Hi, how\u2019s it going? Hope you are doing well.<\/p>\n
I had a talk with a woman the other day. We were at an event, and she pulled me aside and asked if I knew about bipolar disorder. I chuckled a little, and said yes. So she proceeded to tell me about her brother-figure who has the disorder, and who is causing her a lot of problems.<\/p>\n
She claimed he was compliant with his medications, but from the way she described his actions, I think he may not have been on the right medications for him. She told me how he would have outbursts of anger towards her, and treat her like she was a scapegoat. And she told me how his life actions were not making sense, and how he still behaved in ways that weren\u2019t what they should have been.<\/p>\n
Then she told me something interesting. She said that all she wanted to do was help, but that he was taking so much out of her when she tried to help that she felt like she needed to break all contact with him.<\/p>\n
Does this sound familiar to any of you? Based off that, I immediately knew two things about this relationship. I knew she was enabling him. And I knew that she didn\u2019t have the personal boundaries set up that she needed to have.<\/p>\n
In case you didn\u2019t already know, there is a big difference between helping someone and enabling them. When you help someone, you do things that are limited. These are things that might be inconvenient for them to do themselves, but that aren\u2019t necessary for them to develop coping skills or other skills and values.<\/p>\n
These are also things that don\u2019t take away from you taking care of yourself. A slight inconvenience on your part isn\u2019t a big deal, every once in a while. But if it starts draining you of your energy, then you know you\u2019ve taken it too far.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s like driving down a street looking for a house, and the person you are going to meet has told you that if you come to Robinson Street, you have gone too far. Well, you are driving through your relationship with them, so to speak, looking for a good balance. If you reach the point of exasperation, then you have gone too far. Turn the beepers on, it\u2019s time to back up. LOL.<\/p>\n
Enabling looks entirely different. When you enable them, you do things for them that they should have done for themselves. These are things that they needed to do to teach them valuable lessons and skills, and unknowingly you have taken that away from them in your desire to help. In the long run, enabling doesn\u2019t help either of you.<\/p>\n
So what does helping or enabling really look like? Well, in everyday life, helping would be noticing that the grocery store is hiring and telling your friend who is job hunting. Enabling would be picking up the application and filling it out for them. Believe it or not, I\u2019ve known people to do this!<\/p>\n
In the world of a bipolar supporter, helping might look like finding them a psychiatrist to go to. Enabling might look like setting up the appointment and going with them, if this is something they are capable of doing on their own.<\/p>\n
Now that brings up an interesting point. If they are the sort that they are not capable of doing that on their own, then helping them out with it would be okay. Enabling will look a little different in every situation.<\/p>\n
Enabling might look like reminding them to take their medications if they often forget, but helping would look more like helping them set up an alarm system that they can use to remind themselves. Once again, this depends on the situation.<\/p>\n
It also depends on how much the supporter would have to go out of their way to do it. If you ever \u201chave\u201d to do something that makes you uncomfortable or drains you of your energy to deal with your own life, then don\u2019t do it! Chances are, this is something that they need to learn how to do themselves, anyway. And if it is simply beyond their means, then try referring them to someone else who is more equipped to help them, instead of helping them yourself.<\/p>\n
What are your thoughts on this?<\/p>\n
Well, I have to go!<\/p>\n
Your Friend,<\/p>\n
Dave<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Hi, how\u2019s it going? Hope you are doing well.<\/p>\n
I had a talk with a woman the other day. We were at an event, and she pulled me aside and asked if I knew about bipolar disorder. I chuckled a little, and said yes. So she proceeded to tell me about her brother-figure who has the disorder, and who is causing her a lot of problems.<\/p>\n
She claimed he was compliant with his medications,<\/p>\n