Bipolar Supporter Blog

Hi,

What’s new? Hope you are doing well.

To read this week’s news visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews573/

Here are the news headlines:

Mia Tina’s Chocolate Raises Mental Disease Awareness
DO> Great story, take a look.

Mindfulness Therapy Improves Bipolar Disorder Symptoms
DO> No question it does, what do you think?

Rapid-Cycling Bipolar or Just Moody?
DO> This is a great question take a look

Family Secrets: What My Son’s Diagnosis Revealed About Our Past
DO> Hmm. How do YOU feel about this?

Families Face Revolving Door in Getting Help for Mentally Ill
DO> So true and so sad, don’t you think?

For these stories and more, please visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews573/

Check out all my resources, programs and information for all aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentralcatalog.com

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

I got an email recently that pretty much is about a topic that I get asked about more often than you might imagine, so I thought maybe you might be wondering about the same thing. So here it is:

“Dave, I’m worried about my husband, and I’m hoping you can answer something for me, because I don’t know where else to turn. My husband has bipolar disorder, and he’s had it for all the time we’ve been married, so that isn’t the problem – I knew about it before we got married, and married him anyway. He’s a good man, in spite of what he does when he goes into his bipolar episodes. I hate what his bipolar makes him do, but I don’t blame him for it. I mean, he’s had affairs in episodes before, but only a couple times, and I forgave him for it, because he wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t for the bipolar disorder. I know that he loves me, he’s just sick. But that’s the problem. I thought he would get better over the years, but he seems to be getting worse. He’s going into more episodes each year, and they’re lasting longer each time. And the episodes themselves seem deeper, at least his depressions seem worse each time, like

he seems sadder than the time before, and he stays sadder longer. I don’t know what to do to help him. But here’s my question. Can bipolar disorder get worse over time instead of better?”

——————————————————————————————————————

Wow. This supporter sounds really concerned about her husband. But, believe it or not, I’ve heard her story before from other supporters. Yes, you would think that with time, her husband

should get better instead of worse. However, there are some researchers who believe that bipolar disorder does get worse over time. And untreated bipolar disorder definitely gets worse over time.

The first thing I would tell this woman would be that her husband’s medication needs to be

looked at. It seems like something isn’t working there. It could be that some of his medication just needs to be changed, or at least the dosages need to be changed. I would also look at his treatment plan.

Then I would ask: Is he seeing a psychiatrist? If so, how often? Are they regulating his medications? When was the last time his medications were changed? Is he seeing a therapist? On a regular basis? A therapist would help him look at some of his bipolar behaviors and help him to change them. They would work together on some of the issues surrounding his bipolar disorder. It sounds like he might still have some unresolved issues going on. It also seems that maybe her husband is still holding some things in that he isn’t talking to her about. So I think there needs to be some work done on their communication.

So it could be not just that his bipolar disorder is getting worse, but these issues that surround

his bipolar disorder that need attention. For example, if he is holding in negative feelings, and not talking to his wife or his therapist about them, they will build up inside him and eventually come out and “blow up” possibly into a bipolar episode.

Also, other things need to be looked at. For example, what are his sleep habits like? Is he sticking to a regular sleep schedule? Loss of sleep can be a trigger to a manic episode, for example, which can then make him crash into a later depression. Any one of these things can be making his bipolar disorder worse.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

Did you ever notice that, given the same circumstances, two people can turn out totally differently? Like…Well, you’ve heard of cases where two people both raised in the ghetto of a city…Where one will turn to drugs and gangs…The other will rise above it and become a doctor? I wonder what makes the difference? Some people say it’s strength of character. I’m not sure. I do know that will has something to do with it, though. Meaning how much you WANT it. In other words, how bad you want something can determine whether you get it, at least to some degree. Like with bipolar disorder. I mean, you can want stability as bad as you want it, but without medication, it’s just not going to happen. But with medication…I think if you want it bad enough…Stability CAN happen for you.

So…two people faced with the same circumstances can have two different outcomes. I see this in the bipolar support groups I attend (I attend several). There are those people who are getting better, but then there are those people who don’t seem to be getting better at all. So what’s the difference? Both people can be on medication. Both people can even be in therapy. I think it’s that the person who isn’t getting better isn’t trying as hard as the person who is getting better.

There are things like medication and therapy that come as part of your loved one’s treatment regimen. That’s a given. Then there are things that you do for them as a bipolar supporter.

Like, for example: You try to provide a stress-free home environment for them (assuming they live with you). And…You try to be a good listener for them to be able to share their thoughts and feelings with you. You keep the lines of communication open for them so that things don’t build up. That’s something you do for them.

