I have recently seperated from my wife who has bipolar.It seems like she is fine at times as if she has no illness.She goes about her business and seems so happy.The only time she is angry I when she speakes with me.We have three children and I worry about them. I worry if she get angry with them when I am not around.It seems that she isnt as angry with them now that I am not around but I only see her once and a while.Is there any advice someone can give me that maybe experienced this or has a similar issue.She has packed all my stuff up and taken all my pictures down and put everything in the garage.She also threw my laundry down the stairs and our wedding picture.Is this normal reaction or a bipolar reaction.Like I previously stated it seems like she is functioning fine but she told me she was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 and her mom has it too.I am very confused.If it is the illness I feel bad leaving if it isnt the illness.I need to move on.Help.

Hi Dave,
I would like to respond to Matthew by saying maybe his wife does see the big picture, but knowing something and trying not to be hurt or angry when your bipolar spouse gets nasty is a different story.

I have been married to my husband 41 years, and he was just recently diagnosed as bipolar. Prior to this we just thought it was depression. Well life has been extremely difficult this year with his mood swings. I guess like Dave’s mom he has rapid recycling bipolar. You don’t know what’s coming from one minute to the next.
So Matt please try and understand that your wife is only human and she (we) can’t always keep from being hurt or angry when we are verbally attacked over nothing. Make sure your wife finds things of interest to her so that she can focus on some positive things in her life. It is easy for the non bipolar spouse to get pulled into the depressed state also, so it is very important that she take care of herself too and not just you.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

“Dificult at Best” pretty much sums up bi-polar – whether you are a supporter or the loved one with the disease. I am a supporter of my husband with bi-polar and I can certainly understand how Mathew’s wife feels sometimes. My husband and I have been married almost 15 years. I suppose he was bi-polar most of his life, but I was pretty much clueless when we met. I now realize he was manic then and continued on his manic high for a couple years after we were married. I found out later that he was taking anti-depressants perscribed by his father (an M.D.)when we met and I beleive that is why he lived in a manic high most of the time. I talked him into weening off of the anti-depressants and after awhile he began obsessing about the most insignificant things. Then his brother had an episode which put him in the hospital for a few weeks. After a year or so of his obsessing I finally decided I couldn’t help him and took him to see the doctor his brother had gone to. It’s hard to know if your seeing the right doctors when you really don’t know what you are dealing with. She put my husband on several different meds with a diagnosis of “obsessive compulsive disorder” and severe depression. He would see her only once a month and she would change his meds because he would not like the side effects. This went on for about 6 years. (I know for a fact that she tried over 25 differnt med with him). Then we started doing some yoga exercises which involved “spinning” around in a circle several times. I swear this is when he went into a manic episode (although I didn’t recognize it at the time)- he was sleeping less and talking fast and seemed to be euphoric all the time. While he was in this manic state he did something at work without thinking and breathed in some toxic dust which caused an upper respitory infection. Well, of course he immediately thought he had lung cancer and was going to die which brought him spiraling down into a manic depression. I cannot begin to explain the hell we both went through in those days. He was suicidal, with constant pains in his chest (anxiety) and was certain that he would die. The doctor he had been seeing just increased his meds which intensified things. I finally got some help and we were referred to a good doctor in Chicago. That was over three years ago. After finally being diagnosed correctly with bi-polar, he is on the right meds now and sees a “cognitive therapist” weekly and his “good doctor” for his med check once a month. I go with him whenever he sees both doctors now that he is basically stable (I was going weekly with him in the begining). It took a long time to find the correct “cocktail” of meds that work and it will take even longer, working with the cognative therapist, to retrain the way he thinks to stop the negative thoughts and obsessing.

I know this was long and drawn out, but that is kind of my point. The disease is life long, and the contstant therapy, ups & downs, changing of meds can be long and drawn out! I get extremely frustrated and impatient with my husband at times. I have taken classes, gone to support groups, read everything there is to read, but what I can’t hadle anymore is his feeling sorry for himself. He has all the tools he needs to help himself, but refuses to do most everything. Sometimes I think that the therapist is getting tired of trying to help someone who won’t help themselves. I can’t seem to find anything that interests him anymore. He just wants to lay around and stare into space and try to get me to feel sorry for him, which angers me. Then of course I feel guilty and the cirlcle starts all over again.

Does it ever get any better than this??? For either of us?

I understand where you wife is coming from. My son is bipolar and i lose it every now and then but afterwards i have to look back and see and remember it’s NOT his fault! He is a person just like we are that needs a little extra love at times. My son just came out of the hospital due to his bipolar and when they are away from you is when you really begin to realize that you would be lost with out them. I hope you wife can hang it out. It will get better and they have to love you for who you are.!! Good luck!

Matthew’s post is well written, logical, very honest, and balanced in expressing his feelings about where he is in terms of treatment.

He shows some insight into the role he and his symptoms affect his wife. Although he does say he wishes she would make some changes, the tone of his writing is respectful to her, and to us. He might not express his understanding of her in a way that satisfies everyone, but he does state clearly that he knows things are difficult for her–not only for himself.

