Bipolar Supporter? A Bandaid Can’t Fix This

Hi, how are you doing today? I hope this is a good day for you.

I got a post on my blog from someone who is struggling, a supporter, and I wanted to share it with you to get your feedback:

She says:

“I am sure there are others with the same situation as me, but,
mine feels a bit unique. It’s a long story, but, my daughter,
who is 26 does not live with me. She has been diagnosed with
bipolar disorder, and has chosen to take out all of her anger on
myself and her 22 yr. old sister. I have no way of supporting her,
as she will not take my calls, or respond to text messages or e-mails.

I have no way of knowing if she is taking her medication. I worry
about her daily, and there is a hole in my heart where the loving,
caring daughter I knew use to be. I built my world around her and
her sister, and this hurts more than I ever thought anything could.”

Now, I’m not a therapist or anything, so I can’t advise this person about their situation. But I can give my opinion about it, based on past posts I’ve gotten from other supporters and what I’ve experienced myself with my mother.

And the main thing is that, although she feels as if her situation is unique, it really isn’t. I’ve gotten lots of calls, emails, and post comments saying the same thing – that the supporter is worried about their loved one and that they are being hurt by them (or their behavior, specifically) and their anger.

You can’t just put a bandaid on the hurt that your loved one can cause you because of their bipolar disorder. Unfortunately, it’s much more serious than that. Because you can feel the pain so acutely sometimes, and it’s hard to take. Especially, like in this person’s case, where her daughter does not live with her, and she can’t tell whether she is even taking her medication or not. She has reason to worry, as without medication, her daughter could be in serious trouble.

I know that can be very frustrating, as well…the not knowing. It’s a helpless feeling. It’s hard when you can’t do anything to help or support your loved one. Because you just can’t help someone who doesn’t want your help. Still, because you love and care about your loved one, you worry. And that’s just natural. So is the anger.

Many people with bipolar disorder, in a manic episode, will be angry or even rage at those close to them. It sounds simplistic, but it’s not really them – it’s the manic emotions and shifting to mood extremes that makes them that way. You may or may not even do anything wrong, and they can still get angry.

Anger is one of the hardest things to deal with when you’re trying to deal with a loved one with bipolar disorder. The only things you can really do are to love them unconditionally and brace yourself against their anger. You have to remember not to take it personally – they could be mad

at something that has absolutely nothing to do with you. Still, it’s hard to take when someone is raging at you or blaming you and it comes out as anger. And sometimes you can feel pretty

helpless as a supporter.

But I tell this woman, like I tell you, don’t give up on your loved one. With time and treatment, your loved one will learn how to manage their anger. The more stable they are, the less angry they will be.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

  1. Supporters must deal with the hurt caused by empathizing with loved ones battling BOD. The most helpful advice I have is- it’s not about you. You are not responsible for it, cause it or can you control it. They do not need to deal with your pain, they can’t deal with their own pain or anger. It helps to go a support group and let others support you so that you have the energy to truly support your loved one. God has given His grace to experience His peace. All we have to do is accept and believe His word.

    Grace and peace,
    Katie

  2. I am going through the same thing with my 22 year old daughter and I spoke to her once and she was mean and angry. She is living in her much older boyfriend in an elaborate million dollar home and thinks she is better then everyone now.

    She blames me for everything and takes no responsibility for anything in her life. Her cognitive perception is off and it’s tough to communicate with her
    and she tells me I have issues and need medication and there is nothing wrong with her. I am very resentful and hurt and I know I should understand but I’ve been a punching bag for her for 22 years. I see a therapist and I’ve tried everything but it seems she just want to upset me and say mean things. I’ve been an excellent parent and my daughter has never been without. I have provided for her and supported her but I’m ready to cut the cord. She is wearing me down and nothing seems to help.

  3. david,

    did you happen to see the documentary on hbo about bipolar children? I am bipolar, have a 9 year old son who is autistic, a 16 year old daughter who is bipolar with possible asperger tendencies and a boyfriend of 4 yrs who has cp and seizure disorder. I also take care of a man who has cp. This has been a great thing for me since I usually get fired from jobs but have found a place where people understand me and work with me.
    Anyhow, back to the documentary, if you have not gotten a chance, watch it. It is very good and does show what happens. Although, I think that right now people are concentrating on children with these disorders and leaving adults in the cold, I think it is important that we veiw things such as these.

  4. Hi i’m bob had to e-a comment. Just to qualify..if there is one , I have 2 girls bipolar -35yrs.1 shauna
    and rachel 26yr. Rachel by a miracle comp;eted her teacher degree and is working her first job at a high school. Whereas shauna has been in group homes most her life. quite a view of this illness. So i got a seat of my pants crash corse for there treament. Yes.. Anger gets big,,resentment at them, with me . A whole rewire of typical cookie cutter kids goes away ..for awhile.i thank you for reaching out for help.
    I mostly went to social services federal ,local,county,non-profits ..like NAMI which was a great startfor help/info.although groups are scare in certain locations .so by finding those people they helped me to how to get tough w/o thinking I’m not loving here. Like they tell me Loves comes in differnt ways and yours is tough, that toook me months totryst letting others know and get help to remind you this is a illness
    even tho they are so changed like amonster.The best thing i could do is when needed call police to chek up on her send her under legal ways to get a few days of help in mentallock up so meds can be changed and cause you love her i want her to get help that hurts you but nust be done ..now thats love so don’t give up.
    outside reorces is the best to do even it it means moving to another state that has better cars of us w/thid illness.
    By the way i have 2 boys ages 28,24 who did well except for a addiction propblem he goes in and out of. he likes work and does well as electricain helper so far the other son is getting hid degree in engenerring.
    what a puzzle of life and living personality people made in God ‘s image. I STILL GET THE ANGER AND AGRESSIVE TO FIND OUT ABOUT THE CARE atsome of these places but for the most there in shelter.food and people that want there best.
    Gotts go ..keep press in onward stay faithfull and use alll the resources thats near you for girl.
    Bye..bob ..robert

  5. The story that David posted (Bandaid) is mine. Thank you all for responding and offering advice. to “Lisa”…my daughter said the same thing to me..that I was the one that needed medication, and there was nothing wrong with her. I do know that she is seeing a psychiatrist, and, hopefully getting the help, and medication she needs to become stable, again. I never thought, in a million years, that this would happen to the girl I once knew. As a mother, I went through blaming myself, as I thought that it must be my fault, somehow. She had a rather traumatic event happen when when she was just 11, and I often wonder if that might have been what triggered this. I loved both of my girls so much and provided a stable home for them. Ironically, my other daughter is completing her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology. She will continue on to get her Master’s. But, even with all that she has learned, she is still hurt by her sister’s rejection. To end my story..every now and then, I will text my daughter just ot let her know that I am thinking of her, and that I love her. Yesterday, I found that she has now blocked my number. So, now I have no way of reaching out to her. I have put this whole thing in God’s hands with the hopes that he will watch over her.

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