But then there are things they need to do for themselves that go toward their own stability with their bipolar disorder. Things that you can’t do for them. Like…They need to be productive and busy. They need to have a reason to get out of bed each morning, or else they run the risk of getting depressed, which can easily lead to a bipolar depressive episode if they’re not careful. This can mean working at a job if they’re able…Even if it’s only part-time. Or doing volunteer work…Or even just doing things around the house. But they need to stay busy. They need to have a source of self-esteem.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

Have you ever heard the expression: “They were born with a silver spoon in their mouth.” I’m not saying it’s a very nice expression, but it means that someone was born into wealth…Or that they haven’t had to work for what they’ve gotten in life…Or that things have come very easy to them. It’s usually said by someone who is jealous of the person, that’s why it’s not a very nice expression. But there is a little bit of truth to it. There are some people who are wealthy…Who don’t have to work very hard to get what they want in life. Then there are others who are the opposite. They have to work very hard to get what they want in life. It really should be that it doesn’t matter whether you have money or not… It should be that your character itself is what gets you ahead in this world. Character should determine whether you succeed or fail…NOT money.

So like with bipolar disorder. Money definitely does NOT determine whether you succeed or fail with the disorder, that’s for sure! You can have all the money in the world and still fail at bipolar disorder. Or the recovery from it, I mean. What I’m saying is that bipolar disorder is no

discriminator of people. It hits both the wealthy and the poor. It doesn’t care whether you’ve got money or not. So you can have two people, one who’s wealthy and one who’s poor…And their money won’t determine which one recovers and which one doesn’t…Depending on which one WANTS to recover the most! I think that can really be the determining factor, if you ask me.

Because there are certain things that your loved one can do to help them get stability with their bipolar disorder. You know…Like to get stability, they must take their medication every day…

And see their doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist when they’re supposed to. Then, once they get stability, there are certain things they can (and must) do to maintain their stability with their bipolar disorder.

Like…Of course, they need to keep doing what it took to get stable to begin with, that’s a given.

But they also need to do other things, like:

• Have a good, strong support system (that includes their medical and mental health professionals, but also friends and family members, coworkers if they work, community

members, neighbors, pharmacist, clergy person, etc.).

• Attend (and be involved with) a bipolar support group.

• Be well-groomed and care about themselves and their appearance and general well-being.

• Have a general routine that they stick to every day.

• Have a reason to get out of bed every morning; i.e., have goals, both long-term and short-term that they want to meet.

• Be productive and have things they want to accomplish (a To-Do List is good for this).

• Work a job (usually part-time, or have a home business).

• Have hobbies and do things they enjoy.

• Exercise (at least 3 times a week).

• Eat a nutritious well-balanced diet.

• Stick to a good sleep schedule.

They need to be well-grounded and well-balanced, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as well.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

Let me ask you something: Do you like to read? Especially…Do you like to read mysteries? Well…This question would work for romances, too, I guess. So I’ll go ahead and ask it: Are you guilty of this? Do you skip ahead to the ending of the book to see what happens? AHA!

Well…If you do, you’re not alone. Many other people do as well. I don’t, but just because I like to keep guessing at how the story will turn out. But some people want to know. They don’t like to guess.

Like with bipolar disorder…It’s hard for some supporters trying to deal with the day in and day out of coping with a loved one with bipolar disorder when they don’t know how the “story” is going to turn out. Oh, of course, they want a happy ending to their story, everyone does. But sometimes it’s hard to see that, what with the daily discouragements that sometimes come with

the disorder. Sometimes your loved one can be going along fine…Even for a long period of time…And you even can become complacent…You start taking their recovery for granted…

Then…BOOM! They’re in another bipolar episode that seems to have come out of nowhere!

And you wonder how that could have possibly happened. That’s why I say that you always have to stay vigilant, you can never take things for granted. You always have to be on the lookout for signs and symptoms of a bipolar episode. I even know of a case where a woman was stable

for 12 years but then had another bipolar episode! 12 YEARS! Talk about coming out of nowhere! It definitely took both her and her husband by surprise. Especially because they had stopped being vigilant – they had long stopped watching for signs and symptoms of a bipolar episode. They had taken her stability for granted. They had even thought that she would never have another bipolar episode. But that’s dangerous thinking.

You must always be on the lookout for the next episode. You must always be prepared. But at the same time…You must never lose hope. You must always hope that your loved one will get better. Yes, there will be good days and bad days. But look…You don’t have bipolar disorder…

And you have good days and bad days. And just because you have bad days…Or even get depressed here and there…Doesn’t mean that you’re having a bipolar depressive episode, does it? So your loved one can, too. You can be prepared while still believing for a happy ending for both you and your loved one. Their bipolar disorder CAN be managed!

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

What’s new? Hope you are doing well.