Loved ones rightfully expect people like Matthew to be active in coping successfully with bipolar disorder. Many, many people vent their frustrations when they cannot influence a person with bipolar disorder to behave as Matthew has–by continuing to work in treatment, even when progress is slow. Matthew doesn’t quit.

Matthew is doing exactly what supporters naturally do. He is voicing a desire that his wife could change her perspective.

This is not only a reasonable request, it’s healthy. I commend him for having the insight to understand that this is an illness that affects them both.

She might decide this is an unreasonable thing to suggest. Eveyone else who read Matthew’s post might think he’s being unfeeling, selfish, or unfair to his wife.

This, of course, is for any other person here to form an opinion about. I respect everyone else here, and what’s true for me is not true for everybody.

But I was sad to see that Matthew’s e-mail inspired mostly comments about terrible experiences.

One doesn’t undo the other, though. I see a lot of positive in Matthew. But you who are responding are expressing a lot of frustration, and a feeling of being misunderstood.

I’m sorry you feel that way. And I’m sorry I can’t help. At the same time, I believe Matthew’s message, and the gentlemanly way he delivered it, is admirable.

I really love to read you emails i look forward to reading them , helps me to deal with my bipolar to , knowing that i am not the only one out there een thoe it feels like it , my husband dosnt understand it at all and will not even try , my mom and my brother are the best there always there for me!!1 missy

Please everyone above, take it one day at a time. My husband was diagnosed almost 2 months ago with bi-polar I. He knew something was wrong or ‘missing’ for the past 7 years and just couldn’t seem to be happy, before he was diagnosed. He has been a very good father but always seemed to have a hard time being in crowds, which left me to go to a lot of family functions by myself. In my ignorance I thought he was just tired and sick of the kids from having them all week and needed a break. He started out on effexor and then tried to go off of it cold turkey and that is when the manic state set in. He wouldn’t eat or sleep and scared the hell out of me and our four children. That is enough past history, I could give more but seems irrelevant to the point I want to make.
I want everyone to know there is HOPE!!! So far he is taking his meds and is smiling and cracking jokes. He is more patient with his children and trying to mend those walls of trust. WE are seeking active family counseling and through this and Gods’s love we will get through it. I know we have a long way to go, but I am not going to wait for the bad time to come, enjoy the good days and help keep them busy. I know each case is different, but try and keep everything day to day and some kind of schedule with people with kids.
He is even starting to contact his old friends and I am very proud at the pro-active approach he is taking.
I hope this puts some hope in someones day, because bipolar people I think have a healthy chance at life if they just quit blaming the illness, live with it, deal with it the best way you know how with support groups, family, friends, and most importantly knowing your body so you have some idea when a bout might hit.
Good Luck Dave for all your hard work I appreciate it, I would like some less gloom and doom because there are so many success stories out there and I hope we become part of this success. To all others, I am not making light of this illness. I know it is serious but with God’s grace and help and (therapists, psychologists, etc), you can leave a normal life.
My prayers are with you all and Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but just do it don’t think about it.
Peace out!
Sarah

Again, Pam, and others who have had such horrible experiences with people who have bipolar disorder:

It is NOT typical of the majority of people who have a diagnosis to live this chaotic lifesyle, day in, day out, for years. It is not typical for the majority of people who have biopolar disorder to have a baseline existence fraught with symptoms running off the charts and wrecking their lives, or anyone else’s.

I hope you know that if someone who has bipolar disorder harms himself, or anyone else–or, if he threatens to do so, you have every right to call the police, who can order them to be hospitalized.

If/when it gets that bad, you can choose to exercise your legal rights. You can choose to help your loved one get admitted to a hospital, and you can protect yourself from being abused. You can take legal action against a person who has bipolar disorder if that person commits any other crime against you.

There is a lot of misery expressed here, and I hate to pass through again without saying I’m sorry if you feel that you are a victim to a loved one who has bipolar disorder. I hope instead, you will reconsider all of the options you know you have. Protect yourself, protect your children, protect your loved one.

It saddens me to read about people who seem like they can just barely endure another day with their loved one and with bipolar disorder. Especially since, as I continue to insist, this kind of chaos is NOT typical, and in fact, by percentage it is rare.

You are all suffering immensely. But it’s not “all bipolars” as a group who do the kinds of things you describe.

I did not have family support. My loved ones could not cope even with the reality that I had a diagnosis. They were not able to show any compassion, and in fact told me they wanted nothing to do with me. If I was going to treatment, I was on my own. And, I was not part of their family anymore.

So I was disowned, not because of being violent or abusive, or commiting a crime, or doing something really difficult to forgive. In fact, I was dangerously depressed, silent, isolated, and barely able to function.

I was disowned for saying I had bipolar disorder, and for choosing to get treatment, in spite of their shame.

From what I have seen here, it is more common for families and loved ones to get worn out because someone with bipolar disorder cannot or does not seek treatment and follow through.

