201d may come out as, \u201cYou never spend time with me,\u201d which would naturally cause you to feel defensive. But defending yourself won\u2019t work because the issue isn\u2019t really about you.\u201d<\/p>\n
In other words, like Deeter says, your loved one may say to you: \u201cYou don\u2019t care about me \u2026\u201d When what they really mean is: \u201cI need more attention.\u201d They just can\u2019t tell you that. And where that really comes from is a painful place in their past that they\u2019re bringing into their present with you. And the thing is, they are probably not even aware of it! It is probably just an unconscious thing. All they know is how they are feeling now.<\/p>\n
For instance, in the above example, they were probably feeling as if no one cared about them, because they were feeling bad about themselves, or just feeling depressed. Especially if they were in a bipolar depressive episode.<\/p>\n
And if you get defensive and say: \u201cI do so care about you \u2026\u201d You can expect an answer somewhere along the lines of: \u201cOh no you don\u2019t. Last Sunday\u2026and before that\u2026\u201d And your loved one will list several examples of when they feel you did not show them that you cared about them \u2013 probably situations in which you never even noticed that you weren\u2019t paying them enough attention at all, situations you don\u2019t even remember.<\/p>\n
So you can see how getting on the defensive won\u2019t help you in this situation. The only thing that will help you is to deal with your loved one\u2019s actual feelings, as that is what they are acting on in the present. What you need to do is acknowledge and validate their feelings. You need to do this whether you remember the situation or not, and whether you feel you were right or wrong in the situation if you do remember it (because the fact is that your loved one believes they were wronged by you).<\/p>\n
So you could say something like: \u201cYou\u2019re right. I know I should have spent more time with you<\/p>\n
and showed you that I care\u2026\u201d The more specific you can be, the better. Also say something like: \u201cI know that I made you feel as if I was ignoring you or that I didn\u2019t care, and for that I am sorry.\u201d This validates their feelings. It tells them that they have a right to feel what they\u2019re feeling. Like I said, even if you don\u2019t feel that you were wrong.<\/p>\n
Now you need to know what they want you to do differently now. The problem is, they may not know what that is, so this may be difficult. But they wouldn\u2019t have brought it up if they didn\u2019t want you to do something different. So you can ask them something like: \u201cHow can I stop this from happening again?\u201d Or you can at least say something like: \u201cI\u2019ll try harder to not let something like that happen in the future.\u201d Once you know what they need, act on it as soon as you can. For example, if they have said: \u201cYou only care about your job\u2026\u201d Which you translated as \u201cYou don\u2019t care about me,\u201d Or, \u201cYou don\u2019t pay enough attention to me,\u201d Make sure that you say something like: \u201cLet\u2019s do something fun together right now.\u201d<\/p>\n
Well, I have to go!<\/p>\n
Your Friend,<\/p>\n
Dave<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Hi,<\/p>\n
I was recently reading an online article by Faith Deeter of \u201cYourTango,\u201d who was writing about how sometimes people bring up their painful past in their present. This can be applied to your loved one with bipolar disorder as well, and may explain why they do some of the things that they do.<\/p>\n
She says: \u201cWhen a person brings up the past, there is often something they want or need in the present.<\/p>\n