To read this week’s news visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews572/

Here are the news headlines:

Immunologists Rule Out Virus’ Role In Mental Illness
DO> Very interesting, take a look

Mentally Ill Get Punishment Instead Of Treatment – Jeff Gerritt, DFP Columnist
DO> Do you agree with this?

Race and mental illness: Do African Americans Suffer More
DO> What do you think about this?

Do Intellectual Pursuits Predict Specific Brain Disorders?
DO> WOW, another very interesting article

Mild Winter Helps Those Battling Winter Blues
DO> Absolutely, great article, check it out.

For these stories and more, please visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews572/

Check out all my resources, programs and information for all aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentralcatalog.com

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

Have you ever seen a horse race? They send out “Sparky,” and the horses all follow it, in a straight line, right to the finish line, hoping to be the first one there. If a horse were to change direction in the middle of the race, why, obviously, they would lose the race. There’s a common adage that a horse can’t change direction in the middle of a stream. But I’m here to tell you today that I believe that sometimes it’s necessary for you to. I think that sometimes you can and should change directions in the middle of the stream when you’re coping and dealing with a loved one with bipolar disorder. Why? Because what if what you’re doing isn’t working? And what if you’re really, really frustrated because of it? What if your loved one isn’t getting any better? What if your relationship with them is suffering because of it? What if you’re even questioning if you’re a good supporter? What if it’s even making you sick because of it?

These are all things you need to take into consideration when wondering if what you’re doing is working or not.

There is a saying that: “If nothing changes, nothing changes.” In other words…If what you’re doing doesn’t change anything…Then what you’re doing isn’t effective. So you need to change directions. You need to try something different.

For example: CASE STUDY:

Betty’s husband Jim had bipolar disorder. He had a problem with going into bipolar depressive

episodes. When he would go into one, he would go onto the couch for weeks at a time, and no

matter what Betty did, he would not get off the couch. This would make her really mad. So mad

that she would yell at him. Which would just make him even more depressed. Feeling sorry for himself, he would stay on the couch even longer. One day, Betty didn’t yell at Jim. Instead, she told him, “Jim, I feel bad for you that you’re so depressed. I hate that you spend so much time on the couch doing nothing. It makes me feel so helpless. I feel like a terrible supporter. I wish there was something I could do to help you.” And she cried. When Jim saw Betty crying, he felt bad for her (worse than he felt for himself), and he started talking to her, like he never had before. The lines of communication were opened again, and they started talking about what they could do together to fight Jim’s bipolar depressions.

———————————————————————————————————————

What was the difference? Betty changed directions. She stopped yelling at Jim and instead she talked to him and told him how she felt. What she had been doing wasn’t working, so she

tried something different. And it worked! Jim felt bad for her, and he opened up. And the lines of communication opened up, and together they worked out a plan to fight his bipolar depressions. The point was that because what she had been doing (yelling at him) wasn’t working, so she tried something different (talking to him). Maybe that’s what you should do.

Ask yourself the questions I pointed out at the beginning of this email. If what you’re doing isn’t effective, consider changing direction and trying something different with your loved one like Betty did.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

I got this email the other day that I’d like to share with you, as it really concerned me:

“I so often feel like my husband’s mother instead of his wife. I know I’m being manipulated by him, because if I don’t do the things he should be doing for himself he simply doesn’t do them

then blames me. He’s not on medication, has only ever seen a psychiatrist once – didn’t go back

because he didn’t like what he was told, so now resists any suggestion of going again, which is

frustrating. I’m now wondering whether all the years of support I’ve given him have been a waste. I’m on the point of leaving him because I am just so very tired of his games, and it’s time he had to face up to his responsibilities. I worry but think this is the only way to either get him to face reality, or if that fails, for me to get a life without the constant anger, abuse and manipulation. I know he loves me, and I think I still love him, but it’s just not enough anymore, and our relationship is becoming toxic for me.”

———————————————————————————————————————

There are so many points that this woman brings up in her email. Many are points that other supporters deal with themselves. For one thing, she says: “I know I’m being manipulated by him, because if I don’t do the things he should be doing for himself he simply doesn’t do them then blames me.” I have had supporters complain to me that their loved ones try to manipulate them as well. But when you do things for your loved one that they should be doing for themselves, that’s called enabling, and it’s something that you really shouldn’t do, because it doesn’t help your loved one get any better. They should be trying to get as independent as they

can be, and you should be trying to help them get that way. And if they’re not, they could be manipulating you, like this woman’s husband is. If so, you need to put a stop to it.

One of the biggest problems is probably what this woman stated right out in her email: That her husband is NOT on medication. We know that although there is no cure for bipolar disorder, the best hope for your loved one to get better is for them to be on medication for their disorder. But the only way this will work is if they are compliant – willing to take that medication every day.

