Hi,<\/p>\n
Today I wanted to write you about something really, really important. Something you may be doing that you may not even be aware of. Ok, ok, enough of the secrecy. I\u2019m talking about enabling. It\u2019s when you do things for your loved one that they can do for themselves. And you think you\u2019re helping them, but in reality, you\u2019re really making things worse for them, as well as for yourself.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s real easy for this to happen when you\u2019re a supporter of a loved one who has bipolar disorder.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m not saying this makes you a bad person or anything \u2013 in fact, it says just the opposite \u2013 just<\/p>\n
that you may be trying too hard.<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s an example of an enabler: Say, the father of a drug addict, and his son keeps getting thrown in jail, and the father just keeps bailing him out of jail. This pattern keeps repeating<\/p>\n
and keeps repeating. So the son learns that every time he gets arrested, he can call his father, and his father will bail him out of jail. The father is enabling his son to continue the pattern.<\/p>\n
But what would happen if just one time, the father wouldn\u2019t bail his son out of jail? What if he told his son that from now on, he wouldn\u2019t bail him out of jail, but hoped he would stay out of trouble, but that if he didn\u2019t, here was the name of a bail bondsman?<\/p>\n
See what I mean?<\/p>\n
In your case, think of some patterns that keep on repeating themselves. Things that, during episodes, you keep \u201cbailing\u201d your loved one out of. Maybe the \u201clying\u201d (distortions of the truth) you keep experiencing with your loved one. Or the financial repercussions that you are left with in the wake of after one of their episodes.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve talked about the definition of insanity before: Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. If you keep repeating the same behavior, then you are enabling your loved one. And you are not helping either one of you. Enabling is \u201cbailing them out.\u201d Rescuing them. Not<\/p>\n
making them take responsibility for their behavior. Covering up for them. It\u2019s anything you do that \u201cenables\u201d them to keep repeating their same old behavior.<\/p>\n
See, the thing is, you can\u2019t change them. You can\u2019t change their behavior. You can\u2019t make their choices for them. (No matter how much you would like to.) The only one you can do anything about is yourself. You can only change yourself. You have got to stop enabling your loved one. But boy, is it going to be hard.<\/p>\n
Any habit that has been going on for any length of time is going to be hard to quit. But in this case, because your loved one has become used to you being there in a certain way, they are not going to take it well when you stop being there in that certain way.<\/p>\n
For example, if they come to you for money after an episode, and in the past you\u2019ve always given it to them, even though they\u2019ve misspent it during that episode \u2013 they are going to expect you to give them money now. Well, what would happen if you don\u2019t give them money this time? They are not going to be happy about it if you don\u2019t give them money this time, even if you try to explain why you aren\u2019t giving it to them \u2013 that during their episode, they squandered the family\u2019s money, and it just isn\u2019t there to give to them this time. What if you tell them that they need to take responsibility for the money they wasted during their episode?<\/p>\n
Are they going to be mad? Probably so. Are they going to understand? Probably not. Is it going to take a few times to make this a permanent change? Definitely so. Things didn\u2019t get this way overnight and will not become a permanent change overnight either.<\/p>\n
The hard part for you is going to be not caving in. It would be so easy for you to just go back to the way things were before \u2013 to continue enabling your loved one. I told you this wouldn\u2019t be easy. But if you really want permanent change here, you are going to have to stick to your guns. This will eventually work if you stick to your guns.<\/p>\n
Your loved one will eventually learn that they can\u2019t come to you for money (or whatever you\u2019ve been enabling them), and that they will have to take responsibility for their actions and decisions and poor choices. Then eventually, they will not overspend when they go into the episode, because they will learn that if they do, there won\u2019t be money for them when they come out of the<\/p>\n
episode.<\/p>\n
The only way to change the end of the movie is to change the plot of the movie. You are the director, and you have control over this. Take control, and stop enabling your loved one \u2013 I know<\/p>\n
it will be hard, but I know you can do it, because I have heard from hundreds of people who have gotten my courses and have learned to do it, and I know it can be done!<\/p>\n
Well, I have to go!<\/p>\n
Your Friend,<\/p>\n
Dave<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Hi,<\/p>\n
Today I wanted to write you about something really, really important. Something you may be doing that you may not even be aware of. Ok, ok, enough of the secrecy. I\u2019m talking about enabling. It\u2019s when you do things for your loved one that they can do for themselves. And you think you\u2019re helping them, but in reality, you\u2019re really making things worse for them, as well as for yourself.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s real easy for this to happen when you\u2019re a supporter of a loved one who has bipolar disorder.<\/p>\n