Their behaviors then spin out of control, and naturally, no one here wants to volunteer to be the target of abuse, or to feel that they are being taken advantage of by someone with bipolar.

Of course, that makes sense! I’d feel the same way! And yet, I see that you all are still sticking with the situation, still trying, still thinking about what you want and need to do next. This really impresses me.

I guess I’d be within my rights to comment about how my circumstances seemed unfair. It was hard being 18, feeling so ill, being rejected by a family that was ashamed of me, sticking with the right decision at such a great cost.

And going the whole thing alone. I didn’t tell them ANYTHING. Not even when I was hospitalized. I was told not to give their names as emergency contacts. We only had sporatic contact, our relationships were civil, but not close. We rarely saw each other. They were opposed to my taking medications. I had to learn to disreguard my father’s complaints (even though he was a pharmacist) and instead listen to my doctors.

It is sad to me, but it is, all these years later, just another chapter in the story of my recovery.

I realized my family is very limited in their ability to cope with the diagnosis. I know they are of a different generation, one that is not, in general, as knowledgable about what mental illness is, or what it means to have a psychiatric diagnosis. The stigma of a diagnosis in their family hurt them more than it did me.

I understand they felt threatened that their personal boundaries, and things private to our family, were at risk because I was likely to want and need to talk openly with my doctors and therapists. And although I am sure all of us had similar feelings of helplessness, fear, and anger, I know I cannot truly understand their painful experience as parents who wanted to help their daughter, but could not.

I look back now, and I understand that sometimes all people, whether they have bipolar disorder or not, can seem cold, unfeeling, and sometimes outright rejecting to each other…not because they are bad people, but because they are in a lot of pain, and shutting feelings off can be a defense that protects them from what otherwise would be overwhelming.

I am very willing, now, many years later, to think about my family’s experience, and to give them some room in terms of why they acted as they did. One reason why I can do that is that I am older, and for many, many years now, I have not been in need of parenting or direction from them. Secondly, my work has been in healing myself. I do all I can to be sure my symptoms are not of the severity that I lose sight of how others feel. The more human beings are suffering themselves, the more difficult it is to see that other people are in pain, too.

And the fact is that my parents did me a great favor, even if they didn’t know it! At 18, having the chance to walk away from them, and to walk towards exactly what I needed, even though it was VERY, VERY hard–well, it’s getting thrown into the deep end of the pool, for sure!!!!! And I learned to swim!!!!!!

So there is no resentment now. We all do the best we can, and no matter how awful it seems (and maybe is) to be cut off by your family, given a choice between them, and help you know you must have, I don’t ever, ever judge them as cold, unfeeling, or bad people. I don’t take my anger out on them. They get lots of space from me to be who they are.

And finally, to wind back around to my original point–that not all of us who have bipolar disorder inflict misery upon our loved ones, or demonstrate some fundamental character flaws like dependency, irresponsibility, or a lack of empathy for others.

Well, I didn’t tell you about being disowned for seeking treatment to bellyache, and again I stress that as an adult I take the opportunity as a great gift…look what it taught me!

But I told you because IF I were in a space myself right now, or ever, to feel very nearsighted about how things happened for me, IF I were really angry, and I felt I had to be on guard against everything other family members felt, shared, and said about their loved ones, and especially describing “bipolars” as a whole group, I might be tempted, or without thinking much about it, I might suppose ALL supporters of other people like me were rejecting, or ashamed, or just fed up with this illness and all people who have it.

It would protect me from feeling insulted, or rejected again, right? It would be easier for me. I wouldn’t have to think about my past or how my family treated me.

So how come I don’t? Why is it that I’m here so much, reading what you all say? Why would I keep responding?

Because I do not group all supporters together and then make an assumption about all of you, based only upon what you share here, about who “supporters” are. I know that although I was hurt in the past by my family, and although that will always hurt (even though I have found much that is tremendously positive – I’m human like you, and it still stings), I would be wrong to treat you just as if you will hurt me or your loved one in the same way I was hurt.

And if I did group you all together in my mind, as if you were all alike, it’s ME who would miss out!! Because then I wouldn’t be able to really listen to your perspective. I couldn’t see you as the individual unique people you are, and I couldn’t feel empathy for you. I would learn nothing about you, and I’d not benefit from being open to what you teach me.

I read each post individually, and I keep in mind that I only know about you what you say about yourself right here. I find this really rewarding.

So when I tend to throw in some different information about myself and my personal experience with bipolar disorder, my hope is always that you will remember that things do not always stay as they are for you or your loved one, as they are at this moment. And that people with bipolar disorder are not, by the definition of the diagnosis alone, people who lack character, or are otherwise people that generally make life miserable for others.

There’s hope! It’s not easy to see beyond circumstances that are so difficult, but it’s not all the same. We, people with bipolar disorder, are not all the same. You as supporters are not all the same. We all have great potential to better understand one another.

I wish all of us—with bipolar disorder, and/or supporters of those with bipolar disorder, peace and healing. It’s possible!!

Lovely email today. Very refreshing.