And this woman says her husband isn’t doing that. So, obviously, that is going to lead to some pretty big problems, which she goes on to talk about. In fact, she says that she wonders if all her years of supporting him have been a waste. You can get to feeling that way when your loved one doesn’t seem to respond to your efforts. But one thing you always have to remember is something I continually tell you: Don’t take it personally! You are a good supporter! If your loved one doesn’t seem to be responding to your best efforts as a bipolar supporter, it isn’t your fault. It could be because of them, or because of their bipolar disorder itself. Some people just take longer to respond than others. You can only do so much, remember that. Your best is always good enough.

I worry when this woman says in her email: “I’m on the point of leaving him because I am just

so very tired of his games, and it’s time he had to face up to his responsibilities. I worry but think

this is the only way to either get him to face reality, or if that fails, for me to get a life without the constant anger, abuse and manipulation.” Although I can understand her frustration. Sometimes it does get to the point where you wonder if your loved one will ever get any better, or if this is the best it will ever get. You wonder if this is the way things will always be, and you’re not happy about it. I always encourage supporters not to give up on their loved ones, not to give up hope. But this woman says in the end that this is becoming toxic for her. If things are becoming toxic for you, or becoming unsafe, making you sick, etc., you may have to consider leaving the situation, at least temporarily as well. Either way, it is a very tough decision, and I urge you to think about it very, very carefully. Maybe even talk to a professional about it?

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

Do you remember the Sixties? (That’s the 1960’s.) I mean, like the Hippies, and all the hoopla

about “being yourself,” doing what you wanted to do, doing it “if it feels good,” and all that? Well, there was a real big emphasis back then on individuality. Now, I know this may be a controversial subject, but…I think everyone has a right to their own individuality. I mean, I know it’s important to fit in and all, I’m not saying that. In fact, I’m one of the greatest speakers against stigma against the mentally ill, like people with bipolar disorder and all, and how they should be able to fit into society and not be treated any differently than someone who doesn’t have a mental illness.

But what I’m talking about is individuality, and how we need to respect each other’s right to be an individual. See, we all have different roles that we take on, different roles that we play in life, according to our responsibilities. So you might be a husband or wife, father or mother, son or daughter, brother or sister, nephew or niece, etc. And these are all different roles. In addition, you might also have a role as a student…Or in whatever career you have chosen…Or whatever talent you have (writer, artist, musician, actor, etc.). These are roles, too. And then you have your role as a supporter to a loved one with bipolar disorder. And that’s a REAL important role that you have. Your loved one depends on you in that role. And you do have responsibilities in that role, too.

You try to take care of your loved one the best that you can, don’t you? You try to be the very best bipolar supporter that you can be. That’s only natural. And that’s a good thing, I’m commending you for that, because I know it isn’t easy, believe me! I’ve been there, so I can relate! It’s a difficult role to play at best. But you do it, because it IS a role that you’ve taken on.

As one of my friends says: “It is what it is.” And most of the time you probably don’t mind it…

But maybe some of the time you’re like some of the supporters I’ve heard from who feel like

their individuality is getting swallowed up in their role as bipolar supporter. And this bothers them. Well, if you feel this way, too, you may be wondering what you can do about it. For one thing, you need to fight against it. As in, not letting the bipolar disorder win and you lose. And yes, it is like a battle or a war. And bipolar disorder is like your enemy (and NOT your loved one, as you may sometimes feel). You need to fight for control over the bipolar disorder. And, in this case, you need to fight to take your individuality back.

So one of the best things you can do is to maintain an identity separate from your role as a supporter to your loved one. Make sure you do things outside the home that you enjoy, like going out to eat with family and friends, or even going shopping by yourself. As long as it is something that makes you feel good, and something that brings you self-esteem in your identity as an individual. Hobbies can be good for that, too. Again, as something that you enjoy and makes you feel good.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

What’s new? Hope you are doing well.

To read this week’s news visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews571/

Here are the news headlines:

Family’s Mental Disorders May Shape Your Interests
DO> Wow, what do you think of this?

Beating the January Blues
DO> It’s not January but still good information 🙂

Bill-Paying Program Helps Mentally Ill Avoid Becoming Homeless
DO> This is great, don’t you think?

Horgan & Saling Join Fight to Help 20.9 Million Suffering From Mood Disorders
DO> I bet there are more than this number, don’t you?

A Place For Kids’ To Lay – Mental Health Beds
DO> Do you think this is a good idea?

For these stories and more, please visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews571/

Check out all my resources, programs and information for all aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentralcatalog.com

Your Friend,

Dave